Travelling to visit my boyfriend secretly

[LondonS84]

Dear all,

 

I need some honest advice.

 

I'm 28 years old and have been in a longdistance relationship with my 30 year old boyfriend for 4 years. I'm in London and he is in Chicago. We want to get married as soon as he finished his studies this year.

 

In the space of 4 years we have met twice in person, with him coming to visit both times. We spent 2 months together but it felt like much more. We had a wonderful time.

 

I booked tickets to visit him for 1 week this September. I;ve never visited him due to my conservative parents - I am still living at home with them (I'm moving out in Oct).

 

I'm now having nightmares. I havent told my parents I'm going to see him - I;ve simply said I'm going away to a conference for a week in another city. I planned to call them regularly from my mobile so that they wouldn't realise I was actually abroad.

 

My parents have made it difficult for me in that my boyfriend and I want to marry. We have tried to be open and transparent with them but they refused his proposal 6 months ago, and did not want to get to know him. It set me on a path of low mood and constant tears.

 

My plan was to wait for him to finish his degree and then stand my ground with my parents. My fear is that if they find out about this trip, they will never accept him.

 

We really want to see each other in 6 weeks time. He really wants to show me his home, friends and family. He was unable to come himself due to the short break and the fact that he needs to be relaxed for the last bit of his degree.

 

My boyfriend is now saying that I may want to consider cancelling as I am getting anxious and thinking about it so much. He fears that even if I come I will spend my time being anxious about being found out.

 

The next time I could get to see him would be January 2013, as he has no break up until then. He would come to spend 2 months here with me. The other option would be to postpone my ticket until after I move out as it would be easier to be away for a week then. However he has no break and I'd spend hours on my own.

 

I feel silly. I am 28, but due to my upbringing and culture I've come to be very careful of hurting my parents feelings; often just accepting their dominant ways. They are brilliant parents who have really struggled to provide me with a wonderful upbringing and education. However when it comes to me making my own choice of partner they simply go crazy.

 

I have nightmares of having an accident whilst abroad and my parents having to find out that I am no where near them. I can't imagine putting my parents through that.

 

But equally I really want to go, and do something which I haven't done before with my boyfriend. Be carefree and happy without thinking about consequences.

 

 

Thank you for reading & appreciate all advice.

[justwhoiam]

I can't think of going that far away and don't tell my parents. Be fair to them.

You arrange a meeting in the living room or something and simply tell them. Very calmly. I would actually involve them in my plan. Who's going to take you to the airport? Wouldn't you like them to take you there? Or is a friend taking you there?

 

They can't tell you who to marry. People can make mistakes and that's part of life. Tell them you are an adult capable of deciding for herself.

 

Why didn't they like your boyfriend? Based on what? What did they say? Try to understand their point of view and explain your reasons. Do you have siblings/aunts? They could support you

 

Did you just drop the bomb on them? Did they actually know you had a bf for 4 years?

[blugirl]

You're a typical case of having overprotective and dominant parents - but what's worse, you're being submissive/obedient to them and that is something I will never understand - maybe because I have a rebellious personality despite being a 24-yr-old and I've been always fighting with mum for my independence or maybe because of the different culture... Anyway, no matter which culture you were brought in, there is something like 'universal rules of healthy relationships between parents and their adult children' and one of them is: letting the children lead their life the way they want to, with the person they love, no matter what race he/she is, etc etc.

 

Let's be honest, most of the parents (also mine) are brilliant, they have done a good job in bringing us up, providing for us, resigning from something just to get that for us - but all of those doesn't mean in the least that they have a right to decide about our lives. It is a normal thing in the animal world to let the adult kid free and not interfere with their actions anymore after doing their job of bringing them up, and it's how it should be in human world as well - unfortnately, most of the parents seem to have this kind of 'error' where they simply can't let go and mess in with their kids' lives, or they are unbelievably overbearing, etc. I know what I'm talking about cause my mum is like that, and yeah, I'm the only child -_- So I'm struggling with all my power to save up money quickly and move out and not let her interfere with my life. At the same time I love her and am grateful for everything she's ever done for me but I wont let her poke her nose into my life and who I choose to be my bf. I'm in LDR too and my bf is of different race so I can predict I'll have to brace for a huge battle with her when she gets to know.

 

Back to the topic, someone wise said that in order to start having your own life/start your own family, you must get a divorce with your family first. It means, to brake free from under your parents' overprotective wings and to show them, politely but firmly, that you can provide for yourself, be independent and thus, can decide about your own life by yourself. Beware of being guilt-tripped, that's a common trick used by overbearing parents who can't stand seeing their adult kids moving away and use manipulatory tricks, playing on your emotions to keep you with them or to make you feel guilty of your actions.

 

Your life is in your hands so don't let your parents waste your relationship. In this case, they want good for you but they're doing the wrong thing. Start being more assertive and good luck.

Edited August 9, 2012 by blugirl

[FitChick]

Would your parents kill you (honor killing)? Would your parents accept him if he converted to Islam?

[justwhoiam]

Would your parents kill you (honor killing)? Would your parents accept him if he converted to Islam?

Islam? I guess you know something I don't know

[LondonS84]

I can't think of going that far away and don't tell my parents. Be fair to them.

You arrange a meeting in the living room or something and simply tell them. Very calmly. I would actually involve them in my plan. Who's going to take you to the airport? Wouldn't you like them to take you there? Or is a friend taking you there?

 

They can't tell you who to marry. People can make mistakes and that's part of life. Tell them you are an adult capable of deciding for herself.

 

Why didn't they like your boyfriend? Based on what? What did they say? Try to understand their point of view and explain your reasons. Do you have siblings/aunts? They could support you

 

Did you just drop the bomb on them? Did they actually know you had a bf for 4 years?

 

Thank you for your reply. I think it has been really hard for me to find a balance between what i want to do and what they expect of me. I don't think I would be able to discuss it with them - not travelling there to see him anyway.

 

I do plan to sit down with them and explain to them how I feel about him and that I am choosing to marry him when the time is right for both of us. I think when it al happened the first time around I was pretty shocked. i never thought they would behave like that.

 

They don't know my boyfriend much so I don't think they can form an opinion about him. What they didn't like is that fact that he lives in the US and the felt that I would leave them if they agreed. I am the only daughter and we have always been close. They also felt that as they didn't know him/his family they couldnt "trust" him.

 

You have given me plenty to think about - thank you

[LondonS84]

You're a typical case of having overprotective and dominant parents - but what's worse, you're being submissive/obedient to them and that is something I will never understand - maybe because I have a rebellious personality despite being a 24-yr-old and I've been always fighting with mum for my independence or maybe because of the different culture... Anyway, no matter which culture you were brought in, there is something like 'universal rules of healthy relationships between parents and their adult children' and one of them is: letting the children lead their life the way they want to, with the person they love, no matter what race he/she is, etc etc.

 

Let's be honest, most of the parents (also mine) are brilliant, they have done a good job in bringing us up, providing for us, resigning from something just to get that for us - but all of those doesn't mean in the least that they have a right to decide about our lives. It is a normal thing in the animal world to let the adult kid free and not interfere with their actions anymore after doing their job of bringing them up, and it's how it should be in human world as well - unfortnately, most of the parents seem to have this kind of 'error' where they simply can't let go and mess in with their kids' lives, or they are unbelievably overbearing, etc. I know what I'm talking about cause my mum is like that, and yeah, I'm the only child -_- So I'm struggling with all my power to save up money quickly and move out and not let her interfere with my life. At the same time I love her and am grateful for everything she's ever done for me but I wont let her poke her nose into my life and who I choose to be my bf. I'm in LDR too and my bf is of different race so I can predict I'll have to brace for a huge battle with her when she gets to know.

 

Back to the topic, someone wise said that in order to start having your own life/start your own family, you must get a divorce with your family first. It means, to brake free from under your parents' overprotective wings and to show them, politely but firmly, that you can provide for yourself, be independent and thus, can decide about your own life by yourself. Beware of being guilt-tripped, that's a common trick used by overbearing parents who can't stand seeing their adult kids moving away and use manipulatory tricks, playing on your emotions to keep you with them or to make you feel guilty of your actions.

 

Your life is in your hands so don't let your parents waste your relationship. In this case, they want good for you but they're doing the wrong thing. Start being more assertive and good luck.

 

Blugirl, I totally agree with you. I need to break free and have my own life. In many ways I already do. I am very independent, I work and only moved back home because my family missed me/I missed them and wanted me to stay a lottle longer.

 

There is a lot of emotional play involved and I was extremely shocked at the way my mom reacted initially when she met him. She is scared of losing me - to what I dont know. Of course I appreciate everything she has done for me, but I am also keen to steer my own life in the direction I want.

 

I have to admite that at first I thought they might be right and almost broke up with my boyfriend. But I've learnt a lot - you can love/honour/respect your parents and still firmly say no to them.

 

I still have to decide what to do about the trip.

[LondonS84]

Would your parents kill you (honor killing)? Would your parents accept him if he converted to Islam?

 

 

Wow, what an ignorant comment!! Why did you even bother?!

[sally4sara]

Wow, what an ignorant comment!! Why did you even bother?!

 

Well yeah.

 

But I think its hard for many people to understand why you would let this continue on to the age you have reached. I don't think she was trying to be mean so much as grasping to understand why such an unusual dynamic has occurred between you and your parents.

For instance. You say:

 

"I am very independent, I work and only moved back home because my family missed me/I missed them"

 

Its normal to miss loved family members but most people and their parents understand the need of some distance once the child grows up and has reached adulthood. You would not be the first girl child to grow up, fall in love and dictate the course of your life and relationships. Yet you retreated back to the familial home and your mother is freaking out like you proposed moving to the moon. I think many people would be wondering why.

[cerridwen]

Blugirl, I totally agree with you. I need to break free and have my own life. In many ways I already do. I am very independent, I work and only moved back home because my family missed me/I missed them and wanted me to stay a lottle longer.

 

There is a lot of emotional play involved and I was extremely shocked at the way my mom reacted initially when she met him. She is scared of losing me - to what I dont know. Of course I appreciate everything she has done for me, but I am also keen to steer my own life in the direction I want.

 

I have to admite that at first I thought they might be right and almost broke up with my boyfriend. But I've learnt a lot - you can love/honour/respect your parents and still firmly say no to them.

 

I still have to decide what to do about the trip.

 

London,

I feel for you and agree wholeheartedly with the assertion that one can both love one's parents and say no to them.

 

Because you three are so enmeshed, pulling away won't be easy.

But I believe it's the right answer.

 

As you're discovering, sometimes there is no compromise.

It simply comes down to either doing what they say, or having a life by your design.

There's no in between.

 

IMO,

we need not be sacrificial lambs for parents who have their own selfish reasons for making decisions for us.

 

Their issues need not be yours.

 

Their need to control need not keep you controlled.

 

It's difficult I know, but if you don't at least begin to make moves in the direction of independence, I fear you'll be the "dutiful daughter" forever.

 

 

Wow, what an ignorant comment!! Why did you even bother?!

 

Indeed.

 

Two words: posting history.

[FitChick]

Only sally4sara seems to have a clue. I can see the fear of death would justify a grown woman being terrified to leave home or marry the man of her choice. Perhaps she doesn’t want to end up like these women.

 

'Honour killings': Canadian jury finds Afghan family guilty | World news | guardian.co.uk

 

Parents of Shafilea Ahmed deny 'honour killing' of daughter | UK news | The Guardian

 

Father Found Guilty In Arizona 'Honor Killing' : The Two-Way : NPR

 

Would the replies have been different had the OP been from a strict Christian family? Political correctness runs amok.

 

Regardless of religion, I think the OP is afraid to be an independent adult, preferring to move from her parents' home to a husband's. It's also interesting that she has "dated" him for four years but has only seen him twice. Makes me wonder about him as well. Fear of confronting reality?

Edited August 10, 2012 by FitChick

[LondonS84]

Only sally4sara seems to have a clue. I can see the fear of death would justify a grown woman being terrified to leave home or marry the man of her choice. Perhaps she doesn’t want to end up like these women.

 

'Honour killings': Canadian jury finds Afghan family guilty | World news | guardian.co.uk

 

Parents of Shafilea Ahmed deny 'honour killing' of daughter | UK news | The Guardian

 

Father Found Guilty In Arizona 'Honor Killing' : The Two-Way : NPR

 

Would the replies have been different had the OP been from a strict Christian family? Political correctness runs amok.

 

Regardless of religion, I think the OP is afraid to be an independent adult, preferring to move from her parents' home to a husband's. It's also interesting that she has "dated" him for four years but has only seen him twice. Makes me wonder about him as well. Fear of confronting reality?

 

Goodness you are so dramatic! I find it awful that you have posted the stories above, about murderous parents who have decided to kill their own children for whatever sick reason, and that you are so keen to twist my story into something so horrible.

 

Continue your assumptions my dear. It's seems a great burden to be so judgemental. It would have been better had you left the "murder plot" out of my thread. It's sad.

 

It's not my independance I was concerned about or my relationship with my boyfriend I was questioning. I was concerned about hurting my parents feelings - whether those feelings are justified or not.

[FitChick]

Have your parents chosen someone else for you so that's why they dislike this guy? Plenty of people have married partners their parents disliked. If they want to see their grandkids, they will have no choice but to accept him.

 

It's interesting that you don't want to visit him right after you've moved out from under your parents' thumb just because you will have to spend "hours on my own." Most women in LDRs want to see their men ASAP. I did. I spent hours on my own while he was at work. I made good use of the time, getting to know the neighborhood, doing the shopping and having a nice meal on the table when he came home. It gave me a sense of what it would be like to live there.

 

Are you afraid to be alone? Is that why you still live at home? Are you afraid to experience life as a single, independent adult who can take care of herself or perhaps you prefer to have someone take care of you -- parents, then a husband?

 

You will be visiting a city you've never been, with lots of things to see and do during the day, like the Art Institute of Chicago and the Field Museum. It would make you a more interesting person for your boyfriend to talk to when he returns in the evening. Its a good way to know if you'd even want to live in that city.

 

Your choice is living for your parents or living for yourself.

[Forever Learning]

Only sally4sara seems to have a clue. I can see the fear of death would justify a grown woman being terrified to leave home or marry the man of her choice. Perhaps she doesn’t want to end up like these women.

 

'Honour killings': Canadian jury finds Afghan family guilty | World news | guardian.co.uk

 

Parents of Shafilea Ahmed deny 'honour killing' of daughter | UK news | The Guardian

 

Father Found Guilty In Arizona 'Honor Killing' : The Two-Way : NPR

 

Would the replies have been different had the OP been from a strict Christian family? Political correctness runs amok.

 

Regardless of religion, I think the OP is afraid to be an independent adult, preferring to move from her parents' home to a husband's. It's also interesting that she has "dated" him for four years but has only seen him twice. Makes me wonder about him as well. Fear of confronting reality?

 

 

LondonS84, I had the very same thought process that FitChick had. My mind immediately assumed your life might be at risk in some way, maybe due to your parents being Muslim. It's not unheard of, it happens on a daily basis around the world. Sad but true. And sometimes it happens in the UK and the USA (honor killings). Never used to hear about this 10 years ago here in the USA. Now it seems like I hear about it in the USA at least several times a year.

 

And I have two female acquaintences that were murdered, both by their boyfriends (neither was Muslim, by the way). In both cases, the guys got away with it (murder). So as messed up as that is, I am trying to be realistic and look out for your safety here. Fit Chick was trying to look out for you too. I am not implying your boyfriend is going to murder you, that is not anywhere close to what I am saying. I was thinking about your strict parents only, in the context of the articles Fit Chick provided. I am only saying that I have known people who have been murdered by folks they thought loved them. It's not just something that happens on TV shows or movies or you hear about on the news. It happens in real life with real people. Just a little reality check. Ok, enough of that.

 

Ok, so if your parents aren't Muslim and there's no chance of this happening in your opinion (only you would know), then the next thing to consider is them kicking you out. How will you survive if your parents kick you out of the house? I've known folks who's parents kicked them out, and they ended up living at homeless shelters. One lady couldn't even get into the homeless shelter, because they were full due to refugees from Louisiana from a hurricane that had passed through.

 

You should very carefully consider the worst case scenario of what your parents might do, should they discover you went to see your boyfriend, whom they don't approve of. And as Cerridwen said, ultimately set your sights on getting away from your parents and striking out on your own in life. All the best to you!

Edited August 10, 2012 by Forever Learning

[LondonS84]

Have your parents chosen someone else for you so that's why they dislike this guy? Plenty of people have married partners their parents disliked. If they want to see their grandkids, they will have no choice but to accept him.

 

It's interesting that you don't want to visit him right after you've moved out from under your parents' thumb just because you will have to spend "hours on my own." Most women in LDRs want to see their men ASAP. I did. I spent hours on my own while he was at work. I made good use of the time, getting to know the neighborhood, doing the shopping and having a nice meal on the table when he came home. It gave me a sense of what it would be like to live there.

 

Are you afraid to be alone? Is that why you still live at home? Are you afraid to experience life as a single, independent adult who can take care of herself or perhaps you prefer to have someone take care of you -- parents, then a husband?

 

You will be visiting a city you've never been, with lots of things to see and do during the day, like the Art Institute of Chicago and the Field Museum. It would make you a more interesting person for your boyfriend to talk to when he returns in the evening. Its a good way to know if you'd even want to live in that city.

 

Your choice is living for your parents or living for yourself.

 

Hi FitChick,

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

No they haven't chosen anyone else for me. They "disliked" the idea more than him I think. They felt that as they don't know him and his family who live abroad, he can't be trusted. In addition to that my parents (not me) are from a culture where it matters which "name"/clan you marry in to. I think they feel a social pressure to push me to marry from someone that would fit the criteria they have set. even I can't get my head around it so I stopped trying to understand them, and have just accepted that they hold different views from me.

 

You are absolutely right! Of course I want to see him ASAP and as much as I possibly can. Him being at work shouldn't hinder me, I don't know why I thought it would. In fact he was here visiting me whilst I had to work for part of his stay.

 

No, I'm not afraid of being on my own. I actually can't wait to move out in 2 months time. I already contribute to the household, probably the most of all of my siblings, so it would be nice to have some space of my own.

 

My tickets are already booked and I'm 99% sure I'm going. I want to live for myself.

 

Thanks.

x

[LondonS84]

LondonS84, I had the very same thought process that FitChick had. My mind immediately assumed your life might be at risk in some way, maybe due to your parents being Muslim. It's not unheard of, it happens on a daily basis around the world. Sad but true. And sometimes it happens in the UK and the USA (honor killings). Never used to hear about this 10 years ago here in the USA. Now it seems like I hear about it in the USA at least several times a year.

 

And I have two female acquaintences that were murdered, both by their boyfriends (neither was Muslim, by the way). In both cases, the guys got away with it (murder). So as messed up as that is, I am trying to be realistic and look out for your safety here. Fit Chick was trying to look out for you too. I am not implying your boyfriend is going to murder you, that is not anywhere close to what I am saying. I was thinking about your strict parents only, in the context of the articles Fit Chick provided. I am only saying that I have known people who have been murdered by folks they thought loved them. It's not just something that happens on TV shows or movies or you hear about on the news. It happens in real life with real people. Just a little reality check. Ok, enough of that.

 

Ok, so if your parents aren't Muslim and there's no chance of this happening in your opinion (only you would know), then the next thing to consider is them kicking you out. How will you survive if your parents kick you out of the house? I've known folks who's parents kicked them out, and they ended up living at homeless shelters. One lady couldn't even get into the homeless shelter, because they were full due to refugees from Louisiana from a hurricane that had passed through.

 

You should very carefully consider the worst case scenario of what your parents might do, should they discover you went to see your boyfriend, whom they don't approve of. And as Cerridwen said, ultimately set your sights on getting away from your parents and striking out on your own in life. All the best to you!

 

Hi Forever_learning. Thanks for your advice.

 

Firstly, I'm really sorry to hear about your friends. Sounds horrific!

 

My parents are loving and kind parents,and I'm not concerned.

 

 

I hate to hide things from them, yet I can't sit down and talk to them about it because we would not agree. They would then block my travel plans and I really want to see him. We've both had a very stressful year and are both due to start very demanding jobs soon and so need a break/holiday together.

 

I would be ok if they decided to kick me out. I work and would have no problems finding an apartment. I also have extended family living here and friends. My parent's wouldn't kick me out. They would probably start an emotional warfare with me, but not kick me out.

 

I have decided to go because I desperately want to. If I come to regret it one day then so be it. At least I would have learned something and would not have let my fears hold me back.

 

Ta.