Borderline Personality Disorder?

[RavenWolf]

Hi guys - very appropriate thread for me.

 

Wife has BPD and has struggled throughout our entire relationship. She's a compulsive liar, obtains credit fraudulently, steals, makes up illnesses, and spends most of her life looking to cover her tracks.

 

A few months ago she got a job as a carer for an old disabled lady. We hoped it would be good for her, although it turned out anything but.

 

About a month into the job, her personality became more withdrawn. For me, I was at a point where I didn't have the energy to keep trying to resolve the issues, and knew that we were heading for the exit. About a month after that, the ex announced that she no longer had feelings and needed to get out of the relationship. She also promptly resigned from her job as a carer. At this point I should say that we have two children.

 

The wife left the home shortly after. Then about two weeks later I received court papers. She'd applied for an injunction against me for harrassing her, even though this was entirely untrue. I attended court and defended it - the hearing is due in about ten days time.

 

A few days after this, the husband of the carer came to my door and asked to speak to the wife. I explained that she'd left the home. He then proceeded to explain that she had lead them on a merry-go-round for several weeks. She had told them:

 

- I was beating her and had fractured her wrist, meaning she could not work

- I had an affair, kicked her out, and moved the new woman in with the kids

- She couldn't speak to them because in a bitter rage, i'd smashed her phone up

- I'd refused her access to the children

- She was living in bedsits whilst also paying rent on the marital home

- I had being arrested and was awaiting sentencing for domestic violence

- She also couldn't work because our son was in hospital with suspected meningitis

- My grandmother had died and this caused her great grief

 

Not one of these things was true. It went further though, she had approached these people in emotional hysteria to explain that legal fees and rent had got on top of her, and she stood to lose her children if she could not pay her debts. In pity, they lent her the equivalent of $1,500 to sort herself out, with a view to taking a small decution from her salary until it was cleared.

 

The wife took the money and ran. It got worse though - they then found that their jewellery box had been emptied and it had contained items of significant sentimental value. They called the police, who took my wife to the station for questioning. She quickly broke down under the interrogation and admitted that she had stolen it all and sold it.

 

In total, it was estimated that the jewellery and loans added to her getting around $6,000 before she resigned and ran away (obviously because she knew it was only a matter of time before the jewellery box was spotted).

 

Everything has recently started to make sense - the strange behaviour, the sudden need to leave, the injunction, it was all a defensive strategy to escape the situatino and not have to answer herself.

 

I am absolutely disgusted by the things she has said about me. It's like she has no moral compass or consideration for the damage her lies cause. Even worse though was the claim of our son having meningitis - I really struggled to understand how anyone could say that about their own child.

 

In very predictable fashion, as soon as she moved she sought a new relationship. Within a week she had one boy there who I found out was sleeping over and was only 19 years old. The wife is 34 and was clearly using his naivety to feed her fantasies. Soon after this I received a personal message on Facebook from a newly created account telling me that I was a coward for hitting women and that I was going to be 'visited'. At this point I told the police because her lies could potentially cause a danger to my safety. They haven't done much about it yet though.

 

Now she has a new man (within a month of leaving) and he is her absolute world. It's all very BPD, the escape, the hero waiting to catch her etc. Years ago this would have destroyed me - just how can somebody such as your wife so easily detach her feelings and just run to someone else without the slightest issue? Personally, I need a good year alone to learn about myself and discover my identity and freedom again.

 

But it doesn't emotionally hurt me anymore. That's how i know it's done - i'm become immune to this extreme behaviour and know that wherever she goes, she'll always self destruct.

 

Current intentions? Well two predominantly. First is get my children sorted as i'm worried about them for several reasons. My son is autistic but expressly wants to live with me, so i'm investigating what i can do about that. No doubt it'll be a fight as wife would hate to lose the disability benefits she receives.

 

And also of course, to successfully defend myself in court! The fact that she has now been arrested and charged with the thefts, and the employers are acting as witnesses for me, should put me in a good position.

 

Just my final comment on BPD - with the wife we came to realise that a sort of 'pattern' emerged whereby she would completely fall off the wagon in cycles of around three years. They could last anything from 4 - 12 months but then she would find a bit of composure and be better for a while. Not normal by any means, but functioning sensibly to a point.

 

Does anyone else notice that their BPD contact has a cyclical behaviour pattern? We also think that the wife is getting worse and this doesn't bode well for the future. I say wife - the sooner the divorce is started the better.

 

I'm rambling but one other thing - if you spend years and years supporting a BPD with reason and intentions to helping them, be prepared for the fact that it will not change them. No matter how engrossed in them you are right now (and these relationships can be addictive) there WILL come a point where your brain just signs off and reaches a point where you've had enough. So much as I always sympathised with my wife's condition, the recent lies and allegations against me have caused great contempt and as a result (like a beaten animal), I am now quite intolerant to anybody with BPD tendencies. A shame I know as BPD's don't choose to be who they are, but I guess i'm now a long term victim of this and I have no intention of engaging with such persons ever again.

 

I am so sorry this all happened.

Edited August 29, 2013 by RavenWolf

[Emilia]

I'm rambling but one other thing - if you spend years and years supporting a BPD with reason and intentions to helping them, be prepared for the fact that it will not change them. No matter how engrossed in them you are right now (and these relationships can be addictive) there WILL come a point where your brain just signs off and reaches a point where you've had enough. So much as I always sympathised with my wife's condition, the recent lies and allegations against me have caused great contempt and as a result (like a beaten animal), I am now quite intolerant to anybody with BPD tendencies. A shame I know as BPD's don't choose to be who they are, but I guess i'm now a long term victim of this and I have no intention of engaging with such persons ever again.

It has been a learning process for you and it's never easy BUT you have come through the other side and you will not be with anyone that has BPD ever again. That's a great thing, well done! It's a hard thing to deal with.

[Porridge]

I am so sorry this all happened.

 

Thank you Raven. Of course, it is a very turbulent time and I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but I remain positive and upbeat:

 

1. I'm out of an abusive relationship. Yes, I may have to watch my back considering the lies, but i'm seekiing legal advice on this to see if I can put an end to it.

 

2. We all become stronger for our experiences. Though not an enjoyable time, I will become a wiser person for it and can take that froward in life.

 

3. I can now provide a stable environment and be a good role model for my children, without the manipulation and childish antics of the ex. I don't want them to grow up with her values.

 

If people are interested, i'm happy to update as things go along.

[Emilia]

If people are interested, i'm happy to update as things go along.

Of course, this is what this thread is for.

[M30USA]

Thank you Raven. Of course, it is a very turbulent time and I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but I remain positive and upbeat:

 

1. I'm out of an abusive relationship. Yes, I may have to watch my back considering the lies, but i'm seekiing legal advice on this to see if I can put an end to it.

 

2. We all become stronger for our experiences. Though not an enjoyable time, I will become a wiser person for it and can take that froward in life.

 

3. I can now provide a stable environment and be a good role model for my children, without the manipulation and childish antics of the ex. I don't want them to grow up with her values.

 

If people are interested, i'm happy to update as things go along.

 

What is the custody arrangement in your case?

[Porridge]

What is the custody arrangement in your case?

 

Shared custody at the moment. The children stay with me on alternate weekends and on top of that, I try to make sure I see them at least every 3 - 4 days - sometimes overnight again.

 

I don't know how the law differs in the US but here, there is still that legal presumption that a child belongs with it's mother (even though they may deny this). Remember, a BPD is the master of acting - if I were to go blazing in now, she'd immediately put on 'doting mother' act and you'd have something similar to Mary Poppins.

 

I'm playing this one patiently and carefully so that it doesn't end up a fruitless exercise. The children start school again next week and I know they have concerns of the wife. Once I tell them about the recent happenings, i'm hoping that they'll also express a concern and start launching their own enquiries. The school's support will be massive as they are closely involved with my son's needs and development.

 

The way I see, she won't win. As we said, she'll self combust anyway as it's in her nature. But if she refuses to let him leave as per his wishes, then he'll just end up resenting her. Same for daughter once she realises the cloud of manipulation and deceit that she lives under.

[yessy21]

I haven't been diagnosed but im most certain that I am.

 

when I went to therapy.... I actually fooled my therapist into thinking that I didn't have any problems.

 

I call it my defense mode. only this forum knows how bipolar I really am. SOrry guys!

[Emilia]

I call it my defense mode. only this forum knows how bipolar I really am. SOrry guys!

Hi Yessy, this thread is about Borderline Personality Disorder, not related to bipolar.

[M30USA]

Shared custody at the moment. The children stay with me on alternate weekends and on top of that, I try to make sure I see them at least every 3 - 4 days - sometimes overnight again.

 

I don't know how the law differs in the US but here, there is still that legal presumption that a child belongs with it's mother (even though they may deny this). Remember, a BPD is the master of acting - if I were to go blazing in now, she'd immediately put on 'doting mother' act and you'd have something similar to Mary Poppins.

 

I'm playing this one patiently and carefully so that it doesn't end up a fruitless exercise. The children start school again next week and I know they have concerns of the wife. Once I tell them about the recent happenings, i'm hoping that they'll also express a concern and start launching their own enquiries. The school's support will be massive as they are closely involved with my son's needs and development.

 

The way I see, she won't win. As we said, she'll self combust anyway as it's in her nature. But if she refuses to let him leave as per his wishes, then he'll just end up resenting her. Same for daughter once she realises the cloud of manipulation and deceit that she lives under.

 

Don't be too confident that you'll win primary custody. BPDers are miracle workers in family court when it comes to getting their way and hiding who they are. I lost primary to my BPD ex. This was mostly because she was a stay at home mom for several years prior to divorce, plus she has oodles of family close to her while I have zero.

[M30USA]

Porridge, sorry to hear about the rap sheet of false accusations against you. This is the hardest thing to understand for those who have no experience dealing with a BPDer. They can't comprehend the idea of complete fabrication. Most people know the mantra that there's "two sides to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle"--but this is only true with 2 normal, functioning individuals. An outside witness will hear the BPDers story, then your story, and assume the truth is right in the middle. This caused me so much grief because people thought I did things that were completely fabricated with not even 1% truth.

[yessy21]

Hi Yessy, this thread is about Borderline Personality Disorder, not related to bipolar.

 

 

Sorry... must have understood wrong... BPD and Bipolar Disorder seems so close in abb.

 

Thanks for the heads up.

[Porridge]

Porridge, sorry to hear about the rap sheet of false accusations against you. This is the hardest thing to understand for those who have no experience dealing with a BPDer. They can't comprehend the idea of complete fabrication. Most people know the mantra that there's "two sides to every story and the truth is somewhere in the middle"--but this is only true with 2 normal, functioning individuals. An outside witness will hear the BPDers story, then your story, and assume the truth is right in the middle. This caused me so much grief because people thought I did things that were completely fabricated with not even 1% truth.

 

100% correct on this. The only thing I will say is that she daren't raise the accusations to people in our social circle as she knows it'll cause further questioning. her targets for the severe fantasy are always online - people who know no better and will believe what she says.

 

In our own circles and as with most BPD sufferers, she struggles to maintain relationships and it only becomes a matter of time before inconsistencies of all types emerge. A few know of the allegations made against me but not one person believes it. I'm thankful of that.

 

Sorry to hear you've also gone through the same. I've tried asking myself many times why someone would resort to such despicable behaviour but all I hear back is that they are self-serving and not considering the damage they do.

 

I guess that's the same as why she steals from people - again, an impulsive nature with no consideration for others.

 

Then it all leads on to the ultimate question - was our nine years (though we did temporarily split in the middle) just one big farce? Did she really ever love me, or are people only there to fill voids in the BPD's mind?

 

I guess that question is still debated now but whatever your thoughts, their complete lack of empathy and understanding is an awful thing.

 

M3OUSA - be glad that you now have the opportunity of a normal life. It will all come toether for you one day. The most ironic thing for the BPD is their tendency to run away from situations they they themselves cause. Unfortunately, they can never run from the one constant that beats them - their own mind.

[M30USA]

100% correct on this. The only thing I will say is that she daren't raise the accusations to people in our social circle as she knows it'll cause further questioning. her targets for the severe fantasy are always online - people who know no better and will believe what she says.

 

In our own circles and as with most BPD sufferers, she struggles to maintain relationships and it only becomes a matter of time before inconsistencies of all types emerge. A few know of the allegations made against me but not one person believes it. I'm thankful of that.

 

Sorry to hear you've also gone through the same. I've tried asking myself many times why someone would resort to such despicable behaviour but all I hear back is that they are self-serving and not considering the damage they do.

 

I guess that's the same as why she steals from people - again, an impulsive nature with no consideration for others.

 

Then it all leads on to the ultimate question - was our nine years (though we did temporarily split in the middle) just one big farce? Did she really ever love me, or are people only there to fill voids in the BPD's mind?

 

I guess that question is still debated now but whatever your thoughts, their complete lack of empathy and understanding is an awful thing.

 

M3OUSA - be glad that you now have the opportunity of a normal life. It will all come toether for you one day. The most ironic thing for the BPD is their tendency to run away from situations they they themselves cause. Unfortunately, they can never run from the one constant that beats them - their own mind.

 

I have made peace with the fact that, while I will always love her, we cannot be married. She is aware that I still love her. But she knows I'm done for good.

[Emilia]

Bumping up thread to keep it on page 1 in case anyone needs info.

[todreaminblue]

i am schizo affective with clinical depression.....

 

 

it is better for you to walk away than stay and deal with something you cant handle, that you know what you cant handle is also a very positive affirmation......

 

 

i know it is hard on any partner to deal with someone who has mental illness it isnt for everyone.....just like i am not suitable for many......I have a pretty firm support network....which would extend to anyone i am with.....

 

i would not want to be with someone who found me a burden i would rather they walk away and have a happy life ...than resent me.......

 

just read something lol...i probably shouldnt have because i am a biiiit depressed....... but ill say it anyway.....i really have to fight hard some days to make it.......and then i read this

 

 

The average life expectancy of people with the disorder is shorter than those without it,

 

 

how can i possibly expect anyone to accept that.....i dont even accept it, depresses the crap out of me......i have huge dreams........i want turn into reality..i dont want them to be pies in the sky and not have enough time to do them......you never know though.......maybe one day even for me..ill be a schizo affective who doesnt fit the profile.....whatever happens happens i guess

 

 

 

 

what you have decided as far as not dating someone with mental illness and admitting you cant handle it...is honest and right...you dont plan on messing with anyone nor do you want to be messed with....that is respectful behavior to yourself and to others............good luck I hope that you find what you are looking for...going for a walk to my pier soon watch the ripples for a while adn dream some more...best wishes to you.......deb.......

 

.

[salparadise]

Thank you Raven. Of course, it is a very turbulent time and I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but I remain positive and upbeat:

 

1. I'm out of an abusive relationship. Yes, I may have to watch my back considering the lies, but i'm seekiing legal advice on this to see if I can put an end to it.

 

2. We all become stronger for our experiences. Though not an enjoyable time, I will become a wiser person for it and can take that froward in life.

 

3. I can now provide a stable environment and be a good role model for my children, without the manipulation and childish antics of the ex. I don't want them to grow up with her values.

 

If people are interested, i'm happy to update as things go along.

 

You seem to have a great attitude and perspective, and you understand that this was an abusive relationship. I hope you also understand that being in such a relationship does a great deal of damage. Are you seeing a therapist to help you understand the extent and recover from your injuries? Even if you are functioning well, I think it would be beneficial. I have been divorced from someone with BPD traits, relatively high functioning and not professionally diagnosed. My situation was mild compared to yours but I am still working on healing more than three years later. I didn't even realize the extent and effect of the abuse until I was out of the relationship. Taking care of yourself is paramount at this point, both for you and your children. I wish you the best in your recovery.

[Quiet Storm]

My BPD sister lives with my parents. She can never hold a job for long, but she had managed to keep an office job for about a month. When she wanted a couple of days off of work, she told them that our mother died. Her employer sent sympathy flowers to their house. My mom answered the door and was delivered flowers for her own death.

 

This is just one of the hundreds of stories I could tell. She is on the serious end of the spectrum. She was raped as a child, began cutting as a preteen, bulimic, alcoholic, suicide threats & attempts, in patient hospitalizations. It s sad but very draining for those of us that love her.

[Emilia]

It s sad but very draining for those of us that love her.

My deepest sympathies. I don't know how I would deal with having my sister being hurt this much.

 

My ex is a highly functioning one, I might see him this weekend in his garrison town because weekends are very quiet at his army base and he doesn't deal with being on his own very well. After his holiday he is broke so for him to come up to London or go anywhere else for weekends isn't an option until payday.

 

Apart from his constant desire to have people around him and his fleeting moods, his dysfunction is only noticeable in very close relationships. On a looser, friendly basis it's manageable to a degree, he has worked out to maintain a grey area with people I think where he is in control of his emotions. When he starts losing that control he just goes quiet and I let him.

[Emilia]

Bumping the thread in case anyone needs the info.

[Emilia]

Bumping the thread in case anyone needs the info.

__________________________

[maiden555]

I KNOW he's not healthy. I know it will drain my spirit and bring me down to be dealing with him for the rest of my life. I know...that it's a good thing that it's over this time. But I am so worried that I will never feel that high again from anyone else. We broke up the first time and I missed, CRAVED that passion. Even while I was in a happy new relationship.

 

Am I ruined for having any kind of stable happiness? He's the only one, over the years, who's stopped me from feeling empty and cold. I worry that it will be even worse now having known his warmth.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

If you have BPD, or know someone with BPD, I'd love to get a discussion started on here about it.

 

I was diagnosed less than 2 years ago. This was tough because I'm in my 30's and always knew something was up, but didn't have a word for it until now.

 

Do any of you struggle with abandonment? Rejection?

 

Also, do you any of you constantly worry about things and then think, think and over-think them to the point where you are exhausted?

 

Do you think things through SO MUCH that they become a reality in your mind even if they really aren't?

 

I have Borderline personality disorder, Avoidant personality disorder, and the lazy kind of ADD.

 

I've had major issues with abandonment and rejection. Self-image. I worry about things and can't stop thinking about them.

 

The avoidant and the ADD keep me daydreaming most of the time and it's almost impossible to control which thoughts I get.

 

I've been on medications for half my life now.

 

I think about things and get paranoid but people usually talk about me behind my back because I'm so odd.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

This is why it's very difficult to separate my feelings/emotions from actually being able to see things as they are. Depending on a persons specific areas of difficulty (I.e, anger issues, abandonment, impulsivity control), it can truly manifest itself in so many ways. Example: I cannot seem to keep a long term bf because of my trust/abandonment issues. No matter what he tells me I ALWAYS question his intentions. Is he cheating? Who is he really with when he says he's out with coworkers? Does he really love me? He's going to leave me! It's a prison inside my head much of the time. But like I said, my professional life is fine because it's more objective than personalized if that makes sense. Oh and I'm really good at giving friends advice or opinions on things because it doesn't directly affect me and therefore not left up for personal struggle/debate.

 

Yes, the prison in my own mind. It's like I'm held captive by my emotions. I feel threatened by every little thing and will totally screw up a relationship because I cannot stop thinking about all the bad things that could be happening that I don't know about. I can usually give people good advice if I'm not involved in the situation. I'm a critical thinker and can see the bad in almost everything I look at. It's like my skill.

[Downtown]

I KNOW he's not healthy. I am so worried that I will never feel that high again from anyone else.

Maiden, welcome back to the LS forum. Glad to see you posting again. Are you suspecting your Ex has strong traits of AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder)? I ask because, after reading your threads, I don't see you describing many BPD traits for him. Perhaps you are aware of many BPD behaviors that he exhibits but which do not appear in your threads. In any event, you do describe the typical AvPD symptoms, e.g., strong fear of rejection. By the way, if you decide to start a new thread, I would be glad to participate in it. Again, welcome back.

[Emilia]

Am I ruined for having any kind of stable happiness? He's the only one, over the years, who's stopped me from feeling empty and cold. I worry that it will be even worse now having known his warmth.

Hello Maiden.

 

I don't believe you are but you need to be open to new experiences and not seek out broken men.