Hating myself

[Ducky23]

For those of you frequent enough who read my posts, it's not new news that xMM and I decided to go through with an abortion last year when I got pregnant. I haven't said much about it for a number of reasons. First and foremost because I'm deeply ashamed of it. Today, August 8, is the one-year anniversary. Mother's Day wasn't hard for me to get through because I had my kids and it was a good day. Father's Day was harder. XMM and I were still together. I would have already had the baby. I broke down and told him happy Father's Day anyway. I admitted that I was sad about what we had done. He never responded to it.. But today.. All of the memories have flooded in. I'm stone-cold sober and I have no desire to be. When we were talking about the decision, it seemed to be the best option at the time. He told me he would be there and everything would be okay. He wasn't the one to drive me. We had a mutual friend take me in. I was in contact with xMM the whole time. But he wasn't there to hold my hand. I had a very sweet nurse who held my hand and talked me through it. I was terrified. Regardless of the decision I had made, the whole thing was traumatizing to me. Afterward, literally within a few hours, we all went out shooting. Like nothing had happened. It's something we all get together to do for fun and it's very relaxing and calming. Later that night, after we dropped my friend off, xMM and I talked about it. He asked me if it hurt, if the doctor was nice, if I was okay.. I just told him everything was fine. It was nothing, over very quickly with no complications. We never talked about it again. I can't think of another single conversation we had where it was mentioned. I never told him the truth about how it made me feel. About the guilt that I carry from it. I haven't even told my therapist about it. Though I believe I will now. It seems right to. To move past it all. But tonight, exactly a year later, I'm watching my son as he sleeps. And I'm wishing I had that baby. I want to be pregnant again. I want the chance to get **** right. And I want to tell xMM the truth. I still live that fear that I felt in that office. All of those emotions are still with me. And god how I hate myself for it. I try not to think about it. I don't talk about it. But tonight I want to text him. To cry and scream and break something. To tell him the truth about how it affected me. About how it still affects me. I can't sleep. Tonight is not a good night.

[veryhappy]

Hug.

 

Don't be ashamed of it - you felt was the best decision for you at the time. Your grief is probably very normal at this point in time. Have you tried searching similar experiences online? Sometimes it can make it worse, but sometimes it can help to see that you are not alone.

 

You could try calling your therapist in the morning to see if she/he's available sooner than you are scheduled.

[Ducky23]

I haven't thought of looking for other people who have been through it. I think mostly because of my own guilt. I hate admitting that it happened. That ever even it was a thought. I was always 100% anti-abortion. Pro-life. Not crazy or boycotting or anything. Just that it was never ever an idea in my mind. If you're adult enough to lay down and make a baby, then be adult enough to stand up and raise that baby. I still believe that. My thoughts toward other women who have had abortions has changed, of course. I no longer view them as the absolute Evil. I should never have put myself in a position for it to ever even come up as an option, let alone go through with it. But it happened. I'm not better or worse than the rest. But I'm also a very solitary, private person. My thoughts come out here, in this forum, because my sins are accepted and there are people who are interested in helping, who genuinely care. Instead of tearing me down and blasting me for what I've done wrong. I'm terrified to seek elsewhere. For fear that I won't find the same acceptance.

[veryhappy]

You feel like you've let yourself down. Abortion is such a strong topic, and it's evident having to make a decision against what you believed started a strong conflict within yourself.

 

You need to forgive yourself. From what you say it's unlikely that you'll find anyone to listen to you in your real life. Their forgiveness and understanding would help, but knowing they'd disapprove makes it that much worse. I'd encourage you to search online for a support group. It's usually the people who've been in your shoes who are the most able to help. I'm also sure there are women in your tough situation - they were pro life and life put them in a tough place - and see how they dealt with it. You're dealing with much more than the grief from having the abortion.

Edited August 9, 2012 by cutedragon

[Adamgem]

I have tears rolling down my face reading your story. I can relate although I did have him come and hold my hand. He did tell me to keep the baby and he would support it. (I would have no way of knowing if this is true)...

 

I am thirty nine years old and have no children. That was the one decision that ripped me to shreds. I still cry when I think about it. Nothing or nobody or not any other pregnancy would ever replace that baby. Ever.

 

I never knew what regret was until I did this. All of my friends told me I did the right thing. It was for the best. But it still destroys me when I think about it.

 

I think, but I am no expert, if it is possible to share your anger with him - I do not know if that would make you feel better or if it is even the right thing to do. I have certainly spoken to him about this many times.

 

On this I couldn't fault him. He was supportive either way but I do not trust.

 

You are certainly not alone.

[Ducky23]

You feel like you've let yourself down. Abortion is such a strong topic, and it's evident having to make a decision against what you believed started a strong conflict within yourself.

 

You need to forgive yourself. From what you say it's unlikely that you'll find anyone to listen to you in your real life. Their forgiveness and understanding would help, but knowing they'd disapprove makes it that much worse. I'd encourage you to search online for a support group. It's usually the people who've been in your shoes who are the most able to help. I'm also sure there are women in your tough situation - they were pro life and life put them in a tough place - and see how they dealt with it. You're dealing with much more than the grief from having the abortion.

 

You made me cry. Not in a bad way. But because you're right. I compromised my own beliefs and values because of the situation I put myself in. It's not even that life handed me a crappy deal. Our A was going for 6 months at that time. I repeatedly allowed it to go on. For multiple reasons. Had I been stronger, had I not cared about losing him.. I could have easily flipped him the bird, carried the baby, and dealt with the consequences. I wanted that baby. Regardless of everything else.. I love my children. I wouldn't give them up for anything. But I was vulnerable. In so many ways. But mostly through my own actions. I believe that it's that.. Knowing those things. Being willing to be brutally honest and take full responsibility within myself.. That's not who I was. Through the duration of the A, I became some monster I always swore I would never become. And not until it was over did I look at the whole thing and realize how absolutely f***ed up everything had become. Hindsight is 20/20. And I think it's because of that that I have the self-loathing I do.

[seren]

Ducky, so sorry you are going through such a hard time, I had an abortion when I was just 13, I had been SA and my parents made the decision for me. I am now 55yrs and I still grieve for the person my baby might have been. I think that the 'getting over' it when it happened, happened too fast for you, it is natural that the one year anniversary will make you feel bereft. It is natural to grieve, no matter what the circumstances were, you have experienced a loss, allow yourself to grieve, speak to a support group. I planted a tree in rememberance of my child, it, for me, just marks their passing.

 

I see you and the MM are no longer in a relationship, TBH, I wouldn't contact him, if he was thinking of you and 1 year ago, he would get in touch. if you did get in touch and he was dismissive or not feeling the same way as you it might be taken on board as a rejection of your loss and of your feelings. Do you really need to open ths can of worms? especially when you are feeling this way.

 

There are support groups online and of course there is LS. I hope you get support here and not a litany of projection or attack. be kind to yourself, take time to remember and acknowledge your loss and spend time with your child. Take care of you Ducky. seren xx

[Ducky23]

Adamgem.. I am 23 years old. I have 3 children. I have been married for 7.5 years and separated for 6. I love all of my children. I have never once thought "I wish I didn't have (any child)." But I have thought constantly "what if.." what if I had that baby? How different would my life be? For better or worse, it would not have mattered I think. My xMM's neighbor is 60. She is the only other living soul I have found in my own real life who had an abortion, has no children, and regrets it every single day. And I cannot go visit her. Because I do not trust myself that I would be able to keep NC if I saw him. Leaving was my decision. Not his. And I believe that to have him back, all I would have to do is ask. I do not want that. I feel as though my life has spiraled out of control and is no longer in my hands. I want to be in control of my life. My future. So the one person I could cry with and talk to.. Is unavailable.

[Birdgirl25]

My heart breaks for you! Know that I'm thinking of you and hoping you get through this!

[goodthingscome]

Just wanted you to know you are heard, and hope you forgive yourself. Have you tried to find a support group?

 

Take care (hugs)

[alexandria35]

Ducky...I have been there. Many years ago I had an abortion and at the time I had always been very pro-life as well. I had been raised by parents who were pro-life and they felt that abortion was no different than walking up to a person on the street and taking their life. I was taught to feel the same way so imagine my horror and my inner conflict over having done something like that. It was unbearable pain and self-hatred. I can't begin to put into words what I went through for a few years afterwards but it was truly the darkest 3 or 4 years of my life. I never spoke to a single soul about it. Somehow I just worked it out myself and after several years I was able to let go of the self hatred but looking back I wish more than anything I had spoken to a counsellor or therapist about it as soon as the bad feelings started. Not only did the whole experience rob me of a few years of my life, it robbed everyone close to me because my inner pain and loathing deeply affected all of my relationships. I was emotionally checked out from everyone.

 

Ducky I think it's good that you are talking about it here. My experience was before the days of the internet so I couldn't even reach out in cyber space. So I'm glad you at least brought it up here but I think it would do you even better to find someone in real life to talk to. If you are already in therapy then definitely tell your therapist ASAP. Even if she/he doesn't fully understand at least you can unburden yourself and talk it out. I wish I had. Ducky self hatred does no good for anyone. It doesn't undo the past and when you hate yourself you can't really be there for anyone else. You might feel that you deserve to hate yourself, but you don't and more importantly your kids and family don't deserve a mother or relative who hates herself. Please talk it out and let it go so you can get on with life and be the person you really are. Good luck to you.

[mercy]

To Ducky and to others.

 

My daughter was pregnant and she was filled with joy. Till one appointment and the doctor told her she had a blighted ovum, everything but the baby formed. She was going to have to have a procedure done.

 

She came to me crying. She was devastated. I asked her what do you think the baby would have been, a girl she cried. Well, I asked what she would have named her, Daisy, she said. Ok, well Daisy is with God, surrounded in His love, cared for, loved and floating on a cloud. Perfectly formed, blessed by His love. Surrounded by angels. She'd be there waiting for her, at the gates of heaven. Waving at her from above. Her spirit felt in the sunrises and sunsets.

 

It's the same for all babies, born or unborn, they are in heaven in the hands of God. Smiling down from heaven.