What are the most typical lies MM tell?

[Adamgem]

The most common lie in my own experience and from reading stories here is the MM minimizing and/or misrepresenting the R with his W, whether that is saying they do not have sex when they do, like roommates, that they are separated, planning to separate, planning to divorce, the M is dead, etc.

 

I wonder if he is doing this. When I question him why he must see the children at their house he tells me they are not sleeping together yet..... they are pretending everything is ok in front of the kids. This is what she wants by the sounds of it.

 

I am very happy when we are together but when I know he is spending time with his ex - I want to vomit. I want to remove myself from this situation bu it is almost impossible at the moment. He will not let me go easily.

[amaysngrace]

I do not find that helpful. Would it not make sense that I got involved in the first place because I was lacking in self esteem? How would walking away help my lack of self esteem?

 

I will be on the street and jobless when I leave him. That is not going to do my self esteem much good.

 

Ugh that's too bad then because it's no wonder why your self-esteem suffers. You're a dependent.

 

And as long as you are he can treat you anyway he'd like and tell you any lies he wants because he knows you aren't going anywhere.

 

Why aren't you able to stand on your own two feet? Are you crippled or something?

[jwi71]

I wonder if he is doing this. When I question him why he must see the children at their house he tells me they are not sleeping together yet..... they are pretending everything is ok in front of the kids. This is what she wants by the sounds of it.

 

This makes zero sense to me.

Why can't he have the kids over again...because they are pretending that everything is ok? For the kids?

So...at what age is it ok to let the kids know mommy and daddy are not together? And WHO makes that decision?

 

I am very happy when we are together but when I know he is spending time with his ex - I want to vomit. I want to remove myself from this situation bu it is almost impossible at the moment. He will not let me go easily.

 

Correction. You will not let go easily.

He isn't forcing you to remain with him. You are.

 

If you aren't happy with the situation, change it.

What can you DO to create change?

[Adamgem]

Ugh that's too bad then because it's no wonder why your self-esteem suffers. You're a dependent.

 

And as long as you are he can treat you anyway he'd like and tell you any lies he wants because he knows you aren't going anywhere.

 

Why aren't you able to stand on your own two feet? Are you crippled or something?

 

No I am not crippled. We got a place together and I continued paying my rent on my place (and still do) but I have only a very small studio and one of my friends needed somewhere to stay as she was escaping an abusive situation. I would not try to move back in as she would probably have a break down.

 

I do have enough money from my job to find another place but if I do that I will have to be very clever about it. He does not allow people to leave him easily. I have seen what he can be like.

 

He will try to stop me from working in this profession as he has done to others in the past.

 

I have a sneaking suspicion that I am dealing with a psychopath...

[woinlove]

I wonder if he is doing this. When I question him why he must see the children at their house he tells me they are not sleeping together yet..... they are pretending everything is ok in front of the kids. This is what she wants by the sounds of it.

 

I am very happy when we are together but when I know he is spending time with his ex - I want to vomit. I want to remove myself from this situation bu it is almost impossible at the moment. He will not let me go easily.

 

I can see why you want to vomit. He is living with you and yet spending some nights at his marital home. Again, that is not a typical situation. The idea that he is spending nights there under circumstances where his children think everything is fine with their parents as a married couple is even weirder. If a man can go along with such a charade with his own children, I think you are right to worry about just how honest and authentic this man is.

 

You can't very well set boundaries if you don't have any alternative and it sounds like you need him living with you for financial reasons. However, maybe you should start making a serious plan that would allow you to be free and independent of him and once you see that possibility, then you could simply discuss what you need in order for the R to continue. For example, no overnights with his W, divorce papers by X, or whatever it is you need to be happy and secure. At the moment, it seems to me if you discussed any of that with him, he can simply ignore your needs and desires and you still feel stuck living with him, hanging on to what you can get.

 

ETA. Just saw your latest post and it sounds like you could be independent if you chose. Maybe you need to figure out what you need to feel secure and happy and have those serious discussions, knowing that you can and will walk if you cannot get your needs met.

Edited August 9, 2012 by woinlove

[Adamgem]

This makes zero sense to me.

Why can't he have the kids over again...because they are pretending that everything is ok? For the kids?

So...at what age is it ok to let the kids know mommy and daddy are not together? And WHO makes that decision?

 

 

 

Correction. You will not let go easily.

He isn't forcing you to remain with him. You are.

 

If you aren't happy with the situation, change it.

What can you DO to create change?

 

 

Thank you for validating my feelings. It makes zero sense to me too. The weird thing is that it is his partner that is insisting on this. I have listened to her on the phone and some friends have also listened to her go on about this.

 

I am happy that I am not the only person that finds this situation silly.

[Lizzie60]

He doesn't have sex at home.. LOL

Trust me.. this is the no. 1 lie.

[jwi71]

Thank you for validating my feelings. It makes zero sense to me too. The weird thing is that it is his partner that is insisting on this. I have listened to her on the phone and some friends have also listened to her go on about this.

 

I am happy that I am not the only person that finds this situation silly.

 

Why can't you three simply sit down and hammer this out?

It is CLEARLY your business.

 

So here's an action for you.

 

Setup a dinner/meeting where you, the xGF and your BF can all sit down and navigate this. Then talk it out. Get the answers, decisions and timelines.

 

Because my BS detector is ringing.

(So is yours.)

[Owl]

He doesn't have sex at home.. LOL

Trust me.. this is the no. 1 lie.

 

Wow...welcome back Lizzie! Long time no see!

 

And I'd agree with you...that sure seems to be the most common lie there is, followed closely by "we're seperated" or "we're divorcing"...sure doesn't seem like the BS knows that in most of the stories we've seen.

[amaysngrace]

No I am not crippled. We got a place together and I continued paying my rent on my place (and still do) but I have only a very small studio and one of my friends needed somewhere to stay as she was escaping an abusive situation. I would not try to move back in as she would probably have a break down.

 

I do have enough money from my job to find another place but if I do that I will have to be very clever about it. He does not allow people to leave him easily. I have seen what he can be like.

 

He will try to stop me from working in this profession as he has done to others in the past.

 

I have a sneaking suspicion that I am dealing with a psychopath...

 

Maybe he does have some type of mental illness. But that should not stop you from moving forward instead of being stuck.

 

It seems to me that you're afraid to say good bye to him and living in fear is brutal. It can leave you paralyzed and victimized.

 

When you face fear you gain courage. When you have courage you feel good about yourself. This leads to healthy self esteem.

 

If I were you I'd figure a way out of this mess you are in. It may take some time to make it come to life but I would definitely move in that direction.

 

And yes, be sneaky about it and don't clue him in. Especially since you suspect that he is mentally unstable and, from what you've described, a control freak.

 

You don't need to be in this situation as much as you need to be out of it.

 

Then you will start to feel better about yourself.

[jwi71]

He doesn't have sex at home.. LOL

Trust me.. this is the no. 1 lie.

 

Lizzie!!

 

Long time, no see (your avatars anyway)

 

You have to start an update thread...

[Lizzie60]

Owl... still here.. still married?

Yes I've started an update thread.

[whichwayisup]

He doesn't have sex at home.. LOL

Trust me.. this is the no. 1 lie.

 

WB Lizzie. Hope you're doing well.

 

I agree, number one lie..Yet many OW don't believe this.

[Owl]

Owl... still here.. still married?

Yes I've started an update thread.

 

I'll reply on your update thread, so as not to T/J this one.

[Adamgem]

Why can't you three simply sit down and hammer this out?

It is CLEARLY your business.

 

So here's an action for you.

 

Setup a dinner/meeting where you, the xGF and your BF can all sit down and navigate this. Then talk it out. Get the answers, decisions and timelines.

 

Because my BS detector is ringing.

(So is yours.)

 

At first ex partner wanted to have a sit down as did he. She came to meet up with him and he wanted me to come along but I thought it was best to wait at that time.

 

My feeling was right. She was crying through out most of their meeting and was calling me names and trying to get him to come back.

 

After all the threats she made towards me I am not sure if I feel so positive towards her anymore. I did nothing to her to deserve that...

 

I will wait until later today to see what the outcome of todays meeting was before I decide what to do next....

[Owl]

At first ex partner wanted to have a sit down as did he. She came to meet up with him and he wanted me to come along but I thought it was best to wait at that time.

 

My feeling was right. She was crying through out most of their meeting and was calling me names and trying to get him to come back.

 

After all the threats she made towards me I am not sure if I feel so positive towards her anymore. I did nothing to her to deserve that...

I will wait until later today to see what the outcome of todays meeting was before I decide what to do next....

 

I don't recall your backstory...but if you were involved with him while she was still "with him"...clearly you can understand why she might feel this way towards you?

 

Now...if I'm mistaken and they truly were "over" before you met him...then I'd tend to agree with you that how they ended wasn't in any way on you, and that you may not have deserved her anger.

[whichwayisup]

I did nothing to her to deserve that...

 

If you two started off as an affair while he was still married, then yes, she can feel anyway she wants towards you. Put yourself in her shoes..If your H was cheating on you, I highly doubt you'd be thrilled with the person who slept with your husband.

 

But, like Owl, I can't remember past details of your situation, so if they were legally separated (with intent towards divorce) then that's different.

[Adamgem]

Yes they were seperated and her reaction recenly is quite a surprise. She seeemed fine with the seperation until she knew he had found someone else.

 

She now seems to be doing everything she can to get him back and to split us up.....

 

Her insisting on him staying there in the family house looks like another ploy.... but he does't seem to think there is anything wrong with this.

 

That makes me angry.

[whichwayisup]

Is he doing anything to encourage her or give her hope that the two of them are going to get back together one day? He has had a change of heart, but just hasn't told you he's having second thoughts about officially divorcing her?

 

Fact that he isn't defending you, standing up for you TO her, says a lot.. If he plans on divorcing her and you're going to be his future wife, he has to set up boundries with her that she cannot cross. It doesn't sound like he's done this at all..

[Owl]

Yes they were seperated and her reaction recenly is quite a surprise. She seeemed fine with the seperation until she knew he had found someone else.

 

She now seems to be doing everything she can to get him back and to split us up.....

 

Her insisting on him staying there in the family house looks like another ploy.... but he does't seem to think there is anything wrong with this.

 

That makes me angry.

 

Sounds like they were seperated, but not agreed to divorce or date others perhaps?

 

If he doesn't see anything wrong with him staying at HER home, showering with her, etc...that should be some tremendous big red flags for you.

[whichwayisup]

Yes they were seperated and her reaction recenly is quite a surprise. She seeemed fine with the seperation until she knew he had found someone else.

 

She now seems to be doing everything she can to get him back and to split us up.....

 

Her insisting on him staying there in the family house looks like another ploy.... but he does't seem to think there is anything wrong with this.

 

That makes me angry.

 

So do you see what 'hope' he is giving her, what his actions are telling her because he is spending time in their marital home together as a family unit?

 

If you two split up, it won't be all on her, it's not like she has a gun to his head..He is a grown man and can make his own decisions..She cannot force him to go back to her. If he is willing and wanting it too, it'll happen.. Hope you see this, so don't put ALL of the blame on her. He IS doing something to make her have some hope. You need to talk to him more than talk to her to find out what is going on.

[Adamgem]

Is he doing anything to encourage her or give her hope that the two of them are going to get back together one day? He has had a change of heart, but just hasn't told you he's having second thoughts about officially divorcing her?

 

Fact that he isn't defending you, standing up for you TO her, says a lot.. If he plans on divorcing her and you're going to be his future wife, he has to set up boundries with her that she cannot cross. It doesn't sound like he's done this at all..

 

They are not married... but do have children together. He has been defending me but I found it somewhat weak....

 

He has gone there now to make things more clear or , at least, that is what he told me he is doing.

 

If it involves having contact with her other than picking the kids up and dropping them off. I will leave. I just hope I am not being unreasonible.

[Lostinlife4now]

He doesn't have sex at home.. LOL

Trust me.. this is the no. 1 lie.

 

 

Anytime I asked Xmm if he was sleeping with the W, he said NO! Did I believe him....Yep....Am I a dumb ass??????? Didn't care.....if he was,,,,I just needed to know if I had to stop at the store for CONDOMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[alexandria35]

I can't remember the whole back story either but OP if this has been going on since the start then in a way you agreed to it simply by becoming involved with him. I mean if this weird dynamic was going on when you met him and you got involved anyways then you were agreeing to the arrangement. Now you've decided that you hate it and want it to change, but that doesn't mean they have to share your feelings.

 

I have been in relationships with 2 different men that had children. First man had a child that resulted from a one night stand and he essentially had no ongoing relationship with the mother. Paid her child support and picked up his son for visitation and that was about it. Second guy had a son with a woman that he had loved very much at one time but their relationship had been over for years before I met him and there had been other girlfriends before me. He did have more involvement with his ex. They would discuss their child but they were also sort of friends and sometimes she would ask him for favors that didn't have all that much to do with their son. Like maybe she would ask him to fix something for her, help her choose a new car, give her a ride when her car wasn't running, etc. I had met her, liked her and had no problem with him helping her out and I never did throughout our 8 year relationship. I think it would have been somewhat manipulative or deceitful of me to go along with it in the beginning but then demand that it change a couple of years in.

 

I'm not saying you have to put up with this weirdness, just pointing out that maybe it's not really fair for you to expect everyone to change the status quo simply because you have changed your mind about something you initially agreed to. If you're the only one of the three of you that has a big problem with this arrangement then it seems to me that you have one of two choices. Either leave the relationship or accept that this is their arrangement and they're not obligated to change it now just because you say so. If you didn't like this arrangement then you shouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place.

[MissBee]

Why at her home? Why not at his?

 

It's not just her home...it's the kids' home as well. That's where they know and are comfortable. Adamgem and MM started living together rather quickly, in fact from what I recall of her story, his wife assumed he lived by himself, when he moved into Adamgem's house. As far as what she's saying, there are still some unclear things in terms of the MM's wife not knowing they live together etc. So I can just imagine how awkward that would be for the kids to hang out with their dad there. I personally think it is a lot easier for everyone (well except Adamgem who feels insecure about it, but the insecurity isn't about that, but rather, the whole relationship) if he continues to spend time with the kids in the home they know and then once things settle down, he can start bringing them to Adamgem's house.

 

If he lived alone, it wouldn't be an issue, but personally for me, if I separate from my kid's dad, esp in the case of an A, esp if the separation is fresh, I'd try to make the transition as smooth as possible by keeping the kid's situated and not uproot them for my convenience. If I were a single mom I'd never introduce my kids to a man I was dating until well into it, so with that mindset, I find it irresponsible to have an A, move in, then expect your kids to shortly thereafter start coming to the house with you and your exOW.

Edited August 9, 2012 by MissBee