Borderline Personality Disorder?

[AlexDP]

you owe me a fiver. I made a bet that someone would post this and had a notion that it would be you.

 

I'm simply curious

 

Of course someone was going to say it, Emilia. Let me tell you this, if you were truly detoxed from this clearly toxic relationship, you wouldn't feel the need to understand him, let alone find out ways to make him do what you want him to do. Play the game if you must, but be warned.

[AlexDP]

Also, I am here to grow. Yes it is somewhat strange to say these things, to normal people with normal lives, it probably even sounds utterly nuts. I say these things because no one here knows me and cannot know me. I am safe. In this safety I learn. I learn how others perceive me. In doing so I learn zero data, ie what is normal. In doing this I can develop a compass for myself based off the mean average of responses perceived as normal.

 

I am here to learn from you Alex and everyone else. From you I have learned that some people are just going to be right, not even entertaining the thought that they could be mistaken. I once set out to disprove the existence of God with science. I found things I did not expect and was NOT forced to see the truth. I chose to. The existence of God challenged everything for me. It led me to begin this journey to better myself.

 

I will look for a place to post pics, perhaps start a facebook account or something.

 

I close by saying this. I am going to chill out. Alex you are entitled to your opinion and hell who knows maybe I am wrong, but I will always be trying to get it right. By hurting, learning, and listening to the wisdom of others. I also get your accusasions of manipulation. I can see your point. You are actually rather talented at chasing down motive as the one you provided for my telling these stories is viable and probable based on what you have experienced.

 

Go in peace dude.

 

See, the part in bold means.. nothing. It is meaningless. You did what? Tried to prove that God didn't exist? And then you came to the conclusion that he did? Which would only be the most important piece of information to mankind ever.

 

I know you. You love the attention. And you get it from these guys. Hell, they're complimenting you on your writing skills (which are mediocre at best), praising you for your IQ and they are intrigued by your tortured soul.

 

But I'm not. And it bugs you.

[dreamingoftigers]

You mention also in your post that I can not discount all the scientists involved in this science? Its not science. Its industry. I am qualified degreed scientist. I know what science is. Psychiatry is not science. Its Quackery and neuroscience getting to use real humans in the population as lab rats to learn more about the brain.

 

As a "qualified degreed scientist" one would surely check what the current recommended treatment for BPD is before posting on a thread about BPD. No?

 

But I 110% agree with you about the deceptiveness of the pharmaceutical industry. My husband while not having finished his last semester of study, was completing his Diploma as a Registered Holistic Nutritionist. I am grateful for the knowledge he did acquire and any bumps that we do have we try to treat nutritionally first. Our daughter has benefitted great from this and has not had any pharma at all. She is 3.

 

Neuroscience and psychiatry have advanced beyond shocking dogs to make them better at catching balls.

 

SPECT is a fascinating field that has benefitted many and overturned frivolous and errant diagnoses.

 

I can only say that previous to treatment, my perception, even my physical perception of events was extraorinarily different. Not callous or unempathetic to the pain of others in general BUT as my own anxiety and survival instinct took over I couldn't see anyone else as being concerned, afraid etc.

 

It feels like being trapped and it is very scary. The converse of that is feeling like desolated loneliness.

 

The words mean a lot less without the experience.

 

I am very glad to not have been born even a generation earlier where I would have, most likely, been drugged to the hilt if I even survived at all. Or picked away. Or both.

 

I have also gone on to work with mentally I'll and disabled (plus my brother is severely disabled and my sister autistic). The common societal treatment of people with those conditions is inhumane and glorified storage.

 

As well, I personally believe that vast majority to be overmedicated.

 

My brother was, to the point where it caused severe, unreversable brain damage. He lives on a hospital bed in my parent's living room. Physician error.

 

But even years before that it was always a new "cure" or "cocktail" or just institutionalize the little brat. He can't even talk, what value is he?

 

Unfortunately the revelation of wheat gluten damage to certain vulnerable children was discovered too late. They took the wheat gluten put of his diet. He started talking within weeks. He had his heart stop due to the other meds he was on shortly after.

[dreamingoftigers]

See, the part in bold means.. nothing. It is meaningless. You did what? Tried to prove that God didn't exist? And then you came to the conclusion that he did? Which would only be the most important piece of information to mankind ever.

 

I know you. You love the attention. And you get it from these guys. Hell, they're complimenting you on your writing skills (which are mediocre at best), praising you for your IQ and they are intrigued by your tortured soul.

 

But I'm not. And it bugs you.

 

I've found character assault and accusations to be a particularly strong trigger for BPD people in general.

 

Well, it holds true for a lot of people in the general population as well.

[AlexDP]

I've found character assault and accusations to be a particularly strong trigger for BPD people in general.

 

Well, it holds true for a lot of people in the general population as well.

 

Look at what he wrote about me. It is far far worse than anything I've said. And what triggered it was the mere observation that people with BPD generally tend to disclose very personal information early on (which almost always turns out to be made up in the first place). He got the sense that I was calling him average and he went insane. He feeds on the attention and some members are very keen on giving it, but do you see what happens when you do the opposite?

[HarmonyInDisonance]

See, the part in bold means.. nothing. It is meaningless. You did what? Tried to prove that God didn't exist? And then you came to the conclusion that he did? Which would only be the most important piece of information to mankind ever.

 

I know you. You love the attention. And you get it from these guys. Hell, they're complimenting you on your writing skills (which are mediocre at best), praising you for your IQ and they are intrigued by your tortured soul.

 

But I'm not. And it bugs you.

 

I actually laughed out loud. Dude it doesn't "bug", idiots bug me, close minded rednecks bug me, you are not trying to prove anything here. Your trolling, this is a self help forum. Are you helping no, your just trying to piss people off. You know they are prone to strong reactions and you enjoy it. You may even feel like your delivering justice to these whiny manipulative liars. The fact of the matter is that I enjoy the challenge of debating someone strong willed and opposed to my view.

 

I'm done with you though.

 

One question did you look at the pictures? The dog, the other stuff, it proves I was telling the truth about that, thereby increasing my probable credibility, something you yourself have attempted to do in court I'm sure. You also know, that in the absence of physical evidence, you try to first establish character and credibility.

 

Also I ADMIT that I like the attention. I even wrote in an earlier post that it is like an opiate for me. I don't even think BPD is a DISORDER. I think it is the result of variables experience early in childhood that determine a person character and thinking processes. In other words, they need to be re-raised.

 

I can admit my faults and I am trying to change myself, that is what led me here. You seem to be perfect to me. Also able to make onipotent judgment about things. So why are you in a self help forum. You are here to troll and I'm not responding to it anymore. Like you said I know and you know. Being so naturally gifted at manipulation do you not think it is possible for me to read you and make possibly accurate assumptions also? And yes I found proof of God for me not you or anyone else, but unfortunately it is NOT quantifiable,.... yet.

[AlexDP]

I actually laughed out loud. Dude it doesn't "bug", idiots bug me, close minded rednecks bug me, you are not trying to prove anything here. Your trolling, this is a self help forum. Are you helping no, your just trying to piss people off. You know they are prone to strong reactions and you enjoy it. You may even feel like your delivering justice to these whiny manipulative liars. The fact of the matter is that I enjoy the challenge of debating someone strong willed and opposed to my view.

 

I'm done with you though.

 

One question did you look at the pictures? The dog, the other stuff, it proves I was telling the truth about that, thereby increasing my probable credibility, something you yourself have attempted to do in court I'm sure. You also know, that in the absence of physical evidence, you try to first establish character and credibility.

Also I ADMIT that I like the attention. I even wrote in an earlier post that it is like an opiate for me. I don't even think BPD is a DISORDER. I think it is the result of variables experience early in childhood that determine a person character and thinking processes. In other words, they need to be re-raised.

 

I can admit my faults and I am trying to change myself, that is what led me here. You seem to be perfect to me. Also able to make onipotent judgment about things. So why are you in a self help forum. You are here to troll and I'm not responding to it anymore. Like you said I know and you know. Being so naturally gifted at manipulation do you not think it is possible for me to read you and make possibly accurate assumptions also? And yes I found proof of God for me not you or anyone else, but unfortunately it is NOT quantifiable,.... yet.

 

You establish credirbility by showing things that either no one knows about or proving certain details that are vital to the story. You don't build a character by saying: "I also said I had a dog, here's a picture of a dog, now believe that I found proof of God". That's not how it works in a court.

 

Harmony, I say this would a shred of malice, but your stories would be butchered in court. They are far fetched and they display the signature of a liar: they're filled with details that are unnecessary and don't add to the story. Furthermore you also show yourself as the victim in every single one of them and that isn't realistic either.

 

Also, you do not enjoy the debate with a strong willed person who will point out where you are wrong. You want attention. And not the kind I'm giving you.

[Mack05]

Of course someone was going to say it, Emilia. Let me tell you this, if you were truly detoxed from this clearly toxic relationship, you wouldn't feel the need to understand him, let alone find out ways to make him do what you want him to do. Play the game if you must, but be warned.

 

Besides the odd slagging of people off this is an awesome thread. Articulate people making fantastic points.

 

I don't agree with the last statement above. I am well over my last ex, but I am still fascinated about BPD. I post on BPD threads to try help others from my experience. Not because I haven't detoxified.

 

As Downtown has said many times we all exhibit some of the symptoms. I want to learn for my future. Learn to be a more emotionally mature man. I also want to be less black and white in the future. Seeing how Black and white my ex is very educational. How she splits, projects, gaslights. I don't want to have a thought process in anyway like she has.

 

I think I can be more flexible in future, if I have a certain understanding behind some of the negative behaviours involved in BPD.

Edited April 2, 2013 by Mack05

[AlexDP]

Besides the odd slagging of people off this is an awesome thread. Articulate people making fantastic points.

 

I don't agree with the last statement above. I am well over my last ex, but I am still fascinated about BPD. I post on BPD threads to try help others from my experience. Not because I haven't detoxified.

 

As Downtown has said many times we all exhibit some of the symptoms. I want to learn for my future. Learn to be a more emotionally mature man. I also want to be less black and white in the future. I think I can be more flexible in future, if I have a certain understanding behind some of the negative behaviours involved in BPD.

 

I think you missed the point. You should learn more about it, but you should learn more about if for you. Not to understand a BPD ex. Never to understand a BPD ex. Crazy behaviour is crazy behaviour.

[Mack05]

I think you missed the point. You should learn more about it, but you should learn more about if for you. Not to understand a BPD ex. Never to understand a BPD ex. Crazy behaviour is crazy behaviour.

 

Well if I call her crazy (and I have in the past on these forums) then I am as black and white as she is. That is what I am trying to avoid..

[AlexDP]

Well if I call her crazy (and I have in the past on these forums) then I am as black and white as she is. That is what I am trying to avoid..

 

Again: crazy behaviour is crazy behaviour. People with BPD are not crazy, they should be held responsible for everything they do.

[Mack05]

Again: crazy behaviour is crazy behaviour. People with BPD are not crazy, they should be held responsible for everything they do.

 

Alex I'm just relieved she is someone else's problem. Even though her actions and behaviours were far from normal, I accept my behaviours at times were not good enough in the relationship. Far from it. The different is I happy to take responsibility. She is happy to move forward without learning. To put all the blame on me and make me out to be 'all bad'. She truly believes I have twisted everything against her. Therefore it's easy to move forward with no regrets.

 

If only it was that easy for me. At some stage in the future I'm going to have to jump. Which means meeting a girl and just going for it. I'm getting closer. I feel it. I am of course scared I might not meet 'the one', but I try put those thoughts to one side when they enter my head. Venting here is good for that.

 

I guess I finally believe again if I don't meet a great girl, it really is a travesty as I have so much to offer. That wasn't always the case. The key thing is to fully let go of all the baggage from two toxic relationships in a row. There will come a time I will never want to hear the term BPD again!!!I hope that time is really soon..

[dreamingoftigers]

Look at what he wrote about me. It is far far worse than anything I've said. And what triggered it was the mere observation that people with BPD generally tend to disclose very personal information early on (which almost always turns out to be made up in the first place). He got the sense that I was calling him average and he went insane. He feeds on the attention and some members are very keen on giving it, but do you see what happens when you do the opposite?

 

Um, I wasn't saying, "hey Alex, you stink, take abuse and say nothing back."

 

I'm saying that a pre-treatment BPD with a co-morbid condition is likely to be triggered by someone saying "you're a liar" (in essence). Or calling into question one's character.

 

Plus, in active BPD there's almost this intense opposition to prove oneself to those that doubt (and often shame) and the more it is denied, the LOUDER the proving gets. Furthermore, the people that believe and follow a BPDr, are more likely to be cast aside callously. But you can't see it when you are in it.

 

Now, you mentioned somewhere (and forgive me if I'm wrong, I have a short time now to respond, so I'm not searching for the quote) that BPD was simply about not wanting to take responsibility, not a real "disorder."

 

Truly, honestly, do you really think that the average person sans dysregulation would go as far as disappearing, suicide attempts and a whole other series of self-harming and destructive behaviours to not have to, what exactly?

 

Work? I had to work to live.

Have a family? It's 10x harder as a BPD and BPDr people lose relationships more often.

 

And honestly with HID's posts here, (no offense HID, it's all good man and I hope you agree) you don't think there's something off JUST A TAD? you don't think there is some perceptual or emotional dysregulation?

 

And if it's "all for attention" doesn't that suggest being screwed up in and of itself?

[dreamingoftigers]

Again: crazy behaviour is crazy behaviour. People with BPD are not crazy, they should be held responsible for everything they do.

 

In what sense?

 

As in criminally? Because that already happens.

Familially? Typically they alienate those close to them.

Employment? A sign of the instability would often be trouble holding down a job or creating a hostile work environment.

 

How are BPD people not held to account?

Granted a lot of the consequences are natural.

 

I find this interesting.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think that goes with just about any traumatic relationship.

 

If we are somewhat healthy, we want to analyze and run through our heads a whole bunch of times the roots and behaviours of the issue.

 

We want to do all we can from it happening again.

 

It doesn't mean we want "that person" back. It means we want to learn about and avoid that situation from ever happening again.

 

Alex I'm just relieved she is someone else's problem. Even though her actions and behaviours were far from normal, I accept my behaviours at times were not good enough in the relationship. Far from it. The different is I happy to take responsibility. She is happy to move forward without learning. To put all the blame on me and make me out to be 'all bad'. She truly believes I have twisted everything against her. Therefore it's easy to move forward with no regrets.

 

If only it was that easy for me. At some stage in the future I'm going to have to jump. Which means meeting a girl and just going for it. I'm getting closer. I feel it. I am of course scared I might not meet 'the one', but I try put those thoughts to one side when they enter my head. Venting here is good for that.

 

I guess I finally believe again if I don't meet a great girl, it really is a travesty as I have so much to offer. That wasn't always the case. The key thing is to fully let go of all the baggage from two toxic relationships in a row. There will come a time I will never want to hear the term BPD again!!!I hope that time is really soon..

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I agree completely that somethings is off kilter with me. I even question if I am reading into events properly.

 

I also understand why people would not believe me. It's a ridiculous story. It doesn't really matter though. I found a lot of useful information. I am starting to question whether or not I have BPD. I am going to download that chart someone mentioned before, sorry don't wanna flip back through right now. I am going to track my behavior and triggers with the help of my wife. I want to know if A the bipolar's exact role in my behavior, and B if BPD is a factor.

 

I'm just not sure. I fit all the criteria recently, but that is the first time I have checked. I am starting to stabilize so I am going to wait until I am completely up and take it again. There are times when it is easy to be normal. I feel like being nice to people and I enjoy it.

 

But during mania it can go in ANY direction. In depression I'm mostly worthless, just sliding in with brakes smoking at the end of the day.

 

So I have to question how much of this is mania, or a possibly a mixed state.

 

I hate that I come across as a liar. I include a great deal of detail in all my writing. Something you are all welcome to see for yourselves as I started a thread of my own. My thread doesn't have anything to do with me either, I am simply interested in a scientific discussion about Physical catalyst and perceived metaphysical output.

 

I apologize for my behavior. Too be frank I am embarrassed about sharing so much of myself. I have done this in the past, but mainly to the effect of pure rage ranting. I just wanted to let it out. Yes I suppose this makes me weak, but I am really past caring about that. I respond particularly to threats against what I see as my only positive trait.

 

I was also looking for something, anything that made sense.

 

I would also point out that I showed pics of a dog that was stabbed, the wounds are apparent. I mentioned before posting the pics the description of the grave. I posted things I have done to myself yes, but only to attempt to prove that at least some of what I was saying. Then there is the seat belts. I suppose it is possible that I went out and cut them just for the sake of attention.

 

I just wanted someone to care to believe. I did not come here looking for that specifically, but I just ended up spewing all of this stuff out. I feel better for it. I came away from this discussion with more information than I had before.

 

I'll have to see what the title of that thread was, I forget.

 

I apologize again for my errant behavior. I also invite anyone who wants to participate to join me for discussion. I am particularly interested in relating emotional throughput into some sort of physical metric. I really think It is possible and I think I have found a system to do it.

 

Oh and one last thing. I did not find the kind of proof that one finds in a lab. I did not make some Earth shaking discovery like the Higgs boson, or is it bosom, I forget. I found out that no matter how hard I tried, medicated or otherwise, that I could not stop hurting others. I found however that when I read the bible everyday, AND applied it, I was just at peace. I have questioned hundreds of times whether what affected me was God or some sort of mania fueled fantasy. It just kinda fell into place. Since then I have have stopped taking things out on my family, but I still take them out on me. I also stopped doing drugs. I no longer drink more often than once or twice a month. When doing so I very rarely exceed three beers. Those things were impossible for me before and one day they where just easy.

 

I struggle with my faith constantly because of how I am. Most of the time I hate to even admit that I am a Christian. I know I make us look terrible.

 

I am truly grateful for your input Alex and I apologize directly. Yes you pissed me off, but that's life and it is something I am gonna have to learn do deal with.

 

I'll stay out of this from here on, unless directly questioned. Thanks to everyone, I learned from all of you. And I do mean ALL of you.

Edited April 2, 2013 by HarmonyInDisonance

[Downtown]

Downtown, how can I go about verifying my current IQ without spending any money? Cause now I'm pissed and feel the need to justify my claims.

Please don't do so on my behalf, Harmony. I am not questioning the validity of your test result. I believe you're telling the truth about it.

[Downtown]

I want to know if A the bipolar's exact role in my behavior, and B if BPD is a factor.

Harmony, I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of a bipolar foster son for longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a series of psychologists for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found twelve clear differences between bipolar disorder and BPD.

 

One difference is that the mood swings are on two separate spectra having very different polar extremes. A bipolar-1 sufferer swings between mania and depression and a bipolar-2 sufferer swings between depression and normality (with very little or no mania). In contrast, a BPDer flips back and forth between loving you and devaluing you.

 

A second difference is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days.

 

A third difference is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours).

 

A fourth difference is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action.

 

A fifth difference is that, whereas bipolar can be treated very successfully in at least 80% of victims by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from childhood damage to the emotional core -- not from a change in body chemistry.

 

A sixth difference is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly.

 

A seventh difference is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer is not usually angry, a BPDer is filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You only have to say or do some minor thing to trigger a sudden release of that anger.

 

An eight difference is that a bipolar sufferer typically is capable of tolerating intimacy when he is not experiencing strong mania or depression. In contrast, BPDers have such a weak and unstable self image that (except for the brief infatuation period) they cannot tolerate intimacy for long before feeling engulfed and suffocated by your personality.

 

BPDers therefore will create arguments over nothing as a way to push you away and give them breathing room. Hence, it is not surprising that they tend to create the very worst arguments immediately following the very best of times, i.e., right after an intimate evening or a great weekend spent together.

 

A ninth difference is that the thinking and behavior of a BPDer includes more mental departures from reality (called "dissociation") wherein "feelings create facts." That is, BPDers typically do not intellectually challenge their intense feelings. Instead, they accept them as accurately reflecting your intentions and motivations. In contrast, bipolar disorder tends to be more neurotic in that the mood swings tend to be based more on extreme exaggerations of fact, not the creation of "fact" out of thin air based solely on feelings.

 

A tenth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he or she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves. Sadly, this lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when people cannot trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will.

 

An eleventh difference is that, whereas BPDers are always convinced they are "The Victim," bipolar sufferers usually have a much stronger self image. BPDers therefore have a strong need to validate that false self image by blaming every misfortune on the spouse.

 

Finally, a twelfth difference is that, although bipolar sufferers are emotionally unstable, they generally are not immature or childlike. BPDers, in contrast, are so immature that their emotional development typically is frozen at about age four. This is why they have a very fragile self image and have difficulty controlling their emotions.

 

Yet, despite these twelve differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. One source of this confusion seems to be the fact that these two disorders often occur together. A large portion of bipolar-I sufferers also have full-blown BPD. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that, of the males diagnosed as exhibiting bipolar-1 in the 12 months prior to the test, 54% also had full-blown BPD. See Table 2 at Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Borderline Personality Disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions. I hope this is helpful in some way, Harmony.

[dreamingoftigers]

That was some of the best-articulated explaining of the differences Downtown!

 

When I read the moods changing four times in four days, it made me chuckle inside, sometimes it's hour to hour, minute to minute.

 

Whereas it's not the chemistry changing, the mood swings do have a physical impact as well. I could get so tense that I would be stiff and sore, for instance.

 

That was just.... GREAT!

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Please don't do so on my behalf, Harmony. I am not questioning the validity of your test result. I believe you're telling the truth about it.

 

Oh, lol, no no, That had nothing to do with you. I just figured that you would be more likely to know if it is possible to get a real IQ test for free. Plus now that the thought has crossed my mind, I am curious.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Oh I apparently named that thread "Quantifying Emotional intensity" Or I guess you could search by name...

 

Time for me to relax.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I hope this is helpful in some way, Harmony.

 

Very much so... I have to consider this. Something just doesn't jive right here. I understand that BPD is a spectrum disorder. Meaning it is a disorder defined by certain traits being on an exaggerated level in comparison to the mean average; right?

 

So then, here is the thing. I have always had a lot of anger pent up inside me. I have always gotten way more angry than normal, in response to most anything threatening. When I was very little I ran and cowered. Then one day the dynamic just changed. I was still small and really weird, lol, and dorky looking. The change was in that I no longer ran, instead I responded to almost any threat with overwhelming and immediate force.

 

I never started it, but I would overreact to things. Looking back it probably got me noticed for being easy to provoke. Therefore targeted and as such, given more opportunities to overreact and so on.

 

Recently, about a year ago, my patterns changed completely. No longer were they long and easy to predict, but became erratic. I began to experience mixed states for the first time, these from personal experience seem to be SUPER dangerous. Mania seemed to increase in frequency and length of episode.

 

Recently however I have been building up on and anti depressant and a mood stabilizer. For a few months there I had neither. The anti-depressant was a recent addition and a new one since the introduction of lamictal. I must say, I feel way better. It is only just starting to kick in.

 

The total change in cycling however is confusing the crap out of me. Does this often occur?

 

In summary, I fit BPD, but before the strange change in my condition, I fit about half. I did fit the criteria for higher functioning, but only barely. Then out of the blue, one year after receiving this diagnosis, all hell broke loose. This is what prompted me to research the BPD added to diagnosis. So the earlier behavior at least was not affected by the diagnosis as they lied about its nature making sound like some sort of bipolar variant. Thus I ignored it completely. After a year of the crazies from hell, I checked out BPD. Basically read about being referred to as the kiss of death. The other popular opinion seemed to be that BPDers where just plain Evil. I never enjoyed hurting people though. I feel actually gut wrenching guilt.

 

Guilt or no however, I am smart enough to know that your options are not dependent upon your motivations, your blame, or even your lucidity, they depend upon how the world perceives you. Jobs, mates, even luck, you name it, all about those prospective-point of view-perceptions.

 

So I reasoned that by extension, I too was Evil. No excuse, just an evil worthless waste of flesh. I must have somewhere deep down wanted to hurt those people or I would have chosen differently. But I really don't like hurting people, I hate it.

 

So why is it that there are one or two things off in BPD diagnosis.

 

Big things, like the level of awareness. Also I am able to feel intamacy for long periods of time, but my behavior usually makes it unavailable. MY wife is no push over. No really, I pissed her off good once. Dared to to just skip the 5 hour rant and just sock me, I said it would be quicker and ultimately far less painful on my head. Boy... did she punch the **** outta me. Really, I've had my butt kicked more times than I can even guess at. That woman just has a knack for a solid hook. God I do love her!

 

I can also trust, albeit it literally takes years, but once you have it that is it; I will follow you to hell on a word.

 

So many things fit that before a year ago did not.

 

Dude, my cycles were so predictable. I mean like as in no variations outside of a few weeks for YEARS.

 

So I ran on again, I suck I know.

 

So I will look into this stuff. Frankly I quit charting things shortly after becoming so erratic, and am only now really noticing it, but it changed in other ways too.

 

I know you guys aren't professionals, but has anyone heard of bipolar cycling doing this so suddenly. Seems odd. Perhaps getting into my thirties now my body chemistry has changed, but that should be a much slower process. This almost seemed to happen over night.

 

I have learn much and yet know less, now at least. Thank you downtown. I have actually been looking around for something EXACTLY like what you posted here. I have some questions for my doctor and Psychologist.

[dreamingoftigers]

If you have around $2400 kicking around, go to an Amen Clinic and get a SPECT scan. They'll be able to see what's rolling around in there.

 

My husband and I both intend to go.

My father went two years ago and it did wonders for him.

 

The Amen Clinics

[William]

Anyone who posts the slew of commercial links seen in this thread can expect to be auto-moderated. It's the links. The software sees them and sends them to us for approval. Most regulars know this. Just leave it. Moderation will get to it. Thanks.

[Emilia]

Of course someone was going to say it, Emilia. Let me tell you this, if you were truly detoxed from this clearly toxic relationship, you wouldn't feel the need to understand him, let alone find out ways to make him do what you want him to do. Play the game if you must, but be warned.

 

Jesus, the rocket scientist has posted again.

 

Not that this is any of your business but he got in touch with me a month ago asked to meet up and to get together. I said no. Hence the conversation I had posted about to respond to carhill on the 2nd or 3rd page here.

 

My interest in PDs is related to my ex to a degree but there is something else behind it and you don't know anything about that because I've never posted about it.

 

Your presumption that you know it all is extremely irritating and makes you look less smart.