Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Emilia]

If it is, Emilia, there are two of us with equally foolish behavior. I speak with my oldest step daughter about once a month, at which time I usually ask about her mother's health. My SD knows that, although I have broken off all contact with her mother (my exW), I still love her and wish her the best. I ask about my exW's health because she had breast cancer surgery and radiation about two years ago -- something that is comparable, I imagine, to being on the front lines in a war.

 

As I mentioned earlier, I went NC with my exW when I realized that her inability to trust meant that I can never trust her -- she can turn on me at any time (and certainly would do so again eventually). Yet, if I had no family member to get updates from, I likely would call her directly to find out if she is still alive and well. And, if she dies before me, I likely will go to her funeral if none of her children object. In my mind, I still see the hurt little girl who was sexually abused for years by her own father. And I still love her.

 

Thank you for sharing this Downtown and of course I agree. Do you feel that your not cutting news off completely interferes with your life? Or have you just resigned to the fact that it will always interfere?

[Downtown]

Thank you for sharing this Downtown and of course I agree. Do you feel that your not cutting news off completely interferes with your life? Or have you just resigned to the fact that it will always interfere?

There is no inteference. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my step daughter and her 3 kids and I talk with her on the phone about once a month. Indeed, she just called me this morning to wish me "happy Fathers Day."

 

As usual, I asked how her mother is doing. Because I've known my exW for nearly 50 years, she's an important part of my life and I have many fond memories. I don't think of her as a bad person but, rather, as one who is so unstable and fearful that she cannot be trusted. I think of her as a hurt little girl. I nonetheless recognize that a hurt little girl becomes dangerous when she has knowledge, intelligence, cunning, and body strength of a full grown woman.

[J_L_C]

So lessons learnt...

 

Don't breakup unless you are 110% sure and if you make that call stick to it. And when newly dating try avoiding going to new continents for a period of time? Got it :-)

 

Haha, like my ex who is in love with a girl he met on vacay in Venezuela, is in love with after only 10 days and is hoping already to have her move here?

[Emilia]

There is no inteference.

 

[...]

 

I don't think of her as a bad person but, rather, as one who is so unstable and fearful that she cannot be trusted. I think of her as a hurt little girl. I nonetheless recognize that a hurt little girl becomes dangerous when she has knowledge, intelligence, cunning, and body strength of a full grown woman.

I think I might be able to get to this level too. I kept talking to my ex over the weekend because even though I closed the conversation during that early morning contact, he texted me a few hours later. It went on from Saturday early morning until Sunday afternoon. I allowed it to drop off when I noticed that he started fading (it takes about 2 texts, I pick up the signs straight away).

 

We didn't talk about anything personal just work, exercise and general well-being. I let him steer the conversation and he kept it away from personal (ie dating, etc) and I stopped replying when I noticed he was in the process of dropping off. It wasn't upsetting and wasn't stressful.

 

He is exceptionally bright and I think he thought about our last conversation and he possibly worked out what he can tolerate for a short amount of time at least. So maybe checking in every 3 months or so is possible without distress on either side.

 

I don't see the hurt little boy anymore so I think the 'codependent' part is fading. Or maybe I'll see him again if he gets upset with me but like I said we managed stable contact for over 24 hours and I wasn't tempted the slightest to draw it out.

[Anela]

Harmony, you are confusing BPD with what you've seen in vampire movies. As you know, BPDers typically have the emotional development of a four year old.

 

See, this is where I get confused when it comes to myself. This was never true of me, but now it *is* sometimes true of me. Only sometimes. Over the past year, I've wondered if this could somehow just strike someone in their mid-thirties - problems in my family, a lot of loss, and being really treated awfully by someone else before that - I've felt like I'm going insane at times, BUT I've also been repeatedly stabbed in the back. I've had trust issues due to bullying, but these people I trusted (with good reason, I thought).

 

I've realized before, that I haven't always trusted myself. Hence other issues in my life not being sorted out earlier in life. I'm still wrestling with some of them. But in many ways, I've been emotionally mature - much more so than my sister, who is now being touted as all sorts of wonderful things, even though she throws tantrums over all sorts of things and has done her whole freaking life. I feel like I've been made into a scapegoat, but I don't want to get into all of that - I'm exhausted and need to try to sleep. The trouble came from my trying to enforce boundaries, though.

[Downtown]

Over the past year, I've wondered if [bPD] could somehow just strike someone in their mid-thirties - ... I've felt like I'm going insane at times

Anela, my understanding is that all of us occasionally get strong flareups of our BPD traits. During early childhood, for example, we all behave like BPDers 24/7. With healthy people, these traits typically become weaker in later childhood but then flare up again for several years when they hit puberty. So many teenagers behave like BPDers that psychologists usually refuse to diagnose BPD until the person is at least 18.

 

Later in adulthood, such flareups can return (e.g., due to drug abuse, a head injury, or a hormone change such as pregnancy or postpartum). With postpartum hormone changes, for example, the flareup can last as long as two years.

 

Hence, when you hear that someone has been diagnosed as "having BPD," it means they have persistent traits that typically start showing strongly in the early teens and then last a lifetime at a strong level, if left untreated. This means that, if your BPD traits flared up in your mid-thirties, you do not have the disorder itself. Rather, you are describing a flareup. Have you spoken to a professional about it?

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Court date for my DUI is the day after tomorrow. Oddly enough I wasn't scared before getting said DUI. At any rate I got it trying to run my car into a big concrete drain ditch. I pounded a few beers before hand to work up the guts and removed my seat belt. For those that didn't know, I hit some kind of bump that acted like a ramp and I ended up clearing the gap completely.

 

So here I am, still uncertain as to why I am posting this here, perhaps I am just looking for attention. Who knows really.

 

At any rate I have gotten myself into a pickle.

 

I regret my decision, but that decision is going to cost my family another 2000$. This is something I cannot allow. This would put us literally in the street. It's like my wife got the DUI for me. I could refuse to pay and just do the time, but then there is no-one to watch the kids.

 

AND I MEAN NO-ONE!

 

All I can see that would possibly work out is them letting me serve it all on weekends or do thousands of hours of community service, or both.

 

The problem is that our county is dirt poor and notorious for taking as much money as they can by any means possible. I was on probation here when I was younger. They would literally force me to sell plasma, sperm, pawn my stuff, anything. The first day you show up empty handed they would cart you off to a detention center and work you for 60-90 days and then let you out to continue trying to pay your debt. Under the same circumstances.

 

So, the only solution I have been able to come up with is to hold myself hostage during the proceedings.

 

I already learned how to prepare a concentrated extract from oleander. I have a few of the plants growing around here. I am going to sneak a syringe full of it into the court room. I will start by simply asking begging, whatever it takes. If they refuse to agree to somehow shield my family from the reprecutions then I see no other option. I will produce the syringe and stick it into my right jugular. If they still refuse even at risk of my life, then well, I really do not have anything to lose.

 

My wife is leaving me, and I am for all intents and purposes on my way to live in an inpatient facility for a long term to possibly permanent basis. I am effectively losing everything I love. It will either happened sooner or later.

 

I would rather die on my own terms and spare my family this additional hurdle.

 

So. I simply beg any who read this. If you have any mental illness, take it seriously. I ignored mine most of my life and refused to accept it. I starting receiving treatment on a regular basis only a few years ago. By that time I had already alienated most of the people I loved. Now I have.

 

I hate to say it, but the people here at this forum, Emillia, downtown, mac, dreaming, and a few others, are literally the only people in my life that would regard me with anything other than contempt.

 

So start early. I wish I could go back and tell my young self to listen.

 

I am scarred. This time it's different. I guess I have never been quite in my right mind during premeditation or actual attempts. I am very centered right now however and the reality of what I must do is killing me.

 

I will miss my children and my wife. I'll miss so many things.

 

Thank you guys.

[Downtown]

I wish I could go back and tell my young self to listen.

Better yet, Harmony, tell your current self to put aside the black-white thinking, which results in your perceiving every "pickle" and misfortune as an unmitigated disaster. The real world lies between those two extremes.

 

As to your current pickle, I suggest you consult with an attorney about introducing evidence that you were depressed and trying to kill yourself. It is difficult to believe that, in such dire circumstances, the court would impose very onerous penalties. In any event, I wish you the very best, Harmony, and I will keep you in my prayers.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

It has helped me a lot being able to sort of identify what it is that I have wrong with me. I feel extremely emotionally turbulent and out-of-control lately. I think people are getting frustrated with the 'emotional insanity' (and trust me, I'm getting frustrated myself) but I haven't been able to get it together.

 

Whenever I perceive someone as being frustrated with me, I go overboard in an attempt to get them not to be frustrated with me which just results in them getting even more frustrated. I can't handle being ignored, I become psychotic and violent towards myself.

 

I have started self-harming again. It helps me take the focus off of all of the things going on and helps me put it back on myself, which I know is an unhealthy way of dealing with things.

 

I missed this one somehow.

 

First off, I realize that my giving advice is probably liken to the blind leading the blind, but here goes...

 

I advise you to Try, Try, Try, to remember the things that make you good. Remember that as long as you have a tomorrow then there is a chance things will get better. That being said they will never simply get better on their own, it will take some doing.

 

I will also say this, I actually understand. When you cut, it is a surreal thing. It hurts, but feels good because it is simple. Life should hurt sometimes, but it gets so big and daunting that you have to condense it down into some manageable form.

 

I suspect this is due to a stunted coping mechanic. Either way cutting is simply taking your emotional pain, and converting into a medium that you better equipped to handle.

 

Try to find help, from God from a counselor, anyone. Do it soon. The longer you wait and the further away from other people you drift the farther removed YOUR standards will become from the norm. Soon, everything you do makes sense and can be justified. Then you cannot be reasoned with.

 

Just know there are people that may not be able to actually help, but DO at least UNDERSTAND.

 

I hope this helps.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Better yet, Harmony, tell your current self to put aside the black-white thinking, which results in your perceiving every "pickle" and misfortune as an unmitigated disaster. The real world lies between those two extremes.

 

As to your current pickle, I suggest you consult with an attorney about introducing evidence that you were depressed and trying to kill yourself. It is difficult to believe that, in such dire circumstances, the court would impose very onerous penalties. In any event, I wish you the very best, Harmony, and I will keep you in my prayers.

 

 

That had not occurred to me. I was hiding the intentions I had from my family. As I have kept hidden my current intentions. As I said I have never been the sort to cry out before hand. My last attempt was dramatic, but as sneaky as ever.

 

I could try your advice. I guess being ashamed as hell beats the current alternative.

 

This option honestly NEVER occurred to me. I guess I was so concerned about keeping the secret my mind just did not go there.

 

I'll think heavily upon it. The idea of dying is truly terrifying, but it did bring with it the promise of resolution. I'll say this though, I have told my kids I love them about 50 times today. Hugged them a bunch too. Hell colors are even more vibrant, grass smells sweater. My senses have been trying to drink everything in. I am reminded of the end of the Harry Potter series when Harry is walking to his death. It really is quite like that. You think about all these tiny pleasures in life and wonder why you did not revel in them before.

 

Maybe it would be better to do it your way.

 

Thanks again. I'll be back I'm sure.

[Downtown]

That had not occurred to me. I was hiding the intentions I had from my family.

Harmony, there are two mitigating circumstances in your court case. One, as I noted, was your suicidal state of mind. The other is that, by being put in jail, you will be unavailable to take care of your children. So, again, I suggest you consult with an attorney. If you cannot afford one, the court should appoint someone to represent you.

 

Finally, I observe that, if you do commit suicide, you will create a harm and suffering for your family members that far, far exceeds the value of $2,000.

[Emilia]

Harmony, there are two mitigating circumstances in your court case. One, as I noted, was your suicidal state of mind. The other is that, by being put in jail, you will be unavailable to take care of your children. So, again, I suggest you consult with an attorney. If you cannot afford one, the court should appoint someone to represent you.

Great advice

Finally, I observe that, if you do commit suicide, you will create a harm and suffering for your family members that far, far exceeds the value of $2,000.

Absolutely, in every possible way.

[Emilia]

Just bumping up the thread in case anyone is looking for BDP-related information/experiences/advice.

[LinkWorshiper]

I am so glad I found this thread because it might help me with some things I'm having a hard time with right now.

 

Long story short, my boyfriend and I broke up during a drunk argument where I had a really bad BPD episode and he freaked out. I ended up in the hospital after I broke down over the whole situation and found out that I had BPD at all. It was eye opening for me and I've been working on figuring out how to approach life with it. My boyfriend and I started talking again a few months after all this and we started spending time together. He said he was working on himself and said he'd like to take things slowly, and I was cool with that and worked to try and help him understand what I experience mentally. But recently, just when I thought we were getting closer -- close enough where I swore he might want to get serious -- he turns on a dime and says he's thinking of pursuing someone else, though he wasn't sure. I told him until he figured out what he wanted to do, we shouldn't see each other. Of course with my BPD, I freak out I've ruined everything with him, even the prospect of being friends, though I do also know his confusion isn't helping me and the best chance I have to fix it is to step away and let him spin himself around until he falls on his butt. But I also fear he is going to Kanye shrug, walk away and never look back.

 

But here's the thing. It's like how they say you can smell your own... I'm like 90% sure he has BPD or something in that vein. I can see the push/pull cycle, the way he seeks validation from everyone he knows, his impulsive behavior... etc. etc. I never minded this stuff and would always try hard to help him where I could. Like it was never a deal breaker for me since I always knew I had stuff. We had tension real bad in our relationship once before about a year ago. and he did the same thing, and it wasn't until I put my foot down that he cleaned up his act. But this time I don't know if he will do the same thing.

 

But now that we are broken up and he's all over the place, the thing I really want to tell him is to GET HELP, but he doesn't even see these things in himself because he's so good at sweeping things under the rug and putting band aids on problems. The best I can hope for is that he will falter without my support and he will come back, because I care about him and I want to see him really happy, not just faking it. I know it's not something I really can fix for him, but I wish I knew that I was doing the right thing for him, regardless of what happens for our relationship in the future. I am so sad stepping away because I feel like I'm leaving him to drown.

[Emilia]

But now that we are broken up and he's all over the place, the thing I really want to tell him is to GET HELP, but he doesn't even see these things in himself because he's so good at sweeping things under the rug and putting band aids on problems. The best I can hope for is that he will falter without my support and he will come back, because I care about him and I want to see him really happy, not just faking it. I know it's not something I really can fix for him, but I wish I knew that I was doing the right thing for him, regardless of what happens for our relationship in the future. I am so sad stepping away because I feel like I'm leaving him to drown.

Hi there,

 

Glad you are finding this thread useful

 

What I would say from my limited personal experience is that you cannot make another person see what you see. You might be more self-aware than he is or whatever other reasons there are for your clarity but he is who he is. You are NOT letting anyone drown, it is how I used to feel as well but seeing my ex coming through the other side I'd say IF there is any hope for him at all, perhaps he will have to hit rock bottom first before he sees it.

 

Does this make sense?

[LinkWorshiper]

Thanks. This helps a little, especially since I was just crying to a friend about it. She has no understanding why I still get so concerned about his well being because she thinks kind of negatively towards him after all his confused behavior. I'm reassured that stepping away is maybe more like leaving him to realize that he's got to sink or swim. It makes me really sad wondering if these things are starting to settle in for him, as I've been making a point to not even look at FB or ask our mutual friends about him since I started NC. I guess I wish I could help steer him or something, but I get sad he will just keep running and that my absence means nothing to him, even though I have hints that's probably not true. Still... stupid BPD keeps me having a hard time settling in a grey area about it all.

 

Did your ex come through it with clarity and at least recognize what he had been doing to make things hard in the past?

[Emilia]

Thanks. This helps a little, especially since I was just crying to a friend about it. She has no understanding why I still get so concerned about his well being because she thinks kind of negatively towards him after all his confused behavior. I'm reassured that stepping away is maybe more like leaving him to realize that he's got to sink or swim. It makes me really sad wondering if these things are starting to settle in for him, as I've been making a point to not even look at FB or ask our mutual friends about him since I started NC. I guess I wish I could help steer him or something, but I get sad he will just keep running and that my absence means nothing to him, even though I have hints that's probably not true. Still... stupid BPD keeps me having a hard time settling in a grey area about it all.

I don't talk to my friends about this stuff because they don't get it. I just post here because there are people like Downtown and Mack05 who get it. You are very welcome to talk to us here.

 

You do want to remind yourself though that he is his own person. Even if he seems to you like someone who isn't capable of running his life, he is an adult and he has the right to live the way he wants to. The truth is - which all of us with codependent tendencies have to learn - none of us have the right to control a person and make them live the way we approve of.

 

How do you deal with grey areas in general in interpersonal relationships? Do you cut people off much?

 

Did your ex come through it with clarity and at least recognize what he had been doing to make things hard in the past?

Well, I can't tell how permanent each progression he makes is and I don't have enough contact with him really to 'monitor' it as it were. I think what is on his side is that he has self-awareness. When we met years ago he told me he knew he had something, he was guessing it to be something like bipolar but he wasn't sure.

 

Him and I had a big row about BPD probably about 3 months ago, well he was fighting me and I was just calm trying talk some sense into him. That has worked because I had contact with him since and he has calmed down. I don't know what he thinks or believes exactly but I think he was struggling with his personality before while now it helps him to know that it's some kind of a mental illness. ie that he isn't some nasty a**hole - which is what he thought before. He apologised to me in the past when his behaviour was off and I know it was/it is something that bugged him because he is in fact a very nice boy Since we had that all-out fight we have managed to stay in a grey area and not go emotional, I do allow him full control though in the sense that I let him steer the conversation when we have contact, the way he wants to (ie usually text only), stick to certain subjects and I stop when I notice that he starts disengaging with me.

 

So I try to provide stress-free contact because that's the only way for me to keep getting news from him. I really don't see how this would work as a relationship though.

[AlexDP]

Better yet, Harmony, tell your current self to put aside the black-white thinking, which results in your perceiving every "pickle" and misfortune as an unmitigated disaster. The real world lies between those two extremes.

 

As to your current pickle, I suggest you consult with an attorney about introducing evidence that you were depressed and trying to kill yourself. It is difficult to believe that, in such dire circumstances, the court would impose very onerous penalties. In any event, I wish you the very best, Harmony, and I will keep you in my prayers.

 

 

Are you a lawyer?

 

Because I am and honestly, I don't think it will make his case any better. Trying to kill yourself is not a valid reason for potentially hurting others. Besides, there are plenty of ways to kill yourself without the risking of killing someone else in the process. The judge will not only feel this way, but possibly even think this self pity attitude is demonstrative of someone with no remorse and of someone who does not realise that the world does not revolve around him.

 

It would, possibly, be the worst thing to plead.

[AlexDP]

Harmony, there are two mitigating circumstances in your court case. One, as I noted, was your suicidal state of mind. The other is that, by being put in jail, you will be unavailable to take care of your children. So, again, I suggest you consult with an attorney. If you cannot afford one, the court should appoint someone to represent you.

 

Finally, I observe that, if you do commit suicide, you will create a harm and suffering for your family members that far, far exceeds the value of $2,000.

 

Mitigating circumstances? What? He tried to kill himself and endangered others. Not only is he clearly not stable, but allowing him to take care of his children is downright dangerous.

 

And although I don't remember, I think I can safely assume he has a record too. There are no mitigating circumstances. And there shouldn't be anyway.

[skydiveaddict]

If you have BPD, or know someone with BPD, I'd love to get a discussion started on here about it.

 

My sister had it. She got cured by a skilled psychiatrist who knows his **** when it comes to meds. Don't **** around with this. If you are suffering with bpd go see an md. The can prescribe things that will help you.

[Downtown]

My sister had it. She got cured by a skilled psychiatrist who knows his **** when it comes to meds. Don't **** around with this. If you are suffering with bpd go see an md. The can prescribe things that will help you.

Sky, the "BPD" in this thread refers to Borderline Personality Disorder, not bipolar disorder. Whereas the latter usually can be treated very successfully with meds, BPD cannot. Unlike bipolar disorder, BPD does not arise from a change in body chemistry. Instead, it is believed to be caused by genetics and/or a childhood trauma like abuse or abandonment. Hence, meds cannot make a dent in it. Moreover, although both disorders can be managed and controlled, there is no cure for either of them at this time.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Just got back from Peachford hospital in Atlanta. I am not going to try to dodge the DUI charge. I did what I did in the middle of the night without another car or person in sight waaaay out in the country. So while I did not endanger anyone else I did make a choice.

 

I'm going to take my punishment.

 

I plan to live my life as a normal man with normal responsibilities. Normal is all I want to be. I am on about 3 times the amount of medications I was ever on before. I am also on very high dosages. While it has some physical implications it works so it is worth it.

 

I honestly did not realize that I was not supposed to have anything more than slight symptoms while taking meds. A counselor made a good point. She basically said it was pointless to take meds if one had to white knuckle it anyway. I am relatively symptom free now. This was made apparent when another patient made me as angry as I can possibly get, and I had forgotten about it the next day. I find myself surprised that even upon revisiting the ordeal in my mind just now does not stir up any negative feelings.

 

I thought that attaining this level of stability would cost me my intelligence. A doctor alleviated this concern too pointing out that if I was unable to use my mind then it was as good as worthless anyway. That made sense. To my surprise my mind is more responsive now after adjusting to the medication.

 

I actually have a job lined up. Probably better than anything I have ever even dreamed of having. It is as an administrator for the North GA WIC IT department. I am also able to rebuild my business or go back to school due to my wife and mother in law stepping up to take the kids of of me during the week. This time allows me to transition back into my preferred role without changing the kids lives any. They are also safe from any abuse by myself as I will not be unsupervised with them. I will in fact be living in an apartment within the next 60 days. I will be monitored by the GA Hope foundation and provided Real counseling and physciatric care. Spelling.. meh.

 

Suffice to say it was one hell of a journey. I am still in shock over the relative calm. The best part is that it will keep getting better as they continue to fine tune my meds. It's probably apparent, but God stepped in for this one. I finally have access to good mental health care.

 

Thanks guys, you know who you are

 

I'd really be dead right now. I also read that this thread is really helping people. Thank you guys for that as well. This thread has allowed good people to help others. It has allowed others to feel like they are understood. It has even allowed people like Alex to weigh in an keep us honest. People have come from all sides of the issue and whether they even meant to or not, they have contributed greatly to my knowledge and that of others. Thank you again.

 

Ps. Good to hear from you Alex you keep people honest. My wife also came to the same conclusion about the judges predicted reaction. I'm not after special treatment though. I am after normalcy. Things are coming together though. I have the opening to move forward. My family has actually open a door for me this time instead of trying to shut me away.

[Emilia]

Thanks guys, you know who you are

 

I'd really be dead right now. I also read that this thread is really helping people. Thank you guys for that as well. This thread has allowed good people to help others. It has allowed others to feel like they are understood. It has even allowed people like Alex to weigh in an keep us honest. People have come from all sides of the issue and whether they even meant to or not, they have contributed greatly to my knowledge and that of others. Thank you again.

I'm very pleased for you Harmony, it sounds like you are in a good place. Please keep us posted and good luck

[HarmonyInDisonance]

The difference in my old system and the Georgia Hope foundation is incredible. They came out to my house! That is a really big deal to me as I live on the outskirts of a nature reserve. Suffice to say I am a long drive for anyone. I will be having a counselor come out once a week for progress reports. In addition an actual psychologist and certified DBT practitioner will be coming out once a week also. So finally I have access to an empirically proven method. I gleaned as much as possible from studying DBT, mindfulness, and EMRD.

 

My results, while fascinating and very effective, depend upon me to invoke the technique. So some accountability is a good thing. I actually got a phone call from a new customer. That was hours ago and I forgot I was writing this, woops. I'll be back later to offer some nifty coping techniques for people that I have found to work well.

[Emilia]

I gleaned as much as possible from studying DBT, mindfulness, and EMRD.

I'd love it if you posted about these on here as you go along.