Single and heartbroken

[dreamingoftigers]

This: about a zillion times!

 

And what's this "he thinks he loves you" crap?

 

If he's like "I know I really love this girl." then doesn't he? You can't telepathically get into his inner workings, I have no idea why you are torturing him and you other than something is missing inside of YOU and you want him to validate that he truly, deeply loves you.

 

But you are going about it completely messed-up.

 

Do you truly, deeply love him?

 

And if so, why not be clear with him on things instead of reactively dumping him for going away on a trip where he thinks "my gf is so cool, she's giving me tons of space to party!"??

 

Plus men (oh boy, I'm gonna get flamed for this) are weird. To show a woman that you love her, you draw closer to her emotionally, physically etc. To show a guy that you love him you GIVE HIM SPACE. So right now he probably thinks, "I love her, she loves me, I'm gonna let her do her own fun thing because I love and trust her."

 

(Or, you know, he's completely hung over etc etc etc and not thinking about much, but that's outside my point.)

 

So right now this guy sees you giving him space despite the issues that you might have so he thinks, "wow, things are going great she loooovveess me!"

 

And then you are going to dump him. What?

 

 

 

You need to stop trying to analyze Andrew and define what YOUR boundaries and needs are.

 

Therapy can help you with that.

 

From what I know of you, I think you try so hard to be the "cool" girlfriend that Andrew probably has no idea that anything at all is required of him.

 

I imagine you gave him the impression that he should go off and have a blast with his buddies and not give you a second thought while he was away.

 

If you had need for regular contact (I would), I think you should have let him know that upfront.

 

Your concerns about him cheating are kind of second tier, from my perspective. I think it's thoughtless and disrespectful of him to not contact you. Though I still hold that you needed to let him know that you expected regular contact in order to feel okay while he was gone.

 

On the other hand … you are in a relationship with a guy who loves to get drunk and party evidently above all else (you've mentioned this many times in your posts, if you don't remember, look back and see for yourself) , so I guess you get all that comes with it.

 

This doesn't mean he can't love you.

 

THERAPY.

[barese1]

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, I really don't mean it to be. I have read this thread (maybe not all of it so stop me if I'm wrong).

 

You are in a relationship and live with this man. He has gone on a lads holiday. Do you have reason to think he will cheat? Did you tell him to call you now and then when he was out there?

 

If not then I'm sorry but he really isn't doing anything wrong at all. Whenever he leaves the house there will be ladies there. Yes there will be drunk girls around but this doesn't mean he is doing anything with them.

 

I think you reallllllly need to address this jealousy as this will only lead to disaster. Maybe I'm missing something here?

[dreamingoftigers]

Leigh, how much longer is he gone for?

 

And I'm confused. I thought you were in Aust.?

[Leigh 87]

Hmm well I just ate some food - a Greek dish which I really love. But somehow it did not taste that great - not enough to even make me feel better or more at ease for a second. It is 3am here. I am going to go back to bed soon. I went to bed at 11 and woke up at 12.30 ish.

That GUY rang me and I sooooooo did not feel like talking to him - I DONT WANT to hang out with you mate, I love ANDREW.

 

I will not dump him. I will let him come back and talk it out. I know I will have a great life with or without him, but I guess I will not write him off just yet.

The Andrew I knew before the trip would be very upset and care about about the fact I feel this terrible.

 

However, I am not burning up his facebook just yet - I sent him funny links which he will love, and played a prank on him ( don't ask as iti s very immature yet funny).

I mentioned i was upset but that it is all good, I shuold have just been more clear with him regarding contact....

ANd I told him I am crying most days over it, but that I am working more more, abnd otherwise doing well, and it is all positive and happy besides not hearing from him.

I let him know I am upset, but I put a positive spin on things, because you know, life is good for me besides me being this lost and upset without him being here.

...I will not send him anymore messages anyway- and I know that carrying on and telling him it is " over" is NOT something he would appreciate.

 

When he is doing something fun, he said he really hates it when I send upset messages, it ruins his day knowing he has upset me and I am agry or upset with him.

He ALSO hates it when I tell him I am not sure if he truly loves me. IT DRIVES HIM CRAZY and will push him away if I ever say it again I think.

He finds it utterly FRUSTRATING how I tell him what HE is thinking! He basically says " LEIGH I love you, I know how I feel, stop questioning things and trying to cause drama"

 

 

 

 

Andrew is a guy who is VERY much against drama... he likes a drama free relationship. Ours has been anthing but - yet it is all down to me. Without my issues, we would be fine albiet the NORMAL fighting all couples have.

We are fine most of the time together right now - but for some reason, I cannot believe he is in true love with me.

 

 

 

 

..... His mother died recently, and he was VERY close with her, and is totally devastated.

I have a feeling he could LOVE me - because I am a great course of comfort for him, and look after him, and hug him A LOT and shower himw ith affection and love.

I feel there is a chance he needs me to look after him...

 

 

 

Anyway. He is a very special boy to me, I am here if he needs me when it comes down to it, even if he has cheated, if he is in trouble or needs me, I will be by his side. Just not as a girlfriend if he has cheated.

[barese1]

I'm really confused here!

[Leigh 87]

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, I really don't mean it to be. I have read this thread (maybe not all of it so stop me if I'm wrong).

 

You are in a relationship and live with this man. He has gone on a lads holiday. Do you have reason to think he will cheat? Did you tell him to call you now and then when he was out there?

 

If not then I'm sorry but he really isn't doing anything wrong at all. Whenever he leaves the house there will be ladies there. Yes there will be drunk girls around but this doesn't mean he is doing anything with them.

 

I think you reallllllly need to address this jealousy as this will only lead to disaster. Maybe I'm missing something here?

 

 

 

 

 

I Know being jealous only pushes people away, the same goes for being insecure and needig your partner to reassure you and not do the things he wants to do ( such as going out with his mates and parting without you occasionall).

 

He has not given me a reason to think he will cheat. He told me in no uncertain terms that he would not be able to cheat - he has feelings for me, and he would just not be able to do it.

 

He has gone away on two party holidays before - without me... we live together so we like to have time apart to miss each other.

He did not cheat either time. As far as I know. I know he didn't the first time, we talked every day and were clearly in love.

 

He is not a guy who has ever called a girl " beautiful" or " gorgeous".... It is not his thing, yet with me he is says " goodnight beautiful" or " princess" or " my gorgeous girl". He has only ever been like this to me. Which means a lot to me.

 

I do not think he will cheat AT ALL; but I do think he has a drinking problem, where he gets too drunk to actually KNOW what he is doing.. as in, he cannot feel the cosequences of his actions at the time.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, how much longer is he gone for?

 

And I'm confused. I thought you were in Aust.?

 

 

 

I am in Aus. He is in Thailand.

 

It is funny. I teased him before he went that " it is only Thailand, I have been to the exact place your going to".

I am passionate about wanti gto travel more ( I have travelled around the USA and around a lot of Asia so far) so to me, Thailand was no big deal haha......

 

My parents live in Hong Kong. My mum is down right now thank goodness.

My parents are not Andrew's biggest fan, but the do not hate him either. They are VERY generous people, VERY FEW people live up to how generous my parents are.

Therefore - they do not think Andrew has stepped up and done quiet enough nice things for me.

 

For instance - he broke my phone once back when we used to drink together ( I do not drink anymore). It was a cheap 20 dollar phone, and I was causing drama for no reason, and he got really frustrated and saw it on the road and stepped on it.

He said he would get a new one and meant it, but has been too lazy to and spends all of his money o hsi fish tanks haha and is bad at saving!!!! He will still get me one though if I ask and remind him of it.

So, just the fact he has not gotten me a phone, and other small things bothered them....

They also think I clean up after him and do so much for HIM, and yet he has not done enough for me in return.

 

It is also hard because I am only friends with ONE of his friends... who was really great with me today, and talked to me about Andrew for ages... she is also going through a similar thing with her guy.....

ALL his other friends dislike me or do not click with me.

 

I was socially isolated and away from people for ears before I met Andrew, he was one of the first people I was around a lot. His mates sawe I was a little different, and just did not think I was " one of them".

 

Some of his mates were totally awful to me! ONE guy, wh just broke up with his g/f of 6 years, tried to kiss me! He was SUPPOSED to be Adrews best mate.....

 

When I told ANdrew about it he denied it, and told every one I was to ugly and disgusting for him to even WANT to touch with a ten foot pole.... not to menbtion his ex, who disliked me cos I was different to beginw ith, abused me vis messages, broke my phone which I left there, and said ALL andrew's mates lauigh about how UGLY I am.....

And that Andew cannot possibly be sexually attracted to

He is not friends with either of those low lifes anymore. BUT - the guy is one of the people who is in Thailand unfortunately....

 

And another one of his low life friends assumed Andrew was not that into me, and tried to have sex with me when he was at Andrews HOUSE - with his PREGANT GIRLFRIEND there:sick::sick::sick::sick::sick:

 

The girlfriend did not think he did anything wrong - you see, I took it upon myself to RING her the next day or so, and say " look, I am sorry if it looked like I tried to initiate anything with your partner, but I honstly did NOTHING of gthe sort, and wanted to clarif that with you"

 

She said she " was a little annoyed at me" and did not think her bf did aything wrong. LOL.

 

 

 

Any ways, I have been a social experimet gone wrong with the REST of his friends.... As I said, I did not know how to act around people, and so acted badly in front of them when drinking.

However, I have redeamed myself, and the all now know I was a little different, but that I am a fun, coolm lovely person to be around, and they now sit and are happy to have me around them when Andrew takes me to their parties or etc....

 

 

 

 

SO at least I have that one girl I am good friends with, who is also good friends with Andrew..... It really helps having her support, as she knows him and that helps somehow.

[Mike_d]

So because he has gone on a holiday with friends after telling you that he loves you you've freaked out and are ready to dump him over drama you've made up? You dont trust him fine, but what have *you* done to address your issues within the relationship with him. Resds like a huge case of fight or flight to me. You should be talking to someone professionally to help you with you're jealousy and insecurities.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

When he is doing something fun, he said he really hates it when I send upset messages, it ruins his day knowing he has upset me and I am agry or upset with him.

He ALSO hates it when I tell him I am not sure if he truly loves me. IT DRIVES HIM CRAZY and will push him away if I ever say it again I think.

He finds it utterly FRUSTRATING how I tell him what HE is thinking! He basically says " LEIGH I love you, I know how I feel, stop questioning things and trying to cause drama."

.

 

Leigh, that's a huge cue. And it's pretty blunt.

 

You seriously need to find a way to break the fixation of him being the source of your happiness or else you WILL exhaust this relationship.

 

If you don't trust him to know that he loves you and express it to you: then either a) he isn't trustworthy or b) you have trust issues or c) both.

 

Now no human being is 100% ideal, but mist of my money is on B.

 

Honestly, I truly understand that deep, frightened/sad place where that analysis process comes from. You are trying to emotionally protect yourself from getting to deep in with this guy and surrendering trust to him because it would be MORE devastating to be proven wrong and have the rug pulled out from under you.

 

But what happens is this: you try to care less about the relationship but having him almost emotionally "need" you, (which isn't healthy) and he's healthy enough (it seems) that he doesn't need the same kind if validation that you do. He's happy enough to love and be with you.

 

Which devastates you because YOU need HIM. so you look at it like he doesn't love you as much. And yet, you resent it too.

 

You can't quite get the answer you want, and even if you did, it would still come up short because it wouldn't be enough to fill that emptiness.

 

Meanwhile, the abandonment trigger is destroying the good parts and loving parts of the relationship. Not healthy.

 

Have you looked into that book yet?

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay, no surprise that Andrew probably wouldn't be great with boundaries and relational stuff.

 

No offense intended whatsoever.

 

I believe relationships to be "skill sets" not necessarily character and so forth.

 

He just may not have learned boundary/relationship skills.

 

His friends don't sound particularly charming.

But it sounds like they don't govern his behavior either (which is good).

[Leigh 87]

So because he has gone on a holiday with friends after telling you that he loves you you've freaked out and are ready to dump him over drama you've made up? You dont trust him fine, but what have *you* done to address your issues within the relationship with him. Resds like a huge case of fight or flight to me. You should be talking to someone professionally to help you with you're jealousy and insecurities.

 

 

 

Yes, I know it is important to think I am pretty awesome and have my own life going as well as it can.

 

I AM doing things to make myself feel confident; for me, working out 5 days a week, eating heallthily which comes naturally to me, and making new friends and having a more active social life, are all thins I am doing right now.

 

I would be fine if he contacted me regularly whilst over there.. not every day, just within the first 2 days there, just to let me know he loves me and everything is ok.

 

I guess I am a person who needs regular contact when their partner is overseas partying. I have always been totally cool with him partying when he is home in Australia - it is ONLY the times he has been away from me with no contact, partying and getting drunk with girls - that it bothers me.

 

Obviously, I should have told him what I needed. I knwo he would have been happy to give it to me.

[CarrieT]

I'm really confused here!

 

I hate to say it, but this is just Leigh being Leigh... We've seen it before (two years running) and she continues to ignore the advise given:

 

THERAPY.THERAPY.THERAPY.THERAPY.THERAPY.THERAPY.THERAPY

[Leigh 87]

Okay, no surprise that Andrew probably wouldn't be great with boundaries and relational stuff.

 

No offense intended whatsoever.

 

I believe relationships to be "skill sets" not necessarily character and so forth.

 

He just may not have learned boundary/relationship skills.

 

His friends don't sound particularly charming.

But it sounds like they don't govern his behavior either (which is good).

 

 

 

I HATE that he is with a group of people, who all talk to the girl who told me that I was am ugly piece of sh*t that all Andrew mates found ugly, and that Andrew was not attracted to me.

 

Sorry it makes me laugh - these people are deluded!!; I am a normal looking girl. NOT ugly in the least. In fact, I have no troublle getting guys, as lot of people find me attractive, more so than people who find me " ugly".......

And between you and me... That girl is NOT attractive. At all. I am MUCH better looking than her. So it is very deluded of her and her " mates" to all think I am ugly and repulsive, to the extent they all make fun of it and make a big deal about " Andrew's g/f being so ugly" When they over lookt he fact she is not great looking herself.... but apparently all say how ugly I am.

 

 

 

 

The group of people with him all know the people who called me ugly. One of the guys with him IS a person who told A LOT of people how ugly I was behidn my back....

They all know this about me. I do not LIKE him being around people who think badly of me - ESPECIALLY because they are ignorant people, who do not even know me!

I am a lovely person and am much nicer than they are....

 

Frankly - I do not have the time to invest in even talking badly about people!!!!! If I have nothing to say I do not say it!! Where as THESe people are the types who comment on people being ugly......

[Leigh 87]

I hate to say it, but this is just Leigh being Leigh... We've seen it before (two years running) and she continues to ignore the advise given:

 

THERAPY.THERAPY.THERAPY.THERAPY.THERAPY.THERAPY.THERAPY

 

 

 

Yes, but a lot of people are not comfortable with their much loved partner going to party for ten days, extremely drunk, where a lot of girls will also be partying, equally as drunk.

 

 

And I want to see another therapist, but have to set it all up, find one, and make sure my current health care plan covers it.

 

I am being slow with therapy because I am busy with life. Of course I will not forget bout it though..

 

Although I DO think it is pretty normal what I am feeling, about not being thrillled about his partying ways, with NO contact from him...

[dreamingoftigers]

Leigh,

 

You completely ignored the professional help bit.

 

Honestly I think some IC is pretty crucial.

 

Or I think that you WILL lose this relationship, and the next one after it.

 

You aren't getting any real benefit from protecting that abandonment trigger or those insecurities.

 

I am not saying this from a place of "looking down on you" or any garbage like that, I just have a much much happier and stable life on the other side of those issues than I ever had before.

 

I lost a relationship I really cared about because of my emotional issues. It was awful and I felt a lot of shame and guilt over that.

 

In hindsight I'm glad I did because I have a really cute little 3 year-old daughter now with my husband. And honestly she wouldn't have been anywhere near as cute if I had her with the other guy (but that really isn't the point. )

 

But yes it can and does happen, and it seems unexpected because you can stretch your mate so far, but eventually anyone can break. I think you are closer to that than you realize. Plus around the 2-3 year mark, relationships start to shift from the honeymoon into a more committed state. Everytime a relationship reaches a "transition point" the odds of it surviving get lower. If it makes it past a transition point, the odds (naturally) increase.

 

Without going for therapy I'm not sure it would pull through.

 

 

 

Yes, I know it is important to think I am pretty awesome and have my own life going as well as it can.

 

I AM doing things to make myself feel confident; for me, working out 5 days a week, eating heallthily which comes naturally to me, and making new friends and having a more active social life, are all thins I am doing right now.

 

I would be fine if he contacted me regularly whilst over there.. not every day, just within the first 2 days there, just to let me know he loves me and everything is ok.

 

I guess I am a person who needs regular contact when their partner is overseas partying. I have always been totally cool with him partying when he is home in Australia - it is ONLY the times he has been away from me with no contact, partying and getting drunk with girls - that it bothers me.

 

Obviously, I should have told him what I needed. I knwo he would have been happy to give it to me.

[Leigh 87]

Okay, no surprise that Andrew probably wouldn't be great with boundaries and relational stuff.

 

No offense intended whatsoever.

 

I believe relationships to be "skill sets" not necessarily character and so forth.

 

He just may not have learned boundary/relationship skills.

 

His friends don't sound particularly charming.

But it sounds like they don't govern his behavior either (which is good).

 

 

 

I am his first relationship. He lived with a girl whilst they travelled together for 3 months, but that was not the day to day daily grind, it was the high points of life - travel without working - and not the daily stressers of mundane life. Hence it was not a propper relationship - she told me she considered him a very good friend, with benifits. I am unsure if she loved him or not. Or vise versa. I think he did.

 

 

 

Obviously he is very inexperienced with relationships. But he has done well in some regards! For instance, he was not into oral sex with girls ( giving), and only ever liked it with that girl before me, and seldom did it to her in 4 months even though he really adored her.

So he told me that because it was a deal breaker for me, that of course he would do it more and more and learn to like it more. Which he did.

 

I have an issue with trust though that I need to address for HIM, and for me.....

 

 

 

 

 

................ahh cr@p, I realised that lately, I have starfetd to get paranoid when he is home, but awa doing something for longer than I thought he would - I think he could be with other girls etc etc.......................

 

I have gottrn worse in that regard.

 

 

 

 

OH - and your SPOT ON I think, with your theory on me pushing him away, to protect myself from losing someone that I love so much.

 

 

I have re read that a lot...

[dreamingoftigers]

And I want to see another therapist, but have to set it all up, find one, and make sure my current health care plan covers it.

 

I am being slow with therapy because I am busy with life. Of course I will not forget bout it though..

 

Although I DO think it is pretty normal what I am feeling, about not being thrillled about his partying ways, with NO contact from him...

 

Then DO it.

 

Of course it may be normal to feel it, but it isn't normal for it to kneecap your days and to feel that you have to dump him over it.

 

Or go through agony about him being gone.

 

How much longer is he gone for?

[Star Gazer]

I am not comfortable with him going on a holiday, because the purpose for him OF the holiday, is to get as drunk as possible and party every day.

 

He does not feel the need to contact me while he is over there, therefore I do not feel reasured and comfortable or safe.

 

I feel like the best friend I have been hanging out with every day for the past two years, could easily be dancing with girls, and due to being too drunk, doing things he would not normally do if he was sober.

 

Being drunk is no excuse for cheating - because in most cases, the guy KNOW'S what he is doing. Where as if you get TOO drunk, I believe he could easily start dancing with a girl or girls, and then get so drunk and take things futher.

 

Maybe he thinks he can control himself when he is heavil drunk? Hence why he puts himself in this position.. because he feels in control enough to NOT cheat.

 

I actually think he will really miss me and be devastated too, about life without me.

 

OH well, I guess going away without your girlfriend, to party for ten days straight and get heavily drunk is not something that I am comfortable with.

 

He hasn't done any of this. You're assuming he will.

 

That said, all of this should be okay in an open relationship. You two have not pledged fidelity to one another. Quite the opposite.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am being slow with therapy because I am busy with life. Of course I will not forget bout it though..

 

.

 

Leigh, that is really not honest.

[Leigh 87]

Dreamingoft - thanks for looking after me and taking an interest in my thread. Your advice and posts have bee such a help to me. It helps me a LOT to be on here, working out ways I can move forward and address my issues.

 

I will look into the book when I get paid next - or see if the library has it.

 

On Monday I will look into getting a new therapist. It has taken me a while to realise that the old one helped by just talking to me, as I was lonley and isolated from people up until recently.... But I do need another therapist.

 

I agree, and Andrew agrees - that unless I change, we won't work. He has held on much longer than a normal person would, because he is too attached and loves me too much to just let me go.

 

We Have TRIED to " not be together" until I get help, but we can never stay away from each other, and are SO much happier when we are together and miss each other FAR too much apart. We get back together, we are happy, and I forget to address my issues.

 

I cannot even face my true feelings, because they are too big to realize; thinking of how close we are, lying in bed together... and how in contrast, he is now away from me, partying... UGH:sick::sick::sick:

 

 

 

 

I have issues where I cannot feel if he is sexually into me the way man in love SHOULD be, I cannot FEEL basic things like that - where as he sais HE IS all those things, yet I cannot feel it, and I wonder if it IS ME or if it is actually true.

 

He thinks it is very messed up how I apparantly think things that are not true..... about his feelings for me, for istance.....

[dreamingoftigers]

 

 

................ahh cr@p, I realised that lately, I have starfetd to get paranoid when he is home, but awa doing something for longer than I thought he would - I think he could be with other girls etc etc.......................

 

I have gottrn worse in that regard.

 

OH - and your SPOT ON I think, with your theory on me pushing him away, to protect myself from losing someone that I love so much.

 

 

I have re read that a lot...

 

I wasn't sure if I articulated that well, posting on iPhone is difficult. Often you can't see the top part of the post after you type it in.

 

And then my kid came in because she fell. I just have to repeat this somewhere: "mom, my knee fell on the ground with my book. It wasn't bary fun."

 

So cute.

------------------------------

 

I know it it is tough going through those feelings day after day.

I think that many people have that same trigger and think that if they don't go through it after a number of years that it means that they no longer love their partner even. They say things like "I don't miss him/her while I'm away. Thru don't make me feel that drug-like quality anymore."

 

The truth is that that is when a lit of relationships can be real and have real, positive intimacy without worrying about the instability and pain that goes with it. People can be very fickle about relationships.

[Leigh 87]

He hasn't done any of this. You're assuming he will.

 

That said, all of this should be okay in an open relationship. You two have not pledged fidelity to one another. Quite the opposite.

 

 

 

He does not see it as open. He does not want to be with other girls, and said he never would. He considers it cheating.

 

The fact I let him see a hooker, or LET him at one stage ( as this is NOT something that I plan on upholding) does NOT mean we both have agreed to be able to be with other people.

 

 

 

 

.... the hooker thing came about because I am very easy going; I assumed that a guy could be in love, and not have to go without sex from any other girl again.

 

It just made sense to me that I could find a guy who loved me, but that it is better for them to be able to have sex with a hooker occasionally - because even men in love would enjoy the varity of a new body, rather thas same person their entire lives.

 

However, I have gotten over this phase now, and Andrew shouldn't have an issue with it. He has acted like it is a non issue with him. When I have alluded to me NOT wanting any more hookers for him ever, he just says " leigh geez I don't care about those things, if u allow it fine, but id you dont I could not care less, can we stop talking about other people in the realtionship and just focus on being together"

 

But neither of us EVER allowed for each other to hook up with others. Not outside the hookers I have gotten him a couple of times.

And I do not think it is IN us, based on how we feel towards each other, to be with other people.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, that is really not honest.

 

 

 

:o:o:o oops hmm well I did not intend to be dishonest?

 

And the reason I KNOW I will see a therapist, is because I love Andrew and what we have together enough to do it. I just cannot let this go without tring to change - and I KNOW now that I need a therapist to inact this.

 

I tried changing on my own and have not been able to. Iam just very normal in my day to day life and so it is hard for me to think anything is wrong - and also Andrew and I are happy, the ONLY thing is my issues....

 

So we ar every happy, and then my issues get in the way... then we are happy and I forget to address my issues.

 

 

 

It scares me that I have PROMISED myself I would change, in order to be with him, yet I HAVE NOT.

It is very scary - I would do anything to save this relationship, yet I fail to make the changes I need.

 

 

I need therapy for it, just someone to give me stratagies to overcome my bad impulses.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, it sounds like Andrew has some shoring up to do as well.

 

I don't think he will do this but, don't let him hold this stuff over you or the fact that you will be going for help etc.

 

There's probably (there is) some immaturity on that end of things.

 

I'm glad that you are willing/planning to go.

 

I think it'll really help. Your thread caught me because I could feel how vulnerable you are and sensitive to this relationship. I also wouldn't wish an abandonment trigger on my worst enemy. ( well.... Maybe for educational purposes temporarily).

 

I wasn't able to attend IC the last times my abandonment trigger hit.

 

Another book I found helpful was Taming Your Outer Child and I found the spending 2-3 hours hiking really did so much for my confidence etc.

 

Completely alone and doing something most people font regularly was really a boost. I did it 2-3 times a week last summer. Urban hikes count too. It also boosts the happy hormones

[Leigh 87]

I wasn't sure if I articulated that well, posting on iPhone is difficult. Often you can't see the top part of the post after you type it in.

 

And then my kid came in because she fell. I just have to repeat this somewhere: "mom, my knee fell on the ground with my book. It wasn't bary fun."

 

So cute.

------------------------------

 

I know it it is tough going through those feelings day after day.

I think that many people have that same trigger and think that if they don't go through it after a number of years that it means that they no longer love their partner even. They say things like "I don't miss him/her while I'm away. Thru don't make me feel that drug-like quality anymore."

 

The truth is that that is when a lit of relationships can be real and have real, positive intimacy without worrying about the instability and pain that goes with it. People can be very fickle about relationships.

 

 

 

 

 

YOUR DAUGHTER IS VERY CUTE!!!!!!!!!!

 

I lOVE kids. I do not want my own, but love them! Sadly, Andrew would be a FANTASTIC father! We both think about what it would be like to have children. We both want to travel and make life about accumulating money and travelling and going on road trips and exploring Australia first.

 

All this friends are getting married and wanting to buy houses and not thinking of extensive travel, where as we want to have that life together first before settling down.

 

Although marriage is something we both think fondly of.

 

 

 

 

OK so - you appear to have some very good insight about relationships You have got my full attention here...............

 

So how did YOU deal with losing this guy; WHY did you lose him ( you faile dto get help for what issues exactly? Something similar or overlapping og mine I read it as.....)

And HOW did you know you were " fixed"?

 

 

I have not gotten to that healthy phase where I just feel "right" about myself and my intimate relationships yet, but I like myself enough and know I have a lot going for me ( because I like who I am and the firextion i want to go in in life)

So I am still happy along the way to getting help and reaching this " healthy" place..

 

But it sounds like a huge weight will be lifted of my shoulders once I bcome " well" enough.....

 

 

 

I am prepared to really right for and work hard to save my relationship with Andrew.