Single and heartbroken

[Leigh 87]

I finally realised I have to leave my partner.

 

This is the hardest thing I have had to do; way harder than eating again when I was anorexic. Because Andrew was the closest person to me anyone has ever been in my whole life. I love him as much as my own parents, basically. I am utterly devastated, but I know I HAVE to do this.

 

I have joined a gym recently, and am going into damage control; I know that being very fit and getting myself into great shape, as well as seeing friends more and being more social, will build my confidence up and help me through this terrible time.

 

I have had people die, and it honestly feels just as f*cking bad.

I hate that I just believed him when he said he loves me, when the way he acts is totally unaccaptable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He went with his mates on a party holiday, where he will obviously be partying and totally drunk every single night, clubbing and what not.

He did not set out to go - his friend rang him, offering him a half price ticket, and begged him to go. Of course, my EX partner thought it was a great idea.

 

He just said " I love you, I would not be able to do anything with other girls, because I love you. You should trust I won't do it"

Although he tells me he loves me, and would never be able to cheat on me, I just do not feel safe and assured.

Frankly, I think there is a good chance he could get very drunk, go clubbing, and on the dance floor easily start dancing closely to a girl he find attractive.

I have seen him do it before - he was giving a girl a back massage, and when I confonted him, he honestly was taken aback, and said " I thought it was you". I proceeded to try to dump him there and then, but he begged me " your the only girl I have ever loved, I do not remember what I did"...

He honestly does not remember getting that drunk and giving that girl a sexy back massage.

So obviously, he IS capable of getting very drunk, and doing things he does not remember.

 

I doubt he has cheated on me, based on his phone and internet recoreds, but I just cannot go back to him, after he is:

 

- out partying and drinking heavily without me

- not bothering to contact me while he is away for the ten days

-making me think that he could very well be clubbing and dancing and then having sex with the girls he dances with

- as a result of me constantly thinking about him with other girls, I CRY INCESSANTLY and feel like my heart has been ripped out.

 

HOW SHOULD I DO IT? He said he wants to be closer to be than ever when he gets back, and so I know he will be very upset and annoyed if I just tell him via facebook that that he has done is not okay with me, it has caused me great pain, and I no longer want to even talk to him.

I KNOW no contact is the best way, but we have become VERY close, and the seriousness of out relationship and what we have, I think perhaps deserves an official, face to face break up?

 

I cannot believe I will never sleep with the person I love so much again. I constantly feel ill and disgusted with how he has acted, and terrible upset. I cry every day, because I am a really sweet person to him, and in general. I love very hard, and have not yet accepted that he will never be madly in love with me the way he THINKS he is. If he WAS, he would NOT be doing what he is doing.

 

He would be out dancing and drinking this second, and is probably not eve thinking about me, much less contacting me.

What a sad loser. WHY did he want to spend ALL his time with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess I was simply a girl he loves being around, but that was not enough for him to be loyal to.

Which is not on me - I know he thinks I am an awesome girl. And he likes what I look like physically. I guess he just did not feel that x factor enough, to be loyal; but he loved being with me enough to live with me, and live his life with me.

 

The sad thing is - he actuall THINKS he is in love with me! He THINKS his feelings are real! He is just very ignorant, I guess, of what true love feels like. Because he would not be out dancing with other girls otherwise.

WHen I get too drunk to remember what happens, I would be putting myself in a position where guys could take advantage of me. So I never do it. Because I loved my boyfriend.

Where as he thinks it is totally FINE to get too drunk to control himself. Around many hot girls.

 

 

:sick::sick::sick::sick::sick::sick: ugh.

 

 

Oh well, I guess I wil just get my butt into the gym and work on making myself a better person. And cry every night for the next year.

[Tally123]

Sorry...just to get the straight....you dumped/are going to dump him because he has gone away with his friends and you think he will cheat on you?!

[beyond]

Leigh, I'm a bit confused.

 

What is it exactly he has done wrong - not what you think he MAY have done or might be doing but what actually HAS he done wrong?

 

xx

[Kamille]

Leigh,

 

There are many areas for concern in your post. Here are some of them:

 

1. It sounds like your boyfriend going away for a weekend is making you feel abandoned. I know that I could never function in the type of relationship you have (open with conditions). I know I would have trust issues. And you clearly have trust issues. Yet, the way you formulate your post, it sounds like the reason you want to break up with him is your feelings of abandonment and not anything that he's actually done. This, in my experience, isn't the best reason to break up. It comes off sounding more like emotional manipulation on your part than an actual realistic assessment of the situation.

 

2. Clearly you don't trust him. Why else would you be checking his phone and messages? Again, if I were in your relationship, I would likely struggle to trust my partner. Please consider breaking up not because of "he might cheat on me" but because there is clearly something in your relationship that makes you feel unloved, undesirable and disposable. You can place your well-being first (is this relationship making me sad/angry/upset more often than it makes me happy?)

 

3. Please consider talking to your ED counselors or support groups. I worry that you're in a triggering situation. Your confidence should not be entirely correlated to your perception of your own fitness level. You are likely already fit enough to feel confident about yourself.

[KatZee]

Yeah I'm sorry... I see clear overreaction here... I see deep, deep, DEEP insecurity (on your part), and these are the reasons you are giving us to dump him? Because he's out drinking without you???

 

He's entitled to have fun without you. He's entitled to get drunk without you. He's entitled to talk to members of the opposite sex.

 

In one breath you say you don't believe he has cheated or ever will, and in the next you're BOLDING a statement saying he's out getting drunk and having sex on the dance floor.

 

You need to calm down, take a breath, step away from this thread... you need to do some yoga, or meditation... or something.

 

I can see how high strung you are here.

 

So he went away and didn't call you for the duration of the trip? Or do you just assume he's not going to contact you? There are much more mature ways to handle this... which include:

 

A) Buying him a phone card and writing him a note telling him you love him, to have a great time, and to call you when he has free chances.

 

B) Talking calmly and saying you'd love to hear from him and about the trip a few times while he's gone.

 

He's on vacation with his friends. I hope you didn't think he'd be sitting on the phone with you ever day and not out having a good time.

 

You need to cut the guy some slack, and maybe get into some therapy.

[Leigh 87]

I am not comfortable with him going on a holiday, because the purpose for him OF the holiday, is to get as drunk as possible and party every day.

 

He does not feel the need to contact me while he is over there, therefore I do not feel reasured and comfortable or safe.

 

I feel like the best friend I have been hanging out with every day for the past two years, could easily be dancing with girls, and due to being too drunk, doing things he would not normally do if he was sober.

 

Being drunk is no excuse for cheating - because in most cases, the guy KNOW'S what he is doing. Where as if you get TOO drunk, I believe he could easily start dancing with a girl or girls, and then get so drunk and take things futher.

 

Maybe he thinks he can control himself when he is heavil drunk? Hence why he puts himself in this position.. because he feels in control enough to NOT cheat.

 

I actually think he will really miss me and be devastated too, about life without me.

 

OH well, I guess going away without your girlfriend, to party for ten days straight and get heavily drunk is not something that I am comfortable with.

[Leigh 87]

Yeah I'm sorry... I see clear overreaction here... I see deep, deep, DEEP insecurity (on your part), and these are the reasons you are giving us to dump him? Because he's out drinking without you???

 

He's entitled to have fun without you. He's entitled to get drunk without you. He's entitled to talk to members of the opposite sex.

 

In one breath you say you don't believe he has cheated or ever will, and in the next you're BOLDING a statement saying he's out getting drunk and having sex on the dance floor.

 

You need to calm down, take a breath, step away from this thread... you need to do some yoga, or meditation... or something.

 

I can see how high strung you are here.

 

So he went away and didn't call you for the duration of the trip? Or do you just assume he's not going to contact you? There are much more mature ways to handle this... which include:

 

A) Buying him a phone card and writing him a note telling him you love him, to have a great time, and to call you when he has free chances.

 

B) Talking calmly and saying you'd love to hear from him and about the trip a few times while he's gone.

 

He's on vacation with his friends. I hope you didn't think he'd be sitting on the phone with you ever day and not out having a good time.

 

You need to cut the guy some slack, and maybe get into some therapy.

 

 

 

 

 

I totally thought I should cut him some slack, and just relax, and let him have a fun trip with his mates.

 

It was only AFTER he left, I started to panick and feel completely lost and like I am a fool for trusting him.

 

I WANT to trust him. Maybe your right! I could ver well be over reacting.. HENCE why I am posting here. I do need and want to know if I am over reacting.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh,

 

There are many areas for concern in your post. Here are some of them:

 

1. It sounds like your boyfriend going away for a weekend is making you feel abandoned. I know that I could never function in the type of relationship you have (open with conditions). I know I would have trust issues. And you clearly have trust issues. Yet, the way you formulate your post, it sounds like the reason you want to break up with him is your feelings of abandonment and not anything that he's actually done. This, in my experience, isn't the best reason to break up. It comes off sounding more like emotional manipulation on your part than an actual realistic assessment of the situation.

 

2. Clearly you don't trust him. Why else would you be checking his phone and messages? Again, if I were in your relationship, I would likely struggle to trust my partner. Please consider breaking up not because of "he might cheat on me" but because there is clearly something in your relationship that makes you feel unloved, undesirable and disposable. You can place your well-being first (is this relationship making me sad/angry/upset more often than it makes me happy?)

 

3. Please consider talking to your ED counselors or support groups. I worry that you're in a triggering situation. Your confidence should not be entirely correlated to your perception of your own fitness level. You are likely already fit enough to feel confident about yourself.

 

 

 

We are not in an open relationship!

 

 

I let him see a hooker once a year or so. Because I believe experiencig a new body can be benificial for some men in a long term relationship.

 

 

He absolutely cannot, and does not WANT to go and freely mess around with girls without me knowing about it or being involved.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, I'm a bit confused.

 

What is it exactly he has done wrong - not what you think he MAY have done or might be doing but what actually HAS he done wrong?

 

xx

 

 

 

I guess I am sad he is out partying and drinking heavily without me, and not contacting me to let me know it is all okay.

 

 

 

I do not want him to call EVERY day - I guess every 3 days, so about twice throughout his trip - I would feel satisfied if he facebooked me.

 

However, it has only been a day or two, and I am sure he will probably end up coming o facebook. Although I am unsure, he may not.....

 

 

 

He is the type to think " look, I love you, I would not be able to be with other girls because of my feelings for you, therefore I wish you would not worry when I am away from you"

[Kamille]

I totally thought I should cut him some slack, and just relax, and let him have a fun trip with his mates.

 

It was only AFTER he left, I started to panick and feel completely lost and like I am a fool for trusting him.

 

I WANT to trust him. Maybe your right! I could ver well be over reacting.. HENCE why I am posting here. I do need and want to know if I am over reacting.

 

You are over-reacting because you feel abandoned. You miss him. You're likely trying to explain to yourself your feelings of disorientation without him. In doing so, you are going to the worse case scenarios: you imagine he is too drunk and likely to cheat on you. Meanwhile, you could simply allow yourself to miss him and feel sad that he is gone.

 

I do believe this episode is shedding light on some of the issues of your relationship. One, does your boyfriend have a problem with alcohol? Does he often use alcohol to make excuses for his own actions? Two, where do your trust issues come from? What do you need, in your relationship or within yourself, to stop feeling this vulnerable?

[KatZee]

I am not comfortable with him going on a holiday, because the purpose for him OF the holiday, is to get as drunk as possible and party every day.

 

So? Guys do this. They need their own man time to go out and party.

 

He does not feel the need to contact me while he is over there, therefore I do not feel reasured and comfortable or safe.

 

Did you actually have this conversation with him? Or are you just putting words into his mouth? Also, it's not his job to constantly reassure you. If he's never done anything to betray you, which I don't believe he has, these are your issues. Not his.

 

I feel like the best friend I have been hanging out with every day for the past two years, could easily be dancing with girls, and due to being too drunk, doing things he would not normally do if he was sober.

 

Most people do stupid sh*t when they're drunk. That doesn't mean he's grinding on every piece of as* that walks in front of him. The bottom line here--- You don't trust him. Two years into a relationship in which he hasn't betrayed you, and you have ZERO trust. This is not his problem, again, it is yours.

 

Being drunk is no excuse for cheating - because in most cases, the guy KNOW'S what he is doing. Where as if you get TOO drunk, I believe he could easily start dancing with a girl or girls, and then get so drunk and take things futher.

 

Not only are you extremely insecure, lacking any ounce of trust... but you have deep paranoia issues, and a clear lack of self-worth. Do you think that low about yourself that you feel the guy you've dated for TWO YEARS is going on a vacation to cheat on you? If he's going to cheat on you, he'll do it wherever he wants. He won't need to be drunk, or away with friends to do this.

 

Maybe he thinks he can control himself when he is heavil drunk? Hence why he puts himself in this position.. because he feels in control enough to NOT cheat.

 

Is there a reason to continue talking about cheating? Has he EVER cheated on you? If not, why are you obsessing that he's cheating? Again---Insecurity, paranoia, lack of trust.

 

I actually think he will really miss me and be devastated too, about life without me.

 

Really? That's after he's done cheating on you, right? Your emotions swing from one end of the spectrum back to the other.

 

OH well, I guess going away without your girlfriend, to party for ten days straight and get heavily drunk is not something that I am comfortable with.

 

Again, this is your problem. Not his. You need to loosen the chain. I really don't think you're in any position to be in a serious relationship right now. Your behavior, way of thinking, and reactions are not normal. Eventually you're going to start to weaken any bond you guys have with the insecurity. Do you go around accusing him of cheating on you?

[Leigh 87]

ANy ways, I am going to go to bed now, in the bed we slept in and hugged really tightly in many times.

 

Something tells me I am over reacting; yet another part of me IS NOT okay at all with no contact from him, given the nature of his trip; escessive drinking and dancing in a crouded club with hot girls all around him.

 

Trust me. I WAS NEVEr the jealous type. We check out girls together, when we find an impressive butt, we tell each other and have fun with it. We both appreciate a girl who works out and is pretty to look at, and say so when we see them.

 

I even have NO feelings when he has sex with a hooker once a year. I watched him have sex with her, and felt absolutely NO negative feelings. I knew how he felt about me, and it was very apparent it was just sex.

 

 

 

..... I checked his phone because, well - Okay, just because he went awa and partied and drunk with girls, and swears he did not cheat - DOES NOT MEAN I was going to risk being played for a fool, and NOT check his phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Come on, I feel like if I let him party and drink with girls, it would be silly of me NOT to check his phone? Or facebook.... You know, just initially, and then stopping.

 

I guess it is terrible to snoop, but I wanted to know that i was not being lied to. I have told him about it too.

[Kamille]

 

Because I believe experiencig a new body can be benificial for some men in a long term relationship.

 

 

 

Leigh, there's a clear link between this belief of yours and your struggles to trust your partner. I remember that the men and women of LS tried to challenge you on this belief, and yet you hang on to it.

 

A man can commit to having sex to only one women for the rest of his life. Without injury, or suffering. Health wise, having sex with only one partner is also the most beneficial choice. Less risk of disease, more emotional comfort. Not to mention: hey, he is having sex regularly: with you!

[beyond]

I guess I am sad he is out partying and drinking heavily without me, and not contacting me to let me know it is all okay.

 

 

 

I do not want him to call EVERY day - I guess every 3 days, so about twice throughout his trip - I would feel satisfied if he facebooked me.

 

However, it has only been a day or two, and I am sure he will probably end up coming o facebook. Although I am unsure, he may not.....

 

 

 

He is the type to think " look, I love you, I would not be able to be with other girls because of my feelings for you, therefore I wish you would not worry when I am away from you"

 

So, if it's only been a day or two, wait and see, he may well contact you if he can. Hopefully he is having a great time. You love him so I presume you want him to be having a good time?

 

Don't look for problems where there may be none.

 

I think you probably know there is more to this than him not contacting you.

 

Do you have any form of counselling because I think it could really help?

 

xx

[Kamille]

 

Trust me. I WAS NEVEr the jealous type. We check out girls together, when we find an impressive butt, we tell each other and have fun with it. We both appreciate a girl who works out and is pretty to look at, and say so when we see them.

 

 

Triggering behavior. Again, I suspect this kind of thing only serves to keep you insecure. You struggle with body image disorders Leigh, and this is likely your way of feeling like you have control over his sexual appetites. It also likely keeps you focused on bodyimage: your own and that of the girls you comment on together.

[beyond]

Have just read the other posts about you 'letting him' sleep with a hooker once a year and watching them.

 

Each to their own but it is personally something I don't understand one bit. It's also odd to me how you can be ok with that but feel very insecure about him going on holiday with friends.

 

Maybe you need to talk this through with someone not emotionally involved (like I mentioned before, a counsellor) and re think some of your boundaries.

 

xx

[ScienceGal]

You cannot "allow" him to see a hooker once a year. Once that door is opened, it's open and you know that. You can't regulate it, and your fear that he will have sex with someone else is legitimate, though I don't see you as a victim here. Either being with someone else sexually is acceptable or unacceptable, period. Make your boundaries and stick to them.

[Els]

I do think that you're making the right decision, purely because of all the grief and anguish this R has put you through. Whether that is genuinely because of his actions, or your perception of them, we'll never know, but there comes a point of time when enough is enough already. You have been extremely, extremely unhappy about your R multiple times in a relatively short frame of time, here. And if you feel these are issues that you can't work on with this man for whatever reason, then yes, it would be good for you to take a break from this.

 

Good luck, and stay strong!

[Leigh 87]

I have high self worth; I know and feel that I deserve a great guy who treats be well.

 

I would never take back a cheater, and I would NEVER both with a guy who was not totally into me.

 

Yes I am listening to you guys and know I have issues. I need to address these issues. However, I LOVE who I am, I love my style and the way I do things in life; I would honestly not want to be ANYone else but me.

 

However, I am not the best version of myself right now, and am lacking in self esteem, that is loud and clear.

 

My boyfriend wants me to try to work on my issues; he says he loves me, he says he loves doing certain things with me ( for instance, oral sex, he used to hate it in general) - and yet no matter how much he tells me he loves me, he goes away and I am insecure.

 

Clearly I have probems. Oh well, my life is still pretty good, I acknowledge I have issues, and as soon as I have time and the money for it, I will arrange to see a new psychologist.

 

 

 

 

I was not always like this; last time he was away for a month, in northen AUstralia where all the hot beach babes go - I was not at ALL worried.

 

We were simply too in love and happy for me to even consider him cheating. He endede up going out to try to party and ringing ME, because he missed his little side kick. He ended up ringing me the nights he drunk because he missed me and wanted to chat to me all night.

 

 

 

 

I guess I was right, before I changed and got al insecure; before, I was FINE with him partying without me! I thought it is great to be able to do your own thing.

 

I take him out and am actually the one who encourages him to go for a night with his mates once every week - I drop him off, drive all the way home for 30 minutes, and then pick him up at 3.am, and we get really happy about me picking him up; we always cannot wait to hug a lot in bed after his night out without me.

 

 

 

 

It sounds like I am being unreasonable, and should just let him be young and have fun and get drunk with his friends. He LOVES loves LOVES meeting new people too.

 

It DOES seam strange that he would bother with me, a person who was an anorexic and mentally unstable, and deal with a lot of fits or rage and anger I have had since gaining over 20 lbs since meeting him...

 

 

He has loved me and been ultra close to me, huggine me very tightly and making it clear he is very attached to me - IN SPITE of the fae has bee through hell because of m y mental illness,.

 

 

It looks like I ow it to myself and to him, if he is keen to be with me, to get a new psychologist, to resolve me insecurity issues.

 

 

I cannot work out entirely where they come from, because I DO respect anbd love m yself! Honestly, I believe in NOT taking cr@p from ANY guy!!!!!!!!! To demand despect, etc etc.. And I really do love my personality and the way I am.... with all my faults and all.

[Leigh 87]

You cannot "allow" him to see a hooker once a year. Once that door is opened, it's open and you know that. You can't regulate it, and your fear that he will have sex with someone else is legitimate, though I don't see you as a victim here. Either being with someone else sexually is acceptable or unacceptable, period. Make your boundaries and stick to them.

 

 

 

I am unsure of my belief, after talking to other people about it. I DO believe he truly loves me, and that he will not just meet a girl who he would NOT be able to have this arragement with.

 

And in HIS mind, he does not want to be with other women outside the hookers.

 

 

I just think a guy can be truly in love, and get a hooker once every year or so. I honestly do not see the harm in it.

 

Although maybe your right, and I should not allow him to. Of course I might be wrong - but I do know he loves me. And it is just HIM; not the fact that he is not in love with me.

 

If we every work this out, I won't be letting him see hookers. It will just complicate things

[Leigh 87]

Have just read the other posts about you 'letting him' sleep with a hooker once a year and watching them.

 

Each to their own but it is personally something I don't understand one bit. It's also odd to me how you can be ok with that but feel very insecure about him going on holiday with friends.

 

Maybe you need to talk this through with someone not emotionally involved (like I mentioned before, a counsellor) and re think some of your boundaries.

 

xx

 

 

I have even told my own mum about it - she has been happily married for about 40 years to my father. She said that while she is not comfortable with that arrangment with her husband, that if it is a one off thing that occurs, she cannot see how it would hinder an otherwise loving, happy relationship.

 

Andrew and I are together most of the time, and have the best time together. It is only ME who has doubts. He is ALWAYS happy with things.

 

I am the one who questions my beliefs with hookers - once other people tell me it is wrong... ( before other people commented on it, I absolutely thought it was fine and it did not bother me the times it did happen)

 

...The times he saw the hookers, he wanted me to watch him and participate. He could not get it up or really be into it without me there. At the end of it, he felt a strange closeness to me - he felt like his love was inflappable, because it really did feel like just sex to him, and he was really greatful for me letting him experience a different body.

 

Next time around, I will not be letting my partner do this..... I thought it seamed so normal, but only after hearing other peopl's opinions and pesperctives, have I re considered.

 

I DO believe he loves me, and that he would do this with this dream girl too; if they let him! I do not think it points to the fact he does not love me, because he is with me all the time, and invests a GREAT deal of time and erffort into being with me.

[KatZee]

 

 

..... I checked his phone because, well - Okay, just because he went awa and partied and drunk with girls, and swears he did not cheat - DOES NOT MEAN I was going to risk being played for a fool, and NOT check his phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Come on, I feel like if I let him party and drink with girls, it would be silly of me NOT to check his phone? Or facebook.... You know, just initially, and then stopping.

 

Don't try to justify this behavior. It's wrong. You lack boundaries. You think you are OWED the right to go onto his property because you're insecure. You have no right to do this at all. It's unhealthy behavior.

 

You are honestly going to be the demise of this relationship. Not because he cheated, or had drinks and talked to other females.

[KatZee]

I have high self worth;

 

because I DO respect anbd love m yself! Honestly, I believe in NOT taking cr@p from ANY guy!!!!!!!!! To demand despect, etc etc.. And I really do love my personality and the way I am.... with all my faults and all.

 

Was this before or after you allowed him to fu*k a hooker while you watched?

[Leigh 87]

And although my posts on loveshack read like we are always unhappy together - we are actually happy all the time - the only times we are NOT happy, are the times I bring up an issue I have. He has never brought something up or started an argument.

 

Frankly, he hates my drama! But he loves me too much he says, and feels too attached and has a desire to be very close to me, and said he wants me to work on my issues and get professional help if necessary.

 

He wants to wait for me to work on my issues, and still see me in the meanwhile. Because we are both much happier when we are together, than when we are not.

 

 

 

 

Lastly - Kamille, I have no eating disorder. At all. And we seldom walk about bodies. I find it very boring. I meant to say that I am not insecure or jealous when it comes to thinner or more attractive girls who walk past me - because he loves me. Therefore i have fun with it and also agree or disagree with him:)

[Ruby65]

This thread is disturbing to me on several levels.

 

Several people have suggested you seek counselling and I really agree there. I'm seeing so many red flags. Aside from the ED, have you ever been diagnosed with anything?

 

Please get help! And I agree.... you don't need to be in this -- or any -- relationship right now. Focus on YOU!