Artie Lang Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 (edited) wow, really? he's having an affair with you- his wifes friend and co-worker. how does that not make him a scumbag? err, i should say you're his concubine. this fog sh*t is amazing. The running joke amongst friends and family is that I'm his second wife. i wonder if these same people would find it as amusing if they new the truth. sick sick sick. Edited August 9, 2012 by Artie Lang 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Howcouldyou26 Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 End it. Before you get your heart broken...trust me on this one. You dont want to be the OW thats been sitting around waiting for the MM for 10 months and a day, cause at some point, its gonna be 2 years and your gonna be sitting in a pool of your tears screaming "why didnt I stop it when he didnt mean this much to me??" Its fun, excited and dangerous being the OW. Not gonna lie.. and your completely smitten with him and think hes your "soul mate" but if he thought the same he would have left his wife by now. Your soul mate is someone that can be with you and put you first.. right now, your second, any way that you look at it. Im sorry, I know im being harsh and mean but I dont want anyone else to feel the pain that im still feeling. Miss.Misunderstood has a wonderful point. You can come here for help is one but knowing that your in that phase of "Excitement" I know how you feel at one time I was just like you...Here I'am three years later..and guess who can't decide to leave the M..he also has two young kids and feels obligated to stay and yet..he has left me at the curb...You can't be friends to her..and you may never feel guilty..I actually talked to his W in a friendly way a couple of years back but I was only doing it to find out information. That is when my guilt hit me...I tried to break it up with him at least 10 different times..I gave him dates..I gave up but I always went back...The final straw for me was seeing that our A fell apart in a matter of the last few months out of these three years..Just seeing that he got more depressed because he always missed his kids he went as far as moving out but not fully he lived with other family members...I tried to work my life around him to show him what I was capable of I even met his children...I'm telling you to run...I wasted my time..my life..and my heart on someone who is just going to stay Married...You are going to end up with severe trust issues like myself..and vary rarely do these things work out....If you want to test the nature of the relationship as long as it has been going ask him what he expects...don't assume...but also ask yourself what you want with it...You don't deserve 2nd...You're in for a bumpy ride..please take the advice..and figure yourself out..or distance it from the man and see what he wants from you.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 You will get to the point where you'll feel you can't take it anymore and would rather be done with him, because the hurt will be too intense. You are not there yet. You can try and accelerate it by seeing how much you can last with no contact with him right now. Is the friendship with his W important to you in any way? That's such a huge betrayal, that is she will find out, there will be more friendship and I can also guarantee you will be forever out of that circle. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 (edited) Is the friendship with his W important to you in any way? That's such a huge betrayal this is the ULTIMATE betrayal-- friends don't do this! your whole lives are gonna be flushed down the toilet, being that you all travel within the same social circle- work together even. the OW usually bears the brunt of the malevolence. you're gonna be branded a social pariah. you seriously f*cked up. i'm not saying this to be mean.....i'm saying it because it's true. Edited August 9, 2012 by Artie Lang 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Ducky23 Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 I have been having an affair with a MM for about 10 months. While I know this is a difficult situation to begin with, my situation is even stickier because my MM happens to be married to my friend and co-worker. My MM and I are good friends and have always flirted with each other, but I always took it as an innocent flirtation. However, things changed almost a year ago when the text messages became even more flirtatious. We finally moved from flirtatious texts to real physical contact on his birthday...right before we met up with his family. Ever since then, we get together every chance we get. The thing is, I spend an enormous amount of time with his family because we're such good friends. The running joke amongst friends and family is that I'm his second wife. He says he doesn't feel guilty one bit. I know I should probably feel guilty, but I don't either and maybe it's because I feel like we're soul mates. It's hard for me to bring up serious discussions with him, mostly because I'm scared of what his response might be, not because he doesn't welcome them. I just needed to let this out and wanted to talk to someone who might be in a similar situation. Birdgirl.. The part of your post that stands out most to me are "his wife is my friend" and "it's a running joke that I'm his other wife". Tell you what.. That's me. I started an A with a friend. And when I met his wife, I then had to pretend to be her "friend". It was a running joke that I was her "girlfriend" when it came to things like holidays, birthdays, ect. And that I was "their" girlfriend with all their friends, his family, ect. I became kind of an extension to their M. I lived with them part time and he and I spent every possible second together. Sure, I dealt with jealousy. Especially when I was trying to fall asleep on the couch of "our" little one bedroom apartment, away from my kids and my own bed.. And he had to go sleep with her. I never got the lies from him. He never told me they quit having sex. Or that he didn't care about her. I never once believed he ever lied to me. I still don't think he lied. Ever. I was too intimately involved in their daily life. They don't have children. But they have a messload of debt. Because she didn't work for a very long time. I despise that woman as a person. Sometimes I felt guilt, but really I think most of it was my own selfish anger that he would not leave until their finances were in order and she was self-sufficient. My "last straw"? I'm impatient by nature. I'm selfish in relationships and need to be taken care of. He was moving too slowly. And I had(have) a man at home who did everything I needed already. He gave me all of his time, he had(has) nothing to hide, and he took care of me and my children. I chose the man who loved me the most. You are not open to other dating possibilities. I loathed my sons dad for requesting things like sex, time, love.. All of my attention was on xMM. I lived with this man, (we were not, are not in a relationship), shared a bed with him, had sex with him, occasionally told him I loved him.. And had a million excuses not to be with him. He did everything for me, woke up and made coffee in the morning before waking me, brought me breakfast in bed when time allowed, brought home jewelry and roses and cards, always told me he loved me, was always faithful... You name it. And I couldn't care less. Because he wasn't xMM. You wanted to hear from someone who had been/was where you are. That's me. NC was the hardest thing for a while. Now I don't think about him too awful much. Because the reality was, in the end, I wasn't willing to keep it up. I don't like sharing my men. I want to know that I'm the only one. You'll neve have that in an A. Give it up and watch it unfold. If you're meant to be together, you'll be together. But do it right. If he loves you, if he wants to be with you, he will move mountains to make it happen. Otherwise, you're wasting your time in a dead-end relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Birdgirl, what is it you want? You say you find the affair exciting and don't feel guilty, but you also suggest you want him to leave his W and be with you? Have you thought through the latter at all, trying to imagine his W completely out of the picture? Obviously when one is with a MM, one is with a man who can lie to and betray his W. But it is only a small category of MM who cheat with friends of their W and who can go from having sex with the OW one hour to spending time with their W and OW together the next, acting like everyone is good friends. It is even a tinier category who can do all that and not feel guilt. Is that the kind of man you would like to be with, to possibly try to spend your life with? Maybe, since you don't feel guilt either, you can't see what others might see clearly about this man, and maybe you are even compatible in that way. What I see is a lack of empathy and compassion, which may not be hurting yourself as you may not be aware of what you miss in compassionate, empathetic human connections, but it makes it more likely your actions will hurt others. If you have any inkling that you would prefer to make different choices, would prefer to be able to care more about a friend, then I would recommend therapy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Bailey14 Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 He's not a scumbag. I won't make excuses for his decisions, but I wouldn't call him that. Not all men who have affairs are scumbags. Many of them have tried every way they know how to have their emotional and physical needs met and have given up after many years of trying. And, yes, I know divorce is always an option but, I cannot bring myself to hate this man who can't just walk away from his wife and kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 this is the ULTIMATE betrayal-- friends don't do this! I know what a betrayal this is and I know I seriously f*cked up. I want to make things right or better and I'm trying to figure out how to go about that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 Give it up and watch it unfold. If you're meant to be together, you'll be together. But do it right. If he loves you, if he wants to be with you, he will move mountains to make it happen. Otherwise, you're wasting your time in a dead-end relationship. You're right. I agree. The NC is going to be hard and I'm afraid I won't be strong enough. Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 You need to decide what it is you want - a fling - full on affair - or relationship and ask him if he can give this to you If his answer is no then you have your answer distance yourself from them and take time to heal work on your own marriage (I forget if u are m or not) If he answer is yes ask him how he will achieve this? What is YOUR time limit? Don't give him years of your life if he wants to be with you he will be with oh people don't generally stay where they don't want to be Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Not all men who have affairs are scumbags. Many of them have tried every way they know how to have their emotional and physical needs met and have given up after many years of trying. And, yes, I know divorce is always an option but, I cannot bring myself to hate this man who can't just walk away from his wife and kids. Bailey, many a MM counts on that as a way to make you sympathetic and staying in the number two spot indefinitely. They seem not to choose APs who would be aghast of a MM having sex with someone other than their spouse. BG, try to imagine a future with this man who will ALWAYS have to interact with his wife because they share a child....forever! No riding off alone into the sunset. You and he will forever have to interact with a woman, and family, and child that will most likely hate your guts...forever. Is this what you want? Is this how you envision your future with your soulmate? Because reality will intrude on all this special loving feelings you two share....and it won't be pretty. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ducky23 Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 You're right. I agree. The NC is going to be hard and I'm afraid I won't be strong enough. Birdgirl, when I first came to LS, I wasn't looking to leave xMM. I came here looking for the same thing you are. A reason, and the support to stay strong enough to stick it out, grin and bear it. I had one foot out the door and I wasn't sure about it. Even after finding LS and reading the stories, going NC was really hard. I was lucky enough that he respected my decision and has only contacted me once, a month ago. I posted like crazy here, it felt like my world was shattered, and I didn't know what to do. We had to make up a story so W wouldn't find out about the A. I was always more his friend than hers, so when her and I stopped talking it wasn't much of a surprise. But, make sure you know what you're thinking BEFORE you decide to go NC. If you're serious about it, make sure you have a plan in place for those times when you're feeling weak. Here at LS we have a huge family of people to help you through those long nights, the minutes that last for hours.. We actually care about what's best for you. And we're all here to help you make it happen. But don't try and bulls**t us if NC isn't what you want. We have a few members here who are happy in their As and offer support to both sides. Staying with your AP won't make you the most hated person around. You'll make the decision that's best for you. And we'll help you through it. But having been in your shoes, I urge you to go NC. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillwater Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Do you fear that he'll cheat on you? I have this belief that if MM left his wife for me, I could keep him happy. It seems to me that I have the advantage of seeing both sides of their marriage and all the ways she makes him unhappy since I spend so much time with both of them. He rarely brings her up in conversation and I never say anything bad about her to him. This is very dangerous thinking. Don't you want someone who loves you for you, rather than just for how you make him feel? What happens if you get put on a real stressful project at work and you can't give him the attention he needs? Is he going to bail? You can't keep someone happy 24/7, and if that's what it takes for him to stick around, it's not very promising. Happiness has to come from within. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss.Misunderstood Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 You're right. I agree. The NC is going to be hard and I'm afraid I won't be strong enough. You ARE strong enough! And we are here for you! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 (edited) the only "out" i see is you slowly removing yourself from these people's lives- fade away. because when it does come to light, you're gonna be the scapegoat. look for another job, make new friends, and stay away from these people. these are the consequences of your actions. be mature enough to do what's right, even if it means you lose these things. "you play, you pay." that's the way i see it. Edited August 9, 2012 by Artie Lang Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 The thing is, I spend an enormous amount of time with his family because we're such good friends. The running joke amongst friends and family is that I'm his second wife. He says he doesn't feel guilty one bit. I know I should probably feel guilty, but I don't either and maybe it's because I feel like we're soul mates. I think you do feel guilty. Maybe not in the moment but you do at times. One of the best ways to back away and do NC is to think of his children. Think of the pain you will cause them. Always think of the kids first. Their minds won't be able to understand how someone they see in there home that they know and trust would hurt them. Start there. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leelou Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 You don't feel any guilt because you have not yet been caught, exposed, and shamed. When you and he are caught, you will still not feel guilty.. when you get exposed you will feel shame and then guilt. And it's a horrible feeling. And you will lose everything you hold dear right now - you will lose your MM, you will lose your best friend, you will lose your friends, and you will lose your job. This is too high a price to pay for that adrenalin rush. Don't you think? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leelou Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Are you also married? Have any children? How old are you and MM? How old is his son? Link to post Share on other sites
Leelou Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 I know what a betrayal this is and I know I seriously f*cked up. I want to make things right or better and I'm trying to figure out how to go about that... Well, do you first want to extend your mess up so that it gets maximum damage? Or do you wish to 'make things right or better' NOW before the crap hits the fan? The only way for you to make things right or better is to break the affair off, asap. The longer you delay it the more opportunities you open yourself up to being exposed and found out. You got away with it up til now, isn't that enough?! Why wait for the inevitable train crash on the tracks? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 Are you also married? Have any children? How old are you and MM? How old is his son? I'm not married and my MM and I are both in our early 30s. His son is just a few years old. I've started NC and I'm feeling so anxious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 You ARE strong enough! And we are here for you! THANK YOU for the support!! Link to post Share on other sites
Leelou Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 I'm not married and my MM and I are both in our early 30s. His son is just a few years old. I've started NC and I'm feeling so anxious. You have taken a step in the right direction, good for you! I know how difficult this is - I too, have only just recently started NC. I bought an online book on NC from Baggage Reclaim. It is really helpful. I think when the kids are so young, it is best to break up with a MM and walk away, since the kids stand to lose their family if you continue with the A. As painful as you think things are now, always remember that the pain will be Worse, if your friend finds out - which is why it's best to end it now, instead of later. Just to encourage you to continue as best as you can. You can do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Capris Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Dear Birdgirl 25, While reading your thread i was sad, as it reminds me, like others, of my own situation, i am relieved though that you decided NC!! GO FOR IT girl!!! Its the best decision you have made in your life!!TRUST me!!! Me and my ex-thankgod-MM were both young and i also had no children nor have been married before. Its the WORST situation to be in. You end up usually alone and alot older. Mine was 6 years. I WISH i had my "break-through" earlier and dumped him. Consider yourself lucky. BTW, do not pass the personality disorder lightly, mine turned out to be a sociopath. BEST WISHES and stay strong!!! <3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 Dear Birdgirl 25, While reading your thread i was sad, as it reminds me, like others, of my own situation, i am relieved though that you decided NC!! GO FOR IT girl!!! Its the best decision you have made in your life!!TRUST me!!! BEST WISHES and stay strong!!! <3 Today is their 5 yr anniversary. My MM texted me first thing this morning and it was just like when we used to be just friends... It's so hard because I just want to be with him. I feel like such a whiner to say that my heart hurts. I'm usually so much stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
Happyface Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 What kind of family would joke about their son having an A? I would be inclined to question their morals if they see all this as a joke. Where may I ask is his poor unfortunate wife while all this merriment is taking place with his family? You sound like a very cruel, shady bunch to me. Happyface 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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