Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Emilia]

Three weeks of NC later, he wrote me this incredibly raw and emotional letter about how he was struggling to understand who he was, that he had ****ed up his life and our relationship (and some past ones too) with drugs and alcohol and he needed to strip everything in his life down so he could figure everything out. He said he wasn't happy just being my friend at all, but that we had to be strong to get through this and he hoped I'd forgive him when he was a better person. So at least if anything, he has become self-aware and even felt the need to tell me about it in an unexpected way that he really didn't have to. It was actually quite uplifting to read it. I cried.

I can certainly relate to this part and this is the reason why I'm still 'involved' with that person rather than turn my back on him like most people that post in the break up section would. This is not to encourage you to go overboard and Downtown can tell you a lot about the downfalls of caretaking as he is the one out of all of us that has been dealing with it for the longest. However, when you see a genuine person struggling and finally starting to understand, it means a lot. That feeling makes me feel better than a thousand compliments would do.

Before I learned what BPD was and that I had it, I would just shut it down. People I didn't like or who were frustrating to me, I was pretty quick to tell them off, though people I have great affection for, I'd be ridiculously understanding and forgiving of things they do... usually the people who've managed to make it through the thick barrier I have around myself. And betrayal is like the ultimate f*ck-up as far as I'm concerned, mostly because I don't even remotely handle it well. I still do all this stuff, but I am way more analytic about my own thoughts and the actions of others than I ever was. Which gives me a whole new realm of things to hamster wheel about, because it is just a whole new bucket of things I have a difficult time understanding. But I guess it's better than just doing all that stuff without even really getting why or trying to stop it.

We all do the bolded part to a degree, it's just the knee-jerk reaction that needs to be taken out of it in your part. Giving people the benefit of the doubt. Most will not go around wanting to hurt you on purpose.

First off, that is exactly the thing I wanted to know when I asked about what I ought to do to keep tabs on my ex while he is dealing with his issues. I know that we have enough affection for each other to make things work, but he has to be in a place where he can meet me halfway. I may be a mess, but at least I know it. My ex said that his inability to face his own complications had made it impossible for him to understand anyone else's, but since going through all this self-analysis, he's become a lot more empathetic to my distance from people and such. Anyway, I suppose I can check in on him every month or so. I wrote him a letter in response to the one he left me, so perhaps I could keep that up on a semi-regular basis.

Well I'm not going to pretend to be in the position to give you advice but be careful please. You know the emotional rollercoaster it can turn into when one person gets caught up in the emotions, especially when the two of you start getting closer again. It's easier to be 'friends' of a kind, have light contact, speak occasionally, keep overwhelming feelings at bay. It's an entirely different ballgame getting involved again emotionally thinking the other person is 'fixed' only for the whole thing to blow up in your face because one of you gets scared and reverts back to the childlike emotional responses. Downtown mentioned the word 'hoovering', have a look at what that means please.

[ToyStoryThree]

I recently became involved with a woman who I think has BPD. We met online, and after a few messages it became very intense, very quickly. She would tell me how she was experiencing butterflies, smiling constantly, how she felt like a teenager again, etc. She would discuss scenarios with me such as us sitting on a sofa in her apartment with her head on my lap, watching TV. Us flying to Tahiti to get married, children's names, calling me "hers", all that. And all this before we had even met. We'd been speaking for a month until we first met.

 

I went along with it and was drawn in because I admit, I liked the attention. Perhaps that was stupid of me, but she came across as incredibly genuine. It felt amazing to have someone THIS interested in me. The conversations then got pretty intimate, moving from discussing cuddles to phone sex. We met last week for the first time, and we ended up sleeping together. She came to my house at 10 o'clock (PM) and yeah - that was that.

 

Now? We don't speak. She has pushed me away completely. Has said that it felt "uncomfortable, heavy, wrong". She has become cold, distant and rather harsh. Accusing me of being needy, telling me I need to take a step back and let things develop, but that we can be friends....? Has said that she didn't guarantee me anything, didn't sign any contract, and she is free to leave. Of course, that is technically correct but....words are a sort of contract, to me. You don't say certain things and then just walk away.

 

Since then I've caught sight of her on FB looking rather happy and cuddling up to random guys...she hasn't bothered to contact me, and I haven't contacted her.

 

I think this could be BPD as usually, it doesn't go like this when someone decides they want to stop seeing you?

 

I do feel hurt, and I am still confused over her final messages to me - I feel as if she might reappear and expect to start again when she is lonely or craving intimacy...or maybe she will just move on to the next victim. It seems as if she has no conscience or guilt over the sudden change in mood.

[ToyStoryThree]

Hello again, Emilia. As you know, nobody knows with a certainty what it is that causes the two fears. As I understand the psychiatric community's current view, they believe that BPDers both crave and fear the intimacy. On another forum, one member (a "Non") described this paradox (of craving what one fears the most) as analogous to the way a vampire must feel about a sunrise: every vampire longs to see one but knows it is death if they do.

 

I would rather say that the BPDer fears the engulfment, not the intimacy itself. As to your question -- i.e., where does that engulfment come from? -- strictly speaking, it is not caused by the intimacy but, rather, by the BPDer's fragile and unstable sense of self. Anyone having such a weak ego has a strong desire to be close to a strong personality who will center and ground her.

 

Yet, as soon as she gets exactly that -- as happens in intimate moments -- her weak sense of self causes her to feel engulfed, controlled, and suffocated. She may even feel like she is evaporating into thin air, losing all sense of identity as she becomes absorbed into the lover's strong personality.

 

She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing at all -- in order to push the man away, giving her breathing room. And, because that argument originates at a subconscious level, she is convinced that the absurd allegation is really the true source of her anger. This, then, is why BPDers tend to create their very WORST fights immediately after the very BEST of times.

 

This could have been written about the woman herself....

[Downtown]

I recently became involved with a woman who I think has BPD. ...she came across as incredibly genuine.

ToyStory, if she has strong BPD traits, she likely was genuine. And, when her feelings changed 180 degrees, she likely was genuine about expressing those feelings as well. A BPDer's problem is not being insincere but, rather, unstable. IME, what happens is that the BPDer's underlying feelings do not change that rapidly. Instead, what changes so quickly is the access that her conscious mind has to those underlying feelings.

 

Because a BPDer is too emotionally immature to tolerate mixed feelings and ambiguities, she allows her conscious mind to be in touch with only one set of feelings (e.g., love or hate) at a time. This is why her feelings can be so genuine and so intense -- while at the same time seeming to be so fleeting. And this is why it is often said that a BPDer's feelings seem to be a mile wide and an inch deep. This, at least, is my understanding.

 

By the way, ToyStory, you provided a wonderful, articulate description of what it's like to fall in love with a BPDer. The experience is so intense, so passionate, and so intoxicating that it can later make a guy feel like he is "settling" when trying to build a relationship with a normal, emotionally mature woman -- where he may have to wait for weeks or months to get to the fireworks display.

[ToyStoryThree]

ToyStory, if she has strong BPD traits, she likely was genuine. And, when her feelings changed 180 degrees, she likely was genuine about expressing those feelings as well. A BPDer's problem is not being insincere but, rather, unstable. IME, what happens is that the BPDer's underlying feelings do not change that rapidly. Instead, what changes so quickly is the access that her conscious mind has to those underlying feelings.

 

Because a BPDer is too emotionally immature to tolerate mixed feelings and ambiguities, she allows her conscious mind to be in touch with only one set of feelings (e.g., love or hate) at a time. This is why her feelings can be so genuine and so intense -- while at the same time seeming to be so fleeting. And this is why it is often said that a BPDer's feelings seem to be a mile wide and an inch deep. This, at least, is my understanding.

 

By the way, ToyStory, you provided a wonderful, articulate description of what it's like to fall in love with a BPDer. The experience is so intense, so passionate, and so intoxicating that it can later make a guy feel like he is "settling" when trying to build a relationship with a normal, emotionally mature woman -- where he may have to wait for weeks or months to get to the fireworks display.

 

Very much so. I am not short of women to talk to if I so desired, but this one really drew me in - so much so, I pretty much abandoned everyone else - friends, family...not intentionally, of course. Thank you for commenting, Downtown, I simply tried to be honest about how it felt.

 

It does seem as if they only have access to one set of emotions at a time, yes. I have never met anyone who has acted in this way. Also, her mother died when she was 21 and she talks about her a lot in the present tense ("I could do with a catch up with mum, today") - I wonder if this has anything to do with it? I don't know much about her upbringing, but I read that it's as if BPDers are 'trapped' at a certain point, emotionally? Perhaps this stems from the loss of her mother, somehow....

 

I would like to reconnect with her, but the more I read about BPD, the more I'm convinced that it isn't really me that she connected with, and more the immediate access to intimacy that I allowed her to have. It's as if she had the full set of intimate moments with me, and now has no need for me.

 

I am not really that upset to be honest - I simply find this subject quite fascinating, as I have never come across it, before.

[Downtown]

It does seem as if they only have access to one set of emotions at a time, yes. I have never met anyone who has acted in this way.

Sure you have. They're all around you, ToyStory. This is the way all young children behave 24/7. Moreover, we "normal" adults behave that way too -- doing the black-white splitting that is so common in BPDers -- whenever we experience very intense feelings (e.g., when very angry or infatuated with someone). When our feelings are intense, our judgment goes out the window and we tend to categorize everyone as "all bad" or "all good."

 

Indeed, by the time we are in high school, we have experienced that "splitting" so many hundreds of times (when angry) that we know we cannot trust our own judgment when our feelings are strong. That's why, when we are very angry, we try to keep our mouths shut and our fingers off the keys until we have a chance to cool down. And that's why, when we are infatuated, we try to wait a year or two before buying the ring.

 

The reality, then, is that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is emotionally healthy. Moreover, we normal adults get temporary flareups of our BPD traits under certain circumstances, e.g., drug abuse, a brain injury, or hormone changes (as during puberty or pregnancy). This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means we all exhibit the traits to some degree. And we normal adults can exhibit very strong BPD traits temporarily.

Also, her mother died when she was 21 ....I read that it's as if BPDers are 'trapped' at a certain point, emotionally? Perhaps this stems from the loss of her mother, somehow.

BPD is believed to be caused partly by heredity and partly by a trauma experienced in early childhood, before age five. A trauma at that young age is especially damaging because it freezes the child's emotional development at the very time she is trying to form an integrated, stable, self identity. It is believed that a BPDer's emotional development typically is frozen at the level of a 3 or 4 year old. BPD therefore is not believed to be caused by a personal loss in adulthood (e.g., mother's death experienced at age 21).

[Emilia]

I am not really that upset to be honest - I simply find this subject quite fascinating, as I have never come across it, before.

It is fascinating. It's a great opportunity to understand your family dynamics (like the grandmother you mentioned to me before) and just generally how your thought process affects your emotions - which is what this is about really. I catch my own negative responses to negative thoughts much easier nowdays. We all do it to an extent.

[ToyStoryThree]

Is it common for BPDs to be slightly...selfish?

 

As in - talk about the fact that you didn't think about them, how they might be feeling, only seeing your own hurt but not mentioning the fact that their own actions might be what has hurt you?

 

We're not going to talk anymore, her and I. I was blamed for pushing my emotions onto her, while she went to bed in tears every night... I hardly spoke to her, and I had no knowledge of the crying or how she was feeling, as she didn't tell me how she felt.

[ToyStoryThree]

Toystory slightly selfish!? More like incredibily selfish, especially when the honeymoon period is over and their attempts to woooooooooo you are over. My signature describes my last ex(s). Your ex too. "People are like stained-glass windows, They sparkle when the sun is out but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within". Yes these women are beautiful. Yes they sparkle when everything is proceeding the way they want it to. Its what happens when things begin to fall apart where lies the problem. For them its usually NEXT. Followed by the exact same patterns with the new guy as there were with you -> Will My Emotionally Abusive Girlfriend or Wife Be Different With the New Guy? | A Shrink for Men

 

Everything is black and white with them. Its calling splitting. You are either all good or all bad. They are never at fault and even if they somehow acknowledge bad behaviour (and this is VERY rare) it is "All your fault" or "you made me do it"..There is no accountability for their behaviours and if you ask 'why' to that question you are really opening Pandora's box and Downtown/Emilia needs to take over :-)

 

You can't win bro. Trust me on that..Whats crazy is the hours you spend trying to figure out something that your mind/heart were never designed to figure out. Downtown, Emilia could give me the best answers on the planet but it would still be followed by another question and more deliberating/obsessing about her. I couldn't stop myself. That's when I released I am as emotionally unhealthy as she is..

 

Detangling is a nightmare, but once you get there you are armed with enough info to really make your next relationship work better and this has been a MASSIVE positive to me. I haven't it all figured out, but I have a thirst for knowledge now. I read relationship communication books and I have just ordered a book called Womens Infidently by Michelle Langley which will apartly explain why women never just tell you what they want...Can't wait to know that!

 

My relationship may not work out but I will do my best to make she is happy emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially. Once you get your $h!t together you can continue to learn and grow. If you fail at anything don't let it be down to lack of effort and trying..

 

Ok I am rambling. Just happy today

 

This post is so on point, I can't believe it. The last conversation we had, she basically just sat there listing everything I was doing "wrong" - never mind the fact that what she had done was what caused my pain! Ugh. I have spent hours thinking about what I did wrong, could I have said or did this differently, blah blah blah. She asked for space, and I left her alone for four days, after which I said hey, you ok - that wasn't good enough for her. Apparently if I'd have left it, we would have gone back to normal. What?!

 

She refuses to acknowledge anything she has done wrong - all of a sudden she's the victim and I'm the predator. She even accused me of emotional blackmail, at one point - simply because I had said that I liked her, and would miss her. She told me I was saying that to try and change her mind...rrriiiiight. I can't wait until I forget about her, she is crazy.

[Emilia]

This post is so on point, I can't believe it. The last conversation we had, she basically just sat there listing everything I was doing "wrong" - never mind the fact that what she had done was what caused my pain! Ugh. I have spent hours thinking about what I did wrong, could I have said or did this differently, blah blah blah. She asked for space, and I left her alone for four days, after which I said hey, you ok - that wasn't good enough for her. Apparently if I'd have left it, we would have gone back to normal. What?!

 

She refuses to acknowledge anything she has done wrong - all of a sudden she's the victim and I'm the predator. She even accused me of emotional blackmail, at one point - simply because I had said that I liked her, and would miss her. She told me I was saying that to try and change her mind...rrriiiiight. I can't wait until I forget about her, she is crazy.

This is the saddest part. She will never trust you unfortunately.

[orionboxing]

I’m going to run through a few things that happened in my marriage. I always wonder if she was BPD or just an awful person.

 

 

1. I head to Chicago two weeks before we are to get married for guys only weekend . I leave my phone at my friend’s apartment for the day because it’s not working properly. My phone starts working and I text her Sunday as I’m about to leave to head back to Michigan. When I return, she rips me apart and yells “You need to communicate with because WE’RE GETTING MARRRIED!”

 

2. We just bought a brand new home. Was out mowing the lawn and basically the entire neighborhood came up to greet me while I was working. My wife was inside cleaning the house. When I went inside and told her that I had met most of the neighborhood a few moments ago, she flipped out and started yelling “why didn’t you come in and get me!!”

 

 

3. An old classmate I admired succumbs to cancer. Her response was “he should have taken better care of himself”.

 

 

4. On Christmas vacation we stayed night at her parent’s house. Her brother and his soon to be wife were also staying there. They decided to drive over to a different town for the afternoon without telling anyone. My wife flips out and starts crying and her mother in law begs for the brother to come back so that they can spend time with us. They turn around and when they return, she’s happy.

 

 

5. Sex life dead after our honeymoon. Would partially shudder when I’d lean in to kiss her cheek.

 

 

6. Threw a fit then gave me silent treatment on the way home after a concert because she didn’t like the music.

 

 

7. Cried and hugged me when I moved out of our house post separation. Treats me a like a cold stranger two weeks later at the bank to split our checking account.

 

 

8. Begins a serious relationship with a co-worker 3 months after our divorce is finalized.

 

 

She also told me a story about how she broke up with a guy but they had booked a vacation together in Turks and Caicos earlier in the relationship. 2 months later, after they had broken up, they go on the vacation together anyways and she sleeps with him. But dumps him when they return.

 

 

Thoughts? Is the BPD behavior? What could this be if not?

[orionboxing]

Toystory slightly selfish!? More like incredibily selfish, especially when the honeymoon period is over and their attempts to woooooooooo you are over.

 

Will My Emotionally Abusive Girlfriend or Wife Be Different With the New Guy? | A Shrink for Men

 

 

That article really sums it up for me. My ex did all of those things.

[jonsnuh]

Hi, this was a write-up that I had from another thread that explained my situation. I seriously need help and want to permanently get better because it would not be just for my sake, but for the well-being of everyone I encounter in life from hereafter. I don't want to go back to the behaviours that I had before-- I love my family, friends and my future LT relationships too much to see everyone in pain and suffering

 

Is it possible to reconcile with my ex who I may have hurt to the point of a break-up? I get the feeling that my ex has and is doing everything she can to stay away from me, and that every advice for a victim of someone with NPD/BPD should never consider that person with that PD to change or get better. I felt hopeless when I read that people will never believe you again and will move away. She said that I hurt her so much that she could not recover, not in my presence.

 

This came to a realization to myself (although I will have to check in with my therapist to confirm my fears) that I *could* be a NPD/BPD. I am on my 4-5th week of NC in a relationship of 6 years with a girl that distanced herself and broke up with me since then. (me 24/her 25)

 

The break-up was terrible. In retrospect, I was so emotionally distraught with how and when she ended and confused. At the time I was already working with the counselor in understanding myself and stabilizing my emotions, and coping with lowered self-confidence.

 

She told me not to contact her or her friends again. I felt the need to constantly send emails with nasty comments attacking her due to the emotional confusion in trying to find out "WHY?". She called the cops and I've been warned to not contact her again.

------------------------------

 

I cannot help but feel that I lost my chance with this person, who I really think could have been "the One", and the sad reality is that she has completely moved on. Maybe the reason why I showed these signs of NPD/BPD was due to the fact that I put her on a pedestal-- that I was afraid of losing someone like her and that I was really lucky to be with her.

 

It was also never full blown NPD/BPD. I feel I really did experience true love, and the reasons I invested into the relationship was out of love. Even up to the end of the relationship, I still love and have feelings for her.

 

I wished we had actually sat down and had her point out that I had these signs instead of just the vague: "We're not compatible" excuse so I could actually work it out, or that we could have both worked it out with some counseling, or to amicably end the relationship.

 

I genuinely feel remorse not just how the breakup was handled, and also how I treated her with her parents, friends and family members. If there's any feeling I'm experiencing right now, it's the feeling of guilt and sadness that I might never be in a healthy relationship without hurting someone.

 

I haven't looked for a rebound relationship because I feel it would hurt the other person if I were to use them just to get over this. It would also make things complicated, and not something I need since I've realized that I have my career that I've neglected. I'm just so confused.

[ToyStoryThree]

Back just to vent a bit, I guess.

 

She's changed her number, now... apparently, I was harassing her. I hardly think a message every other four or five days was harassing anyone. I wasn't sat outside her house brandishing an AK47, or anything. Told me that if I was to contact her again, she would "take it further" - wow, just wow. Seriously? It's amazing how her issues have disappeared and now it's all my fault. I'm a crazy stalker, now?

 

Is this BPD? Is this typical? I have no idea. Sure it's been a while now - I don't have feelings or anything but I was just shocked that someone would go to such lengths, changing her number?! Every one of my friends thinks she's being totally irrational.

 

My God. What an absolute nightmare. That 'splitting' thing that was mentioned in this thread is on point. One minute you're the best thing ever, the next you're a poison that has to be removed from their life.

[Downtown]

Is this BPD? Is this typical? ....That 'splitting' thing that was mentioned in this thread is on point. One minute you're the best thing ever, the next you're a poison that has to be removed from their life.

Yes, ToyStory, that's the way splitting works. Within a few seconds, a BPDer can flip to splitting you black. You can be perceived to be Hitler incarnate and she will treat you accordingly. Be thankful that, unlike my exW, she has not had you arrested on a bogus charge yet.

 

It takes nearly three days to get out of jail if, like me, you are arrested early on a Saturday morning because it will be late Monday before you can go before a judge in arraignment. I therefore suggest you always have some witnesses along when you have to deal with her -- and try to avoid seeing her on a Saturday, LOL.

[ToyStoryThree]

Yes, ToyStory, that's the way splitting works. Within a few seconds, a BPDer can flip to splitting you black. You can be perceived to be Hitler incarnate and she will treat you accordingly. Be thankful that, unlike my exW, she has not had you arrested on a bogus charge yet.

 

It takes nearly three days to get out of jail if, like me, you are arrested early on a Saturday morning because it will be late Monday before you can go before a judge in arraignment. I therefore suggest you always have some witnesses along when you have to deal with her -- and try to avoid seeing her on a Saturday, LOL.

 

No way. Are you sure it's not the same woman? Lol. She actually had you arrested? Wow.

[Downtown]

ToyStory, for an excellent description of what splitting feels like from the BPDer's perspective, I suggest you see Harmony's description of it above at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/380507-calling-all-those-bpd-22.html#post5038749.

 

As to the false arrest, I've not seen any statistics on it but having the spouse arrested is very common for BPDers at the end of the relationship. Absent years of therapy to strengthen their fragile egos, BPDers typically spend a lifetime convinced they are "The Victim." To the extent they have any stable sense of self at all, it is that false self image of always being "The Victim."

 

Hence, in the same way that a narcissist is always seeking validation of his false self image of being perfect, a BPDer is frequently seeking validation of her victim status. Well, having your own spouse arrested -- and having your friends or children witness the arrest and sit through the trial -- is the gold standard for proof of victimhood.

 

Indeed, it is the equivalent of having a certificate hanging on your wall attesting to your having earned a Harvard PhD in victimhood. And, if that were not motivation enough, a BPDer is especially motivated to have her/his spouse arrested when there are young children involved so as to position themselves for the custody battle.

 

On top of that, such a false arrest will ensure that the BPDer is able to live in your home for 18 months, the time it usually takes to finalize a divorce in most states. Once you've been thrown in jail, the police will hand out R/Os like candy for the asking -- even before you've had time to go before the judge in arraignment. Hence, by the time you are released two or three days later, you will be prohibited from returning to your own home.

[M30USA]

What about when it's the BPDer who gets arrested?

[Downtown]

What about when it's the BPDer who gets arrested?

That's simple. It's still YOUR fault, of course. Police got it wrong.

[M30USA]

That's simple. It's still YOUR fault, of course. Police got it wrong.

 

Oh yea, thanks for the correction.

[Emilia]

Just bumping up the thread in case anyone needs info/support.

[ScreamingTrees]

Been living with someone with BPD for all of my life.. This person is one of the greater mental strains on my life.. I love this person, but they are insanely difficult to live with.. I'll leave it at that. meh..

[Emilia]

Been living with someone with BPD for all of my life.. This person is one of the greater mental strains on my life.. I love this person, but they are insanely difficult to live with.. I'll leave it at that. meh..

My sympathies. I have the luxury of bi-monthly contact only and just for a few days but I still need a few hours to recover from that. If I carried that person everywhere with me, it would be extremely difficult.

[M30USA]

My sympathies. I have the luxury of bi-monthly contact only and just for a few days but I still need a few hours to recover from that. If I carried that person everywhere with me, it would be extremely difficult.

 

That's unfortunate and I'm sorry to hear. I was married 5 years to a woman with BPD and it was a struggle daily. The best analogy I can give of what it's like to be the spouse of someone with BPD is that you are the scapegoat. I believe the term scapegoat originated from tribes who used to transfer all their evils and sins onto a goat by laying hands on it, then they'd literally drive it away outside the tribal village into the wilderness to symbolically keep their evils from staying inside them or their village. Such an exact allegory for the BP/non-BP relationship. BPDers are notorious for literally driving away their goats...err, I mean spouses.

Edited August 27, 2013 by M30USA

[Porridge]

Hi guys - very appropriate thread for me.

 

Wife has BPD and has struggled throughout our entire relationship. She's a compulsive liar, obtains credit fraudulently, steals, makes up illnesses, and spends most of her life looking to cover her tracks.

 

A few months ago she got a job as a carer for an old disabled lady. We hoped it would be good for her, although it turned out anything but.

 

About a month into the job, her personality became more withdrawn. For me, I was at a point where I didn't have the energy to keep trying to resolve the issues, and knew that we were heading for the exit. About a month after that, the ex announced that she no longer had feelings and needed to get out of the relationship. She also promptly resigned from her job as a carer. At this point I should say that we have two children.

 

The wife left the home shortly after. Then about two weeks later I received court papers. She'd applied for an injunction against me for harrassing her, even though this was entirely untrue. I attended court and defended it - the hearing is due in about ten days time.

 

A few days after this, the husband of the carer came to my door and asked to speak to the wife. I explained that she'd left the home. He then proceeded to explain that she had lead them on a merry-go-round for several weeks. She had told them:

 

- I was beating her and had fractured her wrist, meaning she could not work

- I had an affair, kicked her out, and moved the new woman in with the kids

- She couldn't speak to them because in a bitter rage, i'd smashed her phone up

- I'd refused her access to the children

- She was living in bedsits whilst also paying rent on the marital home

- I had being arrested and was awaiting sentencing for domestic violence

- She also couldn't work because our son was in hospital with suspected meningitis

- My grandmother had died and this caused her great grief

 

Not one of these things was true. It went further though, she had approached these people in emotional hysteria to explain that legal fees and rent had got on top of her, and she stood to lose her children if she could not pay her debts. In pity, they lent her the equivalent of $1,500 to sort herself out, with a view to taking a small decution from her salary until it was cleared.

 

The wife took the money and ran. It got worse though - they then found that their jewellery box had been emptied and it had contained items of significant sentimental value. They called the police, who took my wife to the station for questioning. She quickly broke down under the interrogation and admitted that she had stolen it all and sold it.

 

In total, it was estimated that the jewellery and loans added to her getting around $6,000 before she resigned and ran away (obviously because she knew it was only a matter of time before the jewellery box was spotted).

 

Everything has recently started to make sense - the strange behaviour, the sudden need to leave, the injunction, it was all a defensive strategy to escape the situatino and not have to answer herself.

 

I am absolutely disgusted by the things she has said about me. It's like she has no moral compass or consideration for the damage her lies cause. Even worse though was the claim of our son having meningitis - I really struggled to understand how anyone could say that about their own child.

 

In very predictable fashion, as soon as she moved she sought a new relationship. Within a week she had one boy there who I found out was sleeping over and was only 19 years old. The wife is 34 and was clearly using his naivety to feed her fantasies. Soon after this I received a personal message on Facebook from a newly created account telling me that I was a coward for hitting women and that I was going to be 'visited'. At this point I told the police because her lies could potentially cause a danger to my safety. They haven't done much about it yet though.

 

Now she has a new man (within a month of leaving) and he is her absolute world. It's all very BPD, the escape, the hero waiting to catch her etc. Years ago this would have destroyed me - just how can somebody such as your wife so easily detach her feelings and just run to someone else without the slightest issue? Personally, I need a good year alone to learn about myself and discover my identity and freedom again.

 

But it doesn't emotionally hurt me anymore. That's how i know it's done - i'm become immune to this extreme behaviour and know that wherever she goes, she'll always self destruct.

 

Current intentions? Well two predominantly. First is get my children sorted as i'm worried about them for several reasons. My son is autistic but expressly wants to live with me, so i'm investigating what i can do about that. No doubt it'll be a fight as wife would hate to lose the disability benefits she receives.

 

And also of course, to successfully defend myself in court! The fact that she has now been arrested and charged with the thefts, and the employers are acting as witnesses for me, should put me in a good position.

 

Just my final comment on BPD - with the wife we came to realise that a sort of 'pattern' emerged whereby she would completely fall off the wagon in cycles of around three years. They could last anything from 4 - 12 months but then she would find a bit of composure and be better for a while. Not normal by any means, but functioning sensibly to a point.

 

Does anyone else notice that their BPD contact has a cyclical behaviour pattern? We also think that the wife is getting worse and this doesn't bode well for the future. I say wife - the sooner the divorce is started the better.

 

I'm rambling but one other thing - if you spend years and years supporting a BPD with reason and intentions to helping them, be prepared for the fact that it will not change them. No matter how engrossed in them you are right now (and these relationships can be addictive) there WILL come a point where your brain just signs off and reaches a point where you've had enough. So much as I always sympathised with my wife's condition, the recent lies and allegations against me have caused great contempt and as a result (like a beaten animal), I am now quite intolerant to anybody with BPD tendencies. A shame I know as BPD's don't choose to be who they are, but I guess i'm now a long term victim of this and I have no intention of engaging with such persons ever again.