I don't get it Tony

[Somewhat Healed]

Do you remember my first post named "Over-sentitive girlfriend" ? I asked you a question but I think you didn't see it (sorry for responding so late I was very busy) so I put it here :

 

Oh, yeah you're right, I got a great lady! I love her so much... But there is something that I don't understand in your philosophy Tony, I just don't get it could you please light me ?

 

I noticed that she is the female equivalent of that famous "Nice Guy" thing. I know what it is because I was one the them. (I still consider myself nice but i'm no longuer a lovesick puppy). I do agree at 110% with you when you say to the guys here to be a man and to stop being so predicable and dependant. In a relationship girls need to be challenged a little bit and I think it's perfectly okay.

 

If i'm a man don't I need to be challenged too ? I know that if I don't organize something for our 6 months of frequentation she won't do anything. I know that if I don't find where to hang on, we'll stay in the bedroom for the day. I'm against male domination and I'm being tired of being a dictator in the relationship. Beside that our relationship is perfect, I just want her to be a little more active, like if she could be able to choose what street we take when we walk together...

 

I think Deejette put her finger right on it :

 

"She wants you to make the decisions and she will go along with them. But then she is not happy and cries, leaving you to be a mind-reader in order to find out what is bothering her."

 

What do you think ???

[Tony T]

QUESTION # 1: "But there is something that I don't understand in your philosophy Tony, I just don't get it could you please light me ?"

 

I can try. But, also know this is NOT my philosophy, it is only my take on reality. Everybody has their own perception of reality. But I will say I don't drink or take drugs and I am pretty open minded.

 

QUESTION # 2: "If i'm a man don't I need to be challenged too ?"

 

You have to answer that one for yourself, it is really directed to you. However, I think that many men are very excited about women who are challenges or who seem unattainable. Most men go through life passing up hundreds of ladies who would have loved them more than anything in the world because they seemed way too easy. But I guess that's part of biology. The mating selection process is complex and composed of many elements, including physical attractiveness, chemistry, personal history, psychological state, and timing (all of those both both attractor and attractee) as well as many other components. Generally, when the body clock says it's time to reproduce, all other bets are off and the person's goal then becomes to find someone who is available for that purpose.

 

But if a woman gives a man a hard time, a challenge, and a run for his money, that behavior can many times manifest other required components that may have not been there to start with.

 

YOU WRITE FOR MY COMMENT: "I know that if I don't organize something for our 6 months of frequentation she won't do anything. I know that if I don't find where to hang on, we'll stay in the bedroom for the day. I'm against male domination and I'm being tired of being a dictator in the relationship. Beside that our relationship is perfect, I just want her to be a little more active, like if she could be able to choose what street we take when we walk together..."

 

I don't see how you being a dictator makes your relationship perfect but, oh well. You just didn't make yourself too clear here.

 

This behavior is irrelevant to the nice guy syndrome in some ways. This is a behavior issue that you have to resolve with this lady to the satisfaction of both of you. If your relationship is perfect in other ways, as you say, perhaps you can find some excellent compromise here.

 

You have to understand that there are some women who look to a man for certain things, for planning, to take charge in certain areas. Talk this over with her. Or just plain stop taking the ball...and put her in charge of this part of the relationship. Give her the responsiblity and see what she does. If she does nothing, respond with nothing. Force her hand. See if this prompts her to action.

 

But, yes, men need challenge just as much as women as I have stated so many times. But I think women are intuitively far better than men at guiding relationships and know just what direction to take them. They are usually far better at getting the guy they want and are usually in the driver's seat. They know instinctively and intuitively exactly how they must behave and what they must do...to get their man...or to get a guy off their butts. That's why a man should pay attention to a woman closely. You will know exactly what her desires are if you pay attention.

 

For the bigger part, I think the challenge and mystery must come in much heavier doses during the initial part of the relationship, including the meeting stage and getting to know each other stage. When love is declared, I think by its very nature, there has to be more intimacy, more openness, etc. At that point, the challenge ceases to be the important issue it was early on and the conduct of the relationship should be based on mutual admiration and respect.

 

The problem is that so few people have a good model of what a healthy relationship is all about so they duplicate others they see, or the relationship their parents had.

 

Don't interpret my position here, AND IT IS NOT MY PHILOSOPHY (only my interpretation of reality), as an endorsement of human nature or this type of behavior. In my version of an ideal world, everyone could be nice, kind, considerate, thoughtful, return all calls, reply to all mail, be totally responsible and dependable, etc.

 

But the world is what it is, not what I want it to be.

 

I hope you get your problem worked out with your lady.

[Deejette]

This girl must be very pretty, and is relying on her looks to replace having a personality and being a defined person with beliefs and opinions of her own. I know beautiful girls who have never had to cultivate themselves as interesting people with their own ideas, because all they have to do is walk into a room and the men are crawling all over them. Being sweet, pretty, and willing to sleep with guys is enough.

 

The guys project all kinds of fabulous qualities onto these blank screens and create an illusion of love. It is sexuality, dependency, fear of aloneness, that propels these relationships. It is not about two complete humans enriching each others lives and exploring all the possibilities together.

QUESTION # 1: "But there is something that I don't understand in your philosophy Tony, I just don't get it could you please light me ?" I can try. But, also know this is NOT my philosophy, it is only my take on reality. Everybody has their own perception of reality. But I will say I don't drink or take drugs and I am pretty open minded. QUESTION # 2: "If i'm a man don't I need to be challenged too ?" You have to answer that one for yourself, it is really directed to you. However, I think that many men are very excited about women who are challenges or who seem unattainable. Most men go through life passing up hundreds of ladies who would have loved them more than anything in the world because they seemed way too easy. But I guess that's part of biology. The mating selection process is complex and composed of many elements, including physical attractiveness, chemistry, personal history, psychological state, and timing (all of those both both attractor and attractee) as well as many other components. Generally, when the body clock says it's time to reproduce, all other bets are off and the person's goal then becomes to find someone who is available for that purpose. But if a woman gives a man a hard time, a challenge, and a run for his money, that behavior can many times manifest other required components that may have not been there to start with. YOU WRITE FOR MY COMMENT: "I know that if I don't organize something for our 6 months of frequentation she won't do anything. I know that if I don't find where to hang on, we'll stay in the bedroom for the day. I'm against male domination and I'm being tired of being a dictator in the relationship. Beside that our relationship is perfect, I just want her to be a little more active, like if she could be able to choose what street we take when we walk together..." I don't see how you being a dictator makes your relationship perfect but, oh well. You just didn't make yourself too clear here. This behavior is irrelevant to the nice guy syndrome in some ways. This is a behavior issue that you have to resolve with this lady to the satisfaction of both of you. If your relationship is perfect in other ways, as you say, perhaps you can find some excellent compromise here. You have to understand that there are some women who look to a man for certain things, for planning, to take charge in certain areas. Talk this over with her. Or just plain stop taking the ball...and put her in charge of this part of the relationship. Give her the responsiblity and see what she does. If she does nothing, respond with nothing. Force her hand. See if this prompts her to action. But, yes, men need challenge just as much as women as I have stated so many times. But I think women are intuitively far better than men at guiding relationships and know just what direction to take them. They are usually far better at getting the guy they want and are usually in the driver's seat. They know instinctively and intuitively exactly how they must behave and what they must do...to get their man...or to get a guy off their butts. That's why a man should pay attention to a woman closely. You will know exactly what her desires are if you pay attention. For the bigger part, I think the challenge and mystery must come in much heavier doses during the initial part of the relationship, including the meeting stage and getting to know each other stage. When love is declared, I think by its very nature, there has to be more intimacy, more openness, etc. At that point, the challenge ceases to be the important issue it was early on and the conduct of the relationship should be based on mutual admiration and respect. The problem is that so few people have a good model of what a healthy relationship is all about so they duplicate others they see, or the relationship their parents had. Don't interpret my position here, AND IT IS NOT MY PHILOSOPHY (only my interpretation of reality), as an endorsement of human nature or this type of behavior. In my version of an ideal world, everyone could be nice, kind, considerate, thoughtful, return all calls, reply to all mail, be totally responsible and dependable, etc. But the world is what it is, not what I want it to be. I hope you get your problem worked out with your lady.

[Crystal]

ya know i could be your girlfriend! it is so wierd cause she sounds exactly like i use to be. there is hope for her, if after 40 some years i found hope, but not until i met this wonderful guy i am with now.

 

i am also very sensitive and he wanted me to choose things to do and i always said and i stress ALWAYS! what ever you want to do, and i meant it with all my heart. never realzing the strain it was putting on him, i thought he did not mind at all cause he never acted like he did, until.

 

until one day he was in a bad mood and asked what i wanted to do and i said the usual, whatever you want to do honey. well he blew up at me and said, "i'm so tired of always making the decisions here, why don't you participate in this relationship too?"

 

being so sensitive, i hid my tears but then go angry with him for not having said something sooner. so i thought about this for a long time, like weeks and it finally came to me that i let him decide everything cause i did not trust my own decisions.

 

i was sure that whatever i came up with, he would not like or would think lame, or would not want to do it, or make fun of me. guess what? ! he did! talk about rejection! so i told him what he was doing and he admitted it and apologized.

 

since then i have been reading so much on self-esteem and trusting and believing in myself and making decisions on a daily basis. maybe something so simple as just agreeing with him in a different way so it doesn't look like i'm so compliant.

 

maybe your g'f suffers also from self-esteem problems, in that case i can't help you, especially if she is so sensitive, so i hope that this helped some. good luck, don't give up tho.

QUESTION # 1: "But there is something that I don't understand in your philosophy Tony, I just don't get it could you please light me ?" I can try. But, also know this is NOT my philosophy, it is only my take on reality. Everybody has their own perception of reality. But I will say I don't drink or take drugs and I am pretty open minded. QUESTION # 2: "If i'm a man don't I need to be challenged too ?" You have to answer that one for yourself, it is really directed to you. However, I think that many men are very excited about women who are challenges or who seem unattainable. Most men go through life passing up hundreds of ladies who would have loved them more than anything in the world because they seemed way too easy. But I guess that's part of biology. The mating selection process is complex and composed of many elements, including physical attractiveness, chemistry, personal history, psychological state, and timing (all of those both both attractor and attractee) as well as many other components. Generally, when the body clock says it's time to reproduce, all other bets are off and the person's goal then becomes to find someone who is available for that purpose. But if a woman gives a man a hard time, a challenge, and a run for his money, that behavior can many times manifest other required components that may have not been there to start with. YOU WRITE FOR MY COMMENT: "I know that if I don't organize something for our 6 months of frequentation she won't do anything. I know that if I don't find where to hang on, we'll stay in the bedroom for the day. I'm against male domination and I'm being tired of being a dictator in the relationship. Beside that our relationship is perfect, I just want her to be a little more active, like if she could be able to choose what street we take when we walk together..." I don't see how you being a dictator makes your relationship perfect but, oh well. You just didn't make yourself too clear here. This behavior is irrelevant to the nice guy syndrome in some ways. This is a behavior issue that you have to resolve with this lady to the satisfaction of both of you. If your relationship is perfect in other ways, as you say, perhaps you can find some excellent compromise here. You have to understand that there are some women who look to a man for certain things, for planning, to take charge in certain areas. Talk this over with her. Or just plain stop taking the ball...and put her in charge of this part of the relationship. Give her the responsiblity and see what she does. If she does nothing, respond with nothing. Force her hand. See if this prompts her to action. But, yes, men need challenge just as much as women as I have stated so many times. But I think women are intuitively far better than men at guiding relationships and know just what direction to take them. They are usually far better at getting the guy they want and are usually in the driver's seat. They know instinctively and intuitively exactly how they must behave and what they must do...to get their man...or to get a guy off their butts. That's why a man should pay attention to a woman closely. You will know exactly what her desires are if you pay attention. For the bigger part, I think the challenge and mystery must come in much heavier doses during the initial part of the relationship, including the meeting stage and getting to know each other stage. When love is declared, I think by its very nature, there has to be more intimacy, more openness, etc. At that point, the challenge ceases to be the important issue it was early on and the conduct of the relationship should be based on mutual admiration and respect. The problem is that so few people have a good model of what a healthy relationship is all about so they duplicate others they see, or the relationship their parents had. Don't interpret my position here, AND IT IS NOT MY PHILOSOPHY (only my interpretation of reality), as an endorsement of human nature or this type of behavior. In my version of an ideal world, everyone could be nice, kind, considerate, thoughtful, return all calls, reply to all mail, be totally responsible and dependable, etc. But the world is what it is, not what I want it to be. I hope you get your problem worked out with your lady.

[Tony T]

Thank you for this post. It really made me think. It is so nice to hear from someone who was actually in a situation like this.

 

I'm sure your case isn't exactly like all similar situations, but it does show that there's a lot more to human behavior than we can see on the surface and it's wrong to make snap judgements sometimes.

[N]

dddffsgs Do you remember my first post named "Over-sentitive

girlfriend" ? I asked you a question but I think you didn't see it (sorry for responding so late I was very busy) so I put it here : Oh, yeah you're right, I got a great lady! I love her so much... But there is something that I don't understand in your philosophy Tony, I just don't get it could you please light me ?

 

I noticed that she is the female equivalent of that famous "Nice Guy" thing. I know what it is because I was one the them. (I still consider myself nice but i'm no longuer a lovesick puppy). I do agree at 110% with you when you say to the guys here to be a man and to stop being so predicable and dependant. In a relationship girls need to be challenged a little bit and I think it's perfectly okay. If i'm a man don't I need to be challenged too ? I know that if I don't organize something for our 6 months of frequentation she won't do anything. I know that if I don't find where to hang on, we'll stay in the bedroom for the day. I'm against male domination and I'm being tired of being a dictator in the relationship. Beside that our relationship is perfect, I just want her to be a little more active, like if she could be able to choose what street we take when we walk together... I think Deejette put her finger right on it : "She wants you to make the decisions and she will go along with them. But then she is not happy and cries, leaving you to be a mind-reader in order to find out what is bothering her."

 

What do you think ???