Contact when your partner is overseas?

[Leigh 87]

If your partner went overseas for ten days, would you expect them to contact you while they were over there?

 

We are talking about a serious relationship here; or maybe some of you would still facebook them every two days even if you only just got together?

[threebyfate]

My husband goes across the country on business trips, every few to six months. The longest was almost a month. We skyped or talked on the phone daily.

[cerridwen]

It would depend on what he's doing.

If he's adventure traveling with his buddies and bivouacking on a mountain side, no.

 

If he's on business laying up in a posh hotel with his laptop at hand, a single email would suffice.

 

Nice avvy, Leigh.

[Leigh 87]

Sorry, I am at my wits end. I am seeing a guy - the first guy I have had in my adult life - but I have NO clue as to what is considered normal, fro a guy who " claims" to be in love with their partner...

I reall hate talking about my relationship, and talk about it less and less through my own threads now; however, I am at stage where I am not sure wheather to stay or go.

 

Please, I just need honest feedback about what YOU do, what our partner does, and what OTHER people you know have done, in regards to overseas travel, where mobiles won't work.:(:(

The guy I am " seeing" and currently with most days of the week ( we both consider our relationship serious), is in South East Asia.

He did not plan the trip; one of his mates pulled out of the trip, and rang this guy up, and told him he was selling his ticket half for half price.... The guy I am seeing is an avid traveller, and wanted to go immediately, even though I could not afford to come with him.

 

His first trip away: was for about 3 - 4 days, and he rang once each night, or messaged me, telling me he would love to talk to me. We had been together a month or two at this stage.

Then I went away to Hong Kong for almost a month - and we talked on facebook some nights, and sent 3 - 4 messages via text. He picked me up from the train station when I got back, and we went and hugged for a few hours. This was before we said " I love you"

The next time, he went away for a month, he called and texted every day, becausse it was within the same country ( albiet he WAS out of reception, out at sea, for a few days and hence could not contact me).

We both felt very close at this stage, and were already " in love". I had ZERO worry about him cheating.

I picked him up from the airport, and he caught a train back with me - even though he hates trains.

The next time he went away, he got offered a half price cruise ship ticket with his best mate - so again, he went. This time, he had no phone reception, so he went on facebook once to talk to me.

Things were a little rocky with us, so I DID think he could cheat. I was not 100% secure.

I picked him up from the train station;so we are the first person each other goes to, after we arrive home from trips.

THIS TIME: he probably will not even bother to get on facebook. He is partying every night with his mates. I know MOST guys who are serious about their girlfriends DO NOT go out partying with people - but that ios the phase of life HE is in, and I do not think he would change even for his " dream" girl... He just likes to go out and have a great time drinking with people who are fun.

This time however, he is just getting a lift back with a friend.

 

He tells me time and time again he is into me, he loves me a great deal, and he does not believe in cheating; he thinks he would not bother with a girl he is not really into, and that if he felt like cheating, he would end the relationship, because I obviosuly deserve better.

I BELIEVE that he THINKS he is into me, and I KNOW he really loves who I am , as a person. I KNOW he loves being around me. I am just unsure hwo IN LOVE he actually is. I know he THINKS he loves me a great deal - but perhaps he is not a deap enough thinker, to KNOW what true, romatic love is?

 

I am really confused as to what is NORMAL; if a guy is in love, surely he would get a phone card, and want to call their partner whilst overseas for ten days?

In my mind, we are over, romantically speaking. I just do not think he would leave with NO plans of calling me, if he was in true love.

I am going through a really, REALLY hard time!!!!!!!! :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(I love him and am EXTREMELY close to him - we hang out every day, tell each other everthing, and are 100% ourselves around each other, and say and do things we would not do around other people. We have also stopped having close friendships with the opposite sex, by defult, not because either of us asked for it.

 

Please help me, I am a really loyal, kind girlfriend, I love spoiling him and doing nice things for him.

At this stage it is pretty evident that I should move on, but it is FAR to hard to at this stage... He says he wants to be " close" and " happy with me" when he gets back. But I just have too many doubts, based on his actions.

We are so close, that parting ways and thinking of other people romantically, really saddens and upsets us.

 

Lastly - Have said he would have paid for me to go, no questions asked - if he could afford it. But that he thinks I should be able to trust him, and actuall SUPPORT and be HAPPY for him, to get to fulfill his dream of frequent travel.

He cannot really afford it, but he onl jUST manages to scrape enough cash together. He would not have gone on the last two trips, had he not been ofered very cheap rates....

I know MOST guys who are in their mid 20's are settling down, and not wanting to party anymore; but not my partner ( soon to be ex...) . He believes that he loves me, and therefore should be able to " party" without me. Although, he does prefer it if I am there.

I do not believe that he would STOP partying without his partner, even with his dream girl... I just think it is who he is right now in life. I do not think he would do it differently if he was with another girl.

 

I have told him that I am confused about us, as he tells me and it feels like we are very much together and that he loves me enough; but then he goes away and does not even feel like getting an easy to get phone card to call me once in ten fricken days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Leigh 87]

It would depend on what he's doing.

If he's adventure traveling with his buddies and bivouacking on a mountain side, no.

 

If he's on business laying up in a posh hotel with his laptop at hand, a single email would suffice.

 

Nice avvy, Leigh.

 

 

 

Thanks:) That is us.... We love going to the beach every weekend. Being together makes us very happy, we just act like ourselves and enjoy each others company.

 

It sucks, the fact I will probably walk away or suggest it to him - for good. We really love each others company all of the time. Neither of us are ready to just move on.

 

He is VERY laid back!!!!!!!!!!! He feels that he loves me, and therefore he should not HAVE to constantly worry about contacting me. He thinks I should KNOW he loves me a lot, and therefore nto question things such as getting hold of a phone card - and the fact he has NOT done it, and if it is indicative of him NOT loving me enough....

 

On the cruise ship, him and his best mate partied and hung out with the two hottest girls on the boat. You know - I TRY to be a " cool" and " secure" girlfriend; he tells me he loves me, and therefore would not feel right being with other people, and therefore I have nothing to worry about.

 

I am not sure how to deal with love at this stage in my life. I could once trust him 100%, but now I feel differently for some reason. I feel like a good looking, single guy like him, could easily go drinking and clubbing with a hot girl who he really connects with, and think " wow, I thought I loved Leigh to bits, but I did not have THIS feeling with her"

 

I tell him my worries, and he just dimisses them, saying " look, I love you, i do not want to talk about issues, I just want to be happy with you"

[Leigh 87]

The fact he did not even ask for my number, so he could get a call card whilst over there, speaks volumes to me.

I want a guy who I am with, to WANT to call me once or twice while he is away overseas for ten days.

 

............. I am starting to move on. It is a process, but I am at the beginning of it.

 

I love him dearly, and his little dogs that I have come to love. This is so awful. I honestly will not stop loving him for a long while:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

 

When he gets back, he said he wants to be " extra close" with me, in a relationship way... I guess I will have started the process of moving on.

 

 

I am a mess and cry every night because we were very close.

[anne1707]

Surely he already has your number so does not need to ask for it?

[Leigh 87]

Surely he already has your number so does not need to ask for it?

 

 

 

He does not have his phone with him. And he does not remember any of my numbers.

 

He really loves me for who I am - but obviosuly not in the deap, romantic way... I think if it was true love, he would remember my number by now.

 

He does rate me pretty highly though - I guess it will take him to meet the " right girl", to truly feel compelled to remember her numbers. I know he is into me, just not enough....

[anne1707]

Oh Leigh, you cannot decide whether someone loves you or not because they can or cannot remember a telephone number (especially with the way phones work these days where people don't have to learn them to use them) - some people are good at numbers, others aren't.

 

Stop jumping to conclusions - you could very well be blowing this all out of proportion

[Els]

Well, if he's living with you, spending most of his time with you normally... and goes away for 10 days with minimal contact, I wouldn't necessarily read too much into it. I mean, we all need some time to ourselves, some more than others. 10 days is just a little vacation, so I wouldn't fault someone for thinking that it's okay to have minimal contact during that short period of time. When my bf went to visit his family for about 10 days, we talked perhaps every other day or so, as he was understandably busy catching up with people that he hadn't seen for a year - a year that he had spent living with me and seeing me everyday. That was fine, to me. That doesn't necessarily mean that you need to be fine with it, but what exactly are your reasons for not being fine?

 

If it is a longer period of time, say 3 months or so, I would expect some establishment of regular contact, since that is more LDR-ish, and not just a short vacation. When we were LDR we did Skype for a couple of hours each day, though a lot of that was us just leaving Skype on and doing our own thing, or playing stuff together, not solely talking.

[Leigh 87]

Oh Leigh, you cannot decide whether someone loves you or not because they can or cannot remember a telephone number (especially with the way phones work these days where people don't have to learn them to use them) - some people are good at numbers, others aren't.

 

Stop jumping to conclusions - you could very well be blowing this all out of proportion

 

 

 

He is not good with numbers. He seldom remembers things like that.... I just think that " with the right girl" he would do " a few things" differently.....

 

You could be right. I guess I am just really uspet that he did not ASK for my number, to write it down.....

He did not even ask to take anything with him to remind him of me - I mentioned it casually, and he said " oh yeah, maybe you could give me something".

Of course, he forgot about it, and so I gave him a hair clip of mine anyway. You know - he liked it a lot, but did not think of it himself....

 

I guess this is the case of a guy who is into me ( he does spend his life with me and we do have something special together) but he is nto into me " enough" for me to be satisfied.

Im HIS mind, he thinks he really loves me, and he thinks I make everything up, and that I have problems accepting he could really, truly love me.

 

 

 

....I just talk to people who's partners go overseas; a beautiful looking girl in my class, who;s boyfriend spoints her with presents and brought her a necklace when he was away, as well as called her a lot. And brought her sunglasses the day after he got back.

 

And the the older women in my study group, who is really unnatractive, et has a guy that ADORES her - and who tallked to her via skype and facebooK DAILY when he went away for two months. And that was before they were serious.

[Leigh 87]

Well, if he's living with you, spending most of his time with you normally... and goes away for 10 days with minimal contact, I wouldn't necessarily read too much into it. I mean, we all need some time to ourselves, some more than others. 10 days is just a little vacation, so I wouldn't fault someone for thinking that it's okay to have minimal contact during that short period of time. When my bf went to visit his family for about 10 days, we talked perhaps every other day or so, as he was understandably busy catching up with people that he hadn't seen for a year - a year that he had spent living with me and seeing me everyday. That was fine, to me. That doesn't necessarily mean that you need to be fine with it, but what exactly are your reasons for not being fine?

 

If it is a longer period of time, say 3 months or so, I would expect some establishment of regular contact, since that is more LDR-ish, and not just a short vacation. When we were LDR we did Skype for a couple of hours each day, though a lot of that was us just leaving Skype on and doing our own thing, or playing stuff together, not solely talking.

 

 

 

 

 

OH - well, for starters, going away for a month or more would be a HUGE deal for us.. we would both think about it very carefully, and be very upset and apprehensive about having to go through with it. It is not something he would do - spend that amount of time away from me - unless he HAD to.

 

We do live together, and it IS nice to have my own time.. I have SO much homework to catch up on with my tourism course! I am happy to have time alone - BUT I am very upset that he has not suggested a phone card so he can contact me.

 

We are very close, and I realised that I need to touch base with him every other day when he is overseas... I do not feel right and feel the need to just chat to him about what is going on - it feels strange to not know what is going on in his daily life......

 

I basically thought that if I was the right girl for him, he would have gotten a call car to call me...

Although I CAN see how ten days is NOT a big deal now... I guess I am confused!

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yes...I would expect some daily contact with substantial call/Skype sessions at least couple of times per week.

[Leigh 87]

Yes...I would expect some daily contact with substantial call/Skype sessions at least couple of times per week.

 

 

I realised I do too. After he left. I just felt wrong about it all; I felt " well you cannot be as into me as you claim to be, if you just go for ten days and do not even have any fixed plans of contacting me"

 

The question is: is it because I am not the right girl for him ( meaning with the right girl he WOULD indeed suggest regular contact in this same scenario)

OR..

Is this just HIM? Would he act this way to a girl he truly loved in a romantic sence?

 

Because he believes he loves me, but perhaps it is just not " romantic" love, and is rather "platonic" love, with a person he is attracted enough to, to have sex with?

[Els]

If you need to touch base every other day, you should mention it to him and see what he says. For all you know, he'll say: Sure!

 

What you should -not- be doing is yoyo-ing from 'we are meant for each other, he is totally into me and loves me so much' to 'I am not the right girl for him, he isn't really into me, I must move on, this relationship isn't right for me...' just because of 10 days apart. That is a huge, huge jump to make. You've been vacillating from one extreme to the other over the course of this R, Leigh, and that isn't a healthy way to approach it. You need to take your anxieties by the balls. I know, believe me, I know how difficult it is to do that when you're overcome by emotion. You need to try. Put this into perspective.

 

I'm not saying that you should stay, or go; I'm saying that your decision needs to be based on the bigger picture, not on how much contact you get when he's overseas for 10 days.

[Leigh 87]

Yes, I AM overcome by emotion. We are very, very close. The way we interact, is just two people who are very attached. For the MOST part - what we have is a wonderful thing that is fun all the time.

 

I am seriously crying a lot. I am going to force myself to work out or go for a walk every time I go to cry. It is not healthy falling apart over a guy. I never needed a guy before, and know I am capable of looking at him with fondness at all the close times and memories we have had, instead of getting too choked up over them, and the fact we may not be together soon.....

 

We have had a rocky time due to my mental illness I had - I tried starving myself to death before and was socially isolated for years with no friends or any person besides my parents around me.

He has loved me regardles of going through hell with me, and he has seen me at my very, very worst. We do have something really great together, I just... Want a guy to reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy have that " x factor" with me............................ You know, where the guy loves pleasing their girl sexually, making it all about them cos they canot get enough of them, and buying them gifts, making it OBVIOUS they are very much in love.

 

What is WRONG with me... I HATE dating guys who are into soppy poems, buying presents ALL the time, and showering me with bl00dy gifts.. I prefer a guy whio is more low key, but still does those gestures, just not ALL. the. time.

My partner is very affectionate, but not in that way I dislike; you know, publically declaring I am his soul mate on facebook, or saying " you look beautiful babe" on his picture.....

 

 

I guess part of me feels " upset" when I go and talk to my model - look alike friend, who has HER boyfriend buying her gifts every bloody week, and calling her every day he is away on holiday....

[TaraMaiden]

Would you describe yourself as 'high-maintenance'...?

 

That's how you come across to me, hun....

 

I've been in your shoes and it didn't bother me a bit....

[yongyong]

you are worrying about him cheating on you.

I don't know how many guys can be faithful to their GF when they have a chance with gorgeous women overseas. (no evidence can be found)

[Leigh 87]

Would you describe yourself as 'high-maintenance'...?

 

That's how you come across to me, hun....

 

I've been in your shoes and it didn't bother me a bit....

 

 

 

Yes, I guess I am being high maintenance. But it is what I need from him - contact when he is away.

 

Then again, if I was more secure within myself, and had a better ability to just " chill" and go about my daily life, and to keep myself busy so as to NOT have too much time on my hands to dwell over his absence... I would probably NOT mind him not suggesting calling me regularly....

 

I guess the positive about this, is I am willing to work on myself to become LESS high maintenance.

 

It is in me - if I fully trust and am at ease with a guy, I would probably not care about this scenario.

[Leigh 87]

you are worrying about him cheating on you.

I don't know how many guys can be faithful to their GF when they have a chance with gorgeous women overseas. (no evidence can be found)

 

 

He has been away from me before around gorgeous women and not cheated. Yes I checked his phone, facebook, email... I know he has not cheated as yet.

 

I genuinely feel that we are too attached, for him to be able to dool around with other girls. His attachment to me would just make it feel too wrong. It is my intinct. I would be very surprised if I am wrong.

 

However, we have an alternative relationship style; I LET him see a hooker once or twice a year. I believe it is natural for even men in LOVE, to enjoy a new body to experience sex with.

It is not something he needs, rather it is something I introduced without him expecting it.

 

He does act like he would b e able to be intimate with a girl, besides cold hard sex.

Foreplay and kissing to him is very intimate, where as the hookers are just straight sex, and he does not have to care about their feelings.

 

Most people do not believe in what I do regarding letting him see hookers, and that is just their opinion, and they should just stay out of my threads if they are so vehemently against it.

[Leigh 87]

His ego would like to THINK they were the two 'hottest' women on the ship (out of what - over 2,000 people?) This guy is a dink. Not only did he COMPLETELY disrespect you while being away on a cruise, but he comes back and BRAGS to you about hanging out with the supposed two 'hottest' women on the ship?

 

His ass should have been kicked to the curb at that point.

 

No WONDER you don't feel secure

 

And no, you're NOT "high maintenace" simply because you expect to be contacted by your irresponsible boyfriend whose too busy parrtying with the asian women every night. Come on Leigh, southeast Asia is known for it's sex trade - would he have you believe he's simply sitting at a table every night with his hands neatly folded together, acting like a good boy while his friend misbehaves? Please.

 

You sound awfully young by the way you write and you say he's only in his mid 20's, so he's still basically very young, himself. I don't put much faith at all into a 20 something young man whose been let loose to 'party' every night and can't even be bothered to touch base with his girlfriend for the 10 days he's out catting around. And for God's sakes, you shouldn't have to "talk to him" to make him understand that this crap is unacceptable. Anyone with HALF a brain - whose whole vactaion isn't being spent 'parying and drinking every night" - would get that. Apparently your selfish boyfriend doesn't CARE enough.

 

Bottom line - after his little excursion, I'd be petrified to touch him for fear of what he picked up. I'm not kidding you. I think you're being very naive if you think he didn't do anything.

 

 

First of all, he is with his friends who are all couples. He also is not that into Asian girls, sexually - he prefers tanned, lean western girls, with big butts. Or thin and pretty ones. Either way, he is more into white, caucasion women.

 

The next important factor, I do let him see a hooker once or twice a year. I guess I just do not buy into the concept that all men who are totally in love, need to only have sex with the one girl for their entire lives together. To me, sex is sex, and hookers are harmless and meaningless.

But hey that is just my belief system at this stage in my life.

And I do not think my partner will change if he meets " the right women'... I think he just has the capacity to be in love, and enjoy meaningless sex with hookers.

He cannot do it with non hookers. I have let him when things were casual early on, and he prefers to remain with me, and accepts the hookers I offer him, but maintains that he would be fine without them if that is my wish. That he would be very satisfied with just me.

And trust me - I made it clear that if he aint into ME enough and would be unhappy with only ME - that I have options and would rather be single, than with a man who " needs" the hookers. It is a present I give him, but a " need" from his part, albiet, it is something he enjoys very occasionally.

He does not even do it often, as it makes him feel less close to me.

 

I do know he care about me. I am very special to him, but I guess if I was " the one" for him, he would want to talk to me whilst away?

It is not a straight forward case of " look leigh , he just aint into you" because I know for a fact wee are very close, we have somethinig very special together, and I now he would be devastated without me.

 

He really loves me as a person, so I do not think he just flat out does not care about me at all.... I guess he just does not have that " x factor" with me, enough to call me whilst away?

Maybe this is just how HE is, to ANy girl he is into? Or maybe it is just me.

Either way - I just don't know anymore. I am a GREAT girlfriend - I am seriously caring, I give the guys I see SPACE to time with their mates, I support them and have a lot of fun with them, and I always think of funny thiigns to do to surprise people.....

[Leigh 87]

His ego would like to THINK they were the two 'hottest' women on the ship (out of what - over 2,000 people?) This guy is a dink. Not only did he COMPLETELY disrespect you while being away on a cruise, but he comes back and BRAGS to you about hanging out with the supposed two 'hottest' women on the ship?

 

His ass should have been kicked to the curb at that point.

 

No WONDER you don't feel secure

 

And no, you're NOT "high maintenace" simply because you expect to be contacted by your irresponsible boyfriend whose too busy parrtying with the asian women every night. Come on Leigh, southeast Asia is known for it's sex trade - would he have you believe he's simply sitting at a table every night with his hands neatly folded together, acting like a good boy while his friend misbehaves? Please.

 

You sound awfully young by the way you write and you say he's only in his mid 20's, so he's still basically very young, himself. I don't put much faith at all into a 20 something young man whose been let loose to 'party' every night and can't even be bothered to touch base with his girlfriend for the 10 days he's out catting around. And for God's sakes, you shouldn't have to "talk to him" to make him understand that this crap is unacceptable. Anyone with HALF a brain - whose whole vactaion isn't being spent 'parying and drinking every night" - would get that. Apparently your selfish boyfriend doesn't CARE enough.

 

Bottom line - after his little excursion, I'd be petrified to touch him for fear of what he picked up. I'm not kidding you. I think you're being very naive if you think he didn't do anything.

 

 

Oh, and it was a cruise for elder people and families..... there was only a handful of cool, younger people.

 

And I saw the pictures of the two hot girls. He never told me about it, until I asked... He never brags about such things, he is confident, but does nto rate himself so highly that he actually brags lol...

And yes, they WERE very hot, young, thin and tanned girls... One is a model, and ended up hooking up with his best mate who was with him..

The other short, petite blonde stunner had a boyfriend back home, but Andew ( my ex partner) said something like " she probably would have hooked up".

 

He promises he did not cheat and he sounded genuine. I can generally tell if a person is being insincere. He just does not strike me as a guy who would BOTHER being with me - if he felt the need to cheat..

 

I do not think he cheated at all. I just am NOT okay with NO contact with him for ten days.

 

I don't think I can be with him when he gets back, and I do think he will genuinely miss me in a big way, and when we do catch up I can see him and I wanting to be together again. But he will have to really prove his love this time around.

[Leigh 87]

annnnyways, obviously the best thing for me to do is work out more, try to socialise more, and focus on making my own life worthwhile and improving my confidence.

 

I love this guy very much, and I am not ready to jump right into dating other people. Unless he gets too close to a girl and falls in love with another girl, he will probably come back and have a present or two for me, and want to be close with me again ( his words).

 

I guess I will focus on myself whilst he is away, and if he wants to work on things when he is back, I will make it clear that I am just not okay with him not contacting me whilst he is away... I feel abandon, and very " bad" about not knowing the goings on of his daily life...

It just feels very bad being with a guy EVERY day, being very close with them, and then to not hear from them at ALL for ten days. It feels stramge not knowing what he has been up to.

 

I am open to reconciling with him. But will put myself in a better position to move on too.

[newmoon]

imo you shouldn't have to make any changes to yourself if it's the right person. your posts sound depressing only because this probably isn't the guy for you; he isn't meeting your needs, so how can that be love/romance? as soon as you find someone who can fulfill what you want (the gestures your friend gets from her bf, for example) - you'll find happiness. men (and woman) show love in very different ways and it just sounds like you both don't speak the same love language and that what you expect isn't in line with what he can give you

[BetheButterfly]

If your partner went overseas for ten days, would you expect them to contact you while they were over there?

 

We are talking about a serious relationship here; or maybe some of you would still facebook them every two days even if you only just got together?

 

I like your avatar. Nice picture!

 

Every couple is diverse. If my hubby or I went overseas without the other, I personally would expect daily contact if possible. If not possible, I would understand but if there is a reliable internet connection in the vicinity, I would expect facebook everyday.

 

I facebook message my Mom at least every other day, though we're not in a different country. I also read a friend from Europe's facebook pretty much everyday... love her quotes and pictures!!!

 

My hubby is my soulmate so I expect daily communication with him if at all possible.