I wonder how MM feel and think when the affair end

[anne1707]

Rhw so why does he stay with her? Kids? Money? What does he feel for her? My MM felt pity for her I know that. He knew leaving her would destroy her completely. He thought it might actually kill her literally.

 

So he thought she would drop dead on the spot if he were to leave? Wow he must be a god or something. Either that or it was just a line he fed you so that you did not expect him to leave his wife (whom he wanted to and still wants to stay married to).

 

ML - you need to stop idealising/idolising the MM.

[woinlove]

Rhw so why does he stay with her? Kids? Money? What does he feel for her? My MM felt pity for her I know that. He knew leaving her would destroy her completely. He thought it might actually kill her literally.

 

This likely has also changed since the A ended, along with his change in feelings and perspective about the A and you. He may have returned to the state you described at the beginning of the A where he adored and loved his W. The change in feelings from before to during to after the A can be quite dramatic. That was my experience where the A was a bit like an altered reality, but it didn't last.

[MourningLosses]

This likely has also changed since the A ended, along with his change in feelings and perspective about the A and you. He may have returned to the state you described at the beginning of the A where he adored and loved his W. The change in feelings from before to during to after the A can be quite dramatic. That was my experience where the A was a bit like an altered reality, but it didn't last.

 

I am glad you wrote this woinlive but I don't understand it immediately. I feel I was lied to. He even now says that telling me his family wanted him to be with me was a lie. He tells me it was a lie he wasn't sleeping with his wife and a lie he was actively organizing to leave. I didn't tell lies. I meant it. So I feel he owes me an apology and that my feelings were genuine. Were his really not? They seemed so genuine. I don't believe he really strung me along or that he loved me and suddenly doesnt, I think he can't bear loving me and not having me so he's trying to make himself hate me. Nothin else seems to make any sense.

 

How can you really love someone and then just throw them under a bus?

[woinlove]

I am glad you wrote this woinlive but I don't understand it immediately. I feel I was lied to. He even now says that telling me his family wanted him to be with me was a lie. He tells me it was a lie he wasn't sleeping with his wife and a lie he was actively organizing to leave. I didn't tell lies. I meant it. So I feel he owes me an apology and that my feelings were genuine. Were his really not? They seemed so genuine. I don't believe he really strung me along or that he loved me and suddenly doesnt, I think he can't bear loving me and not having me so he's trying to make himself hate me. Nothin else seems to make any sense.

 

How can you really love someone and then just throw them under a bus?

 

Love comes in many forms and people can confuse feeling excited and infatuated with love. Some MM lie to get what they want, so that is one possibility. Another possibility, is he was caught up with infatuation and excitement and temporarily living in an altered reality state during the A. That is how I would describe myself in the A where I came to really dislike xMM.

 

When the emotions and words are all over the map, from love to hate, I would put more emphasis on what he said before the A and after the A, because affairs can be a heady mix of chemicals and fantasy and addiction, which can leave the person thinking WTF when the dust settles and they are back to their real life. It is more likely they are thinking clearly before and after the A.

 

xMM may think I lied to him when I said I loved him, as later I said I wanted him to get lost and never contact me again and I didn't even like him. Was it a lie? Well, in hindsight, I can see I never felt love for him ever. But, at the time it kind of felt of being in love, in that he was in my thoughts and fantasies and I was a bit obsessed, and we were great at reinforcing each other's fantasies. It seemed like the kind of in love feelings that might one day lead to real love and at the time I didn't see that it didn't have a hope in hell of turning into anything approaching real love. We were simply using each other and didn't really care about each other except to keep each other in a state which brought more feel-good times.

 

Typically a MM throws an OW under the bus because his highest priority is saving his M. Some really want both, and so will come looking for the OW even after throwing her under the bus. Others decide they really want to be with their W and may see the A as something they regret, them at one of their least admirable times. I suspect the MM in your case falls into this latter category from what you have written. From what he has said to you, I don't think it is possible that he loves you. I suspect, like me, he has realized that he never loved you. The end of an A can really bring clarity. That is how it was for me.

 

If you were able to look at this more clearly, and put more weight on his words and actions now, I think it would help you move on. I think you are clinging to an illusion, which is not a good place to spend one's life.

Edited August 27, 2012 by woinlove

[alexandria35]

I am glad you wrote this woinlive but I don't understand it immediately. I feel I was lied to. He even now says that telling me his family wanted him to be with me was a lie. He tells me it was a lie he wasn't sleeping with his wife and a lie he was actively organizing to leave. I didn't tell lies. I meant it. So I feel he owes me an apology and that my feelings were genuine. Were his really not? They seemed so genuine. I don't believe he really strung me along or that he loved me and suddenly doesnt, I think he can't bear loving me and not having me so he's trying to make himself hate me. Nothin else seems to make any sense.

 

How can you really love someone and then just throw them under a bus?

 

Yes..HOW can you REALLY love someone and then just throw them under a bus?

 

There is no one who can really say what was going on with the MM during the affair, but my logical rational mind tells me that it's unlikely he he told his family about you and they immediately thought it was a good idea for him to abandon his wife and newborn and go be with his affair partner. He loved his wife before he met you so I suspect his family probably accepted her and may have even loved her too. They didn't suddenly turn on her overnight because their son/brother/relative had some sort of leave of his senses and temporarily thought he should abandon his marriage. If he had told them that they probably would have advised him to seek counselling and make sure he was doing the right thing. Also we already know he lied to you about not sleeping with his wife. She had a baby and a miscarriage during his affair with you, which is just another reason his family would be appalled at his announcement that he actually wanted to be with you.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting but for those of us on the outside looking in it's pretty crystal clear that this guy was lying to you during the affair.

[losingmyground]

Well, because by two that baby should be up taking care of itself. I know that's what my baby girl genius was doing.

 

To know what the MM is thinking or feeling after dd - pay close attention to his actions.

I am so hoping that was sarcasim...because I was LMAO.

[losingmyground]

I meant it made sense he wouldn't leave weeks before the birth or before se was working again and not breast feeding. He later talked of leaving when the baby was 6 months because she went back to work but then a few weeks after that time he went silent on me.

Would it not have been better if he left before the baby was even born? I know that my 1 1/2 yr old is attached to daddy already. And just so you know I did not need my husband in order to breastfeed the baby.

[rhw]

Rhw so why does he stay with her? Kids? Money?

 

no, not kids. they don't have any kids together. he always wanted kids . . . with me. (a fact i find very interesting). money? they're both independently well-off that if one split, the other would still be fine though there is a house at stake.

 

my best guess as to why - and really this is all moot. i just want to be done (but my soul won't let me)- is that he's a freakin' coward. she is very much in his infrastructure. his family adores her. her family adores him. they're all one big happy extended family. he pisses himself when confronted and i'm guessing that he's going to have a lot of explaining to do. sure, his W knows about me and knows that he can't seem to shake his feelings about me. and if she tells them, well sure, he'll look bad and i'll look even worse. (this is part of why i have stepped back, NC at all so that in the event that she does blab something in anger, i will hopefully be far removed from that yucky situation such that i can legitimately say, "i have not talked to him in x number of months/years") but then she wouldn't be completely honest since she presently loves someone else (which his family does not know about). it'd be one thing if the feelings had faded a bit or when seeing me again, he would've said, this can't go on. i have a W whom i love." but seeing me again brought it all back for him too and i guess he realized those feelings never went away. and his response to anything that brings him confusion is to stick his head in the sand.

 

ugh, why do i love this man? because w/ him it really was love. it wasn't infatuation, etc. we were each other's biggest supporter in everything. he was all about the actions so i knew it was love. because in his presence, i felt safer than i ever had and still feel safe. because our almost polar opposite personalities balance us out. because while we were together, we pushed each other to be better versions of ourselves while accepting the negative traits. he's never lied to me. like i said before, he's never broken plans w/ me, ever, so i had absolutely no reason to believe he would do what he ultimately did (disappear w/o a word). i haven't heard the last from him. he doesn't hate me. he hasn't stopped loving me. half the time i want him, the other half i really just want to extract myself from this situation and forget.

 

i can't though. neither can he, which brings us right back to square one: me hurting, him at home with HER going through the motions of his comfortable life but sticking his head in the sand.

Edited August 27, 2012 by rhw

[William]

As the thread starter, a new member with one posting, has not returned to the thread, I'm going to close it to comments unless/until they return. If so, alert on this post and request re-opening. Thanks for your participation.