my family's skeletons in our closet...

[ihateslowjams]

Just to warn you, my head isn't in the right setting and my mind is completely boggled. I have so many damn thoughts going through my head right now and my words might not make sense, so please bear with me.

 

 

I just learned some news that has changed my view of my parents... Currently, their relationship with one another are not on good terms and they're not even talking to one another, let alone sleeping in the same room. This occurred after my father was considered to have cheated on my mom about 2 years ago. My siblings and I are against my dad, but we didn't have the full information...

 

The news I just learned about explained a situation that happened MANY MANY years ago... When my parents were still young, they were bf/gf. During this time, my dad was those player/alpha type of guys and cheated on my mom. My mom, being heartbroken, decided to go eye for eye and slept with someone else, but was impregnated. She was going crazy because it went much further than she imagined. With only her impulsive thinking due to her emotions running high, she confessed to my dad that she was raped...

 

My dad comforted her and encouraged her that everything will be ok and he will take in the child as his own. They married one another and my older brother was born.

 

Fast forward a little bit to when my older brother was 17, my mom confessed to my dad. Mind you, NONE of us knew about the truth at the time. My dad found a reason to practically unleash his anger on my brother and physically abused him, which influenced all of his children (4 of us total) to see him as a horrible dad.

 

Now lets fast forward to the present. During one of my parent's arguments recently, my father expressed how his life was taken away from him due to my mother's lie and confession. For years he believed my mother was raped and came to terms with that, but it was a lie. He hates how my mom brought an illegitimate child to his family and he believed something else. He hates how the kids only know that he cheated on my mom and views her as a saint, while he's viewed as the devil. Now my dad doesn't know what to think about his life and feels entitled to "cheat" on my mom.

 

My dad has been threatening my mom about a divorce, but she doesn't want to have one because she doesn't want to pay him alimony(?) since it will just go to my dad's mistress.

 

Now I don't know what I'm supposed to think... this is horrible. I just realized my older brother is not my full brother. I know its not going to change anything, but seriously this is such a head changer. Plus, I was dead set on viewing my dad as a bad father/husband, but now I see I shouldn't. I understand how my dad's life just got taken from him and his actions is because he's going crazy... He feels like his life was a lie.

 

What am I supposed to feel? supposed to think? wtf is going on...?!?!?!?

 

I have no one to talk to right now... I don't have many friends anymore since I've lost them during my last relationship AND i don't have my exgf to talk to anymore... I was never close to my family ever, so I can't talk to any of them because it feel unordinary and awkward. Im not young anymore (27 years old) and I can't just make new friends on the drop of a whim. It sucks being alone...

[MuscleCarFan]

I honestly can't blame your dad for being upset since he got married based on a lie.

[ihateslowjams]

I honestly can't blame your dad for being upset since he got married based on a lie.

 

I agree. I don't know what to do or think or feel in my situation...

[Balzac]

I'm unclear if you live alone but in close proximity to your family home?

[ihateslowjams]

I'm unclear if you live alone but in close proximity to your family home?

 

I still live with them, but Im planning on moving out 1 year from now...

[Radu]

I can't blaim his blowup either, or his actions considering this new information.

 

What i can blame though is the fact that he abused your older brother when he was 17, he took it out on the one person who was completely innocent in all of this.

 

Your dad has a blame for directing his anger to his kids, which were innocent in the scheme of things.

Your mom has a great deal of blame for :

- manipulating your dad into marriage

- letting it all out while you are still growing and bringing drama into the house.

If you lied about something like this, at least keep it hidden untill the kids are out of the house.

- allowing for you kids to see their father in a bad light, when she could have done something about it [did she do something about it or was she quiet ?

- i also see you are 27, and with your older brother having been 17 at the time, i'm guessing that was many many yrs ago.

Your mom shares with your father some blame in not giving you adult information, and by that i mean not finishing your growing up in adulthood by telling you that women can pull stuff like this.

I have a suspicion that you have a string of not so nice relationships behind you.

[ihateslowjams]

I can't blaim his blowup either, or his actions considering this new information.

 

What i can blame though is the fact that he abused your older brother when he was 17, he took it out on the one person who was completely innocent in all of this.

 

Your dad has a blame for directing his anger to his kids, which were innocent in the scheme of things.

Your mom has a great deal of blame for :

- manipulating your dad into marriage

- letting it all out while you are still growing and bringing drama into the house.

If you lied about something like this, at least keep it hidden untill the kids are out of the house.

- allowing for you kids to see their father in a bad light, when she could have done something about it [did she do something about it or was she quiet ?

- i also see you are 27, and with your older brother having been 17 at the time, i'm guessing that was many many yrs ago.

Your mom shares with your father some blame in not giving you adult information, and by that i mean not finishing your growing up in adulthood by telling you that women can pull stuff like this.

I have a suspicion that you have a string of not so nice relationships behind you.

 

She would help, but didn't explain the truth at all. Yes, it was at least 12 years ago and Im just finding out now because my parents are going through issues at the moment.

 

Not sure if Ive had "not so nice" relationships... but I've had one who dumped me for another guy and I'm beginning to realize that my current ex was very manipulative and condescending that broken down my sense of self and self-worth, yet I still long for her...

 

I don't know what to think about my own family anymore. I detached myself emotionally from my family when I was still a teen because Ive always thought my family was dysfunctional... and I was right. I grew up not caring or feeling for my family, but this?!?!?! its really making me go crazy. I feel that my world is crashing around me... My current BU, my quarter life crisis about how I haven't graduated yet and still live at home at age 27, noticing the scarce friendships I have where only a handful of people only talk to me by phone, and now my family problems that kept building until it exploded in everyone's face.

 

Im so lost at the moment... i need guidance and direction. Ill be seeing my therapist in 2 weeks, I don't know if I can last till then...

[Radu]

Besides raising us, our parents also provide a rolemodel, a template for what we want in both a partner and a relationship.

 

Your template has been your mother and your relationship template has been their relationship.

While she never said why he blew up, kids do pickup on the dynamic and either become attuned to that reality or reject it.

Most become attuned and seek out a similar dynamic in life, few reject it.

 

Now that you notice this dynamic and that you feel it's 'not right' you have the opportunity to create your own template for both relationships and partners.

It will take time, but first :

- do the therapy

- get a job and finnish school

- move out

- keep reading these forums and other forums on relationship to figure out what ppl see as normal in their lives

 

Then go out there and seek a relationship.

 

Look on the bright side, i had a similar moment when i was 28, so you got 1yr ahead of me.

[ihateslowjams]

Besides raising us, our parents also provide a rolemodel, a template for what we want in both a partner and a relationship.

 

Your template has been your mother and your relationship template has been their relationship.

While she never said why he blew up, kids do pickup on the dynamic and either become attuned to that reality or reject it.

Most become attuned and seek out a similar dynamic in life, few reject it.

 

Now that you notice this dynamic and that you feel it's 'not right' you have the opportunity to create your own template for both relationships and partners.

It will take time, but first :

- do the therapy

- get a job and finnish school

- move out

- keep reading these forums and other forums on relationship to figure out what ppl see as normal in their lives

 

Then go out there and seek a relationship.

 

Look on the bright side, i had a similar moment when i was 28, so you got 1yr ahead of me.

 

Wow, this is very sound advice, thanks. What you say about my template being my mother really hit a spot because I've realized how similar my actions are to my mother in regards to relationships. I want to change that about myself, but how? I understand you mention I can create my own template, but after so many years, wouldn't it be tied to my immediate responses/reflexes to any given situation(s)? What can I do to keep it a more permanent change than a temporary one?

[Radu]

Well, i can tell you what worked for me [therapy options are limited and seen as bad here].

 

For me, talking to ppl became therapy and a way to redo myself.

 

I read some books on different subjects :

- Daniel Goldman's book on Emotional and Social Intelligence [amazing book]

- Allen Pease's books on body language [his almanaque is amazing]

- Nancy Friday's books on female fantasies [her book on male fantasies is amazing as well]

- Michelle's whatever books on Women's Infidelity

- Mike Pillinski's book called Without Embarassment

- i also read some interesting blogs that were somewhat gender war neutral

- i found a site with information on how to identify body language signs for NLP [for salesmen ... it was amazing]

- i found a somewhat decent NLP course [doing it now ... and translating it into my language]

 

I joined a PUA and a lesbian womens forum but outgrew the 2nd [they are just as confused as we are on what women want ].

 

The forum that helped me the most has been this one.

After reading the Abuse section i realised where some of my anger came from, some truly smart ppl are there.

You can also learn relationship boundaries here very well.

 

----

 

I'd also like to add that you will probably discover that your parents are more or less responsible for the situation [i really have no ideea which].

You will go to anger, cast blame and all that.

In the end though, to make changes you will need to claim responsability for this mess even though others may have influenced it.

The reason is that others cannot pull you out of it, only you can.

This is why you need to claim responsability for it.

 

Don't get trapped in the pit of self-pity, or get sucked into maladaptive daydreaming [like i did].

 

I would also work on the job thing and on maybe joining a gym.

Both of these require that you keep to a schedule, so they will provide an anchor.

 

On this journey, also search on wiki what the quote about 'the map' in my signature means.

 

LE: Read this, it degenerated into very interesting stories :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/338711-my-mother-narcissistic-just-me

[ihateslowjams]

Well, i can tell you what worked for me [therapy options are limited and seen as bad here].

 

For me, talking to ppl became therapy and a way to redo myself.

 

I read some books on different subjects :

- Daniel Goldman's book on Emotional and Social Intelligence [amazing book]

- Allen Pease's books on body language [his almanaque is amazing]

- Nancy Friday's books on female fantasies [her book on male fantasies is amazing as well]

- Michelle's whatever books on Women's Infidelity

- Mike Pillinski's book called Without Embarassment

- i also read some interesting blogs that were somewhat gender war neutral

- i found a site with information on how to identify body language signs for NLP [for salesmen ... it was amazing]

- i found a somewhat decent NLP course [doing it now ... and translating it into my language]

 

I joined a PUA and a lesbian womens forum but outgrew the 2nd [they are just as confused as we are on what women want ].

 

The forum that helped me the most has been this one.

After reading the Abuse section i realised where some of my anger came from, some truly smart ppl are there.

You can also learn relationship boundaries here very well.

 

----

 

I'd also like to add that you will probably discover that your parents are more or less responsible for the situation [i really have no ideea which].

You will go to anger, cast blame and all that.

In the end though, to make changes you will need to claim responsability for this mess even though others may have influenced it.

The reason is that others cannot pull you out of it, only you can.

This is why you need to claim responsability for it.

 

Don't get trapped in the pit of self-pity, or get sucked into maladaptive daydreaming [like i did].

 

I would also work on the job thing and on maybe joining a gym.

Both of these require that you keep to a schedule, so they will provide an anchor.

 

On this journey, also search on wiki what the quote about 'the map' in my signature means.

 

LE: Read this, it degenerated into very interesting stories :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/familial/family/338711-my-mother-narcissistic-just-me

 

Thanks, Ill look into those books. I don't think accepting responsibility for their situation will help me out though. What I think will work better is keeping myself away from their mess and concentrating on my own life since I have a lot I need to put in order.

 

Some of which is the codependency trait I picked up from my mother. I bought the book, "Codependent No More" as well as a few other self help books for emotional maturity and to alleviate the nice guy syndrome. I plan to complete these books in the next 3 weeks before my Fall semester begins.

 

Im not going to look for another relationship for a while until I can get my life together... right now, its falling apart and I need to step up and handle what life has just thrown at me. I also need to become a man and move the f**k out of my parent's house, this place is a h*ll hole at the moment. I feel like I don't have a home to go to anymore...

[Radu]

I really wish you gl.

 

Also, what i meant by claiming responsability is to get ahold of the problem, to put it in your hands because you are the only one who wants to do something about it, or can do something about it.

[ihateslowjams]

I really wish you gl.

 

Also, what i meant by claiming responsability is to get ahold of the problem, to put it in your hands because you are the only one who wants to do something about it, or can do something about it.

 

Oh ic, I don't think I can put it into my hands. I don't think there is anything I can do except talk to them, but I don't think it will do anything except stir up the issue.

 

Im going to lay low on the sidelines and just observe. I have to focus on my own personal/emotional/life issues to resolve.

[NoMagicBullet]

I think what Radu is trying to convey is that whatever the impact of all this on your own life, whatever the fallout is that affects you negatively in your personal life outside of your family (problems with relationships, problems with work, whatever), take ownership of it and accept that you are the one with the power to make your own life better. I don't think Radu is advocating trying to solve the problem your parents made for themselves. Please correct me if I'm wrong, Radu.

 

Anyway, it's a given there's nothing much you can do in the current situation to help your parents, other than stay out of it, understand they have serious issues, and not take sides. I don't know what your relationships are with your siblings, but if you can connect with them at this difficult time and support each other, it might do all of you a lot of good. No matter what your parents did in the past, you are all in this boat together as the innocents in this mess.

 

Your plan to lie low, focus on your own issues, and get out of there as soon as you can is a good one. Hang in there.

[Radu]

NMB, you are spot on ... it was getting difficult expressing what i was thinking, thanks.

[threebyfate]

To summarize:

• Your father cheated on your mother while they were dating.
  
• Then your mother cheated on your father, got pregnant and lied about rape.
  
• Your father married her with this belief.
  
• Then your mother confessed that she cheated on him 17 years later.
  
• Then your father physically abused your oldest brother.
  
• Then your father cheated on your mother two years ago.
  
• Your father also currently has a mistress and wants a divorce.
  

Yes, get out of this hell hole. Both your parents are emotionally messed up and badly. While these appear to be the worst of the dysfunctional emotional abuse, wouldn't surprise me if throughout your life, there was ongoing dysfunction.

[ihateslowjams]

To summarize:

• Your father cheated on your mother while they were dating.
  
• Then your mother cheated on your father, got pregnant and lied about rape.
  
• Your father married her with this belief.
  
• Then your mother confessed that she cheated on him 17 years later.
  
• Then your father physically abused your oldest brother.
  
• Then your father cheated on your mother two years ago.
  
• Your father also currently has a mistress and wants a divorce.
  

Yes, get out of this hell hole. Both your parents are emotionally messed up and badly. While these appear to be the worst of the dysfunctional emotional abuse, wouldn't surprise me if throughout your life, there was ongoing dysfunction.

 

Yeah, I desperately want to move out, but I can't until next year since I decided to quit my job to focus primarily on college to transfer to a university next year. I don't have a home at the moment and its a horrible atmosphere here... I try to keep myself busy with reading books and homework, but in the end, it doesn't take me out of my misery.

 

I wish I can fast forward time to when I transfer to a university so I can finally move out (on campus or apartment near campus).

[ihateslowjams]

I think what Radu is trying to convey is that whatever the impact of all this on your own life, whatever the fallout is that affects you negatively in your personal life outside of your family (problems with relationships, problems with work, whatever), take ownership of it and accept that you are the one with the power to make your own life better. I don't think Radu is advocating trying to solve the problem your parents made for themselves. Please correct me if I'm wrong, Radu.

 

Anyway, it's a given there's nothing much you can do in the current situation to help your parents, other than stay out of it, understand they have serious issues, and not take sides. I don't know what your relationships are with your siblings, but if you can connect with them at this difficult time and support each other, it might do all of you a lot of good. No matter what your parents did in the past, you are all in this boat together as the innocents in this mess.

 

Your plan to lie low, focus on your own issues, and get out of there as soon as you can is a good one. Hang in there.

 

Thanks NMB and Radu. I get it now and yes, I will take ownership of everything that is making me unhappy outside of my family's issues. I need to accept the issues at hand and keep it away from my personal life outside of my family. Im afraid of unconsciously trying to use an outlet to express my frustrations, but will train myself to not act on impulsive behavior from now on.

 

My current relationship with my siblings aren't that great, but its not like I hate them or anything. Im closest to my older brother, but we don't talk on a regular basis. As for my younger siblings, we just don't talk to one another unless theres a reason... Its always been this way since I could remember.

 

Im really afraid of changing negatively after all of this and how I will treat my future relationships... I know I have full control of myself in regards to that, but I'm just worried that it might cost me something great... Im trying to be very productive and not do anything self-damaging, but I still have another year in this "home" and might cause more turmoil in me...

 

I was never close to my family in any given point of my life and never built an emotional attachment to them. Funny how this happens and I'm completely broken...

 

Its a horrible feeling to believe my whole life that my parents loved one another, that they cared for all of us (the kids), and put us first. But, they didn't and I can give specific reasons of why I see it this way now. One very meaningful event to me that explains how selfish they were was when they convinced me not to walk during my graduation ceremony to fly to another country for my family reunion in a different country for the first time... Ever since then, I lost the value of an accomplishment after hard work. It influenced me to half-a** everything afterwards, but now I know that was wrong. Trust me when I say there are MANY more reasons and situations that had a negative impact on my growth.

 

Im 27, but I feel like I have a lot of growing up to do. It sucks that I had to learn this way and Im angry about it. I feel that my life just went to waste and experienced nothing in life since I didn't "grow" in maturity. However, I feel that I still have a chance to change all of that and grow from now on, especially since I still have a chance to experience attending a university. I think the next 5 years will be a crucial development in my life, but I'm deathly afraid of the unknown...

 

"Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

[ihateslowjams]

Im beginning to have much anger towards both of my parents. Is this normal in my situation?

 

I feel more sorry for my dad and have more frustrations towards my mother. Im beginning to think she has narcissistic/codependency traits and its greatly annoying me. She keeps prying into my life and doesn't give me any space.

 

I asked her to stop telling me things I already know or things to do (like to eat dinner, or pointing out that an open letter that I finished reading is from the insurance company since she first opened the letters and read it herself...). She took it personal and isn't understanding of what she's doing. I explained Im going through my own issues at the moment and need to handle everything thats bothering me by myself, but she mentioned how we should be talking about it together because we can help each other.

 

Honestly, I don't see it that way and I don't think I will ever. My mom lied, my dad cheated, and my view of them is completely destroyed.

 

Damn, I seriously wish I can fast forward to 1 year from now and move out to the university that accepts me. I don't know if I can last another year of this... Im miserable here.

[NoMagicBullet]

Sorry I've been away from this thread for a bit.

 

I think it's very normal to be angry with your parents right now; I imagine you'll be angry for a long time, and I'd think that would be normal, too. (I think the trick is to not let the anger consume you or affect your life decisions in ways that are bad for you.)

 

Some of the stuff your mom does -- telling you want to do, getting into your business -- actually sounds like some of the stuff my mother still does (with everyone), and she takes it personally, too. I don't know if it's a mom thing, bad boundaries, or something else. Whatever the case, it's unlikely that it will change. You just need to hang in there until you can go away to school.

 

You have a few more days before your first therapy session, right? It's individual counseling, I hope? I think having a professional you can talk to on a regular basis about what you are dealing with (not family/group therapy with you parents involved) will help you the most.

 

Good luck.