I want to survive the nightmare of husband's emotional affairs, do you think I can?

[veronese]

Taking the back of a cell phone allows you to switch the SIM card inside, at least that's how it works over here (London, UK). The SIM card has it's own individual number and records and is tiny (easy to conceal). One phone, two SIM cards.

 

I'm having a tough time this week. I really don't think I believe there was no sex involved. Why wouldn't there be? He didn't think I was ever going to find out about them did he?

 

I want to exhaust every avenue now, so that I don't come back to it in years to come. I don't want to see these women because I don't think they'll be either honest or calm enough to have a worthwhile conversation with me.

 

If you told me this story about anyone else I would say that there was almost definitely sex involved.

 

However, whether he had sex or not is not the basis of whether I can forgive him or not because what I do know about is heartbreaking enough.

 

I asked him last night why he did this...

 

 

"....because I could" he replied.

 

He still could couldn't he??

[veronese]

My worries about whether he had sex with them or not are mainly because I find it so hard to believe and therefore doubt it can be true. Which means he would still be lying to me.

 

The sex thing would be a huge one especially when we're making love. I'd find it hard if not impossible.

 

But if he has had sex with them I deserve to know, I should know who I am planning to grow old with.

 

I also think that if he's lying that lie will always be sitting on his heart. It could affect his respect for me, knowing he'd got away with it and fooling me one more time. That secret would always be in our marriage and I'm sick and tired of secrets.

 

If he admitted to it now (unlikely, very unlikely), I'd be shattered by the betrayal, but furious that he'd continued lying these last three months.

 

You see I really don't think it's believable, it's too far fetched. Why would he suddenly get a conscience and stop himself?

 

Last week, when I was asking yet again about the sex stuff, he said that knowing he could have them if he wanted to was enough for him!!!! The arrogance of the man!! He says these things which seem to make it worse.

 

Can I let it go? Do I want to? I'm just so worn out with this.... it's affecting so many aspects of my life and has to stop. But although I know I can get back to normal if I stop thinking about it, I don't want to meekly return to marital bliss until I've worked it all out. I don't want to bury my head in the sand and it'd be easy todo, things are so great between us in all other aspects. If I ignore my concerns I'd be fooling only myself.

 

I checked out the Other Woman/Other Man site and had a post from an OW who said that she denied any sexual involvment repeatedly to protect her MM from losing his family. I suspect my husband, who most definitely didn't want to leave me/us, mad that clear to his hussys. They wouldn't want to cause him such distress I'm sure.

 

I'd like to run away....

[Azeele]

Veronese,

 

If you have the stomach for it, check out a site called "TOW" - http://www.gloryb.com

 

It's a site for "the other woman" to commiserate with other women in the same situation. There are OWs both in and out of relationships with MM. It's a fairly common story after a Dday - the day the W discovers the A(affair) - for the MM to go to greater lengths to continue to see the OW. It's a story I've read over and over again. He swears the the W that he will never see or contact the OW again, while secretly continuing to contact the OW, swearing his love to her and/or his inability to stay away from her. The MM and the OW often feed off this excitement, making their forbidden love even stronger.

 

Here's an actual example of a post from that site just to give you an example:

" Yes. First D day she wnated him to stop seeing me, insisted on it. He told her he's finished it with me, of course he had not and we carried on as much as ever. Second D day she obviously decided previous tactic no good, so changed completely. She told him she would not object to his seeing me, even living with me half the time, as long as he continued to provide, pay for house etc, and was there for kids on weekend. I walked away from that. "

 

Of course, there are those MM that really cut off all contact with the OW, but I've seen the other story play out over and over again.

 

My point is, be careful. Make sure that what he says matches up with what he does.

[deesgirl]

Is there a way for you to rig the back of the cell phone so you'll know if he's removing it?

 

You may have to speak to these women to ease your mind. They may lie, but you will probably be able to tell by how nervous they are or by their reaction. Maybe even speak with the husbands to see if they feel like something is going on.

[veronese]

Thanks for the advice Azeele, I'm bouncing from the OW site you mentioned and the Marriage builders site Deesgirl recommended.

 

He's being great and there's nothing to give me reason to suspect anything.

 

HOWEVER, there was nothing to suggest he was lying all this time, yet he was. If I hadn't checked his phone, and I only did that because I realised that wives never discover these things until they have a snoop, I would still be unaware that there were three more women in our marriage!

 

I'm not sure if I can survive having constant doubts and concerns, I don't enjoy being suspicious and distrustful, I don't know how long, if ever, it will take to regain sufficient trust in him. I'm worried that it could cause me to eventually call it a day with him. I do love him, I enjoy our life together, to give up on us would be horrible, it's not something I want to happen. Unfortunately as time goes by the reality of our situation reveals itself to me in stages, bit by bit. I want to ignore these niggling doubts but feel I'd be foolish to do so if deep down I wasn't convinced it was what I wanted.

 

I'm not burying my head in the sand but I wish that maybe I could!!

 

There's no real way I can know if the back of the phone is coming on and off, but a friend said that in time the battery becomes dirty with regular handling (the SIM card is situated below the battery), whereas the battery usually remains fairly clean. I attached the back on to his phone as firmly as possible yesterday so if it's loose later that may be a clue.

 

I noticed also that he had stopped calling his voicemail answer phone messages recently, in fact he hadn't checked his messages for at least two weeks. Very odd when before I found out about the women he called it all the time. Then in early June I made the mistake of admitting to listening to them, can't remember why, and there was an immediate drop in the number of times he called it (maybe this was the moment he got a new SIM with a new line?)

 

Anyway, I was very suspicious about this so checked the phone records I have for his phone, to see if there was a possibility his infrequent calls to his voicemail could be explained away with evidence of previous variations in usage. It's true that depending on his work load some weeks will be busier than others.

 

But sadly no, this is unusual. It may be innocent but I can't ignore the facts.

 

Unfortunately he came down the other night when I was doing my nutty checking and sat down next to me to see what i was doing. He could see the numbers I wanted to identify and rule out, then he saw my 'interesting voicemail details' record! He enquire what was that all about, so I had to confess my confusion about the lack of calls to his voicemail. (I didn't admit to thinking that it may be because he's got two numbers/phones), I just expressed more curiosity and bewilderment. He brushed it aside, he hadn't noticed, he only calls when he misses a call, nothing to be worried about.

 

Guess what - the very next day, yesterday, there it was, a registered call to his answer phone, predictable or what?

 

My doubts and worries are hurting me.

 

If he's telling the truth I need to somehow get a grip which is hard after all this.

 

But he could so easily be lying - he's skilled and well practiced after all.

 

How are things with you Deesgirl?

[littleflowerpot]

good lord, am i missing something here? he says and they said they didn't have sex but were friends only. is it possible they were friends only? is that such a radical idea? you are so overwrought about this that maybe it really is possible that your husband knew that if he had friends of the opposite sex that you'd become extremely upset and jealous. i could be wrong but if there was no sex involved maybe they truly were just friends.

[BettyBoo]

If you really mistrust him that much why not hire a Private Detective.

 

I mean you are obviously driving yourself nuts at the moment wondering.......what is he up to? is he lying? what about his phone? Even if he is innocent this will wreck your marriage.

 

Find out some hard evidence and if he is messing you around well then you can make an informed discision.

 

But get out of this limbo before you drive yourself crazy and him away.

 

I am so sorry you are going throught this.

 

Best of luck

[smallthings]

My commiserations to you

 

Am going through the same thing - my wife having an affair - now over - all the lies and secrecy - I thought I was going mad (probobly am) - every now and again somthing reminds me of an event or a lie and brings it all back like a panic attack.

 

I found I got to somewhere near the truith (still working on it) when I said we should get divorced (not argumentatively) and in a pleasant neutral situation (actually a theme park) because we were obviously not compatible, and wanted different things from life

 

At first she was reluctant to say anything but gradually we got talking (8 hours)

 

The thought of being dumped made her sit up and take notice, even to reviewing what she wanted out of the relationship.

 

It sort of dumped most of the bull**** I had been given, and looking at it it seems like the best approach.

 

If you try this be sure not to argue otherwise its totally pointless - if he argues with you forget it and walk away untill he wants to talk reasonably (and tell him that)

[veronese]

Smallthings, thanks so much for your kind words. I'm sorry you're having a tough time too, it's not easy is it.

 

I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner but I went through a particularly bad couple of weeks when my mental anguish became overwhelming.

 

I'm feeling a little calmer and saner now, but am pushed for time so will write more later.

 

I just wanted to see how you are doing and let you know I took your advice....I'll fill you in asap!

 

Take care,

 

Veronese

[ianniegirl]

I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through. My story is almost identical to yours. Please do not be ashamed if you feel you are going nuts. I went into a depression when my H did this to me and swore it was emotional only. Like you I keep hearing lies and he does not want to talk about it, just forget it and wants our old life back. I tell him our old life is gone. Sorry to ramble, but I understand exactly how you feel. There is no way that any two people will handle this the same and we all will react different ways but some of the ways you have rected are exactly as I did. I am still not over this because my husband continues to lie and tell different stories to cover more lies. He also said he thought I would not find out. If you want ot talk or have any more questions I will be logging onto this website daily and will continue to converse about this. It has been 2 years and I have not got trust back because of the lies. Only the truth will set us free. Good luck.

[MeanNewYorker]

This thread is such bullsh*t.

 

Since when are married men banned from having friends who are women?

 

Since when is it dishonest and disrespectful to have lunch with a woman?

 

What because he didn't tell you about these meetings, therefore he's taing part in an emotional affair?

 

Bullsh*t.

 

I don't where some of you are coming from...but this is 2004! Jesus, a married guy has to have lunch alone or only with another man? Ridiculous!

 

I have lunch with all my co-worker women, some of them hot as all hell..G-d I'd love to jump them....but do you really think I'm sitting there flirting with them and plotting an upcoming affair.

 

So do I have to tell my wife about every companion that I have at a meal...and if I don't? the conclusion is that I am having an emotinal affair.

 

Lighten up people. or atleast come to NYC... where married men have lunch with whomever they please, and their wives don't care!

 

[side point: Maybe he's getting together with all those women to get good feedback on how to best surprise with a great gift or whatever]

 

I'm out

[veronese]

Originally posted by ianniegirl

I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through. My story is almost identical to yours. Please do not be ashamed if you feel you are going nuts. I went into a depression when my H did this to me and swore it was emotional only. Like you I keep hearing lies and he does not want to talk about it, just forget it and wants our old life back. I tell him our old life is gone. Sorry to ramble, but I understand exactly how you feel. There is no way that any two people will handle this the same and we all will react different ways but some of the ways you have rected are exactly as I did. I am still not over this because my husband continues to lie and tell different stories to cover more lies. He also said he thought I would not find out. If you want ot talk or have any more questions I will be logging onto this website daily and will continue to converse about this. It has been 2 years and I have not got trust back because of the lies. Only the truth will set us free. Good luck.

 

Hi ianniegirl, thanks for your post. I'm sorry you've gone through this nightmare too, I truly didn't think I would one day be having to go through it too.

 

I know that the trust we had before can never return, I was under the illusion that he was an honest man back then, not anymore! How are you feeling day-to-day now? Is it still painful? Or is some semblance of normality and happiness now present in your life?

 

I'm getting so tired of it now. A few weeks back I regressed in a major way and became totally preoccupied with my doubts and suspicions, mulling over every possible worry, concentrating on all the negatives in our predicament. The more I thought about it the less convinced I was about wanting to bother with my H. The mental anguish was tearing me up and bringing me down significantly, I couldn't concentrate on anything else really.

 

After 10 days of this my brain went into melt down and I voiced my concerns about how long I would continue living like a complete basket case! It was obvious that something had to give, and as my emotions were out of my control I contemplated calling it quits.

 

I unexpectedly awoke last Monday feeling much brighter, less crazy. It's more bearable, at least for the time being. But I have a sneaky suspicion that a part of me has died, or rather a part of my love for him has disappeared.

 

How do you feel about your H now? Have the anger and pain been replaced with resentment and animosity? I hope not, it's soul destroying isn't it?

 

Will we ever know the truth??

 

 

PS that MeanNewYorker's wife probably lets him run wild because she doesn't really give a damn if he comes back!

[Mr Spock]

How does your husband feel about your reaction? Does he feel you're overreacting, or does he validate your anger?

[evagreten]

Dear Veronese, I am in EXACTLY the same situation, I couldn't believe it whilst reading all your posts, I just coulnd't believe it:(

 

The only difference is that I have been married for only six months. Everyone loves my husband, adores him, just like yours. He is wonderful towards me. I thought I was so lucky. But he was leading a double life. Again, nothing physical, but too intimate emotionally, which actually I think hurts even more. I found out about the female friends and ex-girlfriends recently, sat down with him and he also has been incredibly patient, answering all my questions whilst I was rummaging through his entire past and present. I found out also that when he admitted certain things, he didn't admit to all of it, and since then I have found out so much more I haven't told him because all he will do is lie again, and quite frankly, it's embarassing for me to watch him lie when I know the truth 100%.

 

He says he has stopped contact with these women, but I don't actually know if that makes anything better, if the only reason he has stopped is me finding out! What's the point in that, I keep on asking myself? He doesn't know how I found out about these things so I am free to keep on checking up on him, and I still do, waiting for him to make a mistake. It's almost as if I KNOW he will. He said he felt dead inside because I didn't trust him anymore. I want to, but I can't, not that easily.

 

And it's not even only the trust - it's this feeling that things have been shattered forever, and like you said, that he wasn't the person I thought he was and that all our good times were in fact a lie, a big fat lie and that I'd been deceived all along. All those happy memories seemed to have been washed away, because from his emails I found out that he'd been contacting these women on very momentous and special days for me and him as a couple. He also told them things about me I have only told him and no one else. He confided in them to such a degree I feel totally excluded and like a stranger to him.

 

I haven't slept properly for weeks. I have nightmares constantly. I left my family in a different country for him and I am alone in his country where we were supposed to start a new life. One day unpacking everything while he was working I found a CD with all his archived emails, and I read them because I was bored and it was something interesting to do (that's the honest truth). I didn't have a clue what I would find, I wasn't suspicious of him, I am naturally a dangerously curious person, I have to admit that.

 

What I read over the next few hours changed my life, I can't tell you how much. I have changed inside as a person so much, I've become withdrawn, I can't even stomach making new friends here as I see betrayal all around me!!! We used to have what I thought was such a beautiful intimate relationship. But he is a player, and maybe he never intended to cheat on them but he obviously needed to feel wanted and flirt with other women, staying in touch with them on such a personal basis and sharing such intimate details with them about himself and me included.

 

I haven't got any solutions, I just really wanted to share all of this, because it all hurts so much. Do I even love him as much as before?

[evagreten]

Mean New Yorker -

 

no one's saying you can't have female friends!!!

 

But what you can't do is lie about them. If you share information about your male friends, relate to your wife how you saw them etc and how they are doing, invite her to meet them sometimes...then you can do the same with female friends. If that's all they are, friends who happen to be female. No problem about that.

 

But if you hide these friendhips deliberately from your wife, then there is something wrong,. I read somewhere that the usual measure is to think 'how would I feel about my wife hearing this or reading this?' If the answer is 'I wouldn't want her to read/hear it', that usually means you are doing something wrong.

 

My ideal of marriage is closeness and intimacy. If you share an absurd amount of intimacy with another woman, you are taking away intimacy from your wife and damaging your marriage. I don't care whether he sits down and has lunch with a woman. I do care if he flirts outrageously with her via email and tells her things about me I haven't told anyone except him!

 

My ideal of marriage has only space for two people, I'm afraid.

 

I also found out that my husband was seeing women at the same time as seeing me, even if only casually, and once we were a proper couple and then married, they became 'extremely close friends'. Not acceptable, new yorker, it's just not right.

[veronese]

to evagreten

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. It's such a shock isn't it? It just confuses and muddles your mind. Other friends of mine have been cheated on by their husbands, but they've normally had either suspicions or previous incidents when their men have been caught out. With those men I've never been surprised as the writing has been on the wall all along, but husbands like ours don't rouse our suspicion do they?

 

I've actually thought that my H is a bigger b***ard than those other types because he fooled me completely so the shock was even more severe. That's what haunts me too, not knowing how I can ever feel confident that he's being honest, because for 17 years there was nothing to indicate the opposite.

 

I can't write much now but I hope your weekend isn't too emotionally upsetting. Take each day as it comes for now while you gather your thoughts, although I have to confess that whenever I gather mine I always end up with the same conclusion - I hate his bloody guts!

 

How long ago did you find out? Have you got kids together? If we didn't have children I definitely would have finished our marriage. Having to do what's best for them isn't necessarily what's best for me.

 

Take care hun, there's quite a few of us in this situation. Read posts by pedwin and stillHurtin.

 

xxx

[Samson]

At first glance through the posts, I agree with littleflower and Mean NY...................................logically, yes, he ought to be able to have friends, just friends, that are female........................................however....there are friends and then there are lovers.

 

The modern concept of emotional adultery is more concrete than we might first assume. I am sure the guy was having some sort of imaginary affair, probably kept it non sexual because it remained most comfortable for him this way (no competition, no risk, no performance anxioty, NO COMPLICATIONS). But he kept going back. Why? Attention; And the thriving fantacy he created around his female friend(s). In this case, fiction was better than fact.

 

I'm going to guess that you pretty much have poped his bubble.

 

But I'm also going to strongly suggest you "let it go." I'm sure this is a lot easier said than done.

 

Otherwise, he'll justify more than fantacy, and you'll be giving his ego every excuse to seek comfort elsewhere.

[veronese]

I hear what you are saying at it makes perfect sense to me.

 

Trouble is my feelings for him have changed, the love I felt before was so different but not necessarily better.

 

I just don't care so much about how he feels anymore. I appreciate all the logical and probably accurate reasons this happened, but the problem is that all along it was MY feelings that were being gambled with. It's quite staggering that something so pathetically insignificant merited risking our family for. That his ego is so fragile that he needed it.

 

My problem is that I've got to work out if I truly love the person that he really is. People say that people stray when something is lacking in their marriage....sometimes that's true.

 

But others stray because they're immature, selfish, arrogant, stupid idiots - and sadly I think my H is the latter.

 

Now I know this I'm confused about what I want anymore...

[veronese]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

How does your husband feel about your reaction? Does he feel you're overreacting, or does he validate your anger?

 

 

 

How does my husband feel Spock?

 

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!

 

I'm more interested in why you ask when you are apparently involved with a MM too.

[Samson]

It's quite staggering that something so pathetically insignificant merited risking our family for. That his ego is so fragile that he needed it.

 

Yes (now), and no (then).

 

Without going into much (or any) detail, please believe that, for better or worse, your husband's behavior and motives are very familiar. Regardless, if you've established the level of communications you discussed in your original post, you can simply ask him questions to verify what I think:

 

1. He has sought comfort from pressures in his life that were not in any way connected to (or caused by) you.

 

2. In his mind, he was doing nothing to "risk" your family. Now he might have changed this opinion, but at the time, he viewed his flirtations as "innocent" since they did not involve sex.

 

3. All normal ego is fragile. The degree of fragility might change, but sorry to say this to you, but, you wouldn't want to be around anyone whose ego was unbreakable (usually we find these people locked away somewhere for extended time periods and/or waiting on "death row").

 

4. Finally, who is "risking the family" now? He seems to have repented, but you have not forgiven (note I do not use "forgotten"). Neither of you will forget. This might take a lot of time. Don't make any rash decisions now, but plan a timeline: take a year (relatively short time compared with the remainder of your life, I assume).

 

Just as you view his CHOICE to find comfort having regular lunches and phone conversations with female friends as "pathetically insignificant," so may be your CHOICE to maintain an attitude that you are married to an "immature, selfish, arrogant, stupid idiot."

 

I hope you do not consider this as some attack on you, veronese. It certainly is not intended to be that. You are a victim, but more a victim of circumstance than one of a hateful brute of a husband.

 

I hope mine is more of a friendly offering from the darkside.

[veronese]

Originally posted by Samson

 

 

1. He has sought comfort from pressures in his life that were not in any way connected to (or caused by) you.

 

2. In his mind, he was doing nothing to "risk" your family. Now he might have changed this opinion, but at the time, he viewed his flirtations as "innocent" since they did not involve sex.

 

3. All normal ego is fragile. The degree of fragility might change, but sorry to say this to you, ×Y_ýëK¥ßѲ–oÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿÿý¾)!"r4®ð †’ÓñŒ2^ŸÜ_‚Eò¨»™.„¤F~¨Ó§UJ7ÝŽ¼†ÎeúúéjŽñÕ°ßd2±ÊÅ(Îcc5ÍäÌÖÈîÌ€ŒÕ›Gs3¹Œuœ‘¶e“n

[veronese]

Bugger! My post got corrupted!

 

Just to say your spot on in your points, especially 1 & 2. I appreciate your opinions because you appear to have an insight into the situation that I suspect comes from experience?

 

I can't re-write all that I just lost but suffice to say I'd love you to advise me on how I am ever going to know if he's continuing to lie to me.

 

If he's going to continue playing by those rules the least he can do is let me know! He wouldn't want me to get attached to other men though, he admitted that. He also has complete faith and trust in me that I would/could never do that to him as he knows I'm not that kind of woman. You know even that annoyed me that he is so completely sure of me and my unfailing devotion to him - he's right of course but maybe I've been just a little 'too good' all these years?

 

In hindsight my loyalty may not have been beneficial. He knew I loved him and would never leave him. Maybe I was just too much of a 'safe bet'?

 

I'm not so devoted to him now, I wonder if that will be good or bad for our marriage in the long run?

 

What do you think oh wise one?

 

PS that's not really your picture is it?

[veronese]

"A woman will occasionally fake an orgasm; a man-- an entire relationship."

[Samson]

Ah, veronese,

 

I'd love you to advise me on how I am ever going to know if he's continuing to lie to me

 

If I knew how to do this then I'd be a billionaire. Lets face it, as long as you get really really really R-E-A-L-L-Y upset about it, then he'll be motivated to lie. Once you don't REALLY care one way or another, then he'll tell the truth (which of course you won't want to hear, starting the whole cycle over again).

 

And ditto to the second question:

 

I wonder if that will be good or bad for our marriage in the long run?

 

The future? Hey, I'm not Nostradamus, but I will say that;

 

The rider by night strikes through the clouds

and by morning, the dove shall take to wing

then we will have been taught.

 

Ok, its not medieval French, but its the best vision I got.

 

Who else's picture would it be?

[evagreten]

The reason I find it hard to forgive/forget, I think, is simply because if I hadn't found out, he would have continued. Me threatening to leave being the only reason he doesn't talk to them anymore somehow doesn't feel good enough for me, and I'm not trying to be all high and mighty, that's just my natural feeling.

 

Veronese, I only found out a few weeks ago, we don't have children together but I am pregnant. And finding all this stuff out seriously made me reconsider the whole marriage, let alone the poor baby. I feel like I married a total stranger, and I don't know how to emphasise that enough, a total and utter stranger. I know it sounds melodramatic, but part of me inside has died. My love for him has changed (as with you not for the better).

I used to think we talked about everything, that he was my best friend, but right now I find myself writing to these message boards instead of speaking to him. I don't feel like it's in my interest to open myself up to him because he didn't do the same with me, and I feel my self-defence kicking in and saying 'no' to the intimacy I shared before with him.

 

He didn't just have 'female friends', I would never have objected to that because I have a few (not many) male friends. But he is a part of all of them and has met all of them, knows everything about all of them etc. And I don't talk to my male friends about his character, his problems, things he told me about that I know he wouldn't want me sharing with other people. I also don't flirt with them or receive intimate emails from them. As soon as I was engaged I happily told them whereas with some of these female friends I know he didn't tell he was engaged until the very last minute. One of them (an ex) still doesn't know and writes to him quite personally for them to meet up. If that is a 'female friend' then I am an elephant:)

 

One of my reasonings is that he wanted to still feel available to them, he was scared he would lose them if he told them his deep feelings for me. I know he loves me, but he was afraid of losing his friends. I have tried explaining to him that these are not friends - friends are people you can't wait to tell happy news like marriage to!!! And they will want to meet the wife, the girlfriend and celebrate together - no?

 

I was really struck by that line 'a woman can fake an orgasm, a man a whole relationship'. I really think that is true, now. They really can. Of course, not all of them, but moreso than a woman, I am sure. My husband would have quite happily continued living a double life, not necessarily having sex. But then again, as soon as a marriage starts having problems, if there is a 'female friend' out there willing to listen, a man will easily turn to her rather than me, and one thing leads to another....I have a friend at the moment who has become this 'other woman' and is totally deluding herself. She is effectively a catalyst for the man's marriage failing, whether she realises that or not. Because every time the man and wife need to talk seriously about their problems, he picks up the phone and calls my friend to talk instead. She has become what his wife was supposed to be all along. I have no problem with him divorcing of that is ultimately the only way, but he needs to sit down and decide that for himself and then contemplate a relationship with my friend, not before.

 

Just like with my husband, they started out as very close friends behind the wife's back. A happy married man does not actively look for female friends like that.

 

Long email yet again...