Guys who want to rush things

[unforgiven13]

I feel like I'm dealing with one crazy person here. I had sex with this guy a year ago, we were friends but he wanted more, I thought I liked him, but I was still in love with my ex so I wasn't sure about anything. I feel like I peer pressured myself into having sex with him. I know that sounds strange, but I just mean I've never slept with anyone I wasn't in a serious committed relationship with so I told myself to just go for it and not be so uptight. It was pretty much a mistake I guess.

 

We start talking again recently and wanted to be friends again. We missed eachother. I was pretty fresh out of a relationship and totally uninterested in anything more than friends and I thought he was on the same page. First night we hang out, he kisses me out of nowhere. We had both been drinking and I thought were just having fun, I liked it, but it didn't mean I'm suddenly in love with the guy. The next day he's freaking out about it cause he wants more and he doesn't want to be "toyed with" and I tell him I'm def not playin with him, I just want to be friends, let's not go any further. I think he's on the same page, but next time we hang out he is REALLY persuading me to have sex and he's saying it's okay let's just do it. Again it turns into a problem, we go over this a few times.

 

I've told him many times we should stop acting close or being intimate if he can't handle it because he knows where I'm at and I'm not budging. I care for him, I even like him and I'm attracted to him, we have fun together, but none of that means I'm ready as a person to be in a relationship again. He doesn't seem to get that and he keeps putting me down, saying what I want is childish I just want to "have fun" and I'm messing with his head. I don't feel like I'm messing with his head because I am being so clear with him. I'm not ready, I'm busy with school , I want to get over my past relationship, I may even want counseling because it was pretty messed up and I want to feel like a strong, independent person before I commit to anyone. Then again, I love being with him and I'm attracted to him so naturally we flirt and are very close.

 

It's been an emotional roller coaster. He judges me all the time and puts me down, tries to tell me everything is my fault and I'm a child and I need to move forward with him because he wants to be more than what we are now. I tell him he can do whatever he wants, pursue other girls, date other people, we can stop having sex (we have already stopped and I really don't want to anymore, I felt like I rushed into that way too quickly) and we can just be friends. I'm very close with my friends and I love the people I consider to be friends and I think he takes some of my feelings the wrong way, but anyways this is all moving way too quickly and I'm sick of thinking everything is kool , to him being pissed at me cause I wont be with him. Is there any hope for us to just be friends? Or even just get him to SLOW down and maybe when I'm ready we could pursue something? It's just NEVER going to happen if he keeps pushing like this. One of my ex boyfriends did the exact same thing to me and I ended up rushing into a relationship with him and he ended up being abusive so the way this kid is acting raises some red flags for me. I don't want to judge him and compare him to my ex, but it worries me if a guy cannot wait and gets too pushy. How should I handle this? I don't want to lose him as a friend.

[MCMLXXXIX]

Casual sex is not childish. If your guy really doesn't want casual sex and you really don't want a relationship with him then he should be man enough to leave you alone. Sticking around is immature of him. Having him stick around because you "love being with him" however is immature of you.

 

In my opinion, the fact that you wouldn't mind if he slept with other girls shows that you don't actually care for him very deeply. Also, forget friendship. This guys clearly wants you. It's going to have to be a clear yes or no from your part.

[unforgiven13]

Thanks for responding. I don't think casual sex is immature either if both people are just willing adults. I've never actually had casual sex with anyone else, but him and I still don't frown upon it. People can do whatever they want, but this guy is really judgmental so he says rude things.

 

I never kept him around like..as if I was messing with his head. He has known every step of the way how I feel. He continued talking to me and sleeping with me because he assumed I would magically fall for him and be ready for a relationship. Though what he would tell me was that he just enjoys being with me and he's okay with it. He would go back and forth with that like every other day. One day he's trying to force me into a relationship, the next day he's apologizing and saying "no no I'm kool with things being like this, I dont wanna push you away." It's been crazy. I think we're on the same page then BAM he's scolding me and saying just the craziest ****.

 

Last night was by far the worst. Last week I went to a concert with him because he said he really wanted to go and he would buy my ticket. I was just planning on doing schoolwork and had work the next morning but he persuaded me and offered to pay so I thought it'd be fun. A couple days later he asks me if he can borrow some money because he was short for the week so I said sure hun no prob. I let him borrow the money and he said I swear, I promise I'll pay you back friday. WELL...apparently that was his way of getting me to pay him back for the show and he got EXTREMELY mean..,I mean so disrespectful and rude and said basically I was crazy, I said to him wow..that is just low and he says "dont try to make me look like the bad guy, you're the low one." The next morning he txts me saying I could have gotten my money but I blew him off...ARE YOU CRAZY?? I asked him a million times if we were hanging out and he would give me weird answers and be an ******* about it then admitted he was NOT going to pay me back and in fact, I owe him!

 

The thing is, I DO care about him. I dont mind if he dates other people because we are NOT together and I dont want to be, Im completely not ready for a relationship so why on earth would i care if he met someone? I want him to be happy. If he never pushed me and got ridiculously cruel, I would have ended up with him and fallen for him, I know it. But he had to get crazy. It's sad because I dont want to lose my friend, but now Im not so sure he's that great of a friend anyways to treat me like this.

[sweetheart5381]

Thanks for responding. I don't think casual sex is immature either if both people are just willing adults. I've never actually had casual sex with anyone else, but him and I still don't frown upon it. People can do whatever they want, but this guy is really judgmental so he says rude things.

 

I never kept him around like..as if I was messing with his head. He has known every step of the way how I feel. He continued talking to me and sleeping with me because he assumed I would magically fall for him and be ready for a relationship. Though what he would tell me was that he just enjoys being with me and he's okay with it. He would go back and forth with that like every other day. One day he's trying to force me into a relationship, the next day he's apologizing and saying "no no I'm kool with things being like this, I dont wanna push you away." It's been crazy. I think we're on the same page then BAM he's scolding me and saying just the craziest ****.

 

Last night was by far the worst. Last week I went to a concert with him because he said he really wanted to go and he would buy my ticket. I was just planning on doing schoolwork and had work the next morning but he persuaded me and offered to pay so I thought it'd be fun. A couple days later he asks me if he can borrow some money because he was short for the week so I said sure hun no prob. I let him borrow the money and he said I swear, I promise I'll pay you back friday. WELL...apparently that was his way of getting me to pay him back for the show and he got EXTREMELY mean..,I mean so disrespectful and rude and said basically I was crazy, I said to him wow..that is just low and he says "dont try to make me look like the bad guy, you're the low one." The next morning he txts me saying I could have gotten my money but I blew him off...ARE YOU CRAZY?? I asked him a million times if we were hanging out and he would give me weird answers and be an ******* about it then admitted he was NOT going to pay me back and in fact, I owe him!

 

The thing is, I DO care about him. I dont mind if he dates other people because we are NOT together and I dont want to be, Im completely not ready for a relationship so why on earth would i care if he met someone? I want him to be happy. If he never pushed me and got ridiculously cruel, I would have ended up with him and fallen for him, I know it. But he had to get crazy. It's sad because I dont want to lose my friend, but now Im not so sure he's that great of a friend anyways to treat me like this.

 

A mature, caring person would never rush another into a relationship, especially knowing that you aren't ready and have voiced your thoughts and feelings. He has selfish motives.

 

My abusive ex did the same, pushed and pushed... I gave in. Terrible move.

 

If he is pushing, then he really isn't a friend. A true friend would understand and offer you patience and time.

 

If your "to be" isn't a real, true friend first who cares for your absolute well-being then they are just a "dick" or "vagina" in the end. Those are a dime a dozen. Easy to toss.

[Teal]

I'm going to put this as simply as I can:

 

He's not on the same page as you.

[MCMLXXXIX]

The issue is not about being on the same page anymore. Lots of people go through that. The money issue has just raised a gigantic red flag. Get rid of him.

[unforgiven13]

Thanks everyone for responding. I'm sure you're all right. I haven't spoken with him since yesterday morning when I just said "I don't want the money, take care." Just because I knew he was trying to start arguing with me again and I'd rather cut my losses now. It still hurts though. He thought I was messing with his head, he thought he loved me and I didn't care at all, so I guess he felt he should "hurt me back." I thought we had something real, atleast as good friends. We got along so well when he wasn't pushing me. We made plans to go to another show this week and we were going to do some farming and stuff together for school. I was seeing him in my future, guess it wasn't good enough. So now I lost all that. I considered him to be a very good friend who I felt so comfortable with. The kind of connection we had was rare. I miss him, but I think I'm just missing who I thought he was.

[unforgiven13]

My friend recently contacted me crying and apologizing, saying he was totally wrong and doesn't want to lose me. I told him I was still upset and what he did was not right and if that's how he handles himself then I want nothing to do with him. He said please understand I made a mistake please forgive me. I just talked to him briefly over a couple of days and I told him I only want to be friends and treated with respect so if he can't do that then we shouldn't be friends. He ended up insinuating that I don't respect him. He ended up agreeing to everything I was asking for but then said he wanted me to respect him also and admit that I lead him on. Is it leading someone on if you say "I don't want to date, I don't want a relationship, I'm not ready for that." Any and every time it's brought up? I understand we were intimate and flirty, but a relationship is a totally different thing to me and I wouldn't even go out to dinner with this kid because he called it a date and I didn't want him to start getting the wrong idea and tell me I lead him on, but it happened anyways! Please...does it sound like I lead him on? or should I just tell him I lead him on to save the friendship and make peace? I feel like if anyone lead someone on, he did every time he told me he was totally fine with our friendship the way it was and he would wait for me. I do want someone elses perspective though because he is completely sure I lead him on. To me, leading someone on is when you tell them you like them and you want a relationship, but you actually have no intentions to be with them and you just use them and string them along. Maybe he has a different meaning for being lead on, but I think he is just trying to put the responsibility for his own actions and feelings onto me.

[MCMLXXXIX]

This looks like a pattern. At first he is friends with you and you two have sex (which is never good for a friendship), then he gets emotionally involved and thinks about commitment, then you criticize him for that. Now he tries to convince you to be in a relationship with him. You don't want that. However he still wants to have sex with you anyhow, so he will agree to whatever crappy agreement you suggest him. Then the cycle continues. You two have sex and he is still emotionally attached. There are two ways to break the cycle. Either you consider having him as a boyfriend (if he is honest about being sorry) or you detach yourself from him.

[unforgiven13]

I've never criticized him for wanting a relationship. I would just get upset when he would try to force one on me and put all the blame on me. I also never suggested we have sex or anything like that, he's the one who came onto me every single time. When I would try to say no, he would convince me he was totally cool with it. I didn't realize I'm the only adult in the situation and I have to stop him or something. The only agreement I've suggested is to just be friends without having sex or anything, just get to know each other again and enjoy each other. HE suggested the sex part. Now somehow I'm to blame in his mind. Guess I'll just lose him if he can't get over the fact that I just want to be friends.

[soccerrprp]

Let him go. He isn't respecting your space, needs...

[MCMLXXXIX]

What I'm trying to say is: he does not want to be your friend. He wants to be your boy-friend. He says he can be a friend and thinks he can be satisfied with only sex, but he wants more than friendship OR sex. Please stop trying to be friends with him.

[It's Just Me]

And I fail to understand why you want to be friends with someone who verbally abuses you. That's not what friends do. He's a bully.

 

I'd hate to see what this guy does when he's in an actual relationship.

[Almond_Joy]

You can find other people that will care about you and whose company you enjoy that will not try to make you feel like a horrible manipulative person because they're not getting their way.

 

I can't imagine anyone who treats me like this being that important or great.

 

It seems like previous miscommunication (as he claims there was) is irrelevant at this point. You've stated where you stand clearly here, and I'm assuming you stated it just as clearly to him.

 

I also agree with another poster that there's no in-between for this fellow: you're either going to be with him in a relationship or you two go your separate ways. He obviously cannot handle being your friend when he wants something more.

[pteromom]

I guess he felt he should "hurt me back."

 

I see SO many red flags for this guy in your posts. He's angry, pushy, verbally abusive, disrespectful, blaming, argumentative, and overly emotional.

 

I think you need to walk away from him altogether.

 

The kind of connection we had was rare. I miss him, but I think I'm just missing who I thought he was.

 

I think you are missing the happy part of him. But the fact is this other Mr. Hyde side is part of him too. I was just responding to someone else in another post about how there are people who have high-highs and low-lows, and this guy seems to be one of these people.

 

He's never going to be happy just being friends, and this argument won't ever end. Move on.

[sweetheart5381]

I see SO many red flags for this guy in your posts. He's angry, pushy, verbally abusive, disrespectful, blaming, argumentative, and overly emotional.

 

I think you need to walk away from him altogether.

 

The kind of connection we had was rare. I miss him, but I think I'm just missing who I thought he was.

 

I think you are missing the happy part of him. But the fact is this other Mr. Hyde side is part of him too. I was just responding to someone else in another post about how there are people who have high-highs and low-lows, and this guy seems to be one of these people.

 

He's never going to be happy just being friends, and this argument won't ever end. Move on.

 

I agree.

 

Don't ever feel bad for making your position known and sticking to your guns. It's your life, and your happiness you need to be responsible for, not their's. If someone tries to guilt you into something by getting angry and abusive in a way to make you feel bad, they are not worth your time. This is the beginning of an abusive relationship and trust me it gets worse, much, much worse.

 

Walk away from this loser. There are far better fish in the pond.