Flagirl2 Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Some of you know my story from my previous post. I have decided to end my A with OM. Do I have a last conversation with him? I'm struggling bad. I haven't eaten since the decision. I'm sick. He will twist things. That I know. I want a peaceful good bye, but he's going to make this be all my fault and the guilt sets in and then I end up begging to take me back. It's the manipulation he uses on me. I'm looking for advice on what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Some of you know my story from my previous post. I have decided to end my A with OM. Do I have a last conversation with him? I'm struggling bad. I haven't eaten since the decision. I'm sick. He will twist things. That I know. I want a peaceful good bye, but he's going to make this be all my fault and the guilt sets in and then I end up begging to take me back. It's the manipulation he uses on me. I'm looking for advice on what to do. Email him. Tell him you need the distance to keep your strength. This is your fault -- it's YOUR decision and you should be proud of that. No one can make you speak to them, not even him. Give him the respect of a goodbye and ask him to respect it for you. Don't let him close enough to manipulate you. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Some of you know my story from my previous post. I have decided to end my A with OM. Do I have a last conversation with him? I'm struggling bad. I haven't eaten since the decision. I'm sick. He will twist things. That I know. I want a peaceful good bye, but he's going to make this be all my fault and the guilt sets in and then I end up begging to take me back. It's the manipulation he uses on me. I'm looking for advice on what to do. Your first priority has to be to taking care of yourself, because you have been having and are having such a rough time. It sounds to me like a conversation with him could end up with you feeling even worse and could end with you making compromises which are not in your best interests. Another possibility is communicating in writing. You have options, communicating in writing and blocking or ignoring any response from OM, or choosing to read the response (if he sends one). Other posters have said (in other cases) that the AP or MP deserves a good bye, some even say in person. I don't think this is so clear, and when the A has been damaging, there has been lots of manipulation, or health is at risk, I say you should just do what is best for you. Given that he will almost certainly contact you if you simply try to go NC, it is probably best to do something to say you are ending things for your own sanity and health. This can be a brief message and he may still continue to contact you, in which case, you can block or ignore. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Good for you. He can say what ever he wants to, but you do not have to listen. Tell him you need to find your self, That you need him to understand and respect your decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flagirl2 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 Unfortunately, I cannot block him. We work together and I have tried, but our system will not let us block emails from within the office. I have not talked to him since last night. I was going crazy this morning. I was close to emailing him. My anxiety was way up. A few minutes ago, I got an email from him. I didn't respond, but I am calm again. It seriously is like a drug. All I needed was that email, that fix, to keep me calm. I'm scared. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 I don't know about a "good" goodbye...but he needs to hear, know, feel that the affair is OVER. He needs it that clearly too. Email/text/call...whatever you need to get the message across, but tell him point blank that it is over, it's done, and that he is to never contact you again. Spell it out like that...or you leave the door open for contact to resume, which nearly always leads to the affair resuming as well. Once you've done that...BLOCK his emails/calls/texts/IM's. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Unfortunately, I cannot block him. We work together and I have tried, but our system will not let us block emails from within the office. I have not talked to him since last night. I was going crazy this morning. I was close to emailing him. My anxiety was way up. A few minutes ago, I got an email from him. I didn't respond, but I am calm again. It seriously is like a drug. All I needed was that email, that fix, to keep me calm. I'm scared. What you are feeling is normal, although maybe more intense than some, under the circumstances. You have been getting a fix from OM and you will crave that. Good for you for recognizing this. You can recognize it, acknowledge it, and remind yourself that this too shall pass. You can survive the craving for the fix, the emptiness of not getting the fix, and as you keep doing that, at some point, it will get a bit easier. It does not come quickly or easily and so you need to develop some strategies for what to do when you have urges, pain, whether it is art, writing, hot baths, running, yoga, family, friends, movies, puzzles,... and, sometimes, it will just be curling up and crying, but even then you should try to remind yourself, this is part of the process onto a healthier path and you can survive this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 If you truly decide to break off A with him, I mean truly, not hesitate, the better approach is let the communication dieing down itself. No goodbye, no talk req'd. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 I think you need support in all this. Have you considered going back to the counselor you had or seek other counseling? Or considered seeking support from your friends and family? Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Unfortunately, I cannot block him. We work together and I have tried, but our system will not let us block emails from within the office. This will set you back. Repeatedly. You will NOT be able to go NC as long as you work with him Even though you have already stated you won't consider leaving, I would ask you to reconsider. At the very least consider a passive job hunt. I have not talked to him since last night. I was going crazy this morning. I was close to emailing him. My anxiety was way up. A few minutes ago, I got an email from him. I didn't respond, but I am calm again. It seriously is like a drug. All I needed was that email, that fix, to keep me calm. I'm scared. You choose the method of the "goodbye". Do what's best for you. Personally, I'd send an email. As Owl says, make it perfectly clear the A is over and done. That he is NOT to contact you outside of reasonable and legitimate work concerns. Then block all the avenues you can. This is where the rubber meets the road. It's your life. How do you want to live it? Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 I think you need support in all this. Have you considered going back to the counselor you had or seek other counseling? Other counseling Her current IC is giving bad advice - based on what we know anyhow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flagirl2 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 I think you need support in all this. Have you considered going back to the counselor you had or seek other counseling? I am looking at other counselors right now. I don't think the other one was the right fit for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flagirl2 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 Or considered seeking support from your friends and family? My friends and family know nothing of this A. The only person I could talk to is OM Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Yoy have us to support you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 I have to disagree about sending an email. Personally I would suggest let it dieing down. This will set you back. Repeatedly. You will NOT be able to go NC as long as you work with him Even though you have already stated you won't consider leaving, I would ask you to reconsider. At the very least consider a passive job hunt. You choose the method of the "goodbye". Do what's best for you. Personally, I'd send an email. As Owl says, make it perfectly clear the A is over and done. That he is NOT to contact you outside of reasonable and legitimate work concerns. Then block all the avenues you can. This is where the rubber meets the road. It's your life. How do you want to live it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flagirl2 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 Well, we did just have our last conversation. I don't know what I took from it. I feel tired and sad. He didn't really say much. He said he will give me what I need but he doesn't want that. I guess the work really starts now. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 There was no need to even speak to him. Every time you talk it is designed to make him feel better and you feel worse - hence no need to communicate at all! Look for a new job! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flagirl2 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 2Sunny. I do know that. I knew that going into the conversation. It's always been like that. I always feel worse coming out and he probably feels better. But at least I do know that and I was prepared for that. I have started searching for a new job. I actually started that last week. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Then why didn't you say " there's not one thing we need to discuss!"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flagirl2 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 Then why didn't you say " there's not one thing we need to discuss!"? He would have been floored and confused if I just cut contact. I had to at least tell him something. We both would always be wondering. This way we both have a little bit of closure. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 He would have been floored and confused if I just cut contact. I had to at least tell him something. We both would always be wondering. This way we both have a little bit of closure. Who cares how he feels? Start being more concerned with how you feel! You have closure - he's married! Link to post Share on other sites
MourningLosses Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 My friend dumped me by email. The first time he took it back on the phone and in person. The second time was much worse, a really harsh email about how I hadn't accepted it. Funny thing: it had the opposite effect. The unnecessary cruelty plus the fact he took it back months earlier, means I still don't think it's really him. I don't think he feels nothing for me. I think he has decided he can't leave his wife right now and she's demanded he's mean to me. I don't know your story but will he believe it's you and you mean it if you email? Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 I almost replied the same thing but saw it had been said so. Remember MMs dont care OWs how OWs feel, so why should you care about the MM? Who cares how he feels? Start being more concerned with how you feel! You have closure - he's married! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 He would have been floored and confused if I just cut contact. I had to at least tell him something. We both would always be wondering. This way we both have a little bit of closure. He views you as weak... Don't be that gal. Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flagirl2 Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 I don't know your story but will he believe it's you and you mean it if you email? He will believe it's me, for sure. No way around that really. Whether he believes I mean it is up to me. I'm sure he thinks I will come back. I always did in the past. I'm hoping I have reached my "enough is enough" limit. Link to post Share on other sites
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