YellowBrickRoad Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 I was involved with an MM for over 5 years but ended things at the end of last year and haven't had any contact since. Recently, his wife passed away (who was very close to many of my own friends). They expect me to be involved in the memorial service but I'm not sure if that is appropriate. Do I go and pretend like I don't feel like I'm being disrespectful or do I find a way to back out? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 DO NOT go. It would be so disrespectful to his wife, her family and if they have any children..Your gut, your heart and your head knows it's wrong for you to go. Tell them you've got the stomach flu and can't make it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 I take it the mutual friends don't know that you had an affair with him? Also, he may not want you there. Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 No, don't go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author YellowBrickRoad Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 You're right, I shouldn't. And yes, everything in me is screaming NO! When I think about it, I did nothing but do wrong by this woman for YEARS. And I am sick about it. This event brought me and the MM back in contact, although brief (I still care for him a lot!) but I really don't ever want to fall back into what we were, no matter how much I miss him. I have to be their for my friends through their grief as they turn to me for comfort, but I also need to be extremely careful with my heart. He hasn't invited me, I just know about the service through everyone else (which I'm not sure if he is aware I know). He obviously doesn't want me there and I believe it is best that I respect that. I just worry about raising suspicions among my friends at my no show. I suppose that is the price to pay... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 You shouldn't go. Not at all. If you can, be out of town that weekend. You owe no one an explanation. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 You're right, I shouldn't. And yes, everything in me is screaming NO! When I think about it, I did nothing but do wrong by this woman for YEARS. And I am sick about it. This event brought me and the MM back in contact, although brief (I still care for him a lot!) but I really don't ever want to fall back into what we were, no matter how much I miss him. I have to be their for my friends through their grief as they turn to me for comfort, but I also need to be extremely careful with my heart. He hasn't invited me, I just know about the service through everyone else (which I'm not sure if he is aware I know). He obviously doesn't want me there and I believe it is best that I respect that. I just worry about raising suspicions among my friends at my no show. I suppose that is the price to pay... Start coughing and put on some pale makeup ASAP, by the day of the funeral your friends will understand you've got a bad cold and cannot attend. Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 You're right, I shouldn't. And yes, everything in me is screaming NO! When I think about it, I did nothing but do wrong by this woman for YEARS. And I am sick about it. This event brought me and the MM back in contact, although brief (I still care for him a lot!) but I really don't ever want to fall back into what we were, no matter how much I miss him. I have to be their for my friends through their grief as they turn to me for comfort, but I also need to be extremely careful with my heart. He hasn't invited me, I just know about the service through everyone else (which I'm not sure if he is aware I know). He obviously doesn't want me there and I believe it is best that I respect that. I just worry about raising suspicions among my friends at my no show. I suppose that is the price to pay... Were you friends with the woman? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 You're right, I shouldn't. And yes, everything in me is screaming NO! When I think about it, I did nothing but do wrong by this woman for YEARS. And I am sick about it. This event brought me and the MM back in contact, although brief (I still care for him a lot!) but I really don't ever want to fall back into what we were, no matter how much I miss him. I have to be their for my friends through their grief as they turn to me for comfort, but I also need to be extremely careful with my heart. He hasn't invited me, I just know about the service through everyone else (which I'm not sure if he is aware I know). He obviously doesn't want me there and I believe it is best that I respect that. I just worry about raising suspicions among my friends at my no show. I suppose that is the price to pay... You get the '24 hours throw ups'. If you say cold or flu, you'll have to drag that out a lot longer and also 'sound sick'. With an upset stomach, you just have to keep to yourself for a day or so. Your friends will understand that. And yes, it is the price to you pay. I don't mean that meanly or to make you feel worse, I'm just glad that you're aware of it. Your guilt right now is a good thing..It will keep you away from exMM and not try to console him or try to get back together with him, as well as show up at the funeral. For all you know IF you did go, he could freak out at you, throw you out, which of course, the mutual friends will find out what happened between you and him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author YellowBrickRoad Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 I was around her when we were at gatherings and we were always very nice to each each other, but I know she was suspect of me from the beginning. So looking back, I think we were both just trying to save face. Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 I was around her when we were at gatherings and we were always very nice to each each other, but I know she was suspect of me from the beginning. So looking back, I think we were both just trying to save face. Continue to do that. One thing you don't want is going and then later one of your friends finding out the truth. Play sick like the rest are saying to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author YellowBrickRoad Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 You get the '24 hours throw ups'. If you say cold or flu, you'll have to drag that out a lot longer and also 'sound sick'. With an upset stomach, you just have to keep to yourself for a day or so. Your friends will understand that. And yes, it is the price to you pay. I don't mean that meanly or to make you feel worse, I'm just glad that you're aware of it. Your guilt right now is a good thing..It will keep you away from exMM and not try to console him or try to get back together with him, as well as show up at the funeral. For all you know IF you did go, he could freak out at you, throw you out, which of course, the mutual friends will find out what happened between you and him. See, I know he would not freak out or throw me out. I went with one of my friends to visit him at the house a few days after her death and I was scared **** less because I thought he would freak. But he was actually happy (or seemed to be...could have been general shock). I have only emailed him once since then just to let him know I hope he is doing well. And he's not the freak out type. We have way to many connections in common to risk that publicly. But honestly, it's too weird for me to have not seen or spoken to this man for 8 months and then all of the sudden be almost pushed back into it because of a situation I should have nothing to do with. If anything, part of me is happy I ended things when I did. I have hope that maybe that meant, with me out the picture, that he focused on his family for the last few months they had together. And it allowed me to understand how to live without him. Of course I want to comfort him, but I know I run the risk of trying to get back together when emotions become involved again. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Of course I want to comfort him, but I know I run the risk of trying to get back together when emotions become involved again. All the more reason to stay away from him. And I mean, don't email him and ask him how he is, or try to help in any way whatsoever. He's going to be vunerable and because of circumstances and your past with him, you're the last person who should help him through this tough time. I mean that respectfully, even though it may not read like it. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Oh, you'll get so sick so suddenly...I do think some family commitment getting you out of town would be a more sophisticated way to go. Your choice, but your intuition on this one is correct. Don't go. Link to post Share on other sites
Capris Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Okay you guys might yell at me a bit, but here it goes.. It might be a chance to ask for forgiveness from her. How much more disrespectful is it then the actual affair? Anyways, just another point of view.I understand the rest of you, just something to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Was it he that invited you to his house a few days after his wife's death? If he did, maybe he was seeking comfort from a friend. If you just tagged along with some mutual friends....that's circling road kill. Link to post Share on other sites
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