Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Outlook]

I have been in a relationship with someone for 3 years(she is 44) whom I believe to have BPD. She is not on meds and refuses to go see a therapist about anything. She was a victim of childhood sexual trauma and her problems are numerous to say the least. In our relationship she has had 3 episodes that were hard for her to deal with. The first one lasted 5 weeks, the 2nd one last about 2 weeks, and the current one has been about a week long. Normally, she is a very very loving person. Kind and generous almost to a fault. She is a genuinely good person who was dealt a tough hand in life.

 

About BPD...I have done so much reading on this topic and I'm almost certain this is what she is dealing with. I can literally see the mania appear in her voice and body language. She has trouble sleeping, her anxiety is through the roof, she stops eating, she is going 100mph at all times, and never seems to get anything done. For her, this lasts usually a week or two then the crash always happens. She becomes withdrawn, extremely quiet, won't answer the phone or texts, and pushes loved ones away. She will go over to certain friend's houses because she says she doesn't have any kind of attachment to them. They will watch movies or just visit. She can spend hours cleaning a bedroom or other mundane tasks. It is like she will do anything to occupy her mind during these times. I have infinite patience and love for her but it's so hard sometimes. I try to do everything I can to help her but she turns inward(she calls it her painful bubble)and she is hard to reach. She learned this as a child when she was dealing very very painful sexual abuse involving a family member. We don't live together but I can see, hear, and feel the effects firsthand. She has an awareness that something isn't right with her but won't do anything about it. Her statements are usually "I'm not trying to push you away", "I'm not trying to hurt you", or "I have nothing to give right now". She always comes back around eventually and is herself again but I'm always left wondering if she will just disappear for good. I know I can't be the only one in this situation. I very much love my SO but I feel like I'm on an island sometimes and don't have any support. This entire situation sucks the life out of me some days and I want to walk away but I believe in her. 95% of our 3 years together has been wonderful. The other 5% has been hell but I'm not ready to give up on her.

Edited November 3, 2013 by Outlook

[dreamingoftigers]

I sympathize with your situation.

 

Especially difficult because she is undiagnosed etc.

 

Borderline personality Disorder and Bipolar are two very different mental issues as well.

 

And PTSD entirely different.

 

Any one or a combination could be affecting her.

[Downtown]

About BPD...I have done so much reading on this topic and I'm almost certain this is what she is dealing with. I can literally see the mania appear in her voice and body language.

Outlook, as Dreaming explained, the term "BPD" commonly refers to Borderline Personality Disorder. I mention this because the behaviors you describe -- i.e., the mania and the mood swings lasting several weeks -- are typical of bipolar disorder traits, not BPD traits. If you are interested, I describe 12 differences between the behaviors of BPDers and bipolar sufferers at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/380507-calling-all-those-bpd-14.html#post4754080.

 

Moreover, as Dreaming also noted, your GF may well have multiple disorders. A recent large-scale study (pub. 2008) found that half of bipolar sufferers also exhibit full-blown BPD.

[Outlook]

I meant bipolar in my original post, not BPD. Man, I have to admit I've had a very frustrating week because I don't know what to do for my SO. Is giving them space and time the correct answer here because that is what I'm doing. I don't lash out nor do I make any inflammatory statements towards her. Once I see her withdrawing, I know what to expect for the next few weeks.

[Downtown]

I meant bipolar in my original post, not BPD.

That's good to hear because, whereas BPD cannot be treated with medication, bipolar disorder can. Indeed, about 80% of bipolar sufferers can be treated quite successfully -- for the mood swings -- by simply swallowing a pill. Medication is so effective with bipolar because it arises from changes in body chemistry.

 

Yet, given the 50% chance that she also suffers from BPD, it would be prudent for her to be evaluated by a professional to see if she has multiple disorders. But, given that she refuses to see a psychiatrist to obtain meds for the bipolar, there seems to be little chance she will be interested in any other types of treatment or diagnosis.

[theothersully]

BPD... I spent 12 years trying to save my ex from it. In the end, it won. Nothing to be taken lightly.

[maiden555]

Thanks, Downtown! My last ex definitely had avoidant traits, not sure if the full disorder but it would certainly make sense. This ex is more recent. I dated him years ago and suspected he had BPD after doing research on anger issues. We got back together this year and I gave it another shot - it seemed like he'd matured. But it crashed and burned after 6 months, ending 2 weeks ago. So here I am.

 

So I went from the BPD boyfriend to Avoidant Guy then back to BPD. BPD ex was passionate, generous, VERY doting, effusive. The next guy was his total opposite. The highs were not very high at all, but it was a stable relationship. He was never spiteful. It felt refreshing not to get into a major fight every few weeks. I went months without crying...it was new to me.

 

Sometimes I think I go back and forth between opposites because I'm craving something from my last relationship.

[Downtown]

Sometimes I think I go back and forth between opposites because I'm craving something from my last relationship.

I know what you mean, Maiden. After one has experienced the fireworks, adoration, and intense sex with a BPDer, it can be difficult "to settle" for the stability of an emotionally mature adult. The biggest advantage of a stable partner, of course, is knowing what is going to be behind the door when you go home at night.

[M30USA]

I know what you mean, Maiden. After one has experienced the fireworks, adoration, and intense sex with a BPDer, it can be difficult "to settle" for the stability of an emotionally mature adult. The biggest advantage of a stable partner, of course, is knowing what is going to be behind the door when you go home at night.

 

This is exactly what I'm experiencing. I am having to retrain my mind. Stable women are NOT boring.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know what you mean, Maiden. After one has experienced the fireworks, adoration, and intense sex with a BPDer, it can be difficult "to settle" for the stability of an emotionally mature adult. The biggest advantage of a stable partner, of course, is knowing what is going to be behind the door when you go home at night.

 

I hope that this means that I'm great in bed because I was diagnosed with BPD and lose my "skills" after treatment.

[dreamingoftigers]

I hope that this means that I'm great in bed because I was diagnosed with BPD and lose my "skills" after treatment.

 

I mean, was there a "just lie there" component to CBT/DBT that I missed out on?

[Emilia]

I hope that this means that I'm great in bed because I was diagnosed with BPD and lose my "skills" after treatment.

 

I mean, was there a "just lie there" component to CBT/DBT that I missed out on?

seriously though, the sex was amazing! That's one thing I definitely mourn and guess that's what makes me keep in touch with him.

[dreamingoftigers]

seriously though, the sex was amazing! That's one thing I definitely mourn and guess that's what makes me keep in touch with him.

 

Well, Emilia, if I ever relapse, divorce and switch teams, I'll give you a call.

 

Might as well share my talents with those who mourn, right? :laugh:

[Emilia]

Well, Emilia, if I ever relapse, divorce and switch teams, I'll give you a call.

 

Might as well share my talents with those who mourn, right? :laugh:

Thanks love, would be much appreciated

 

Seriously though, I thought about the way you called it 'merging' once and I think that's what it is. That very intense emotional connection.

[dreamingoftigers]

That totally sounds like a pick-up line I could use,

 

"Hey baby! Do you have the URGE to MERGE?"

[Emilia]

That totally sounds like a pick-up line I could use,

 

"Hey baby! Do you have the URGE to MERGE?"

:laugh: the problem is those who know what that means would just go:

 

[Lizrd3000]

It depends.

 

My BPD seems to only ''activate'' on my girlfriend, mother, sisters, brother and best friend, because they're the only ones I feel close to.

My girlfriend has the hardest time of them all, though.

We broke up once due to my insecurities, but got back together after a month and a half.

 

One moment I can think she is the most caring gf I could ever dream of, and another I could think she wants to hurt me and is going to leave me again.

 

I don't have many friends, never knew why. But I just can't seem to form a connection with someone that easily. I always thought being this way is normal and everyone felt like I did.

 

I've always suffered from depression and lately anxiety too.

I'm on meds for depression and anxiety, and going to therapy soon for my BPD.

 

I wish I was normal so my girlfriend had someone she deserves, but I'm not. I really wish I could be someone she wants to spend her life with, someone worthy, you know?

 

I wish I didn't have to be so mean to my brother sometimes, it's so confusing for him, I bet. he's only 11 years old.

 

One day I can be so motivated to dance and get so good at it, and others I'm just like ''I'll never be good, why bother?'' and it's so frustrating.

I wish there was a magic spell to just see things f*cking CONSISTENTLY SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO BE SO CONFUSED ALL THE TIME.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

People with BPD have problems finding their identity. We are sometimes referred to as chameleons because of our ability to blend in. We easily adopt behaviors that our peers have and behaviors that would lessen a groups chance of rejecting us.

 

I've always felt like a scared little boy and have often acted like one. I don't feel like an adult. As a child I used to pray and wish that I could be someone else. Anyone else. Anyone but me. Someone who didn't feel emotional pain every day. Someone who didn't lay in bed at night not being able to sleep because I'm reliving moments that have caused me distress. These were the thoughts of a young child.

 

Never had an idea of what I wanted to be growing up. I didn't even think I would grow up. Since I was little, I've thought I would be dead by now.

 

Please share your experiences with identity issues and BPD.

Have you overcome them? How?

How did you view yourself while growing up?

Do you know who you are?

Edited November 13, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus

[smuggy95]

well I don't have BPD that I know of, but I dated a girl who did. And I just wanted to say that she went through a lot of counseling and hard work and I loved every atom of her. She still had her insecurities and problems recognizing when she was overstepping other people's boundaries, but she knew what she wanted in life, knew when to step up and take fault.

The pain that comes with BPD...is immense. It takes a strong soul to deal with it.

I'm glad you're still alive and kicking

BP symptoms can be controlled. And regardless of sterotypes, many people will see the beauty in you.

[Emilia]

My ex has BPD and he is one the strongest people I know. My respect for him is enormous.

 

It is odd to watch him change, the environment he lives in completely affects what particular part he plays when I see him but his core personality is amazing. Strong morals, a real backbone, true to himself.

[Lizrd3000]

I didn't know I had fear of abondonment untill I got into my first relationship, and the fear became so big that I ended up being very insecure and needy, so she ended it with me. though, we got back together, and I still feel VERY insecure and still have this fear, I know I need to controll it so I don't lost her again, it really hurts though.

 

So, you may have the symptomps but not yet fully realizing it yet.

actually, when I think back to when I was younger, I always feared my parents would leave me in the mall on purpose.

 

So actually, you can have the symptomps but not noticing it in ways you think you would.

[Downtown]

My ex has BPD and he is one the strongest people I know.

Likewise, my BPDer exW is one of the strongest persons I've ever met. IME, BPDers are not weak people. Rather, they are tough survivors. Yet, to survive a traumatic childhood, they generally had to rely so heavily on primitive ego defenses (i.e., those available to young children) that they never let go of those defenses long enough to move on to more mature ego defenses.

 

They therefore are stuck using inappropriate defenses like projection, denial, temper tantrums, and black-white thinking throughout their adulthood. The result is that the very behaviors that enabled them to survive in early childhood become dysfunctional when applied to the interpersonal relationships of a mature adult.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

People with BPD have problems finding their identity. We are sometimes referred to as chameleons because of our ability to blend in. We easily adopt behaviors that our peers have and behaviors that would lessen a groups chance of rejecting us.

 

I've always felt like a scared little boy and have often acted like one. I don't feel like an adult. As a child I used to pray and wish that I could be someone else. Anyone else. Anyone but me. Someone who didn't feel emotional pain every day. Someone who didn't lay in bed at night not being able to sleep because I'm reliving moments that have caused me distress. These were the thoughts of a young child.

 

Never had an idea of what I wanted to be growing up. I didn't even think I would grow up. Since I was little, I've thought I would be dead by now.

 

Please share your experiences with identity issues and BPD.

Have you overcome them? How?

How did you view yourself while growing up?

Do you know who you are?

 

This post was the start of a thread to talk about identity issues of BPDers alone, nothing else.

Why was this merged to talk about all of BPD??

Not happy about this at all.

[Lizrd3000]

How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment

How to defer to men in solveable predicaments

How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you

How to have that not work and have them run away from you

 

How to keep people at arms length and never get too close

How to mistrust the ones who supposedly love the most

How to pretend you're fine and don't need help from anyone

How to feel worthless unless you're serving or helping someone

 

[Chorus:]

I'll teach you all this in 8 easy steps

A course of a lifetime you'll never forget

I'll show you how to in 8 easy steps

I'll show you how leaderships looks when taught by the best

 

How to hate women when you're supposed to be a feminist

How to play all pious when you're really a hypocrite

How to hate god when you're a prayer and a spiritualist

How to sabotage your fantasies by fears of success

 

[Chorus]

 

I've been doing research for years

I've been practicing my ass off

I've been training my whole life for this moment I swear to you

Culminating just to be this well-versed leader before you

 

[Chorus]

 

How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else

How to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself

How to numb a la holic to avoid going within

How to stay stuck in blue by blaming them for everything

[greenfairie]

How do you find out if you have BPD?