I want to survive the nightmare of husband's emotional affairs, do you think I can?

[veronese]

I'm new here so bear with me if I ramble...

 

Three months ago I discovered that my "wonderful", husband had been seeing three other women at lunch-times fairly regularly for years. I would never have believed he could do this. He was one of those 'nice guys', everybody likes him, he's gorgeous looking, gentle, and although I knew women were attracted to him I always felt secure that he would never be tempted sufficiently to risk our marriage and our family.

 

Well he did. I went into shock for several weeks, but we have talked and talked about these 'emotional affairs' at length ever since. He wasn't forthcoming with information, but I explained that if we had any hope of getting through the nightmare, his honesty was vital.

 

He says nothing sexual occurred, although confessed to mutual attractions and flirtations. He didn't think I would ever find out, being the trusting doting wife that I am. He was taking me for granted, he believed he was such a wonderful husband and father (he was/is) that providing I was happy and he behave himself, his little secrets weren't damaging our marriage.

 

He was wrong. He did become more distant over time, detached, moody and critical, while still being sufficiently nice to keep me from suspecting.

 

His lies and betrayal have been so hard to come to terms with. He isn't who I thought he was after all. Everything I believed in was not real. How could he risk breaking up our family like that? He is a hands on father, sharing the child care, and our home life has always been the envy of many of our friends.

 

He broke off contact with these women. He doesn't want to lose me. We have been communicating so much better since this happened, even though I was under the impression that we always had been - I had been doing all the talking before and thought that by always tackling issues as we went along, any problems or niggles could be ironed out before they became real issues between us. I believed him when he said he wouldn't cheat on me like so many of my friends husbands were beginning to do.

 

We're working at it. Three months on I'm making progress and much stronger, I want our marriage to work but am realistic now about the odds. I will not remain in it if my insecure feelings and doubts continue. I had never checked up on him in 16 years, I do not want to continue doing so indefinitely. I don't want to feel pangs of jealousy whenever a woman comes near, but now I know he is perfectly capable of desiring someone enough to actively pursue a friendship/relationship with them. I know these women didn't intrude on our home life whatsoever, that he wasn't smitten with them, he phoned them when he was bored while driving from job to job during his working day.

 

What do you think then guys? So far he really has been reassuring. He's been patient and understanding of my psychotic mood swings. We've talked honestly, painful though it has been. If this is a performance he deserves an Oscar! He deserved one for the past few years of lies and secrets!

 

Should I trust him? Could he be so arrogant that he genuinely believes he could do this again? Is he genuinely shaken by the situation he put himself in, where he had to face the possibility of losing us? I know that lots of men just get a second cell phone when they've been found out - I know they often wait for the dust to settle then carry on. If he put me through this again he would be a cruel cruel man indeed.

 

Shall I keep going???

[BettyBoo]

Yes I think you should continue to do exactly what you are doing now by having open comminication with him.

 

It seems from what you are saying that he was not sexually unfaithful to you. I am curious as to why he kept these friendships from you?. He probably was afraid of your reaction. However I would want to know why he kept them secret? How did you discover these relationships anyhow?

 

I think you are right to be cautious though if he has activley pursued women because of attraction that is a different matter. I do believe in platonic friendships between people. One of my best friends is a married man and I am great friends with all his family including his wife.

 

I think it would be foolish to throw away what seems like a perfectly good relationship. FInd out why he pursued these women? Was he bored? Does your relationship need a bit of freshening up? Set down some groundrules around freindships with people of the opposite sex. If he finds himself in need of having female plantonic friends insist on meeting them and don't be excluded.

 

Good luck with it anyway and remember don't sweat the small stuff you may have just caught this in time so get to the bottom of it now...

[sally1530]

My ex-finac was caught emailing 3 different gals and asking for naked pictures from them.... he also had his picture and profile on lavalife.com in the intimate encounters area, which is asking for sex... he was doing this our entire 14 month relationship, even after I moved in with him and one month before the wedding... it was devistating... I have a great body, mind and a genuine, honest, caring person... His family and friends loved me and knew I was the best thing that ever came into his life and he blew it...because he couldnt be faithful..he said he didnt cross the emotional or phyical line with any of these girls yet and that he was doing this out of curiousity...but him and I met online on match.com so he knew about online websites and this one for looking for sex period, we had a great sex life at home... it was awsome... but he needed more than one women to be interested in him, he was a player... and let me tell you he did get a academy award for his performance... he fooled me totally and everyone else... nobody saw it coming...if I have learned anything, is that cheaters are great liers... period.... they can look you in the face and lie to you everyday... its a art for them... its sick. My advice.. be careful...... I hope things work out for you.

[Azeele]

Originally posted by sally1530

..he said he didnt cross the emotional or phyical line with any of these girls yet and that he was doing this out of curiousity...but him and I met online on match.com so he knew about online websites and this one for looking for sex period, we had a great sex life at home... it was awsome... but he needed more than one women to be interested in him, he was a player... and let me tell you he did get a academy award for his performance... he fooled me totally and everyone else... nobody saw it coming...if I have learned anything, is that cheaters are great liers... period.... they can look you in the face and lie to you everyday... its a art for them... its sick. My advice.. be careful...... I hope things work out for you.

 

 

I agree with Sally. Sometimes these guys can be sooooo smooth and convincing and lying the whole time. I'm not saying you have one of those there, but be careful. I've seen the other side of it. I was the OW - unknowingly - I knew he was married - but - he had me convinced he was separated and divorcing but was telling his wife something completely different. He had told me I was the "love of his life" and that soon, very soon, we would be together and married. Despite what he tells you, you have no idea what he's been telling these other women, unless you talk to them. I would suggest - instead of no contact with them - that he invite one of his "friends" over for dinner with you and him. Suggest they invite their husbands/bfs. Be open and friendly towards them and then watch his reaction. If he balks at the thought of you and her in the same room together having small talk over dinner, then you may have a cheater on your hands. And, even if he does agree to have them over/ go out for dinner, you should be able to tell once they are all in the same room if there is anything going on. He might be right - it may be just a friendship - and then seeing them interact might put your mind at ease. Hopefully, that's all it is.

 

In my situation, once the wife found out that her husband was talking to me he denied that I was more than just a casual friend - even after we had slept together. She did the same thing you did - told him to cut off all contact with me - which, he didn't. Swap stories with these women. See what's really going on. You know the saying: keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

[deesgirl]

I'm kind of going through what you are right now.

 

This is my opinion. If they can hide things and lie for years, what makes them trustworthy now? Getting caught?

 

I think my H is going through a MLC (mid life crisis). Could your H be going through something as well? It seems like my H is really into impressing other people at the moment and more interested in other women than I've ever seen him.

 

He has always been known as a moral, faithful person. We were looked at as two people that were so happy and in love even after being married for years. My friends and his are shocked. I've never found out that he has slept with anyone, but his actions say he has or is leading up to it.

 

He is also a very loving attentive person to me. He said to me pretty much what your H said to you, that he didn't appreciate what he had but now he does. Then I will find out something new and wonder if everything is a lie.

 

Just keep your eyes open and good luck to you.

[teressa0397]

Originally posted by veronese

I'm new here so bear with me if I ramble...

 

Three months ago I discovered that my "wonderful", husband had been seeing three other women at lunch-times fairly regularly for years. I would never have believed he could do this. He was one of those 'nice guys', everybody likes him, he's gorgeous looking, gentle, and although I knew women were attracted to him I always felt secure that he would never be tempted sufficiently to risk our marriage and our family.

 

Well he did. I went into shock for several weeks, but we have talked and talked about these 'emotional affairs' at length ever since. He wasn't forthcoming with information, but I explained that if we had any hope of getting through the nightmare, his honesty was vital.

 

He says nothing sexual occurred, although confessed to mutual attractions and flirtations. He didn't think I would ever find out, being the trusting doting wife that I am. He was taking me for granted, he believed he was such a wonderful husband and father (he was/is) that providing I was happy and he behave himself, his little secrets weren't damaging our marriage.

 

He was wrong. He did become more distant over time, detached, moody and critical, while still being sufficiently nice to keep me from suspecting.

 

His lies and betrayal have been so hard to come to terms with. He isn't who I thought he was after all. Everything I believed in was not real. How could he risk breaking up our family like that? He is a hands on father, sharing the child care, and our home life has always been the envy of many of our friends.

 

He broke off contact with these women. He doesn't want to lose me. We have been communicating so much better since this happened, even though I was under the impression that we always had been - I had been doing all the talking before and thought that by always tackling issues as we went along, any problems or niggles could be ironed out before they became real issues between us. I believed him when he said he wouldn't cheat on me like so many of my friends husbands were beginning to do.

 

We're working at it. Three months on I'm making progress and much stronger, I want our marriage to work but am realistic now about the odds. I will not remain in it if my insecure feelings and doubts continue. I had never checked up on him in 16 years, I do not want to continue doing so indefinitely. I don't want to feel pangs of jealousy whenever a woman comes near, but now I know he is perfectly capable of desiring someone enough to actively pursue a friendship/relationship with them. I know these women didn't intrude on our home life whatsoever, that he wasn't smitten with them, he phoned them when he was bored while driving from job to job during his working day.

 

What do you think then guys? So far he really has been reassuring. He's been patient and understanding of my psychotic mood swings. We've talked honestly, painful though it has been. If this is a performance he deserves an Oscar! He deserved one for the past few years of lies and secrets!

 

Should I trust him? Could he be so arrogant that he genuinely believes he could do this again? Is he genuinely shaken by the situation he put himself in, where he had to face the possibility of losing us? I know that lots of men just get a second cell phone when they've been found out - I know they often wait for the dust to settle then carry on. If he put me through this again he would be a cruel cruel man indeed.

 

Shall I keep going???

no don"t believe him he will do it again; since he has been fooling around he will keep it up; he will let you believe he true to you and lieing right to your face; i have went threw this i no how men are they are scum bags; he done it once he will do it again believe me;

[Amandy]

Just pray to God to give you strength and to guide you both. I know you must be soooooooo hurt. I think emotional cheating can be worse than physical, because at least with something physical it can be just that and nothing more.

 

I think it is good you guys are trying to work things out. And he is going to have to put up with you not trusting him. He did break your trust and he and you may have to face the realistic truth you may not be able to trust him as completely as you once did.

[jmargel]

Teressa,

 

Not all of us 'men' are scumbags. There are good & sinful people, both men and women. You might be feeling sour because of what happened but please don't generalize a whole sex into one category.

[veronese]

thanks for all your kind words.

 

I'm finding it so hard to trust him, going ober all old phone records. I just don't know how much to believe anymore.

 

WIll write more later in the week, but please please keep your comments coming. I really appreciate them

 

I want my marriage to work so badly, and so far he's been wonderfully supportive, but this trust issue?? I know it'll take time, but I HAVE to be able to trust him again one day, otherwise it just won't work. His ability to lie about all this makes me realise that lies come failry easily to the smooth talking b------rd!

 

Talk soon x

[Sohurt]

Its amazing how many of us have gone through the same thing. I can't believe how many women and men experience the same, not identical but same pain.

 

I myself trying to save my marriage because of a womanizing Husband. Trying to understand what went wrong, and what can I do to make it better. It seems to unreal.

 

Whats a person to do when in love. Trying to make a marriage work trying to trust again knowing that he or she might be weaving us into another web of lies by forgiving them and starting over with new hopes? why do we do it. Is it because the heart only understands love? It hurts us so much to be cheated on and getting lied to but yet we cant wait until it we make up and feel loved again?

 

What do u guys think

[sally1530]

I found out my husband to be was cheating online a month before the wedding, he cancelled the wedding, made me move out the next day, asked for the ring back , I gave it to him and then he wanted me to pay 1/2 the wedding costs..... hates me now and its been 3 months of pain.

[deesgirl]

Well, with me there is a struggle going on inside. On the one hand, I want to move on, trust him, and have my life back. I want to be a forgiving person and realise that everyone makes mistakes.

 

On the other hand, I don't want to be a fool and end up being hurt again.

[veronese]

You know deesgirl, what you say is exactly how i feel. I also want to move on and put this behind me, but i'm so scared. I'm scared of being foolish too, to be prepared to forgive and trust him again.

 

To have gone through the last few months and discover that he has continued to deceive me would be so hard to understand. I want to believe him because the alternative is just to sickening to imagine. I know that such men exist, men who don't want to let their wives yet despite their best intentions, are too pathetic to stay faithful. He has proven to me that he enjoys female attention, he needed to have his ego boosted despite the fact that he was constantly being praised and admired by not only me, but my mother, father, family, friends - even complete strangers!

 

Since this happened I've begun to realise just how damaged he is, he had a horrible childhood which I won't bore you with right now, and although I knew a lot about it, he didn't open enough to me to show me how dangerous the repercussions could be.

 

I'm also worried that I will be the one to want to call it a day. I'm worried that he won't be able to be the husband I need. I put up with all his little moods before, I tolerated the fact that I was much more giving and attentive to him than he was to me, I ignored the fact that I sometimes felt neglected and unappreciated. In the last few months before I found out I'd become unhappy with my life, I've always been prepared to make sacrifices in life as any wife and mother does, but when I started to watch him more closely I noticed that when he came through the door at night he didn't give me a big smile, he didn't even look at me very much, not eye to eye. When I passed him something I'd be looking at him, but he wasn't looking back. I wanted something more, even though I apparently had it all already.

 

I wondered if I was going mad, whether I was too demanding, whether I was an idiot not to be contented with such a perfect specimen of a man, after all becoming a single mother like some of my friends didn't seem exactly tempting!

 

I now know that I do deserve more, I don't want to go back to the marriage I had before. My needs are important too, i need to be with a man who truly loves me as much as i love him. He's doing really well so far, but I seriously wonder if he is even capable of loving anyone so completely, whether he can love me so entirely. Why will he love me so much now, now that I am a weird, neurotic, suspicious and emotional wife, when he obviously didn't love me so much when I was so giving? I'm not stupid so I can see that the odds aren't good!

 

I get so sad when I think about the reality of our situation, that we very possibly will end up separating one day. Are we going to be able to make this work? I don't know, I really don't. But I appreciate it will take a long time, and a lot of effort on both our parts. I wonder if he'll get fed up with it. I've explained that the hurt he has caused cannot just be wiped away and that i want it to go away more than he does! He seems to understand that he caused it and I'm not deliberately being insecure and suspicious and that I'm being remarkably bloody amazing to even want to try! I'm still very loving towards him and am honest when I'm having a bad day. I'm quite proud of the progress I've made so far, I'm surprised at how forgiving I am actually.

 

Time will tell won't it.....

 

How long ago did you find out deesgirl?

 

I agree that mid-life crisis is part of it - the rest could be just the inadequacy of men and their emotions - do they even have any??

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by sally1530

I found out my husband to be was cheating online a month before the wedding, he cancelled the wedding, made me move out the next day, asked for the ring back , I gave it to him and then he wanted me to pay 1/2 the wedding costs..... hates me now and its been 3 months of pain.

 

Ouch. He's DEFINETLY a scumbag....aren't you glad you didn't marry him? I was always under the impression if HE broke off the engagement you kept the ring. I would have pawned it and gone on a cruise.

[veronese]

I thought I should give a little background - it may be useful to someone else!

 

Two of my friends discovered their husbands had been cheating on them and like me, they didn't believe it possible. It made me wonder if I was being a little naive to think it couldn't happen to me, especially as my husband is very attractive. I'm not boasting, it's just the fact. Why should he be any different?

 

I checked his cell phone for numbers maybe 6 times over the year. The numbers meant nothing to me as he has to use the phone a lot at work. Nothing suspicious stood out, no strange messages, just a bunch of numbers.

 

I didn't see his itemized bill ever, which was suspicious, and he only seemed to have messages from me and the children on the phone, even though he'd mentioned he'd received one maybe from a friend.

 

One night I zoned in on one particular number which wasn't identifiable, so I asked him whose it was - his manner made me suspicious, he looked so uncomfortable. The more I asked, the more worried I became, his attitude was not reassuring, either he was lying or he was just useless at understanding my feelings.

 

By the morning I was very concerned, but thought that i was possibly becoming slightly deranged to be so suspicious and distrustful - I thought I may be losing the plot!

 

By 11.00a.m he confessed to the first one. My world crumbled.

 

A few days later I threw in a name of another old girlfriend, and he confessed to seeing her too. I asked if there were any more? Yes, he said, one more!

 

I have spoken to all three and they were all consistent in that they were just his friend. Two of them tried to blame me for his secrecy, saying he couldn't tell me because he knew I'd react like that. None were apologetic despite my obvious distress. He hadn't told me because he knew that his behaviour was inappropriate and dishonest. He enjoyed the secrecy, he enjoyed the flirting and thrill of their attentions. He justified it to himself because he didn't perceive them to be serious or threatening to our marriage. They weren't involved sexually (apparently), so he had relatively clear conscience.

 

I have asked so many questions about these women, and he has given me their names, their location, their children's names/ages, their jobs, their styles, their likes/dislikes, their ages, their birthdays - he told me a lot over the weeks and months.

 

With the information he gave me I have since found out their addresses and home phone numbers. I have been and looked at their homes, but haven't contacted them personally. I was tempted to tell the husband of one of them, but decided against it. I was tempted to visit them to talk further, but I don't think at this stage it would be beneficial to me. I don't want to bring them back into our lives, and don't want to lower myself to their level. They have no morals to have become close to my husband and although I fantasize about various acts of revenge, I know they are not worth the effort.

 

I have spent hours studying the phone records that he had from 1998-2002. I discovered that the relationships had been going on longer than he'd initially admitted to. I have confronted him with further numbers I had doubts about, and between us we have identified them. He's been incredibly patient, but occasionally has tired of my investigations. I've told him that I need to turn over every stone now, so that I don't keep coming back to it in the future. He seems to understand, but when I told him I knew where they lived he was definitely irritated. I told him I knew because I wanted to be honest with him, but I also said I was pleased that I didn't feel the need to confront them. He felt that i was using the information as a threat, which I honestly wasn't, so we had to thrash that one out a few weeks ago.

 

It's must be hard for him, but it's a lot harder for me. He has caused the situation and genuinely seems sorry for causing me so much distress. So long as we continue to work through this together, we have hope. I want to stop checking the old records, but I need to do it. If I hadn't checked in the first place I'd never have found any of this out. I worry that there were others before, and that he has only confessed to those he was in contact with when I found out. He could have decided to hide previous relationships in the belief that I could never find out - but he may have just underestimated my investigative skills! I'm really very good at it, I've surprised even myself!

 

So that's the background, I promise not to write such long messages from now on! But on a positive note I am much happier now in many ways, our relationship has improved a lot. We've been taking time out together, day trip to the coast, visit to a museum, a short break in Italy. We also went back to Italy with the children recently and enjoyed a practically perfect week together as a family. It reminded me of what feeling happy was like, and it was soooo good!

 

This isn't a case of me wanting to kiss and make up, that I have accepted my lot and am another silly woman who will tolerate anything to hold on to her man. I'm trying to get through this, I don't know if I can. But if he lets me down again I will have no hesitation in calling it a day. I'm not an idiot, I do have some pride! This is his chance, his only chance, and he is well aware of that. He's got to hang to me, not the other way round!!

 

I hope that all your pain is easing a little and things are beginning to improve.

 

Remember that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger....

[vanandme4him]

the first thing you need to do is decide whether or not you REALLY want your marriage to continue. Are you in it to fix it and try to be that loving couple again? Or have you already decided you can never trust him again and are just hanging on because in the future you MIGHT feel different?

 

if you really want to make it work....squash it. forget it. never throw it in his face. when the thoughts and insecurities come back to your mind...IMMEDIATELY block them out. If you are going to forgive him, FORGIVE HIM...wholeheartedly, blindly. Don't harbor a grudge, don't let it hang like a dark cloud over your marriage.

 

If he messes up again...then....it's time to move on, but if you really want to try to work it out....give it your all. k?

[jmargel]

You two really need to see a marriage councilor. Driving by these women's homes is just not right. You are not taking all of this in a good way and it's affecting you mentally. Please try to find a counselor this week.

[deesgirl]

Veronese, My situation isn't the same as yours, but close. Your emotions sound so much like mine.

 

Almost two years ago I found out he went to a strip club and recieved lap dances. To me that was cheating and it's when I knew there were problems. A few months after that, I found out he had taken a few different customers a ride on the motorcycle. One of these women is an escort. This escort dated a former employee of ours but continued to hang around work even after the employee quit. H said that she would come up there because she had a crush on my brother-in-law at that time, but guess what? After he quit, she continued to come up to work. I confronted her but she isn't fessing up, if anything did happen between them.

 

I found out the the 'customer bike rides' had been going on for about three years (with different women). He says they would just ask for a ride and he would drive around the block.

 

I feel like if everything was so innocent, he would have told me all of this without me finding out on my own. Now I feel like I don't know who he is. That he can continue lying to me and I won't know unless I stumble upon the truth.

 

He answered my questions for awhile, but now he won't talk about any of it. So I hold it in and the pain and anger won't go away.

 

 

Sorry this is so long. I think if you can be happy and let it go, do it. You will be a much happier person. Maybe I feel like I'm protecting my heart by holding on to all these things, but am I really when I'm hurting all the time?

 

((((HUGS)))) to you. I hope you and your H are able to work it all out.

[veonese]

Originally posted by vanandme4him

 

the first thing you need to do is decide whether or not you REALLY want your marriage to continue. Are you in it to fix it and try to be that loving couple again? Or have you already decided you can never trust him again and are just hanging on because in the future you MIGHT feel different?

 

if you really want to make it work....squash it. forget it. never throw it in his face. when the thoughts and insecurities come back to your mind...IMMEDIATELY block them out. If you are going to forgive him, FORGIVE HIM...wholeheartedly, blindly. Don't harbor a grudge, don't let it hang like a dark cloud over your marriage.

 

If he messes up again...then....it's time to move on, but if you really want to try to work it out....give it your all. k?

 

 

Easier said than done though. It's only been a few months and the shock was severe. I physically couldn't cope for several weeks, and mentally am obviously still not stable.

 

Attempting to put this behind us does not mean we necessarily will. I cannot promise anything and would be unrealistic to do so. My hopes are that the day will come when I can bury it once and for all, but that day isn't here yet.

 

Do you really think it would be healthy to squash my fears today rather than work through them?

 

The aim is to reach that point but if it doesn't come then the marriage won't be a healthy one. I have actually forgiven him so much already, but can you blame me for being scared? I trusted him totally, unconditionally, 100 per cent. I can only move on once I have come to terms with it. I am not harboring any grudges, and have been tactful in our conversations (apart from that first month!). I don't get accusatory but need to understand why and how this happened so it doesn't happen again.

 

I'm trying to do my best but I can't switch off the pain and betrayal. He's so easy to love but how he has been behaving portrays a less likeable character, the type of person I can't abide.

 

I know we're all human and make mistakes, but he continued living a lie for many years and with more than one woman. It's all so confusing, but I do take your point as I have no intention to become bitter and twisted.

 

QUOTE: You two really need to see a marriage councillor. Driving by these women's homes is just not right. You are not taking all of this in a good way and it's affecting you mentally. Please try to find a counselor this week. QUOTE

 

 

Why wasn't it right to take a look at where they live? Seeing their homes wasn't distressing for me, it just helped me get a better picture of them. They have had an insight into my marriage/family/life and more importantly have been sharing their thoughts and feelings with my husband. I knew nothing about them. I don't want to see them though. I also feel more in control knowing that should they come near us again, not only will my marriage be over, but I will have the choice to confront them.

 

They enjoyed themselves and became attached to my husband, yet I am the one feeling the pain. Their lives continued unscathed. Don't you think that my decision not to seek revenge after all they have done is very fortunate for them? There have been no repercussions for them and I'm fine with that. Tell me why you think it was so wrong?

 

I appreciate any advice.

 

Initially I had wanted to tell the husband and one of my friends (who is also coping with betrayal) told me to go ahead and wreck her marriage. Later on I spoke to another friend who advised me to let it go. I was reluctant to damage any more children's lives and her advice was just what i needed to hear.

 

I know i'm not taking this well - I agree that it is affecting me mentally. Is that so strange? It's not a pleasant state of mind I agree, but do you think my reaction is unusual?

 

I have felt that all these emotions, and there have been so many, are a natural part of the process. I can see how much progress I have made already, I am more positive and calmer. I still have bad days but they aren't so frequent. I can't help feeling like this though, he broke my heart.

 

If I hadn't loved him so much I think it would have been easier. If I had thought him to be a liar and a cheat, I wouldn't have been so shocked.

 

I suggested counselling and he got a number for Relate, but I left it to him to arrange - he hasn't. I think it would be a good idea though, maybe i should arrange it. However we have taken advice from information on the net and we've been tackling issues along the way in a quite unexpected way, we've been so calm about so much.

 

There have been times when I've felt that what I was about to say or do could result in him running for the hills, but i haven't held back because of that fear. If he runs, he runs. If how I am behaving pisses him off then so be it - I will not apologize for my pain.

 

It's not my intention but if I need to tackle a difficult subject I am only doing so in order to work through this. I have apologizes for being so weird, but then remember why I am weird.

 

Tell me what you think - have you personal experience of infidelity? This is my first time so I'm kind of floundering!

 

All your thoughts, experiences and advice are incredibly helpful, thanks.

[veronese]

Originally posted by vanandme4him

 

the first thing you need to do is decide whether or not you REALLY want your marriage to continue. Are you in it to fix it and try to be that loving couple again? Or have you already decided you can never trust him again and are just hanging on because in the future you MIGHT feel different?

 

if you really want to make it work....squash it. forget it. never throw it in his face. when the thoughts and insecurities come back to your mind...IMMEDIATELY block them out. If you are going to forgive him, FORGIVE HIM...wholeheartedly, blindly. Don't harbor a grudge, don't let it hang like a dark cloud over your marriage.

 

If he messes up again...then....it's time to move on, but if you really want to try to work it out....give it your all. k?

 

 

Easier said than done though. It's only been a few months and the shock was severe. I physically couldn't cope for several weeks, and mentally am obviously still not stable.

 

Attempting to put this behind us does not mean we necessarily will. I cannot promise anything and would be unrealistic to do so. My hopes are that the day will come when I can bury it once and for all, but that day isn't here yet. Do you really think it would be healthy to squash my fears today rather than work through them? The aim is to reach that point but if it doesn't come then the marriage won't be a healthy one. I have actually forgiven him so much already, but can you blame me for being scared? I trusted him totally, unconditionally, 100 per cent. I can only move on once I have come to terms with it. I am not harboring any grudges, and have been tactful in our conversations (apart from that first month!). I don't get accusatory but need to understand why and how this happened so it doesn't happen again.

 

I'm trying to do my best but I can't switch off the pain and betrayal. He's so easy to love but how he has been behaving portrays a less likeable character, the type of person I can't abide. I know we're all human and make mistakes, but he continued living a lie for many years and with more than one woman. It's all so confusing, but I do take your point as I have no intention to become bitter and twisted .

 

 

QUOTE: You two really need to see a marriage councillor. Driving by these women's homes is just not right. You are not taking all of this in a good way and it's affecting you mentally. Please try to find a counselor this week. QUOTE

 

 

Why wasn't it right to take a look at where they live? Seeing their homes wasn't distressing for me, it just helped me get a better picture of them. They have had an insight into my marriage/family/life and more importantly have been sharing their thoughts and feelings with my husband. I knew nothing about them. I don't want to see them though. I also feel more in control knowing that should they come near us again, not only will my marriage be over, but I will have the choice to confront them. They enjoyed themselves and became attached to my husband, yet I am the one feeling the pain. Their lives continued unscathed. Don't you think that my decision not to seek revenge after all they have done is very fortunate for them? There have been no repercussions for them and I'm fine with that. Tell me why you think it was so wrong? I appreciate any advice.

 

Initially I had wanted to tell the husband and one of my friends (who is also coping with betrayal) told me to go ahead and wreck her marriage. Later on I spoke to another friend who advised me to let it go. I was reluctant to damage any more children's lives and her advice was just what i needed to hear.

 

I know i'm not taking this well - I agree that it is affecting me mentally. Is that so strange? It's not a pleasant state of mind I agree, but do you think my reaction is unusual? I have felt that all these emotions, and there have been so many, are a natural part of the process. I can see how much progress I have made already, I am more positive and calmer. I still have bad days but they aren't so frequent. I can't help feeling like this though, he broke my heart. If I hadn't loved him so much I think it would have been easier. If I had thought him to be a liar and a cheat, I wouldn't have been so shocked.

 

I suggested counselling and he got a number for Relate, but I left it to him to arrange - he hasn't. I think it would be a good idea though, maybe i should arrange it. However we have taken advice from information on the net and we've been tackling issues along the way in a quite unexpected way, we've been so calm about so much. There have been times when I've felt that what I was about to say or do could result in him running for the hills, but i haven't held back because of that fear. If he runs, he runs. If how I am behaving pisses him off then so be it - I will not apologize for my pain. It's not my intention but if I need to tackle a difficult subject I am only doing so in order to work through this. I have apologizes for being so weird, but then remember why I am weird.

 

Tell me what you think - have you personal experience of infidelity? This is my first time so I'm kind of floundering!

 

All your thoughts, experiences and advice are incredibly helpful, thanks

[veronese]

Originally posted by deesgirl

Veronese, My situation isn't the same as yours, but close. Your emotions sound so much like mine.

 

Almost two years ago I found out he went to a strip club and received lap dances. To me that was cheating and it's when I knew there were problems. A few months after that, I found out he had taken a few different customers a ride on the motorcycle. One of these women is an escort. This escort dated a former employee of ours but continued to hang around work even after the employee quit. H said that she would come up there because she had a crush on my brother-in-law at that time, but guess what? After he quit, she continued to come up to work. I confronted her but she isn't fessing up, if anything did happen between them.

 

I found out the the 'customer bike rides' had been going on for about three years (with different women). He says they would just ask for a ride and he would drive around the block.

 

I feel like if everything was so innocent, he would have told me all of this without me finding out on my own. Now I feel like I don't know who he is. That he can continue lying to me and I won't know unless I stumble upon the truth.

 

He answered my questions for awhile, but now he won't talk about any of it. So I hold it in and the pain and anger won't go away.

 

 

Sorry this is so long. I think if you can be happy and let it go, do it. You will be a much happier person. Maybe I feel like I'm protecting my heart by holding on to all these things, but am I really when I'm hurting all the time?

 

((((HUGS)))) to you. I hope you and your H are able to work it all out.

 

 

They know what they are doing is wrong, the secrecy of it is because if they told us how they are behaving we wouldn't want to be married to them!

 

That was the thing that hurt so much, that he became involved emotionally with other women, and they received his attention and interest. He met them for lunch - he didn't meet me. He walked in the park in the middle of the day, talked to them regularly, flirted a little and thrived on the excitement. Every moment he put his energy into them he was denying me. I honestly don't think any married person should have close friendships outside of the marriage, especially if their friends are strangers to their spouses. It's a dangerous game and invarioubly leads to trouble.

 

It's so hard to comprehend how they can do this in the knowledge that it could wreck their marriage and lose them their wives and families. So why bother?

 

I know that my husband's secret women have enjoyed something I find unacceptable, but I have had to come to terms with it. I won't pretend that they were innocent when these friendships continued behind my back for so long.

 

You know you said he tired of your questions so you closed up? That's what I want to avoid. I cannot bury the pain and live with my doubts. He created these doubts so why should I conceal them? He knows I'm not doing tit for tat, but that my hopes of saving our marriage and enjoying hopefully a much better one in the future is paramount.

 

Do you wonder if hiding our feelings is being dishonest? I've told him about everything I have been doing in my quest for information, and humiliating though it is to admit to being such a basket case, I feel that if I am lying to him through this we don't stand much of a chance. I didn't want to admit to knowing where these low lives live, but if I expect honesty from him I have to be prepared to be honest with him.

 

He just came up to see why I'm still typing away and I sensed his irritation. I said I was sorry to be so distracted and he replied "No you're not". I paused for a moment and admitted "well I suppose I'm not really, I'm just enjoying myself looking through this web-site" The tension was immediately diffused and he came over to have a look at some of the posts (not mine though, I do feel I have a right to this privacy)

 

Honey, I wish I knew what to say to you, but I'm really sad that this pain is still there and raw. Did you try counselling? Are you still checking on him? Has your marriage returned to normal?

 

Hugs back to you, we'll get through it..

[deesgirl]

I do think it's important that you are keeping the lines of communication open and I do think it will help your marriage to heal.

 

When I try to talk to him now, he just shuts down and won't talk at all. I realise that I'm to blame in some ways because I've got so angry at times or asked the same questions over and over. I got into a habit of asking the same things because sometimes I would get different answers. I felt like he was just trying to say what I wanted him to instead of the truth.

 

I told him that if we didn't figure out what was missing in our marriage for him to do these things, they may happen again. He always says I did nothing wrong and everything was great. If things are so great, why did he need the attention from these other women?

 

I think you are on a good path to healing and the councelling is a good idea. H doesn't want to go to councelling. I have thought of going on my own but haven't been able to get the nerve to do it.

 

We are getting along good in all areas except talking out our feelings, at least the negative ones.

 

I don't wish this pain on anyone, but it was comforting knowing that someone can relate to my feelings. I could have wrote most of what you did.

[veronese]

QUOTE]Originally posted by deesgirl

 

I got into a habit of asking the same things because sometimes I would get different answers. I felt like he was just trying to say what I wanted him to instead of the truth.

 

I told him that if we didn't figure out what was missing in our marriage for him to do these things, they may happen again. He always says I did nothing wrong and everything was great. If things are so great, why did he need the attention from these other women?

 

Me too!!! I think their egos may need regular stroking!

 

I can't close the door on this until I've figured out whether I actually want to be with this man. I love him, yes, but I'm not sure if I like the person he apparently is.

 

Are you still checking him? I'm suspicious about my husband's recent phone records, it has significantly changed with a massive reduction in incoming and outgoing calls. Is he deleting some? Or has he got a second SIM card/phone? Itemized bills don't record incoming calls, so he could delete them when necessary, switch SIM cards, and call women back without a trace. The back of his phone is loose too, which is suspicious as it's a brand new phone (he changed his phone and number to prevent them calling him), which could be because he's taking it on and off regularly. The backs of cell phones are usually quite tricky to get off.

 

I'm worried that I'm paranoid, but more worried that I'm not!!

[deesgirl]

I don't check up on him like I used to. I figure he has or will get better at hiding things. Don't get me wrong, he might not be doing anything.

 

The thing is, if your H is doing something it will eventually come out. It always does. What would it mean if your H was taking the back off the cell phone? That he's deleting numbers?

 

How was he spending so much time with those women? At work, lunch hour, or while you were working? You could tell him ways to help you to regain your trust like asking him to call during lunch, or whenever he was doing these things before.

 

There is a place called marriagebuilders.com. Do a search on it. It's a wonderful site to help you repair your marriage.

[Mrwin2004]

He is thinking about cheating, why , I have no idea. I say you need to have a serious talk with him. He sounds untrustworthy to me. Set laws in the house for him to abide by. Tell him if he takes another woman out to lunch that its over or something drastic like that. Your marriage rests on what YOU do now. I know it sucks that your the one that is gonna have to do the work, but it's better then to talk about it after there is an affair. Be the strong person and hold your head up high.