It just never ends

[Tenacity]

This has gone on for so many years... and I am SO sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

 

I did make a post earlier about how the outcome of my many-year affair was that we were best friends. I have done everything I could do to make that work. It continues to be what he wants. It isn't what I want anymore.

 

I must be going through the stages of grief in some weird order. Because I am MAD now, and I haven't been before. I feel anger at him for lying to me, for telling me that I was "the one" and that he needed to get a divorce. I went through with the divorce, and he is still married.

 

Conveniently, he reconnected with his (strict, conservative) religion after we broke up. And that religion asked him to "love his wife" more than he loved himself. So he told me today that's what he is doing, despite all the wrong things in the marriage, because he thinks it is what God wants.

 

He truly believes this. I get that. But this was his religion that he was conveniently taking a vacation from when he was with me.

 

He lied to me. All the way through. He told me he was getting a divorce, and that's what I did. Now he is with his wife who he loves "more than he loves himself" because that's what the Bible says.

 

What about what the Bible said when he was with me?

 

To him it is simple. He just repents to the people in his religion and he is forgiven. What about me? And the daughter I had with him who died? What about that?

 

I have never been angry before, but now I am. The pain is gone.

 

He still wants to remain close friends. He called me today and said that he hesitates to talk about things before because he thinks "I will be cold to him".

 

Why would he care if I am "cold" to him, since he has his wonderful wife who he loves more than he loves himself?

 

I am so mad I am spitting nails. I haven't been this mad before or felt this disconnected before.

[MourningLosses]

I have up religion as a child but that IS how it works. You repent and you get a free pass. Kind of convenient if you believe it. Hence all the stories of deathbed conversions. I would be mad too!

[Artie Lang]

sorry, but you got "played." BIG TIME!

 

i think resentment and bitterness for his behavior is setting in.

[Tenacity]

sorry, but you got "played." BIG TIME!

 

i think resentment and bitterness for his behavior is setting in.

 

Thank you for your reply Artie. But you do not know my full story. Many here do.

[veryhappy]

Can you use the anger to move on?

 

No friendship. Is he kidding you? You waited, got divorced, had a child, lost a child, and he wants you to be warm and friendly? How about he gets his friendship needs met with his beloved wife?

[Artie Lang]

I have up religion as a child but that IS how it works. You repent and you get a free pass. Kind of convenient if you believe it.

 

i'm not religious by any means, but this is not true.

 

just because this coward hides behind his newfound religiousity doesn't mean you can make a blanket generalization like this. this guy is hiding behind religion as a way to justify his decision to stay with his wife.

 

he should man-up and tell OP that he either changed his mind, or never had the intention of leaving.

 

 

sounds like you gave up a lot. hope it was worth it.

Edited August 9, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Adamgem]

I really feel for you. I would be so angry too. How dare he do that to you? I have read elsewhere on the internet how many men use this religion as an excuse.... I find it utterly rotten.

 

I hope you get through this and move on to have a much better life.

[TaraMaiden]

this has gone on for so many years... And i am so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

 

...i am mad now, and i haven't been before. I feel anger at him for lying to me, for telling me that i was "the one" and that he needed to get a divorce. I went through with the divorce, and he is still married.

 

He lied to me. All the way through. .

 

I have never been angry before, but now i am. The pain is gone.

 

I am so mad i am spitting nails. I haven't been this mad before or felt this disconnected before.

 

Well it's about bloody time - !!!

[LiHai]

Hi Tenacity

 

Your story sounds identical to mine. My MM told me he loved me like he had never loved another. I left my hubby mainly because I knew that was right for me (not divorced though, in my country it is years after you separate before you can apply for a divorce!) and he 'attempted' to leave his wife multiple times. He was heavily religious (as is his wife) before our affair, during our affair he abandoned it under the whole 'I don't know if I believe anymore'. We too lost a baby and after all that he still tells me he loves me and cannot imagine life with me.

 

He tells me this is it, I'm finally leaving and goes to tell his wife, fails again and decides that his wife and family will come before his happiness. Now he is repenting his sins and he too wanted to be friends. No! You cannot string me along like that.

 

I've lost my best friend but I am not going to let this hurt continue and yeah - I too feel anger towards him!

[woinlove]

Tenacity, I am sorry you are still hurting, but I think it is good that you are feeling anger and realizing this "friendship" is not giving you the happiness you deserve. From your past posts, there are very, very good reasons to be angry at this man, so don't shy away from that anger. It can help you see more realistically how he treated you and that you deserve better. It may still feel like you are losing a friend to cut this man out of your life, but, really, he is not a friend and I doubt you can get onto a solid path to happiness while this man is in your life in any way. I hope you can see that now. There will still be pain, but if you cut this man out of your life, you can start filling the emptiness with more nurturing activities and people, and it will get better.

[alexandria35]

I wouldn't use this MM's actions as a reason to start attacking all religions and spiritual beliefs. As a person who was raised in a Christian household, I can say that this idea that some people have that Christians believe that they can do whatever they want and all will be fine and forgiven as soon as they say sorry, is completely false. Yes Christians believe in forgiveness but they certainly don't believe it gives them a free pass to be selfish assh*les in life. Perhaps some of you have met people who act like pricks who also call themselves Christians and who believe that they can hurt people because God will forgive them, but that is not the Christian philosophy at all.

 

Now if this OP's MM is still carrying on a secret friendship with her behind his wifes back, or if his wife knows of the friendship but has no knowledge of the affair, then he is still being a lying deceitful manipulative user. I don't know what religion he belongs to but whichever one it is, I doubt it would approve of his ongoing behavior. OP you are under no obligation to be friends with this man, and I don't think you two really are friends in the true sense. He is still manipulating you and you have a lot of anger and resentment towards him. It sounds like his attempts at saving his marriage and his religious beliefs sickens you, so how can you really be his friend. I don't think either one of you can really be a genuine friend to the other, given the circumstance and underlying issues. I think this is a friendship that really needs to end.

[chalkfarm]

Oh my dear Tenacity, I read your post about being friends with XMM and didn't reply, knowing that you needed to do what you needed to do.

 

Personally, I couldn't stand to be friends with my ex-married man for fear that I would hear and potentially see what yours has forced upon you. I can't imagine how being close to him but not "having" him must hurt. Having to hear that he is trying to recommit to his wife..... It would make me physically sick to my stomach.

 

It seems to me that you have SO much to grieve right now. The loss of a marriage, the loss of a child, and the loss of the man you loved. That is devastating. The fact that you can put one foot in front of the other is a testament to your fortitude and strength.

 

If you are angry right now, that's fine. You have ever right! Anger is very proactive in the face of such losses and it isn't necessarily crippling like so many of the feelings involved in lost affairs can be. I think there is some strength in anger too.

 

I know that you are a strong, smart, capable woman. You will prevail. The waters will calm.

 

Isn't it funny that there are some posters that you would really like to give a big hug to? I wish I could give you a hug and let you be angry and cry and wail.....

 

Much love to you Ms. Ten.

[MourningLosses]

Maybe he is all about what he wants, or maybe he too is scrounging for what he needs from what his wife will let him have. If he doesn't want to get divorced (and I can understand that) then he may be trying to at least have you in his life. I would do the same. I thought my friend would always fight to have me in his life somehow but he isn't right now. But that too may just not be possible for him right now.

[UpwardForward]

Marriage is God's and it supposed to be sacred and sanctified.

 

I wouldn't know whether or not he is truly repentant - or just using God and Christianity as an excuse.

 

IMO, the fact remains, whether Christian or not: When he stepped outside his M to another woman, he sinned against God, against his wife, M/family, and against you.

 

To allow oneself to be a participant of any kind of an emotional R with a married person - is as jumping into the fire.

[Emme]

I would have to say the pain that I see women go through on this board with such despair is painful at times. I don't know how to let pain consume my entire being to the point where it cripples me. I rely on my faith to keep me strong, but I also find the will. I fight every day and make the choice to move forward. Some people do die from heartbreak. You have to fight to get your life back. You've allowed this man to be your world and I can see you are at a stand still. You have to push Tenacity. I'm telling you, you have to make the choice to move forward and find the strength. Right now I know you feel stuck... there is nothing to look forward to. I'm telling you there is.

 

Picture yourself trying to cross the street. This man has crippled you to the point where you have no sight. Even though you might be blind, you still have your ears. I want you to use them. If you have no hearing and no sight use the vibrations of the vehicles going by to guide you. There is always a way to move forward. That's how you have to live your life. I know you lost a child and I am so sorry for your loss. I don't want to go there but I know that your child would not have wanted this for you. No one that loves you would. This relationship with this married man is toxic. Find the will to break free, completely. Choose to live, it's time.

[Tenacity]

I am just at a loss for words.

 

Thank you guys so much. I don't know how you keep giving the same excellent advice over and over to people like me who take so long to "get" it. Please know that it is sinking in.

 

Seriously, if there is an award for the one person on this particular forum who has been in the same place for the longest time, trying to do the same things over and over with a slightly different slant to get a different result (definition of insanity), I must be the grand-prize winner.

 

I know I said in my first post that the hurt was gone - but it isn't. It's still there. The anger is too, though, and I feel a sense of clarity that hasn't ever been there for me. I will channel the anger in a positive way.

 

I just Cannot.Continue.To.Live.Like.This. Really, it is to the point that I will probably die if I continue. I know I have to find the strength. It's just hard, living in a place away from all family and friends and a place I dislike (and no, I can't leave without giving up shared custody of my children). It would be easier if there were a support system, but I have nothing except what looks like endless dreary days and no light at the end of the tunnel. I do know that there must be light there though.

[Fitz]

Why affairs are like being double crossed in a heist movie:

 

Why Affairs Are Like Being Double-Crossed In A Heist | Baggage Reclaim

 

A good read.

[TaraMaiden]

It would be easier if there were a support system, but I have nothing except what looks like endless dreary days and no light at the end of the tunnel. I do know that there must be light there though.

 

Good Morning.

Welcome to the Official Loveshack Survivor's Support System.

 

There is no fee, no queue, no priority, no waiting list, no gender Bias, no preferential treatment and no judgement.

 

(Well, ok, i lied about that one, but you can use the ignore option. )

 

Requirements are that you first post.

 

That's it.

You'll soon see what an excellent support system LS provides.

 

Unfortunately, you will still have to do the leg-work yourself.

 

But walking's always made more pleasurable, when you have a hiking companion.

 

Or two.

 

Or three.....

[Spark1111]

tenacity, I am so happy you have gotten to anger. And I have read every bit of your heart-breaking story.

 

Anger will galvanize you to act in ways that are healthy and protective of you!

 

Make new friends and cut the cord with this unempathetic, self-centered blankety blank blank!

 

He is still using you; your kindness, friendship and conversation to help bolster what a good Christian he now is.

 

His psyche is saying, "See? Tenacity is my friend and she has also forgiven me my transgressions, so I am a righteous man now."

 

Now he is using both you and God and his new found transformation as his next ego trip to garner attention.

 

Hey, God may forgive him, but you sure do not have to.

[Emme]

Good Morning.

Welcome to the Official Loveshack Survivor's Support System.

 

 

 

Amen to that! If this isn't a support group I don't what is.

 

Tenacity, its time to make a list. It's time for you to write down what you want in life. Set up a plan to make it a reality. Post the list here on LS so you won't forget the promises you made to yourself. Your wants and needs. Lets check them off the list one by one. It's all about baby steps. You can do it.