I wonder how MM feel and think when the affair end

[rhw]

...or are too scared of the unknown to make changes

 

my MM. RIGHT THERE. lol.

[eleanorrigby]

I wonder how MMs feel and think when the affair end? Will they finally realize the marriage has been broken before the affair and the affair helped them to escape from the reality? Will they eventually leave the marriage when they realize this?

 

I can't read his mind, but I've known him more then half my life so I can at least give my best guess.

After D-Day he waffled back and forth, lady or the tiger, for a while and then decided on sticking with the marriage. After that the kiddy rollercoaster our marriage had been on turned into Colossus and we were up and down for years.

 

During the down times, I imagine he wondered if he had missed his chance to parachute out of our marriage into the arms of the greatest woman in the world. During the good times, I could tell he was happy that we toughed it out and glad he had dodged a bullet and not left to be with her. Those up and down times for a few years after d-day were a doozy. They are much, much, milder now.

 

If things had not gotten better with us, I assume he or I would have finally given up and gotten a divorce.

 

Luckily things got better, and will get even better soon when the kids move out! WoOt!

[MourningLosses]

That's a comfortable attitude isn't it? Rather smug too.

 

I agree LFH but it's an interesting question- one only answered by actual MM with the benefit of anonymity and how many of those are here?

 

It raises the question between wives and the other woman- who really knows him? The real man? I say I know the real man and she has just had him filling a role for 15 years. She says we were only involved for a year so she knows him better. Who is right? Is there a way to know? Are they 2 sides of the same man and both right?

 

What he wrote to me is that he hates me and himself and had no fond memories. It wasn't special. He feels sick at the though of it and wants nothing to do with me.

 

But we talked about it during our relationship, how even if we couldn't be together we would always care about each other.

 

So was he lying to me then or is he lying now when he says he hates me?

[MourningLosses]

Eleanorrigby how do you feel though knowing that occasionally he thinks he might have been better off with her? I couldn't bear that. I told him ages ago that of he ever thought he would wonder if she was better for him then I didn't want to be in it. I wanted him all in. I assume she wants the same. Of course he would have had fond memories of the early part of their marriage but if he wasn't 100% certain he was better with me then It wouldn't work. That's part of why I told him to get marriage counseling. That and the fact I thought she would see how broken their marriage was and let him go peacefully without all the arguing she went on with.

[eleanorrigby]

Eleanorrigby how do you feel though knowing that occasionally he thinks he might have been better off with her? I couldn't bear that. I told him ages ago that of he ever thought he would wonder if she was better for him then I didn't want to be in it. I wanted him all in. I assume she wants the same. Of course he would have had fond memories of the early part of their marriage but if he wasn't 100% certain he was better with me then It wouldn't work. That's part of why I told him to get marriage counseling. That and the fact I thought she would see how broken their marriage was and let him go peacefully without all the arguing she went on with.

 

It still hurts occasionally.

 

And even if he thinks now and then that he would have been better with her, I know that he wouldn't! This is no BW BS. Those two would have had the same amount of problems if not more then we did. Actually it would have been considerably more problems because they would have had to deal with an angry BW and upset kids.

Edited August 25, 2012 by eleanorrigby

[Furious]

I cannot speak on behalf of my husband, I can only say when I discovered his affair I handed him his suitcase and wished him well.

 

He chose to plead for a second chance and immediately ended the affair.

 

I assume he has memories and since I'm not a mind reader I assume he will at times remember her. I don't waste my time worrying about it.

 

It's not as if my husband or I did not have a few, or more than a few relationships, before we even ever met. I sometimes think of past boyfriends, as I'm sure my husband thinks of past girlfriends, it's history.

 

I wonder why it's so important for some OW/OM to cling to the thought that they were the most important person to their ex-affair partner. Actions speak louder than words, if they were that important and the love if their life then

they would have ended up together, if not then, it is what it is.

Edited August 25, 2012 by Furious

[seren]

As has been pointed out, no one, not BS, OW/OM can speak for how the MM feels after an A ends. I, as a BS can say how H behaved, what he said and continues to say, but that's about it. I can only judge, based upon what I see and what he tells me. Similarly, unless an OW/OM has been there and seen the WS after the affair ends, then they can only surmise too.

 

Isn't what their decision after the A ends an indicator of how they feel? or how the relationship with whomever they are with an indicator of that too? I am sure some think of the AP or BS with affection and some with, phew escaped a bullet there, or even guilt or disgust. It depends and no one can say for sure whether they miss the one left, or not.

[Silly_Girl]

When my ex-MM decided he couldn't leave his wife and cut all contact, she asked him in those weeks whether he missed me and wished he had left when he had the chance. Obviously, OBVIOUSLY he said no, he didn't feel that way.

 

Some weeks later he moved out permanently because he had been miserable, empty, distraught, broke down to family members and could no longer deny that he wanted to be with me, but also that his marriage was not a real marriage.

 

So I think it's very possible the BS is hearing a version that may or may not be true. Likewise the OW. I can say with some confidence what my exMM reacted like the 2 times we split and he 'chose to stay', but that doesn't mean they all do/don't react that way.

[MourningLosses]

I didn't read here that anyone thought that way, that they were clinging to being the most important person. I'm sure some do think that way, I haven't met any, but those that do probably feel that way for the same reason it's so important for some BS to believe that he/she never thinks of them at all, or if so, that they do so only with contempt.

 

I think that either thinking is fairly ridiculous. I think you put it well when you mentioned the other relationships previous in life... that's exactly the point I was making earlier.

 

 

Well I think it's very important for your life partner to be the most important relationship - obviously! If it isn't you should divorce and be with the more important person. Which obviously I think I was. We shared so much. We had so much in common. All they had was years of misery and kids together.

 

Obviously I'd be ok with him remembering her as a "past relationship" fondly ad long as it was the long ago times he remembered. Not her currently.

 

Equally obviously no wife would feel the same about the other woman - because we aren't a "past" we are a "same time as" relationship. That's why I have trouble understanding why wives stay, or that's a large part of it.

 

LFH who wouldn't want to be the most important? It's human nature. I don't want to be someone's bit of fluff on the side or despised for loving- I want to be the one he loves most who displaces any other adult romantic relationship.

[j'adore]

There have been FOM on here and I have read their stories about getting over their OW and working on the marriage. But we are talking long term affairs here. Some are pretty distraught at having NC. Some are able to compartmentalise and realise that putting on that record or doing anything that reminds them is a no no. Men are able to do that more than women I reckon. But not forever.

 

Since DDay two weeks ago, (I behaved in a way that would have ended it for good). I have seen MM and he is flipping and flopping like some nut.

 

He has gone from almost aggressive to romantic and loving to uncaring and cold several times and contradictions agogo

 

I know that the uncaring and aggressive stance is when he has his family around him and he feels guilt. But I realise today that in our love I have made him think and feel like he never has in his life and he now wants to go back to how he was, He almost hates me sometimes for making him see what he could be, but he won't be able to now. Oh yes he can have his marriage but he will not be the same person ever. He is still living a lie, only this time he is lying to hmself.

[beenburned]

jadore,

 

Wasn't your MM a serial cheater?

 

If so, he has been living a lie all along because he wants to remain married and cheat.

[j'adore]

jadore,

 

Wasn't your MM a serial cheater?

 

If so, he has been living a lie all along because he wants to remain married and cheat.

 

No he is not a serial cheater, this is his first affair and last and i know that as he has a medical problem.

Edited August 25, 2012 by j'adore

[losingmyground]

That's a comfortable attitude isn't it? Rather smug too.

 

I would definitly say I do not have a comfortable attitude. I had a lot of digging to do about myself and our marriage. In the end, I realized that I had let myself go (working way to much). As for smug, maybe, but to clarify there were no ILYs or lets leave it all behind to be together. But to be honest, I was more devistated than I ever thought I would be. It also made me realize that I love him more than anything in the world and hated that I had even put him in a position to have to make that kind of choice.

 

I often wonder if the BS's that post about how their husband or wife FEELS on this board, effectively speaking FOR them, would think if the actual husband or wife posted what they really think and feel without a chaperone or spokesperson.

 

I only posted was he has told me. The bags under his eyes, the tears and the pain in his body language back up his statements. I really wish he would post. I am one of those people that will read even if it hurts me.

 

The ones that felt that they were left are the ones that are usually angry and don't look back. The ones that just couldn't make it work regret it. The ones that got caught, either regret it or are too scared of the unknown to make changes or are still doing it, only they're more careful not to get caught again now.

 

He was not caught until the affair was over (6 months). But the stuff he found out about her, is kinda gross. His words.

[frozensprouts]

when it comes right down to it, the only one who will ever really know how they feel is the married person themselves, and even they may be conflicted.

 

But if I am to surmise a general opinion of how a married person may feel about their ex other man/woman, I compare it to any relationship that has ended for myself...there were some that were bad relationships and ended badly that I regret ever being involved in the first place, and I have no fond memories of those. The ones that were good I do have some fond memories of...mind you, this does not mean that I have any desire to start them up again, nor does it mean I have some secret longing for that person. It just means that the experince is a part of me, for better or worse, and has shaped who I am today. Best way to explain it would be the memories I have of my first 'puppy love' boyfriend...I think of my crush on him with some fond memories , and I learned form that experience, but I would never, ever want that time in my life back again.

[Ladydrib]

That's a comfortable attitude isn't it? Rather smug too.

 

I only posted was he has told me. The bags under his eyes, the tears and the pain in his body language back up his statements. I really wish he would post. I am one of those people that will read even if it hurts me.

 

They cry for thier affair partners too. There is not one answer for people like this. It's all conditional and depends on the moment. You take it as is or leave it.

[losingmyground]

They cry for thier affair partners too. There is not one answer for people like this. It's all conditional and depends on the moment. You take it as is or leave it.

I am sure that in alot of EAs/PAs they do cry for the AP. In our case, not so much. We both spoke with the OW husband. FWH was one of three men she was grooming. She has also cheated for 6 of the 12 yrs they have been married. She really was a replacement for the times I was working. Not to say that their talking did not mean something, but again there were no ILYs, just casual sex talk.

 

All though, from all I have read we both can expect to go through many emotions for a few years. Anger, hurt, and peace. I sure that he has his ups and downs too.

[Furious]

They cry for thier affair partners too. There is not one answer for people like this. It's all conditional and depends on the moment. You take it as is or leave it.

 

Sometimes they cry because there's no more cake.

[losingmyground]

Thank you Hockeyfan for defending me. You are right, I was not trying to be smug. Just putting out there what he has stated and shown.

 

I know many OW believe THEY know the real guy - cause he took a few minutes to send a text or send a email or stopped by for a quick visit

 

So true, my FWH and I have been married for almost 14 yrs. For the OW to claim she knows him better makes me laugh. Kinda like dating....you only get to she the best foot forward. Of course, it strikes me as funny that OW/OM find lying and cheating a respectable quality in anyone.

[MourningLosses]

I don't find cheating a good quality at all but we had no choice other than to never see each other again, because I was his student we just couldn't be together for years and as we were both married with children and I was financially dependent on my husband it made sense to stay married. His wife was pregnant and then they had a newborn. He said he wouldn't leave until the baby was 2 which makes sense to me.

 

I feel I knew him best because the stuff he confided in me was his deepest thoughts and dreams, things she never cared about. She couldn't talk to him about or understand his research. We were intellectual partners. They were parenting partners. I think his work was at his core.

 

I don't doubt she knows what he's like when he's sick and she knows how he handles a dinner party but I've seen him through grief and anger and most importantly love.

[losingmyground]

I don't find cheating a good quality at all but we had no choice other than to never see each other again, because I was his student we just couldn't be together for years and as we were both married with children and I was financially dependent on my husband it made sense to stay married. His wife was pregnant and then they had a newborn. He said he wouldn't leave until the baby was 2 which makes sense to me.

 

None of these reasons sound like great qualities. You both are using people. You do know that with kids you can qualify for finicial aid if you are not married. Why would age 2 make sense? I could see 13 or maybe 18, but 2.

 

I feel I knew him best because the stuff he confided in me was his deepest thoughts and dreams, things she never cared about.

 

Or do you mean he told you things to make you fall for him? Who says she didn't care. Maybe she is a realist, kids and bills take precidence over thoughts and dreams.

 

She couldn't talk to him about or understand his research. We were intellectual partners. They were parenting partners. I think his work was at his core.

 

Fair enough.

 

I don't doubt she knows what he's like when he's sick and she knows how he handles a dinner party but I've seen him through grief and anger and most importantly love.

 

And I am sure she was oblivious to his grief and anger and love. I am sure she was just as aware as you were. The only difference is she shared in the grief, were as you got to sit back and just be a witness that could comfort him.

[mercy]

Why would age 2 make sense? I could see 13 or maybe 18, but 2.

 

 

Well, because by two that baby should be up taking care of itself. I know that's what my baby girl genius was doing.

 

To know what the MM is thinking or feeling after dd - pay close attention to his actions.

[MourningLosses]

 

None of these reasons sound like great qualities. You both are using people. You do know that with kids you can qualify for finicial aid if you are not married. Why would age 2 make sense? I could see 13 or maybe 18, but 2.

 

I meant it made sense he wouldn't leave weeks before the birth or before se was working again and not breast feeding. He later talked of leaving when the baby was 6 months because she went back to work but then a few weeks after that time he went silent on me.

[woinlove]

I meant it made sense he wouldn't leave weeks before the birth or before se was working again and not breast feeding. He later talked of leaving when the baby was 6 months because she went back to work but then a few weeks after that time he went silent on me.

 

ML, people's feelings and perspective can change a lot after the A, which is the topic of this thread. I know mine did. During the A I talked a lot of words of love, we talked about a future, but after the A, I didn't feel any love, it dissipated like infatuation does, and I definitely did not want a future with him. I came to have very negative feelings about him because he didn't respect my wish for NC.

 

Unless you are with the person after the end of the A, it is difficult to know how their perspective might have changed. Often, all one can do is speculate. However, in your case there has been some contact which has indicated that MM's perspective has changed a lot and has negative feelings now. I can understand how that happens, having been through a similar transition myself. Sometimes when the A is over you are really glad it is over and don't want anything to do with the AP or A again. For me that changed perspective was the enduring one and the A was an aberration. I think some MM can feel similarly. Particularly, ones who want to reconcile with their wife.

[rhw]

i would love to know what my MM is thinking/feeling especially since i don't fully believe we've officially ended (just, as i've said, that i'm reaching my breaking point where i love him and miss him but am sick and ****ing tired of how i've been feeling the past several months with him going ghost on me).

 

i know it's being debated as to who can really say they know the MM better. in my case, i can definitely say i did. for those who saw the timeline of our entire A, then you know this is true. for those who didn't. 11 years and we were close friends months before he and W ever met. we got closer after and fell for each other. anyway, i know how he behaves in stressful situations (turns into a freakin' ostrich with his head in the sand). i know his negative traits, all of them. i know his innermost dreams, aspirations (and the fact that he's so flippin' apprehensive about change that he probably will never pursue the things he once considered pursuing when he was in my company on a regular basis). and of course, of COURSE i know that he is more attracted to me than to his own W (body language. he doesn't tell me what he thinks i want to hear. the words, "you're beautiful" have never come out of his mouth to me, nor has he ever said anything other than, "Wow" once. but his body language says it all. the way he looks me up and down slooooowly, the way he steps into my personal space, subtle things his body tells me before the obvious tent in his pants). and of COURSE, i know what he looks like when i'm bringing him to ... you know! LOL because i've done it many times. wall-floor-shower-floor-bed on one such occasion.

 

does *she* know him better than that? i don't think so. i've seen them together at different events and he *never* looks at her the way he looks at me. she knows who i am and she's seen him react to my presence and gets really angry because my MM just can't be subtle about it.

 

hmmm, the more i think about it, as much as i hate what he did--the ghost act (which i assure you will receive the Riot Act when he comes around again), i'm almost positive that he went ghost because he didn't want to send that transparency letter, didn't know how to say goodbye to me and knows just how tempted he really was several months ago. i was tempted too. but i definitely don't think it was because he hates me now or his feelings changed or that he doesn't give a damn.

 

at this point though, i'm just trying to find a way to not give a damn myself. cuz no matter how many times he stares at me with that longing, no matter how vividly the image of us tangled up naked together burns in his mind or mine, no matter how easily i can make him laugh and smile (as evidenced by how easily we fell back into place seeing each other again and how very familiar it was for us both)... he is still with HER. it's the ostrich behavior. can't handle what he's feeling so he sticks his head in the sand. and i'm still left here alone, shattered and trying to rebuild my own life.

[MourningLosses]

Rhw so why does he stay with her? Kids? Money? What does he feel for her? My MM felt pity for her I know that. He knew leaving her would destroy her completely. He thought it might actually kill her literally.