Problems with SIL

[jade4071]

I recently found out my SIL (husband's older sister) and her husband separated. I don't really know all the details but it sounds like her husband's probably cheating on her and they also have huge financial problems (foreclosure, car repos, etc) which caused them both to work two jobs each, no time spent together, etc. They've been married about 25 years, now living separately.

 

Anyhow, back in 2005/2006 my DH and me were having significant marriage problems and we separated for 4-5 months, I moved 300 miles away from where we had been living at the time. We eventually went to counseling and were able to work things out; we've been married about 20 years. During the time we were having problems his family blamed it all on me, took DH's side, etc. I do know blood's thicker than water and while I wasn't surprised, it did hurt. My MIL called me on Xmas day under the auspices of chatting, which I really didn't believe but I "bit" and listened to her. Once I defended myself (she started accusing me of things about 5 minutes into the conversation) she got very nasty with me and I'll never forget her telling me, "I know there's two sides to every story but the only one I care about is my son's." It sickens me that I remember her being nasty to me like it was only yesterday. My SIL also wasn't nice to me during this time, telling me things that were not helpful and blaming me entirely for what looked like the demise of my marriage.

 

At any rate, time moved on and I've severely limited any time spent around my in-laws. I'm pleasant when I see them but don't get involved and do not visit very often. Now the SIL is having problems and I'm expected to be sympathetic and run up to her new place to provide a shoulder for her to cry on. DH says I'm in the wrong and it's my problem for being resentful, I need to get over it and "do what anyone else would."

 

I can't stomach the idea....am I being petty?

[Radu]

Blood is thicker than water.

 

You are not blood when you needed help after 15-20yrs spent together.

You are not blood now either, it's not your problem.

 

Have you told your husband what your MIL told you ?

 

----

 

Another alternative is to provide help, but distanced help.

Emotionless help.

So you get affected by it less than doing your bed in the morning.

[whichwayisup]

Does your husband know how horribly his mother has treated you? And his sister? If not, or if he has forgotten, maybe refresh his memory.

 

I don't think you should 'comfort' his sister. She isn't fond of you, and you know this, so if you try to befriend her, she's going to question your motives.

 

She has other family for support, let alone friends. But, what you can do is make a meal a few times a week and drop it off at her house. Let her know you're sorry to hear the news of her split up and tell her IF she needs anything to let you know. Be the bigger person here.

 

Now, with that said, your husband MUST talk to his mom and sis, and whomever else is picking on you still. He has to stand up to them and tell them to back off and give you a chance. That it wasn't all your fault, he was to blame too. If he can't or won't do this, then he's an idiot!

[january2011]

How does your husband know that your support is even welcome given how his family treated you?

 

And it's not your problem, at the bare minimum, it's his. Otherwise, it's both your problems. You are either a team or not. Telling you to, "get over it," is unhelpful and dismissive. It suggests that when push comes to shove, your marriage is probably not as strong as it should be.

 

Having said that, if your SIL calls (of her own accord) in tears, it would probably be a very hard person who turns her away - sometimes people make snap judgements and best guesses about what they think they will do (your SIL's comments about your marriage) but when they are placed in a similar situation, they don't necessarily follow their own advice.

 

You could compromise and say that you do not want to interfere with her marriage and therefore you will not reach out first. However, if she calls you and asks you to listen, you won't turn her away. But all you'll do is listen, which is what "anyone else would do." Tell him that that is your final decision and it's not open to discussion. And that you won't be bullied into doing more for someone who has shown you very little goodwill in the past.

[jade4071]

Blood is thicker than water.

 

You are not blood when you needed help after 15-20yrs spent together.

You are not blood now either, it's not your problem.

 

Have you told your husband what your MIL told you ?

 

----

 

Another alternative is to provide help, but distanced help.

Emotionless help.

So you get affected by it less than doing your bed in the morning.

 

Yes, he's well aware of what she said to me. His rationale is that my family treated him essentially the same way. Also that my father never made an effort with him......my father's now dead, just 10 months ago, and there's nothing I can do about that. My dad rarely went out of his way for anyone, just the way he was. DH always had a problem with my dad, always. There's always been tension as it relates to his family and mine but we've all too often made the mistake of letting it get between us.

 

I can try to be supportive from a distance as it pertains to my SIL but there's not much else I think I can do. I wish I was one to let things go easier but I'm not sure what I would even start with to be more like that. I don't want to be a shrew yet I don't want to be a doormat either. Frustrating.

[jade4071]

Does your husband know how horribly his mother has treated you? And his sister? If not, or if he has forgotten, maybe refresh his memory.

 

I don't think you should 'comfort' his sister. She isn't fond of you, and you know this, so if you try to befriend her, she's going to question your motives.

 

She has other family for support, let alone friends. But, what you can do is make a meal a few times a week and drop it off at her house. Let her know you're sorry to hear the news of her split up and tell her IF she needs anything to let you know. Be the bigger person here.

 

Now, with that said, your husband MUST talk to his mom and sis, and whomever else is picking on you still. He has to stand up to them and tell them to back off and give you a chance. That it wasn't all your fault, he was to blame too. If he can't or won't do this, then he's an idiot!

 

DH says it's all water under the bridge and I need to let it go. None of them really instigate anything or pick on me, per se, anymore. Of course, I pretty much avoid them like the plague so there isn't much opportunity. They live about 30 minutes north of us and I maybe see them about once every 1.5 years. DH goes up there on a regular basis and I believe resents me for not going more often.

 

Their family is like that, pick the rug up and sweep everything under it, pretend as though nothing's wrong. Even when it meant they were just talking trash about one another 10 minutes beforehand. My family was a lot more outwardly aggressive than that and I'm not used to being fakey and I don't like it.

 

It's frustrating and I wish I didn't feel resentful at all. I wish I just didn't care but all those nasty things they once said to me hurt, as much as I hate to admit it.

[jade4071]

How does your husband know that your support is even welcome given how his family treated you?

 

And it's not your problem, at the bare minimum, it's his. Otherwise, it's both your problems. You are either a team or not. Telling you to, "get over it," is unhelpful and dismissive. It suggests that when push comes to shove, your marriage is probably not as strong as it should be.

 

Having said that, if your SIL calls (of her own accord) in tears, it would probably be a very hard person who turns her away - sometimes people make snap judgements and best guesses about what they think they will do (your SIL's comments about your marriage) but when they are placed in a similar situation, they don't necessarily follow their own advice.

 

You could compromise and say that you do not want to interfere with her marriage and therefore you will not reach out first. However, if she calls you and asks you to listen, you won't turn her away. But all you'll do is listen, which is what "anyone else would do." Tell him that that is your final decision and it's not open to discussion. And that you won't be bullied into doing more for someone who has shown you very little goodwill in the past.

 

I do worry about our marriage not being as strong as it should be, especially lately. We've had a lot of other things, stressors, going on and things have been wearing thin. We've been arguing a lot more in the last month or so.

 

Last year our middle kid dropped out of college with fully funded scholarships to join the military. Totally out of the blue. Our oldest is moving a few states away next week. My dad died very unexpectedly about 10 months ago and I've been grieving and having problems with my extended family on my dad's side. DH has been hospitalized three times this year and I've pretty much been sick with one ailment or another since my dad died. My FIL and my grandfather (dad's dad) have also been very ill and both hospitalized. My youngest kid is a senior in HS this year and resents everything, mostly all the family stuff that's taken place. Recently I took two weeks off work and was just as exhausted at the end as I was at the beginning.

 

It's not been the best year and at times I thought I was doing ok but I feel overwhelmed. I hate to sound like a b*tch but helping my SIL with her problems are the least of my worries with everything else going on. I really do still resent her but I own it.....not trying to hide from it. I think she has enough people to get through this, even without her brother. I would never say he couldn't be there for her but expecting me to do anything about it is asking too much.

 

I often wish I could go back to about 1.5 years ago and start over. Additionally, even after 20 years of marriage I still feel as "relationship dumb" as I was as a teenager. I sometimes think about walking away from all this.....the family issues are too much and I'm too tired to deal with it. I feel like I've turned into an old fishwife with nothing good to say. If I lived alone I wouldn't have to deal with in-laws but I don't really want to give up, not most the time.

[jade4071]

Another thing is, before the events of the last year I used to deal with the antics of my in-laws in a much more reasonable manner and barely even thought about it. With everything else going on I haven't felt nearly as strong. I want to get back to that but I'm at a loss as to how. I feel increasingly angry at my DH on a regular basis and I know some of it isn't deserved. He's very angry with me right now and I'm upset with all else we're dealing with he even brought his sister up and tried to place expectations on me.

 

There's just this huge gaping hole in my life where my dad used to be and I don't deal with it perfectly. I've not lost a parent before and this has hit me hard. My DH seems to think I'm taking it out on him and using my dad's death to not deal with anything else. I have dealt with everything else but he doesn't acknowledge it whatsoever. I went from having a dad to one day he has a heart attack and is placed on life support after ending up brain dead. I signed to remove him from life support less than 24 hours after finding out he was in the hospital. While it was the right thing to do it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. His family (parents/four siblings) have not been there for me or even for each other. Kind of a mess. I took 4 days off work at the time and just kept going on auto pilot. I've had more than one person tell me I should be "over it" by now. My DH hasn't said as much but insinuates I need to get on with it. My best friend of 30 years isn't speaking to me......h*ll, I sound like a bad country song but I'm truly trying to cope and handle everything. Having my in-laws shoved down my throat feels like an insult and I, as whiny as it sounds, feel like a failure. I used to handle things much differently and all of this just feels defeating.

 

Sorry for rambling, I really don't have anyone to talk to anymore. I'd go to IC but it won't make me stop missing my dad, I don't see the point.

[Radu]

A big part of me wants to say that your husband is an *******. A REALLY BIG part of me.

 

But what i think it's happening here is that you two come from 2 different systems of dealing with problems.

His system is of anger and then forgetting it [you said it yourself].

Your system is to let the thoughts in your head stay there.

 

I noticed how you mentioned that ever since your dad died you have been sick constantly with one thing or another.

Do you think that is just a coincidence ?

[jade4071]

A big part of me wants to say that your husband is an *******. A REALLY BIG part of me.

 

But what i think it's happening here is that you two come from 2 different systems of dealing with problems.

His system is of anger and then forgetting it [you said it yourself].

Your system is to let the thoughts in your head stay there.

 

I noticed how you mentioned that ever since your dad died you have been sick constantly with one thing or another.

Do you think that is just a coincidence ?

 

He can be an a**hole but so can I.

 

My dad dying.....it was a pretty big hit and I know it's impacted my immune system and overall health. So no coincidence. I just keep trying to get through it is all.

[NoMagicBullet]

I like this idea:

 

You could compromise and say that you do not want to interfere with her marriage and therefore you will not reach out first. However, if she calls you and asks you to listen, you won't turn her away. But all you'll do is listen, which is what "anyone else would do."

 

Especially since you already have so much you are already dealing with. If your husband argues with the fact that you have to look out for him and your kids first before any other relatives, then I seriously question his priorities. Even if you were on good terms with your husband's family, it would be too much to expect you to reach out to your SIL after losing your dad and everything else you've been dealing with.

 

I assume your husband has not lost a parent or even anyone close to him yet? It's pretty insensitive of him to expect you to just "get over it already". And I think it's also extremely insensitive of him to expect you to cater to his family's needs and wants when they have not been supportive of you at all during this difficult time in your life.

 

If you can go to IC, I recommend it -- because you'll have someone to talk to about the loss of your dad, but also to talk about these family difficulties and the lack of support you are facing from your husband and his relatives. You won't stop missing your dad, but you'll be able to talk about it with someone who is there to support you and offer recommndations on what will help you cope how to deal with the in-laws at this point.

[RiverRunning]

Limited contact is definitely the way to go here, OP. First, wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about your dad's passing and how ruthless your in-laws have been throughout the years.

 

No, you are under no obligation to run to your sister-in-law's beck-and-boohoo. His family has a history of not reaching out to you when you're hurting, so why would you bother returning the favor? They offer you nothing to replenish your soul, yet will drain you dry if you offer support for their troubles. It's a losing situation for you.

 

I would be livid if my mom ever called my fiancee in the wake of any kind of rift in our marriage to start picking at him. Frankly, whatever happens in our marriage is none of her business. She can be a shoulder to cry on, but to do anything more - to try and intervene in any way - is completely out of bounds.

 

The fact that your husband doesn't seem to grasp this and doesn't seem to have done anything to close that chapter, other than to tell you to move on, is troubling. It's even more troubling how callous the general attitude seems to be towards your dad's death. You may or may not be suffering from complicated grief - but the solution is never just some version of, "Move on already."

 

Your dad died suddenly. And you had to be the one to make the call and take him off of life support. Even knowing that was the right thing, that's a lot of gravity for one person to undertake. OP, I do believe what you're feeling is normal. It's frightening that you're not getting support and back-up for that.

 

But I'm with many of the others: start writing out boundaries and what you hope your husband will do. And tell him this. Don't compromise, don't negotiate. Do what you must to keep yourself well.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

**** him and her. You are not family enough to be supported when you need it, so screw SIL.