Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Nik1]

My sister is MAJOR bipolar, like I'd say borderline schizophrenic. It's like she lives in her own little world where everyone must adhere to her whims and when she doesn't receive that treatment, she goes off the wall to the point where she's basically alienated herself from my Dad and his entire side of the family (my Mom and her side are very meek so they're still on good terms, but everyone knows she's freaking crazy). It's really sad, she used to be so happy and nice... then she hit her preteen years and quickly developed into a new person, which I was forced to suffer the bulk of her behavior. It got so bad that between ages 14 and 18 or so, I ****ed HATED her. Not using that term lightly, I would avoid her at all costs and rarely talk to her unless I absolutely had to communicate something.

 

One thing she did that I hated in particular were her outrageous claims and the way she would accuse me of stuff that she did. And when her friends were over she made sure to humiliate me with those tactics. For instance, like I said before, when we were younger kids she was a nice and happy child and I was the troubled one. I'd always get in trouble at school or at the babysitters (she'd often be the one to squeal) and back in those days, my parents were into spankings. So once we hit our teen years, I started straightening up and she became the problem child, and because I rarely got in trouble she would relentlessly tease me and call me "little miss perfect" (a cheap shot at my masculinity) and make those outrageous claims that "I was always the favorite and they hated her... she was an accident... blah blah blah", then I'd comeback with reminders that I used to get spanked all the time, which she'd just flat out deny ever happened.

 

So yeah, by this time, spanking had fallen out of fashion with our parents (probably because she would threaten to call social services on them and get us taken away, which I almost knocked her the **** out for once), so she just kept getting worse and worse. She'd act out, get yelled at, tell our parents she hated them (heck, I remember one time driving with her and my mom and they were arguing about something and my sister ended up screaming "You are not my mother!" to which we both had a good laugh at)... then she'd come back a few weeks later, sweet-talk them and get back into their good graces. You can safely say she was treated like a Princess. It really used to irk me how she treated our parents (and still does, but wait till I get to that) because our parents were great. We weren't poor, but we weren't stinking rich either and we always got everything on our Christmas lists. My Dad rented her a car and gave her date a couple hundred dollars for prom (yet she still insists that he never did one nice thing for her in her entire life).

 

When she graduated high school, my Mom had finally had enough and kicked her out of the house to live with my Dad where she preceded to continue her behavior to this day. I had to move to a new school and lose all my friends (really, I'm the one who got the **** end of the stick from our childhood). She went to college but stopped going cause she broke up with a boyfriend who was attending all her same classes (another thing that really irks me cause she was always smarter than I was, but decided to piss everything away)... Fast forward to today and it's still pretty much the same story. She had a kid with her ex husband (who was a good friend) cept... wait for it... it turned out to not be his and she kept this from him for two years. Then when she moved out the house she sold EVERYTHING, even the stuff that wasn't hers out of spite because he broke up with her (before he found out about the baby). And let me tell you, I lived with them for a while and she treated this guy like dirt. I'm not exaggerating when I say that they maybe had two or three civil conversations in the eight months I was there, the rest was yelling and screaming... it was actually pretty ridiculous. Now she roped in a new guy and she treats him the exact same way. When I went to visit them a couple weeks ago, I just wanted to ring her neck and shout "You're gonna lose another guy, why do you keep doing this, don't you see what a monster you are?"

 

Then there's the thing that happened with my Dad. My Dad was the main signer on her car and she had stopped making the payments on it for four months (opting instead to buy a bunch of **** for her new house, which her current boyfriend confided in me was stupid and he tried to tell her not to, but you just can't tell that bitch anything) and on top of that had a bunch of parking tickets. So, being that it was my Dad's credit on the line, he repossessed it. I think that might have been the last straw between them. She called him a bunch of names and doesn't even consider him her Dad any more and refuses to speak to her until she apologizes, which she won't cause she's FREAKING INSANE!!!

 

MY FINAL THESIS, IN CASE YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE READING THE REST: Bipolar disorder is like a disease that makes you evil. I have a little bipolar in me as well, I can feel it. I have abandonment issues (although now that I've actually been abandoned, I think I can handle it better). I often get feelings of paranoia, that everyone's against me and out to sabotage my life. I use to practice self-mutilation (beat my head, burned myself with cigarettes, ect.)... so I know the feeling. I'm not actually bipolar (unless I'm drinking 103), I can mostly control these thoughts... but I know the basic feeling. Sometimes I feel bad for my sister because I know she's stuck in this evil world her mind's created... but then again, she also refuses to do anything about. She'd rather use her disorder as an excuse and sometimes even a weapon and instead opts to support her shopping addiction instead of buying the four or five medications she needs to keep herself under control.

 

Honestly, I think all bipolar people needs (well, let's not go that far, take your ****ing meds, please) is a good kick in the ass. That's something my sister never got. My parents treated her like a Princess and tried to help her with understanding. She was a pretty girl in school, so she was always surrounded by yes men. Now look where she's at, a ****ing mess of a person. On the other hand, I suffer similar thoughts, but I was the boy, so I got punished when it was seen fit (and sometimes just to make damn sure). I was fat and covered in zits in school so no one took it easy on me. And while I'm still a pretty pathetic person, at least I've learned to control my anger somewhat (again, unless I drink 103).

 

It really is a horrible thing, it takes away your ability to reason. Life sucks, everyone knows that, but it's much harder to accept it when you're bipolar. It's like an evil part of your soul that just insists that you get revenged on the world instead of grin and bare it like the rest of humanity does.

Edited June 12, 2013 by Nik1

[iouaname]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this, Harmony! What an awful thing for your father to say, though.

 

 

I believe that I have bpd, but have not had a chance to be diagnosed. I have really wrecked my own life over the past six months and I feel like every time I try to dig myself out of it, I just dig myself further and further into it and I can't stop. I am hoping to get treatment for it soon before it continues to spiral. It's so hard when you feel like your own worst enemy!

[HarmonyInDisonance]

 

MY FINAL THESIS, IN CASE YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE READING THE REST: Bipolar disorder is like a disease that makes you evil. I have a little bipolar in me as well, I can feel it. I have abandonment issues (although now that I've actually been abandoned, I think I can handle it better). I often get feelings of paranoia, that everyone's against me and out to sabotage my life. I use to practice self-mutilation (beat my head, burned myself with cigarettes, ect.)... so I know the feeling. I'm not actually bipolar (unless I'm drinking 103), I can mostly control these thoughts... but I know the basic feeling. Sometimes I feel bad for my sister because I know she's stuck in this evil world her mind's created... but then again, she also refuses to do anything about. She'd rather use her disorder as an excuse and sometimes even a weapon and instead opts to support her shopping addiction instead of buying the four or five medications she needs to keep herself under control.

 

Honestly, I think all bipolar people needs (well, let's not go that far, take your ****ing meds, please) is a good kick in the ass. That's something my sister never got. My parents treated her like a Princess and tried to help her with understanding. She was a pretty girl in school, so she was always surrounded by yes men. Now look where she's at, a ****ing mess of a person. On the other hand, I suffer similar thoughts, but I was the boy, so I got punished when it was seen fit (and sometimes just to make damn sure). I was fat and covered in zits in school so no one took it easy on me. And while I'm still a pretty pathetic person, at least I've learned to control my anger somewhat (again, unless I drink 103).

 

It really is a horrible thing, it takes away your ability to reason. Life sucks, everyone knows that, but it's much harder to accept it when you're bipolar. It's like an evil part of your soul that just insists that you get revenged on the world instead of grin and bare it like the rest of humanity does.

 

Wow... Jeez, maybe I'm not so bad after all.

 

Anyway, thank you for your input. So often when I do hear from the receiving end of this disorder it is with much malice and ill will. I find it enlightening to read this delivered in an objective way. I differ greatly from your sis primarily in two ways.

 

1: I kinda got the opposite treatment, actually being abandoned twice. Once sent to live with grandparents alone, which wasn't too bad. It happened again when I was somewhere in my mid teens, but this time my folks just dropped me off in front of a mission in Dalton.

 

2: I am not proactive in my rage. I do however greatly overreact to genuine and perceived slights.

 

There is an exception. If I detect an unavoidable threat (real or imagined) I always follow the same protocol... Attack first, viciously, with everything I can bring to bear. I learned this attitude in a variety of institutions, many of which I was the minority.

 

The problem with this of course is that my friend or foe indicator is way jacked up. As a result I often commit some emotional fratricide.

 

This post of yours reminds me of a point made way back in this thread. BPD can result from either overly abusive parenting or overly protective/doting parenting. It of course can also still produce relatively normal people.

 

It is always interesting to read other people's experiences with this. Oh and BTW, I went through a faze where I acted very much like your sister. It is one of the darker periods in my life. I realize now that simple acts can have greatly affect people all their lives. I wonder at how much destruction I have truly caused. I am sorry though. I just wish I would have been aware of this information about 15 years ago. I just thought I was evil.

 

Well thanks for your post I think my afternoon smoke break was over a while ago.

 

Cyas

[HarmonyInDisonance]

@ Nik1

 

BTW, I probably should have said this first, but damn, I'm sorry you went through that. It sounds like you have a good one on your hands there.

 

This is the sort of stuff that makes me understand why normal people eventually run off and leave us. You HAVE to. People with BPD or Bipolar tend to be like black holes. We feed of your light until it is all gone. It does no good however as we, like the black hole, will never be sated.

 

So I am in dark eternal,

raging quiet this black inferno.

Until the time comes once again,

to feed off my family and my friends.

And so the beast sleeps for but a season.

On and on devoid of reason.

 

I used to be a freestyle artist, sometimes the mood still strikes me...

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this, Harmony! What an awful thing for your father to say, though.

 

 

I believe that I have bpd, but have not had a chance to be diagnosed. I have really wrecked my own life over the past six months and I feel like every time I try to dig myself out of it, I just dig myself further and further into it and I can't stop. I am hoping to get treatment for it soon before it continues to spiral. It's so hard when you feel like your own worst enemy!

 

Thank you for your kind words, now for a few of my own.

 

Get help sooner rather than later. It may be that you have some sort of mental illness, it may simply be that you need to work on some things in your life.

 

What I do know is this. If in fact you do have bipolar, BPD, or other such illnesses, it is imperative to get it under control as soon a possible. There is the kindling effect and the effect of your choices made whilst in delusion, psychosis ext. In other words, your illness can get worse, AND your life will get worse as a result of your actions. The farther into it you go, the harder it is to recover.

 

So take my advice, make it a priority. Don't wait until you have alienated everyone who may have once helped. Once you get there it is all but impossible to return!

[Downtown]

My sister is MAJOR bipolar

Perhaps so, Nik. But that is not what you're describing. Nearly all the behaviors you attribute to your sister are classic traits of BPD. If you are interested in the many differences between bipolar and BPD, I identify 12 of them in my post (#202 above) at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/380507-calling-all-those-bpd-14.html#post4754080.

She's FREAKING INSANE!!!

Perhaps so. But, again, that is NOT what you are describing. You primarily are describing BPD traits and, even if she had full-blown BPD, she would not be insane. To be "crazy" or "insane," a person has to lose touch with physical reality, e.g., believing that the news announcer on TV is speaking to her personally. That is, an insane person has a distorted perception of physical reality. BPDers, however, see physical reality just fine. What is distorted is their perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations.

Bipolar disorder is like a disease that makes you evil.

No, neither bipolar nor BPD makes a person "evil." My bipolar foster son and my BPDer exW are both good people. Their problem is not being "evil" but, rather, being emotionally unstable. Such people often are capable of great generosity and intense caring. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD, if their biographers are to be believed.

[Downtown]

People with BPD or Bipolar tend to be like black holes. We feed off your light until it is all gone.

Harmony, you are confusing BPD with what you've seen in vampire movies. As you know, BPDers typically have the emotional development of a four year old. Hence, saying that a BPDer is sucking "the light" out of her spouse is like saying that a four year old has the power to suck the light out of his own parents. If the parents are emotionally mature, they will establish healthy boundaries for the child and they will enforce those boundaries. Likewise, if your partner is emotionally mature, you will not have the power to "feed off his light."

 

The folks who end up in lengthy toxic relationships with BPDers -- as I did for 15 years -- are not VICTIMS but, rather, willing VOLUNTEERS. Healthy folks typically do not remain in a BPDer relationship for longer than 12 to 18 months. They will enjoy the ecstatic, passionate courtship period for 6 months and then, when the BPDer's bad traits appear, they may spend another 6 to 12 months trying to restore that wonderful person they saw at the beginning. Then they bail. They therefore do not stay around long enough to be sucked dry because they are protected by their strong personal boundaries.

 

Importantly, even if the partner does stay around for years, he still is not a victim. That is, the toxicity is not something the BPDer is doing to HIM. Rather, it is something both partners are doing to EACH OTHER. Both parties play a contributing role. It takes two willing people to sustain a toxic relationship for years and years.

Edited June 13, 2013 by Downtown

[iouaname]

It has helped me a lot being able to sort of identify what it is that I have wrong with me. I feel extremely emotionally turbulent and out-of-control lately. I think people are getting frustrated with the 'emotional insanity' (and trust me, I'm getting frustrated myself) but I haven't been able to get it together.

 

Whenever I perceive someone as being frustrated with me, I go overboard in an attempt to get them not to be frustrated with me which just results in them getting even more frustrated. I can't handle being ignored, I become psychotic and violent towards myself.

 

I have started self-harming again. It helps me take the focus off of all of the things going on and helps me put it back on myself, which I know is an unhealthy way of dealing with things.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Harmony, you are confusing BPD with what you've seen in vampire movies. As you know, BPDers typically have the emotional development of a four year old. Hence, saying that a BPDer is sucking "the light" out of her spouse is like saying that a four year old has the power to suck the light out of his own parents. If the parents are emotionally mature, they will establish healthy boundaries for the child and they will enforce those boundaries. Likewise, if your partner is emotionally mature, you will not have the power to "feed off his light."

 

The folks who end up in lengthy toxic relationships with BPDers -- as I did for 15 years -- are not VICTIMS but, rather, willing VOLUNTEERS. Healthy folks typically do not remain in a BPDer relationship for longer than 12 to 18 months. They will enjoy the ecstatic, passionate courtship period for 6 months and then, when the BPDer's bad traits appear, they may spend another 6 to 12 months trying to restore that wonderful person they saw at the beginning. Then they bail. They therefore do not stay around long enough to be sucked dry because they are protected by their strong personal boundaries.

 

Importantly, even if the partner does stay around for years, he still is not a victim. That is, the toxicity is not something the BPDer is doing to HIM. Rather, it is something both partners are doing to EACH OTHER. Both parties play a contributing role. It takes two willing people to sustain a toxic relationship for years and years.

 

I guess the analogy doesn't apply to everyone, but that is what I have heard said about me. Then again I have both bipolar and BPD. I remember your posts Downtown, they were very illuminating.

 

All I know is that I have made anyone who has to be around me miserable. My wife has put the kids on waiting lists for school, daycare, ext. She would have left me several times before if there was any alternative for childcare, but with what she makes we are limited to charity programs. These have long waiting lists to get on. I knew it was over when she told me she had already had them on the lists for a couple months.

 

So, sometimes two people stay in a toxic relationship because they are poor and cannot afford to divorce or even separate. I don't blame her though. You don't stay on a sinking ship and die no matter how much you love it. You save yourself of lose both, that's life, it's about survival.

[Emilia]

I'm glad you are still alive Harmony. I wasn't quite sure what to say yesterday when I read your post.

[iouaname]

I had an episode yesterday afternoon that lasted until about 1am. I was so hysterical that I was dry-heaving and resorted to cutting myself, which is something that I have not done in a long time. I feel like it is one step forward with me and several giant steps backwards, all the time.

 

I'm also experiencing so much push/pull with people. There are moments where I feel like I absolutely need people in my life and then there are moments where I feel like I need to completely isolate myself. I push people away because I am afraid of getting emotionally attached to them and then when I feel them leaving I pull them back because I am afraid of being abandoned.

 

It's exhausting. 2013 has not been my year =/

[Emilia]

I'm also experiencing so much push/pull with people. There are moments where I feel like I absolutely need people in my life and then there are moments where I feel like I need to completely isolate myself. I push people away because I am afraid of getting emotionally attached to them and then when I feel them leaving I pull them back because I am afraid of being abandoned.

I've read your comments about suicide in another thread.

 

What has your therapist told you about your diagnosis?

[iouaname]

I've read your comments about suicide in another thread.

 

What has your therapist told you about your diagnosis?

 

Not much at all, actually. I've only been given a few resources to look into. I'm still in the very beginning stages of getting treatment for this, because previously I was only seeing a therapist about depression/anxiety after a breakup.

[J_L_C]

Yes of course as it is a spectrum disorder and we all experience aspects of dysfunctional behaviour in ourselves and see it in other people. We all project after all and occasionally shut people out. Not even close to what splitting is like though. Once you experience that a handful of times you know you are dealing with something very different from an ex shouting at you on the phone and going quiet for a few days.

 

It's not so much about the label, it's the idea of being able to talk to people about a set of behaviour patterns that confuse the hell out of you, upset you and disturb you because you don't understand why the other person is so frikken weird and why consistently project the same thing over and over again. And why they keep shutting you out again and again and again when you haven't done anything wrong and never said anything hurtful.

 

The give away should be that you can't be friends with an ex who has BPD and that no matter how hard you try you can't get through. Which is just very sad.

 

I'm glad treatment works DoT.

 

I have BPD...was diagnosed a few years ago. Why do you say for someone with BPD you cannot be friends with an ex???

[Emilia]

I have BPD...was diagnosed a few years ago. Why do you say for someone with BPD you cannot be friends with an ex???

I think your threads here speak for themselves.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have BPD...was diagnosed a few years ago. Why do you say for someone with BPD you cannot be friends with an ex???

 

Because when in active BPD, trying to remain friends with an ex is like smashing your face into a doorframe hoping to come away looking like you had plastic surgery.

 

You hope for a reconnection. BUT we don't really when THEM for who they are because the trust is already snapped with some that left us. But we want them to want us. We want them as an overwhelmingly obvious Plan B. We need something to pin ourselves down to. A mirror to reflect ourselves upon.

 

So we go into friendship with manipulative motives of trying to get our partners to come back and we hover around in a sick-sad hope. Then if they do come back we can even play nice for a bit and then we emotionally skewer them if they get too close because "they left us when we needed them the most."

 

And it plays back and forth with them throwing out waves of hopefulness and them smashing their little ships across put rocky shoals when they draw too near.

 

But we can't see it because we are in so much pain ourselves.

 

Like lonely sirens.

We want the company and lull them in. Then we see an impeding threat and destroy them. There's no winning for an ex of a BPD person.

 

BUT there's no winning for us either. Because we either see ourselves great and not deserving of their second-class treatment or we see ourselves as unlovable and having let someone miserably down, and now they must "hate" us.

 

When most likely the truth is more terrifying to us. That person we obsess aboyt and need as a mirror to understand who we at any given moment dpesnt feel that same way about us, even at the best of times. Because they have their identity and their own life. As well, they certainly don't think of us when we split to anywhere near the amount we focus, obsess, leave hang-up calls etc to them.

[Downtown]

JLC, I agree with Dreaming and Emilia. I will only add that, until a BPDer learns how to trust herself, she is incapable of trusting anyone else for an extended period. It took me 15 years to learn that, when a person is unable to trust ME, I can never really trust HER -- because she can turn on me at any time (and certainly will eventually). This means there is no basis on which to build a friendship because -- as Dreaming explained -- trust is the foundation on which all friendships must be built.

[Emilia]

And it plays back and forth with them throwing out waves of hopefulness and them smashing their little ships across put rocky shoals when they draw too near.

When most likely the truth is more terrifying to us. That person we obsess aboyt and need as a mirror to understand who we at any given moment dpesnt feel that same way about us, even at the best of times. Because they have their identity and their own life. As well, they certainly don't think of us when we split to anywhere near the amount we focus, obsess, leave hang-up calls etc to them.

Actually, the first couple of times we might do because it's so painful when someone drops off the face of the Earth. However, after you had your face smashed into the doorframe a handful of times, you wise to it and start to detach.

It took me 15 years to learn that, when a person is unable to trust ME, I can never really trust HER -- because she can turn on me at any time (and certainly will eventually). This means there is no basis on which to build a friendship because -- as Dreaming explained -- trust is the foundation on which all friendships must be built.

This is gold for anyone

[Mack05]

Until a BPDer learns how to trust herself, she is incapable of trusting anyone else for an extended period. It took me 15 years to learn that, when a person is unable to trust ME, I can never really trust HER -- because she can turn on me at any time (and certainly will eventually). This means there is no basis on which to build a friendship because -- as Dreaming explained -- trust is the foundation on which all friendships must be built.

 

Downtown of the pages and pages of advice we have both wrote about BPD (I use the term Extreme Emotional Instability these days) I think this paragraph right here is all that is needed..Bravo

 

It really is that simple. If there can't be trust, there can't be a relationship. If someone doesn't open up to you, if someone has an automatic mistrust of you how can there be a relationship? There can't..

Edited June 14, 2013 by Mack05

[Mack05]

Because when in active BPD, trying to remain friends with an ex is like smashing your face into a doorframe hoping to come away looking like you had plastic surgery.

 

You hope for a reconnection. BUT we don't really when THEM for who they are because the trust is already snapped with some that left us. But we want them to want us. We want them as an overwhelmingly obvious Plan B. We need something to pin ourselves down to. A mirror to reflect ourselves upon.

 

So we go into friendship with manipulative motives of trying to get our partners to come back and we hover around in a sick-sad hope. Then if they do come back we can even play nice for a bit and then we emotionally skewer them if they get too close because "they left us when we needed them the most."

 

And it plays back and forth with them throwing out waves of hopefulness and them smashing their little ships across put rocky shoals when they draw too near.

 

But we can't see it because we are in so much pain ourselves.

 

Like lonely sirens.

We want the company and lull them in. Then we see an impeding threat and destroy them. There's no winning for an ex of a BPD person.

 

BUT there's no winning for us either. Because we either see ourselves great and not deserving of their second-class treatment or we see ourselves as unlovable and having let someone miserably down, and now they must "hate" us.

 

When most likely the truth is more terrifying to us. That person we obsess aboyt and need as a mirror to understand who we at any given moment dpesnt feel that same way about us, even at the best of times. Because they have their identity and their own life. As well, they certainly don't think of us when we split to anywhere near the amount we focus, obsess, leave hang-up calls etc to them.

 

I love this site because I learn from great posters like you. it forces me to look from other angles. For me it's an ongoing quest for emotional knowledge.

 

What I learnt just there? I left my last two relationships early doors, I was the inital dumper on both occasions. I recognised early both times that something isn't right here. I didn't have the emotional maturity to recognise what that was, but my instincts never failed me (even when I was far from my best).

 

I came back to the relationship both times. I didn't have the courage, inner belief and self esteem to back up my initial judgement on both girls and stay away for good. Inside I created an image in my head of who I wanted them to be and then went on my way to moulding them both, to what this image was in my head. God no wonder they both hate me. That is nothing short of manipilation no matter how you look at it.

 

I always thought they started to disconnect when they realised I was trying to change them (and make them properly look at themselves), when in fact they started to disconnect when I left them the first time..

Edited June 14, 2013 by Mack05

[Emilia]

I always thought they started to disconnect when they realised I was trying to change them, when in fact they started to disconnect when I left them the first time..

Mine became really destructive I think because shortly after we met and slept together a couple of times I left for a month to go to another continent. We constantly kept in touch so I got sucked right in because it was that lovestruck stuff all day every day. Then of course there was some small issue that blew out of proportion and we fell out. When I arrived back in the Uk and we met again 4 weeks later (when he was ready basically) and had mindblowing sex.

 

Lather, rinse, repeat and took over 2 years to scrumble out of it.

[Mack05]

So lessons learnt...

 

Don't breakup unless you are 110% sure and if you make that call stick to it. And when newly dating try avoiding going to new continents for a period of time? Got it :-)

[Emilia]

So lessons learnt...

 

Don't breakup unless you are 110% sure and if you make that call stick to it. And when newly dating try avoiding going to new continents for a period of time? Got it :-)

yes sir!

[Emilia]

Well it would be interesting what the regulars thought of this:

 

My ex has a front line job in the army, I know where he wants to be down the line and he has been progressing towards it steadily over the last few years. It's quite a specialist thing and it's as busy as they come.

 

So last night I texted him just to check that he was still alive basically. He updated me on location and status at 5.30 this morning. It was a very civil text conversation, slightly going towards banter which I extricated myself out of and thanked him for the update.

 

I don't know whether it counts as a codependent move when objectively his job is a very busy one... I just can't imagine remaining ignorant of what he is up to.

 

Is asking for an update on something quite specific every 3-4 months a retarded idea? I wouldn't do it if he did flower arranging for a living.

[Downtown]

Is asking for an update on something quite specific every 3-4 months a retarded idea?

If it is, Emilia, there are two of us with equally foolish behavior. I speak with my oldest step daughter about once a month, at which time I usually ask about her mother's health. My SD knows that, although I have broken off all contact with her mother (my exW), I still love her and wish her the best. I ask about my exW's health because she had breast cancer surgery and radiation about two years ago -- something that is comparable, I imagine, to being on the front lines in a war.

 

As I mentioned earlier, I went NC with my exW when I realized that her inability to trust meant that I can never trust her -- she can turn on me at any time (and certainly would do so again eventually). Yet, if I had no family member to get updates from, I likely would call her directly to find out if she is still alive and well. And, if she dies before me, I likely will go to her funeral if none of her children object. In my mind, I still see the hurt little girl who was sexually abused for years by her own father. And I still love her.