mercy Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 I do try to keep my distance - I minimize the time I spend with both of them or just her. I'm not currently in a relationship. I have dated a few guys since our A started, but nothing serious. I just don't think it's fair to get involved with someone when I'm having an affair. I have never cheated on anybody I've been in a romantic relationship with, believe it or not. There is someone who is interested in taking things further with me, but I told him we could only be friends. He's a good guy and it would suck for me to get involved with him and let him believe he's the only one. That's just not me. But isn't that what the man you are with is doing to his wife? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 well said, mercy. at least you're not bringing another innocent victim into the mix. how can you justify not inflicting pain on a possible suitor, yet have no ill feelings about betraying your "friend?" it seems this guy(OM) is a "cake-eater." he has two women at his beck and call... he's in hog heaven, right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 i just can't believe that out of ALL the single men out there, no one can compare to this OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 But isn't that what the man you are with is doing to his wife? But I'm not in a romantic relationship with her. I didn't marry her and promise to be faithful... I'm speaking about MY romantic relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 i just can't believe that out of ALL the single men out there, no one can compare to this OM. I love him. What else can I say to explain why I'm involved with him in this way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 well said, mercy. at least you're not bringing another innocent victim into the mix. how can you justify not inflicting pain on a possible suitor, yet have no ill feelings about betraying your "friend?" it seems this guy(OM) is a "cake-eater." he has two women at his beck and call... he's in hog heaven, right now. Again, I'm not going to get into it about her. To me, it's not right to bring someone else into this situation. Yes, I agree, my MM is having his cake and I'm aware I'm letting him. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 but what is it about him, because right now it just seems that you're "in love" simply because he's unavailable- the "forbidden fruit" factor. i doubt you instantly fell in love with him right upon meeting him. Again, I'm not going to get into it about her. but this is the reason you're using to justify betraying her, though. you might not want to "bring it" here on the forum, but the fact remains you're using her shortcomings as a wife/friend/lover/partner to remain in this affair. am i wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 You pound your chest about being faithful and yet you fall for a person that is not faithful. Do you see the disconnect? I think this merits some reflection, birdgirl. You aspire to certain values and yet encourage and enable the man you love to violate those values. Perhaps your values will shift (have been shifting?) to meet his, or you'll have to deal with the fallout that comes from not respecting one's values. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 But I'm not in a romantic relationship with her. I didn't marry her and promise to be faithful... I'm speaking about MY romantic relationships. Yet you're posing as her "friend". Friendship includes a tacit agreement of loyalty & trust. And being faithful. You're presenting yourself as a friend to her, you DO owe her honesty, & loyalty. Those are the basic foundations of friendship. I'm going to ask the obvious question: How would YOU feel , if you found out that a female friend who you trusted, had been sleeping with YOUR guy, behind YOUR back? Please take some time to really, really think about it--Stand in those shoes for a few moments. Do you have any idea at how devastating a double betrayal can be to someone? There's a potential for completely decimating a person's capacity for trust, permanently. Which can ensure that they never feel safely of securely loved again. That's the potential fallout. You could destroy this woman. I've known women who've been through the double betrayal--years later, they're still unable to trust female friendship. And for what???? For the record, I've been reading here for years now, most veteran OW I've encountered would never cross the line of going after a friend's H. Even they see it as unthinkable. If you're determined to remain in an affair with her H, well that's your choice. But the least you could , is stop leading HER on, with an offer of phony friendship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 but what is it about him, because right now it just seems that you're "in love" simply because he's unavailable- the "forbidden fruit" factor. i doubt you instantly fell in love with him right upon meeting him. but this is the reason you're using to justify betraying her, though. you might not want to "bring it" here on the forum, but the fact remains you're using her shortcomings as a wife/friend/lover/partner to remain in this affair. am i wrong? I think the forbidden fruit factor only applies to the excitement an A can bring. I love him for many reasons: the way he makes me feel loved, the way he makes me laugh, his friendship, etc., etc. It's not like an ordinary guy I would start dating with the intent of forming a romantic relationship. We started as friends first and I think that's what makes our connection stronger. HE is the reason I stay in the affair. Her shortcomings are mostly likely what contributed to his involvement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 You pound your chest about being faithful and yet you fall for a person that is not faithful. Do you see the disconnect? So what if I have been faithful in every relationship I've been in? That doesn't mean I can't fall for someone who isn't. It's not like he's some serial cheater. Yes, this not the way I would have ever intended for us to get into a relationship, but sometimes that's just how things happen. It just is... Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 I think the forbidden fruit factor only applies to the excitement an A can bring. I love him for many reasons: the way he makes me feel loved, the way he makes me laugh, his friendship, etc., etc. It's not like an ordinary guy I would start dating with the intent of forming a romantic relationship. We started as friends first and I think that's what makes our connection stronger. HE is the reason I stay in the affair. Her shortcomings are mostly likely what contributed to his involvement. Usually the shortcomings of the WS are much more important in the WS' decision to have an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 I think this merits some reflection, birdgirl. You aspire to certain values and yet encourage and enable the man you love to violate those values. Perhaps your values will shift (have been shifting?) to meet his, or you'll have to deal with the fallout that comes from not respecting one's values. I don't aspire to any certain values, they're just inherent. I can only speak to my actions as an individual. I am responsible for me and no one else. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 So what if I have been faithful in every relationship I've been in? That doesn't mean I can't fall for someone who isn't. It's not like he's some serial cheater. Yes, this not the way I would have ever intended for us to get into a relationship, but sometimes that's just how things happen. It just is... I am always struck by the passivity of those involved in affairs, as if they have no control over their own life. You can choose whom to become intimate with, how to behave. You don't have to disengage yourself and let important actions and connections just "happen" or just be. Become the driver of your own life and embrace your own choices. You miss out on too much of the great things life has to offer if you take such a passive role in your own life. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 I don't aspire to any certain values, they're just inherent. I can only speak to my actions as an individual. I am responsible for me and no one else. Yes, but deception and lies are part of your life now in a very important way. No point in ignoring that fact, as it is affecting you whether you realize it or not. Might as well be aware and have some control over the impact. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 If you've known him for so long, you are having an affair for almost a year, and you are soulmates, it will work best for you to not drag it out. If you want this guy to be with you, you need to stop being afraid of rejection and ask. Continuing keeping things as they are will just keep things as they are, and when she finds out about it he'll throw you under the bus to save his marriage and you'll come running crying that it's not fair that your life is affected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 Yet you're posing as her "friend". For the record, I've been reading here for years now, most veteran OW I've encountered would never cross the line of going after a friend's H. Even they see it as unthinkable. If you're determined to remain in an affair with her H, well that's your choice. But the least you could , is stop leading HER on, with an offer of phony friendship. As I stated in an earlier post, I have been trying to distance myself from her, I just won't be able to cut her out of my life completely. So, a friend's H is worse than another woman's H? I didn't realize there were different shades of "sins." I'll be sure to look into that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 I am always struck by the passivity of those involved in affairs, as if they have no control over their own life. You can choose whom to become intimate with, how to behave. You don't have to disengage yourself and let important actions and connections just "happen" or just be. Become the driver of your own life and embrace your own choices. You miss out on too much of the great things life has to offer if you take such a passive role in your own life. I have never once not taken responsibility for my choice. I let things between he and I cross the line, because BOTH of us wanted to. I realize the selfishness of our actions. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 As I stated in an earlier post, I have been trying to distance myself from her, I just won't be able to cut her out of my life completely. So, a friend's H is worse than another woman's H? I didn't realize there were different shades of "sins." I'll be sure to look into that. Well, I could explain it again-- if you can answer the question I italicized in my previous post: How would YOU feel , if you found out that a female friend who you trusted, had been sleeping with YOUR guy, behind YOUR back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 Yes, but deception and lies are part of your life now in a very important way. No point in ignoring that fact, as it is affecting you whether you realize it or not. Might as well be aware and have some control over the impact. Yes, and again, this is why I haven't gotten involved with anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 (edited) As I stated in an earlier post, I have been trying to distance myself from her, I just won't be able to cut her out of my life completely. So, a friend's H is worse than another woman's H? I didn't realize there were different shades of "sins." I'll be sure to look into that. Would you have a secret affair with your sister's H. Imagine one day you have a daughter, would you have an affair with your son-in-law? Most people have some boundaries, even those who get involved in affairs. They cross certain people off their "romantic potential" list, they don't even go there. They may be fine with being in an affair in general, but would not betray their sibling, their child, their friend, in some cases, not their co-worker, neighbour. Different people have different boundaries, perhaps related to how connected they are or their capacity for empathy. On the other hand, a few do have affairs with their sister's husband, with their daughter's husband, with their best friend forever's husband. I think the fewer boundaries one has as far as honoring one's connections to people, the more there is for the individual to figure out about themselves and the more likely they are to hurt others (and themselves). BS's refer to an affair involving their spouse and someone they trusted (as a friend or relative) as a double betrayal and I expect it typically destroys their trust and faith in people even more. Edited August 13, 2012 by woinlove 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 Well, I could explain it again-- if you can answer the question I italicized in my previous post: How would YOU feel , if you found out that a female friend who you trusted, had been sleeping with YOUR guy, behind YOUR back? It would be horrible. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. I know the consequences of my actions and how they would affect certain people. So why continue? Because I love him and carry the hope that he'll leave her. I know the statistical unlikelihood of this happening, as most people are quick to point out, but that's the honest truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 I guess you are naive. BTW, why did you date other men while you are in this affair? I find that quite odd. I don't quite get that one. How does your MM feel about you dating other men? Dates only, nothing physical. He's clearly not happy about it, but what can he say? He's married. Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted August 13, 2012 Share Posted August 13, 2012 (edited) 10 characters Edited August 13, 2012 by mercy not going to bother Link to post Share on other sites
Author Birdgirl25 Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 Would you have a secret affair with your sister's H. Imagine one day you have a daughter, would you have an affair with your son-in-law? Most people have some boundaries, even those who get involved in affairs. They cross certain people off their "romantic potential" list, they don't even go there. So I guess friend's husbands are not crossed off my "romantic potential" list, but family members definitely are. Excuse the sarcasm, but this is the first and only affair I have knowingly been in. It just happens to be with a friend and I realize how that makes the situation messier. I'm not a serial cheater and I do not seek out men who are taken by any means. Link to post Share on other sites
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