Contact when your partner is overseas?

[BetheButterfly]

Yes, I AM overcome by emotion. We are very, very close. The way we interact, is just two people who are very attached. For the MOST part - what we have is a wonderful thing that is fun all the time.

 

I am seriously crying a lot. I am going to force myself to work out or go for a walk every time I go to cry. It is not healthy falling apart over a guy. I never needed a guy before, and know I am capable of looking at him with fondness at all the close times and memories we have had, instead of getting too choked up over them, and the fact we may not be together soon.....

 

We have had a rocky time due to my mental illness I had - I tried starving myself to death before and was socially isolated for years with no friends or any person besides my parents around me.

He has loved me regardles of going through hell with me, and he has seen me at my very, very worst. We do have something really great together, I just... Want a guy to reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy have that " x factor" with me............................ You know, where the guy loves pleasing their girl sexually, making it all about them cos they canot get enough of them, and buying them gifts, making it OBVIOUS they are very much in love.

 

What is WRONG with me... I HATE dating guys who are into soppy poems, buying presents ALL the time, and showering me with bl00dy gifts.. I prefer a guy whio is more low key, but still does those gestures, just not ALL. the. time.

My partner is very affectionate, but not in that way I dislike; you know, publically declaring I am his soul mate on facebook, or saying " you look beautiful babe" on his picture.....

 

 

I guess part of me feels " upset" when I go and talk to my model - look alike friend, who has HER boyfriend buying her gifts every bloody week, and calling her every day he is away on holiday....

 

Leigh you are scared and frightened.

 

Sweetie I'm so sorry. Don't be so scared. I know it's hard to just simply stop being scared, but you need to train your mind to think positively.

 

(I hope you don't mind that I called you sweetie... I'm from the midwest USA and many girls call others sweetie or hon, just to show care for that person.)

 

Don't compare yourself to other couples... that doesn't help. My hubby doesn't buy me presents every week and yet I know he loves me. People are diverse and that's ok. Couples are diverse and that's ok too.

[BetheButterfly]

annnnyways, obviously the best thing for me to do is work out more, try to socialise more, and focus on making my own life worthwhile and improving my confidence.

 

I love this guy very much, and I am not ready to jump right into dating other people. Unless he gets too close to a girl and falls in love with another girl, he will probably come back and have a present or two for me, and want to be close with me again ( his words).

 

I guess I will focus on myself whilst he is away, and if he wants to work on things when he is back, I will make it clear that I am just not okay with him not contacting me whilst he is away... I feel abandon, and very " bad" about not knowing the goings on of his daily life...

It just feels very bad being with a guy EVERY day, being very close with them, and then to not hear from them at ALL for ten days. It feels stramge not knowing what he has been up to.

 

I am open to reconciling with him. But will put myself in a better position to move on too.

 

Yeah don't depend on a guy to make life "worthwhile." That doesn't work. That only leaves girls feels hopeless and clingy and scared of being "replaced."

 

It's great to work out and enjoy life and help people. You can do that when he's away and when he comes back. Life doesn't stop when a guy goes somewhere.

 

Please don't put your happiness on a person. That's too much of a burden. Put your happiness in growing and enjoying life... take time to enjoy nature... you like the beach yeah? Do you think the beach cares if people don't come see it? Nah. The beach doesn't need people to come hang out with it. It simply is whether people come or not, and it's beautiful. Enjoy it and be more independent. Don't depend on people to make you happy. Be happy WITH people, not because of people. That will help you not be so scared of being hurt.

[FitChick]

Normal is different for everyone. You might ask this on the Long Distance forum where people deal with this everyday.

[Bridgey]

I can understand wanting contact with him every other day just to keep in touch, but realize he is only going to be gone for -ten days-. Thats really not that long of a time. If my boyfriend was going to a place where communication wasn't going to be easy, I would accept that we weren't going to get to talk for 10 days and wish him all the fun in the world while he was on vacation. It would suck not to get to talk at all for 10 days, but it would be manageable. And you guys live together, once he's back you'll have him all to yourself again, so enjoy some you time. He'll be back before you know it.

[Leigh 87]

I like your avatar. Nice picture!

 

Every couple is diverse. If my hubby or I went overseas without the other, I personally would expect daily contact if possible. If not possible, I would understand but if there is a reliable internet connection in the vicinity, I would expect facebook everyday.

 

I facebook message my Mom at least every other day, though we're not in a different country. I also read a friend from Europe's facebook pretty much everyday... love her quotes and pictures!!!

 

My hubby is my soulmate so I expect daily communication with him if at all possible.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi:) I like it how you can see that each couple is different. Even going on a holiday SPEFICIALLY to get drunk and " party" every night, without your girlfriend - is a reg flag and a deal breaker for a LOT of people...

 

And yet, there are also people who think it is no big deal, and if he loves me all should be good; sending a couple of facebook messages to let me know it is all okay would saffice.

 

THEN there are the people, like a girl from my tourism and aviation class just told me " he is doing something that is part of the single lifestyle" But that it could still be all good, and he may not cheat.

 

I guess all I can do, is acknowledge that I personally need mroe contact than he has given me so far; he left Wednesday, and has not even gotten onto facebook yet, where as his mates who are with him HAVE gotten on once or twice.

 

To him, he believes he loves me, he wants to be with me, and he wants us to be close as usual when he gets back. He told me that he cannot cheat, because he has feelings for me. That he would facebook me, but to not take it personally if he doesn't do it right away, within 4 days or so.

 

In my mind though, he is out partying and drinking every night with many hot girls around him - SO I DO need assurances from him! I NEED him to contact me to let me know everything is okay...

 

I am so torn over what to do! I am starting to get a protective mechanism that is kicking in - it is causing me to distance myself from him emotionally, and to act as if we are not together, and to start the process of getting over him.

 

All I know to do, is to work on myself, and to live life as though anything could happen with us at this point; I cannot just stay feeling close to him, and act abnd lice my life as though we will still be together when he gets back.

 

For all I know, we won't be together when he is back, because I do not trust guys when they drink heavily and party with a lot of hot chicks dancing with them. I think there is a chance my bf could get so drunk, and do things with a girl, and then regret it. Cos I sure as hell won't take him back if he ever does:sick:

 

So I am going to start to get over him for now, and when he comes back, if he want sme badly enough and he has NOT cheated, he will have to show me he cares about the fact I cried every day he was gone, out of fear he cheated. And to come up with a way to prevent this in the future.

[Leigh 87]

imo you shouldn't have to make any changes to yourself if it's the right person. your posts sound depressing only because this probably isn't the guy for you; he isn't meeting your needs, so how can that be love/romance? as soon as you find someone who can fulfill what you want (the gestures your friend gets from her bf, for example) - you'll find happiness. men (and woman) show love in very different ways and it just sounds like you both don't speak the same love language and that what you expect isn't in line with what he can give you

 

 

 

A very true point, but luckily ANdrew has always been one to compromise. For instance, he hates oral sex with girls ( giving it) before he met me, but in order to stay with me, he was very happy to try it out, and he has learnt to like it.

 

He is always up to compromise. He would have no problem if he comes back, and I say " it was hell for me, I felt terrible knowing you were partying and drun k every night around hot girls, and not even contacting me"

He would need to acknowledge it hurt me a lot, and next time around, try not to GO on party trips without me, and if he did occasionally in the future, he would need to facebook me more often whilst over there....

 

 

 

We just never discusses contacting each other, besides saying " I will facebook u eventually, but don't worry if I go 4 days without it, I will send u a msg before u get back"

[TG1]

If I was away overseas or let's say I was in another state or something, would I contact my girlfriend?

 

No I wouldn't, and why I wouldn't, because what if I am there on my vacation enjoying myself or I am with family, I am going to want to enjoy my vacation or at least enjoy it with my family and when I get back, we can touch base, but I would make her miss me first by not contacting her on my vacation but coming back into town to surprise her ultimately

[Eclypse]

I was in Europe for a month and called my gf every second day. She got sick of me and told me to go and just have fun

 

Your boyf should definitely call at least every now and then!

[TG1]

If I was away overseas or let's say I was in another state or something, would I contact my girlfriend?

 

No I wouldn't, and why I wouldn't, because what if I am there on my vacation enjoying myself or I am with family, I am going to want to enjoy my vacation or at least enjoy it with my family and when I get back, we can touch base, but I would make her miss me first by not contacting her on my vacation but coming back into town to surprise her ultimately

 

So that is why I wouldn't call her at all while I was overseas but as soon as I was back, then I would contact her

[AlexCross]

Leigh, I don't get you. You are upset about him not calling you for ten days and upset he is partying but you get him a hooker a few times a year for sex ? If that is not contradictory then what is ? So he is partying drinking with his friends ? What is worse ? Having sex with someone other then your partner (a hooker) who could be laden with STD's or having a a good time on a 10 day vacation. I just don't get you. Not downplaying your emotions. Just saying.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, I don't get you. You are upset about him not calling you for ten days and upset he is partying but you get him a hooker a few times a year for sex ? If that is not contradictory then what is ? So he is partying drinking with his friends ? What is worse ? Having sex with someone other then your partner (a hooker) who could be laden with STD's or having a a good time on a 10 day vacation. I just don't get you. Not downplaying your emotions. Just saying.

 

 

 

The hooker once a year has not phased me in the slightest. It is not something he will always have, and he knows it; he acts like it is not a big deal at all to him, and he could happily and easily live without them.. It is not like he acts like Iam not enough, and " needs" them. He said it is a non issue if I suddenly change my stance on them.

 

And without the once a year hooker, which I actually am not going to allow anymore, - we act like a very in love and close couple, who's lives revolve around each other.

 

 

 

 

 

I am not comfortable with seeing a guy every single day and living with him, and having HIM need ME to have to hug him in his sleep every night, when he then goes overseas and parties for 8 or 8 days, which will include clubbing and dancing with MANY hot girls pressing their bodies close to his, while they are all extremely drunk.

..And not being bothered or feeling the need to contact me when he knows that I know he is partying with hundreds of girls every night.

 

 

 

It is totally confusing, because he DOES act like he is really into me and that he cares about me and truly loves me every DAY - yet his ACTIONS i this occasion do NOT show he is in love with me.

 

In his OWN mind, he " thinks" he is in love with me. But I do not think he knows what true love is; I think he is merely attached to me very much and loves me like a " family" member, who is also attractive enough for him to have sex with.

 

I wonder if it is ME; that he only loves me platonically and not romantically, and that if he DOES find a girl he is " in true love with", that he WOULD have asked her to write dow her number ( he is terrible with numbers), so he could get a phone card whilst over there, and called her some how.

 

It is SO annoying that he might be ( I am still unsier) deluded enough to think he is deaply in love with me, and then go party with hundreds of girls every night, without feeling ANY urge to contact me.

 

Hei s in a decent hotel which would have internet access. Although he did tell me " not to worry if he did nto contact me for the first 4 days or so"

[Leigh 87]

I was in Europe for a month and called my gf every second day. She got sick of me and told me to go and just have fun

 

Your boyf should definitely call at least every now and then!

 

 

 

Andrew's ( I do not consider him to be my boyfriend at this stage, he has not earned or prooved he wants it badly enough), is very laid back. ANd no not just with me - but in general! He thinks that since he " loves" me and we are very close, that this means he should not have to worr about contacting me too strictly.

 

Ya know - he is having an action packed holiday and is very busy each day going on tours - but in my heart, I believe if he mised me fiercly and in a deap way, he would have felt the need to at least send a bl00dy facebook message....

 

But yes he is very laid back and thinks if there is trust and love involved, that he would rather just go and have fun with his mates, and have me KNOW that it is " all good", rather tha having to talk to me when he is having time off from life ( a holiday!)

 

He is very much the type who wants to just go have fun with his mates. but I cannot stop questioning if I was " the one" for him, if he would have HAd to contact me right away after the first night or two - due to MISSING me.....

[SoleMate]

On the cruise ship, him and his best mate partied and hung out with the two hottest girls on the boat. You know - I TRY to be a " cool" and " secure" girlfriend; he tells me he loves me, and therefore would not feel right being with other people, and therefore I have nothing to worry about.

 

I was already questioning this..and then I saw that you "let" him be with hookers 1-2 times per year. So that makes it clear that sex outside your r/s is OK with him and with you. Yet you have the condition about how it has to be a hooker with no foreplay or feelings. Well, someone who can easily visit a hooker can also, I suggest, easily slide things around in his mind to say, "Having sex on a cruise ship with a hot girl I'll never (have to) see again is actually a lot like having sex with a hooker and therefore is OK within the context of my r/s because of the following 'reasons': blah, blah, blah...." It's a matter of semantics and just bending one's reasoning a bit.

 

The whole travel thing is bogus. An acceptable solo travel pattern in a committed r/s would be for cultural and linguistic and geographic exploration, e.g. Macchu Picchu or working on a kibbutz. It is worth the expense and the separation because you CAN'T do those things at home. But he doesn't really explore, he just does the drinking/partying/"socializing" thing which one can easily do anywhere. However, it is a lot easier to have new sexual experiences when your gf can't reach you and I think that's the attraction of travel.

 

I hope you see I'm not criticizing or blaming you for the hooker clause, I'm just pointing out that the clause may have provided a lot more wiggle room or just scope than you realized. Fidelity would be easier to define and understand if it were clear and absolute ("no sexual activity with other women").

 

I hope you're having a great fling yourself 1-2 times per year, or maybe just whenever he travels, to distract yourself from wondering about what HE'S doing.

[Chocolat]

Leigh, I don't get you. You are upset about him not calling you for ten days and upset he is partying but you get him a hooker a few times a year for sex ? If that is not contradictory then what is ? So he is partying drinking with his friends ? What is worse ? Having sex with someone other then your partner (a hooker) who could be laden with STD's or having a a good time on a 10 day vacation. I just don't get you. Not downplaying your emotions. Just saying.

 

Agreed.

 

I do not consider him to be my boyfriend at this stage, he has not earned or prooved he wants it badly enough

 

Huh? Haven't you been with this guy for about a year now? And aren't the two of you exclusive, except for the hookers you buy him? What exactly is he if he isn't your bf? A FB? If so, why would you expect him to contact you while he's on holiday?

[Chocolat]

I cannot stop questioning if I was " the one" for him, if he would have HAd to contact me right away after the first night or two - due to MISSING me.....

 

This sounds like a test. If he really loved me he would.... [fill in the blank]

 

A sign of relationship maturity is the ability of the people in the r/s to communicate openly and honestly with each other, and not to present "love tests" for each other.

 

Why didn't you and your un-bf (not sure what to all him given your assertion that he's not your bf) discuss any of what is concerning you before he left?

[Leigh 87]

I have talked to him about the hooker thing. He says that sex outside this arrangements is totally unacceptable - that he does NOT feel like he is capable of cheating on it at all, and would never do it to me.

 

He thinks cheating is a sh*tt thing to do, and by all acounts ACTS like he does not believe in cheating.

 

I honestly know him very well, and do not think cheating is something he wants to do with me.

 

He also knows the hooker thing is NOT indefinate, and he said he could nto care less if he never sees one again.

 

I just believed that in his phase of his life, seeing a hooker once a year is more suited to who HE is right now.

 

However, I now realize it is not a good thing to do, and I have no doubt he will care at all. It was a perk he enjoyed once or twice, but not something he talks about or acts like he NEEDS that badly.

[Leigh 87]

This sounds like a test. If he really loved me he would.... [fill in the blank]

 

A sign of relationship maturity is the ability of the people in the r/s to communicate openly and honestly with each other, and not to present "love tests" for each other.

 

Why didn't you and your un-bf (not sure what to all him given your assertion that he's not your bf) discuss any of what is concerning you before he left?[/QU

 

 

Because he constantly is with me and says he wants us to be very close/ grow closer, and stay together and be happy; and for me to try to see that he loves me, and not worry when he is away.

I will probably leave him for good when he is back, simply because I am goingt through complete hell due to his actions.

 

And he is a guy who likes to go out and party and travel, I do not think all guys like this need to be single; I think the can find a girl they love are are into, and generally party with their girlfriends, with the odd occasion where they don't.

Not every one who is truly in love has to go about relationships the same way. Not ALL men who are truly in love and who like to accept cheap travel deals where they party and drink daily - are not in love with their partners.

 

Some men are just ultra laid back. IT IS THEM, not a reflection of their feelings for their girlfriends.

I am not sure at all that Andrew would change if he met " the right girl" who is was in " true" love with....

I think there is a possibility that this is who he is, and it is not a sign he is not in lovew ith me; I can see him possibly being like this to any girl regardless of how much he is in love with them.

 

People who believe living a single life while in a relationship is not right - but you have to see it from ANdrew's POV; he beliieves he loves me, and therefore I should trust him.

[Leigh 87]

Agreed.

 

 

 

Huh? Haven't you been with this guy for about a year now? And aren't the two of you exclusive, except for the hookers you buy him? What exactly is he if he isn't your bf? A FB? If so, why would you expect him to contact you while he's on holiday?

 

 

 

And we are exclusive - I just am torn as to what the truth is and what to do about him.

 

On one hand, he could very well love me as much as he can love a person, and come back and just be the type of guy who wants to party occasionally without me, and want a girl who trusts him; he is not a guy who wants to quit his partying ways, so he can bow down to what " some" guys in relationships do.

 

I can honestly see him being totally in love with another girl, and still accepting a half price plane ticket and wanting to be able to go and party without this girl.

 

Of course, the other alternative, is that while he THINKS he is totally in love with me - he does not KNOW what true love is, and merely loves me like a family member who he is attracted to and has sex with.

And that he has cheated on me, and would not have gone away at all if he was truly in love with a girl.

 

 

 

 

 

...It just really feels like I should not totally write him off, because based o his character in general, I do not think he is a person who would change even if he truly loved a girl and she was his dream girl..... I think he would still want to party alone if need be. NOT all the time - but you know, if the opportunity for a cheap trip came up, i think he would still take it, regardless of how much he loves a girl.

 

 

 

He loves being independant and relying on trust and NOT having to appease his partner; he likes the idea of being able to party alone if need be ( he is on holiday and the girlfriend cannot come), and for the girl to be cool with that.

[InJest]

You are codependent for certain, and in the neighborhood of crazy. It's been two days. Pick up a hobby or something. Geez.

[AlexCross]

I have talked to him about the hooker thing. He says that sex outside this arrangements is totally unacceptable - that he does NOT feel like he is capable of cheating on it at all, and would never do it to me.

 

He thinks cheating is a sh*tt thing to do, and by all acounts ACTS like he does not believe in cheating.

 

I honestly know him very well, and do not think cheating is something he wants to do with me.

 

He also knows the hooker thing is NOT indefinate, and he said he could nto care less if he never sees one again.

 

I just believed that in his phase of his life, seeing a hooker once a year is more suited to who HE is right now.

 

However, I now realize it is not a good thing to do, and I have no doubt he will care at all. It was a perk he enjoyed once or twice, but not something he talks about or acts like he NEEDS that badly.

 

Um Im no defense attorney but what you are saying makes no sense and you are contradicting yourself left and right. First you say he thinks it is cheating and he would never do it at all. Then you say its not indefinate and he doesnt care if he sees one again, intimating to the fact that he saw one. Then you say its a perk he enjoyed once or twice. Which is it ? You dont seem to know if your coming or going.

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't know my partner's number as I just dial his name in my phonebook.

 

 

 

He does not have his phone with him. And he does not remember any of my numbers.

 

He really loves me for who I am - but obviosuly not in the deap, romantic way... I think if it was true love, he would remember my number by now.

 

He does rate me pretty highly though - I guess it will take him to meet the " right girl", to truly feel compelled to remember her numbers. I know he is into me, just not enough....

[threebyfate]

Christ woman, your posts stress me the hell out by reading them. CHILL..OUT!

 

Decide:

• If you want a monogamous relationship, then find a monogamous guy.
  
• If an open relationship is what you want, you have the right guy for the job.
  

 

It's that easy.

[LittleTiger]

He does not have his phone with him. And he does not remember any of my numbers.

 

He really loves me for who I am - but obviosuly not in the deap, romantic way... I think if it was true love, he would remember my number by now.

 

He does rate me pretty highly though - I guess it will take him to meet the " right girl", to truly feel compelled to remember her numbers. I know he is into me, just not enough....

 

My guy and I have been in an LDR for almost 3 years. He loves me to bits but I don't think he would have a clue what my number was if he didn't have his phone on him.

[justwhoiam]

woman, your posts stress me the hell out by reading them. CHILL..OUT!

This lady has a really twisted mind Unless it's a troll...

 

Dear Leigh, here's what I think:

1) you are trying to control his sexual behavior choosing sexual partners for him

2) he's a free spirit who likes travelling, I seriously doubt you can mess with his mind, so that he can't choose sexual partners for himself

3) the question here is not how long he's away, but why he's away without you

4) your nice stories are made up for a 10 year old fool, not for an adult woman; this is the repeating plot:

 

• friend arranges a holiday with another friend
  
• the other friend unexpectedly can't come along
  
• bf gets offered travel at half price
  
• bf packs his stuff and flies wherever
  
• everyone's happy
  

5) the plot doesn't hold water, as on the cruise all his friends were couples, so how come there's always this missing single friend? (seems a double identity case)

6) two half price trips = 1 standard trip with you

7) if he likes travelling around the world without you now, chances are he will do later on in the relationship; he might give up if you get married, but he won't enjoy it and - soon or later - will find other ways to replace what he's missing

8) I say whatever I want and you have no control on who's writing in your threads; why? Because this is a public forum

9) you want to put your mind to rest? check his bank statements, to see how much he's spending with all this travelling and then decide for yourself; you said you're high-maintenance, so I guess you can't put up with someone who's having fun around the world but has no money for you

[Forever Learning]

I don't know my partner's number as I just dial his name in my phonebook.

 

Same here I don't have many phone numbers memorized I just rely on never losing my phone since they are all in there! LOL