Friends of opposite sex and dumb GFs!

[ShyOne82]

Why did her facebook message upset you so much? I'm asking because I don't know the story behind it. It's a weird thing to send to someone you don't know, but why did it make you snap?

 

Some of the other things you said in this thread make me wonder if your friend is telling you too much information about his relationship. It's good to give advice and listen, but I'm wondering if in your case it's actually causing problems. Why is he even telling you these things? So she had a package of condoms in her suitcase, so what? Knowing that you and his gf aren't getting along, you would think he would keep this stuff to himself instead of giving you more reasons to hate her. I'm starting to wonder if he enjoys having two women fight over him, because that's what you're doing.

 

They don't use condoms n he found an opened package when she came back from her trip. Well I snapped because i felt accused. My story may seem like the bad guy by the way i presented it but she was hostile towards me for no reason.

 

I'm not fighting over him. Everything I discussed between me and the girl all happened in one day.. so this wasn't ongoing.. her cheating has been n he's telling me about it yes i think he tells me too much but isn't that what friends do? I think everyone's blindsided because im a woman

[ShyOne82]

This is what I'm suspecting---there are some people who will set up a triangulation like this either:

 

to get an ego stroke

 

to play the *victim* for attention

 

to keep a gf/bf jumping through hoops by keeping the "threat" of a potential rival/competitor nearby

 

It's possible that the guy friend is orchestrating this, is what I'm saying.

Just a possibility.

 

I'm really starting to believe that myself.. when I replied to her messages. She was upset with him n forced him to delete me but all he told her was that she deserved it and how she should've never messaged me in the first place. Man i wish there was a chat here with audio, there's so much to this story

[SpiralOut]

They don't use condoms n he found an opened package when she came back from her trip. Well I snapped because i felt accused. My story may seem like the bad guy by the way i presented it but she was hostile towards me for no reason.

 

I'm not fighting over him. Everything I discussed between me and the girl all happened in one day.. so this wasn't ongoing.. her cheating has been n he's telling me about it yes i think he tells me too much but isn't that what friends do? I think everyone's blindsided because im a woman

 

Yes the condoms are relevant to him, but not to you. This is his relationship issue.

 

It's okay to tell your friend to stop telling you so much information. You don't have to listen to every detail if you don't want to; it won't make you a bad friend.

[jocy_20]

I've been in a situation far as having a bf who had more than one "homegirl." I didn't have an issue with it until I realized they were sending sexual texts and pics. He expected me to understand that it wasn't nothing JUST because they never had sex. I think it's all bullsh**. When I got into my new relationship and I had a very close male friend for years. I admit we discussed emotional topics but never sexual but men/women may look at that as suspicious, which it is. My bf asked me to not continue the relationship after he knew the history and it was hard.

 

I realized that if I want a bestfriend to talk about emotional, sexual, and personal things..it should be my bf only. I would be upset if my bf had an opposite sex bestfriend because I see that as a potential relationship, especially if she/he knew them more than I did..it's a battle that you could never win and that it painful and frustrating :\ It's just best you do what's best for your friend instead of yourself, you're just a friend. Anyone can make more friends and that's what bfs and gfs should assure their SOS that it's not a big deal to let the friend go.

 

It sounds mean but you can only understand if you're in a relationship looking at the other side. And it's crap if you have been in one and it didn't bother you because it should have, unless you didn't care about your SOS. To sum it up, it just shows respect, be selfless and accept that the gfs do not want you around. I was a bestie to a guy who had a gf and she told me she'd appreciate that I do not talk to her bf again and I respected that because that's THEIR relationship, not mine.

[freestyle]

I've been in a situation far as having a bf who had more than one "homegirl." I didn't have an issue with it until I realized they were sending sexual texts and pics. He expected me to understand that it wasn't nothing JUST because they never had sex. I think it's all bullsh**. When I got into my new relationship and I had a very close male friend for years. I admit we discussed emotional topics but never sexual but men/women may look at that as suspicious, which it is. My bf asked me to not continue the relationship after he knew the history and it was hard.

 

I realized that if I want a bestfriend to talk about emotional, sexual, and personal things..it should be my bf only. I would be upset if my bf had an opposite sex bestfriend because I see that as a potential relationship, especially if she/he knew them more than I did..it's a battle that you could never win and that it painful and frustrating :\ It's just best you do what's best for your friend instead of yourself, you're just a friend. Anyone can make more friends and that's what bfs and gfs should assure their SOS that it's not a big deal to let the friend go.

 

It sounds mean but you can only understand if you're in a relationship looking at the other side. And it's crap if you have been in one and it didn't bother you because it should have, unless you didn't care about your SOS. To sum it up, it just shows respect, be selfless and accept that the gfs do not want you around. I was a bestie to a guy who had a gf and she told me she'd appreciate that I do not talk to her bf again and I respected that because that's THEIR relationship, not mine.

 

I agree with this very much. I just didn't realize how true it is until I was in my thirties.

 

If there are going to be OS friends in the mix, they need to be friends with BOTH sides of a couple---otherwise the potential for undermining, sabotage, and triangulation is too high.

 

I've also learned that it's fairly rare to have TRULY platonic OS friends---it's not impossible, but in most cases, one side or the other is harboring a secret crush.

[jocy_20]

Oh lord.. I feel like I have to explain EVERYTHING. I dont have any sympathy for this particular girlfriend. Why do I owe HER respect? There's no girl code, we're not family.. i dont know her.. If my buddy cared about her so much he would have cut me off a long time ago. Its his job to keep is own relationship going, not me. I give him advice the best way I can and thats it. He's my best friend. Yes, your spouse can be your best friend, but not your only friend. If your relationship is already prioritized, whats wrong with having friends? This isnt about picking and choosing, who gets more time, who's more important bull crap. I never said anything about wanting to hang out with him all the time. I couldnt do that anyway. My post is about gfs who bitch at there men for NO REASON. You all assume that I must have not knowing the whole fricken story

 

Im not asking for everyone to agree with me.. I do want advice.. when the situation is completely understood. I feel like some of you guys are taking what I said and creating your own scenario.

 

I'd have more respect for her as a "woman" if she was true to herself. First of all, this woman had a text message in her phone from another man that said "did I eat you out good last night" Ok. well.. couple days later she sees a few back and forth messages in his inbox. Innocent messages and blows up at my friend. She sends me a message that said "Since you and Larry are facebook friends.. maybe you can find him somewhere to live" That message was unncessary given the fact that she's been receiving dirty messages and gets all bent out of shape when she sees that he is talking to a female. ITS ALL GUILTY CONSCIENCE and unfair. She's doing her dirt and is trying to control him so he cant do the same thing. Earlier in the post I did mention: "The issue is these women wanting control over their men, meanwhile they have male friends of their own.. this is a double standard" I was referring to that situation. I didnt know I had to give every bit of detail for ppl to understand.

 

At the end of the day I will always be there for him. Its his relationship and his job to keep the whore happy. He added me back on facebook yesterday. I dare her to get mad. Hmm.. which is worse, dirty text from another man or innocent conversation about music from a friend in another state? EXACTLY. I appreciate the responses, though

 

 

 

I agree with you about his gf having a guilty conscious when she does her dirt and is trying to make sure her bf doesn't find out, but it annoying the way you put yourself in the midst as if you and her bf are just friends and you know it urks her that you are friends with her bf, as if she deserve to feel insecure bc of her bfs friendship with you. O.o'. You're contradicting the whole platonic friendship with insecure, slutty gfs..its not right.

[jocy_20]

They don't use condoms n he found an opened package when she came back from her trip. Well I snapped because i felt accused. My story may seem like the bad guy by the way i presented it but she was hostile towards me for no reason.

 

I'm not fighting over him. Everything I discussed between me and the girl all happened in one day.. so this wasn't ongoing.. her cheating has been n he's telling me about it yes i think he tells me too much but isn't that what friends do? I think everyone's blindsided because im a woman

 

Seriously, to even know that they use condoms or not is very personal. HE sounds like he's starting this mess himself. He is just playing the victim it seems and he's putting you into his relationship issues which is not ok. Like I said, you should be selfless and think about him far as breaking off the relationship and let him and his gf handle their relationship and its issues. Simple. He uses you as an escape to talk about the gf and that shows that he isn't a good bf or friend. A smart person should recognize that.

[ShyOne82]

Seriously, to even know that they use condoms or not is very personal. HE sounds like he's starting this mess himself. He is just playing the victim it seems and he's putting you into his relationship issues which is not ok. Like I said, you should be selfless and think about him far as breaking off the relationship and let him and his gf handle their relationship and its issues. Simple. He uses you as an escape to talk about the gf and that shows that he isn't a good bf or friend. A smart person should recognize that.

 

She keeps lying saying that I am messaging her on FB when I am not. Now she is making up stories to give him reasons to delete me or cut me off period. Its his job as a man to deal with his relationship. Again, we dont even live in the same state or interact with each other like that. I get evryone's point of view.. but it isnt as bad as it looks. We will be friends until we're not. Friends tell each other things.. whats the difference between my buddy telling his "boys" about finding condoms? The whole gender thing is stupid. I am a female, but I am truly just his friend. Known him for several years and I refuse to let a good friend go over someone who just got in the picture and theyre not even working out. Ive sat back and watched women come and go because its life and I have nothing to do with his relationships... When he is happy I am happy for him, when hes upset I give him the best advice I can. lol Im not the only gal friend he has btw. You feel this way because of your own experiences. Im okay with my SO having friends. If he were to screw up.. then I guess he wasnt for me then right? Trust is a hell of a thing isnt it... and its very important. Women need to have more confidence and men need to reassure their women.. its not other ppls jobs to "step back".. Its fine out of respect, but if ur friend isnt trying to end the relationship am I supposed to just disappear? NOPE. He's one of my best friends..and its going to remain that way. Sucks for her right? lol

[Tea Leaf]

I only skimmed after the first page since this seems to be getting messy, but when my best friend started seeing his girlfriend she and I started talking to each other in addition to him talking to her about me. I think initially we both felt a little threatened because I had been her competition and she was his new girlfriend who could potentially split our friendship up, but once that was settled things went smoothly.

 

Show their girlfriends that you respect their relationship and are nonthreatening, maybe be willing to build an acquaintanceship with them so that they have a firsthand grasp on things and a line of communication, and most will relax. If she matters to your friend enough for him to be dating her, then she should be worth your respect or at least your civility.

[ShyOne82]

I only skimmed after the first page since this seems to be getting messy, but when my best friend started seeing his girlfriend she and I started talking to each other in addition to him talking to her about me. I think initially we both felt a little threatened because I had been her competition and she was his new girlfriend who could potentially split our friendship up, but once that was settled things went smoothly.

 

Show their girlfriends that you respect their relationship and are nonthreatening, maybe be willing to build an acquaintanceship with them so that they have a firsthand grasp on things and a line of communication, and most will relax. If she matters to your friend enough for him to be dating her, then she should be worth your respect or at least your civility.

 

THANK YOU. Best response Ive seen so far. Everyone one else was so concerned about who comes first, saying I was jealous, and other stupid stuff that had nothing to do with what I was discussing. I'd love to be civil. If she would just stop lying on me to get attention. In the same token, I cant take all the heat as my friend chose to keep our friendship as well. He needs to ease her mind.. and her and I should have a talk. If she continues to be disrespectful.. I cant help her.

[sally4sara]

Didn't appoint myself as the spokesperson for all woman, nor am I seeking the role. I gave my own opinion on the specific matter of the OP having male friends based on her own statements. You don't have to agree with my opinion. You don't have to like. Feel free to offer your own opinons, by all means disagree with me, but don't put words in my mouth.

 

Maybe try arguing the point why the OP should be trusted instead of making a personal attack on me and bringing up unrelated issues.

 

Um I didn't put the words "no woman in her right mind is going to" X,Y or Z. You typed that all on your own and when you did, you made a personal attack on anyone who doesn't think, like you do, that every woman under the sun is so much better that they can lift a guy away from them and what they offer in a relationship.

So speak for yourself and not sane women.

[NoMagicBullet]

Um I didn't put the words "no woman in her right mind is going to" X,Y or Z. You typed that all on your own and when you did, you made a personal attack on anyone who doesn't think, like you do, that every woman under the sun is so much better that they can lift a guy away from them and what they offer in a relationship.

So speak for yourself and not sane women.

 

Come on sally4sara, you aren't new around here. You know how internet forums and specifically LS work. You give good advice in a lot of other threads, so why are you so invested in trying to twist my words?

 

I specifically said, to the OP: "No, you should not have guy friends unless they're gay, because no woman in her right mind will let you be her man's "friend"."

 

That's my personal opinion of whoever would knowingly let her BF/husband be friends with the OP. Because of what I've seen of the OP's statements -- such as her saying that if she made a pass at her male friend and something happened, if would be his fault, not hers -- I do think a woman would be crazy to let the OP be their BF's friend if they had any inkling at all that she thinks like that. That is hardly a personal attack on all women everywhere who are okay with their men having opposite sex friends. For as long as you've been around these forums, you should know better.

 

Some women are probably decent friends to paired-up men -- I like to think I am one of them, having such a friend myself -- but based on what the OP has posted, I just cannot buy that she's one of the good ones. If you believe differently about the OP, then fine.

 

Stop arguing with me already about what I said -- I never spoke for you or anyone else, nor did I pretend to. For whatever reason, you are overreacting to my comment, and you're seeing things that aren't there. This thread is about the OP and her situation with this man and his GF.(Although the first post made it sound like a trend, so I'm not sure what's really going on, since the OP has been selectively choosing what information to share since she started it.) This thread is not some universal debate about all women everywhere letting their BFs have female friends. If you'd like to start that debate, go ahead and start your own thread on the issue. Drop it already in this thread, please.

 

Now, because I want to try to stay on topic, I'm going back to the thread at hand...

 

Sorry, ShyOne, but to me it seems like you're fishing for people who will agree with you. You didn't start out your thread saying you tried to be nice or considerate of your friend's GF and she blew you off -- you pretty much started right in bad mouthing her and made additional posts calling her a whore and listing out all the bad stuff she's done. It's hard to believe that you would like to be civil to her at this point if she would agree to be civil as well.

 

However, it is really messed up that you know all that personal, sexual stuff about your friend and this woman, and that's his fault, not yours. He really needs to be drawing clearer boundaries and not disclosing such things to friends, male or female. It would be one thing if he broke up with her and it was his explanation why he did, but he shouldn't be telling you these things while he's with her. I think a lot of the drama here is being generated by him because he's not defining those boundaries -- thus, he's giving his GF reason to be suspicious (apart from projecting her own alleged cheating) and giving you a lot of problems with her. This mess is something he needs to fix.

[SpiralOut]

She keeps lying saying that I am messaging her on FB when I am not. Now she is making up stories to give him reasons to delete me or cut me off period. Its his job as a man to deal with his relationship. Again, we dont even live in the same state or interact with each other like that. I get evryone's point of view.. but it isnt as bad as it looks. We will be friends until we're not. Friends tell each other things.. whats the difference between my buddy telling his "boys" about finding condoms? The whole gender thing is stupid.

Umm you admitted it yourself that you think he tells you too much information. Now you're trying to argue that it's okay for him to tell you if he and his girlfriend use condoms? That should stay strictly between himself and his gf. He is being a bad boyfriend to her just for telling you that. Did you follow my suggestion of telling him to stop telling you so much? Do you even want him to stop telling you all these things?

 

I am a female, but I am truly just his friend. Known him for several years and I refuse to let a good friend go over someone who just got in the picture and theyre not even working out. Ive sat back and watched women come and go because its life and I have nothing to do with his relationships... When he is happy I am happy for him, when hes upset I give him the best advice I can. lol Im not the only gal friend he has btw. You feel this way because of your own experiences. Im okay with my SO having friends. If he were to screw up.. then I guess he wasnt for me then right? Trust is a hell of a thing isnt it... and its very important. Women need to have more confidence and men need to reassure their women.. its not other ppls jobs to "step back".. Its fine out of respect, but if ur friend isnt trying to end the relationship am I supposed to just disappear? NOPE. He's one of my best friends..and its going to remain that way. Sucks for her right? lol

 

Okay when I first read this thread I was on your side because I understand how frustrating it is when male friends date crazy girlfriends. But now I see that you don't have any respect for your friend's relationship.

[ShyOne82]

Umm you admitted it yourself that you think he tells you too much information. Now you're trying to argue that it's okay for him to tell you if he and his girlfriend use condoms? That should stay strictly between himself and his gf. He is being a bad boyfriend to her just for telling you that. Did you follow my suggestion of telling him to stop telling you so much? Do you even want him to stop telling you all these things?

 

 

 

Okay when I first read this thread I was on your side because I understand how frustrating it is when male friends date crazy girlfriends. But now I see that you don't have any respect for your friend's relationship.

 

She doesnt respect him or herself. How do I not respect their relationship?! Like I said.. if she continues to disrespect me for no apparent reason I cannot help her! That doesnt mean I dont respect their relationship. It means I will not tolerate her behavior towards me especially if I did nothing wrong! Get it? Damn. There is soooo much to this story that I will not disclose becz its personal. He needs me and my support..I will be there for him. I dont care who agrees or disagrees with me anymore. I was frustrated at the time as it was happening. Everything is okay now. I know who I am and I am a great friend to ALL of my friends because I would want to be treated the same way and not be ditched in time of need. Being respectful to someone's relationship doesnt mean you stop talking to them. You know the saying "There is a time and a place for everything?" Well, that is what I go by.. I dont eat breath and **** my friends. Maybe everyone got that impression. We all have our own lives and our own relationships. Its been well over a week and this situation has already been resolved and I still have my best friend. Will no longer post here.