My wife will be devastated when I leave...

[lovely81]

As someone who has felt like your wife in the past in a relationship, you might want to gently point out to her that she is not happy either. I have empathy for both of you, and hope this step will ultimately lead you both to freedom and happiness. Though she might think that she is better off with you, it seems like the relationship might just be working as an excuse for her to avoid finding her own source of happiness. I would avoid explaining overly much and just focus on being strong yet compassionate when sharing your decision. Good luck with your next chapter! Both my parents thrived after splitting!

[dangerous]

OP, other than addressing the issues with your wife directly, have either of you considering Marital Counseling at all?

 

It seems like an awfully drastic move you are moving without first going through the motions of trying pursue any and all methods to repair your marriage before decamping.

 

Yes I tried everything: marriage counsellors (went alone as my wife refused, then eventually she came once, blew up and walked out and told me never again). I've encouraged her to see doctors more often but she doesn't have faith in them and she doesn't try or stick with any alternative therapies. I've told her how frustrated it makes me to see her 'unwell' but not really trying to get stronger and fitter.

 

There really is no hope our situation will change and I just feel so tired about it all. My choice is simple: accept this is how it's gonna be for rest of my life or get out and start again.

 

I just feel so selfish and heartless about leaving. That's the only problem holding me back.

[TaraMaiden]

If you stay, who in 20 years time, will thank you for that?

 

The dysfunction in your family life has probably been a factor in your daughter's condition.

there's no hope of improving that while you're there - so I figure that leaves you with just one option.

you need to heap buckets of reassurance onto your daughter - but at the same time let your wife know she will have to find some other sucker to be dependent on.

 

Harsh. Sorry.

 

But true.

[dangerous]

Ok so I'm almost there. Plan to do it tomorrow but may need to bring forward to today ( can't act as though everything is alright, she's being sweet, between moaning incessantly .)

 

Any advice on whether I tell her I'm moving out, to give us space (sounds less final to her?) or make clear it's over for good and divorce will follow? Massive shock either way, but is it better to drip feed it to give her a chance to cope or drop the atom bomb?

 

I get it I need to be honest but do I need to be brutal?

[TaraMaiden]

Being 'gradual' about it, is like trying to leap a ditch in two steps.

You don't need to be 'brutal' but you do need to stand in front of her, and tell her,

 

"Come Sunday, I'll be gone. I'm moving out, and I'm calling an end to this charade.

It has to be done, and I'm done trying.

 

sorry it had to end this way, but you leave me no other choice. your lack of commitment and dedication to making our marriage work, tells me more about how you value me as a husband, more than anything else you could say.

 

I'll let you digest that fact, while I carry on packing."

 

and go.

do not engage her in recriminations, arguments, justifications or anything.

Just do it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

FM is incredibly difficult to treat. In fact, it is considered an incurable illness and is often progressive. It limits mobility too, so weight gain is common. I am sure your wife initially tried many treatments that didn't work and years later kinda gave up. Who can blame her? You are showing incredibly low empathy and are using an excuse that she "doesn't listen to doctors". Why should she? It's probably all the same BS she has heard and tried before that didn't work. I am very close to someone who has FM and is on disability, as well as becoming slowly obese over the years. She is in a lot of pain constantly.

 

What happened to sticking with your partner through thick and thin?

 

It's OK to leave, everyone is free to chose: but let's get real here - your wife has become a burden, it's not fun dealing with long term illness, and you can't get it up due to her weight gain. You want a new, fun and carefree life. Fine. Just as long as you don't lie to yourself and others.

 

On the top of that, you are also dealing with an ill daughter, who you are not willing to put ahead of your selfish needs.

 

And the icing on the cake is that you are preparing a secret apartment and "acting", actively deceiving your wife until you have everything ready there. :sick: Spineless to the max. At the very least, she deserves to be told like YESTERDAY.

[dangerous]

Eternal sunshine. Have you actually read this thread? I've shown devotion for best part of 24 years. I've supported my wife throughout and also given my wife umpteen opportunities to change some of her behaviour which I find incompatible. How mucho her do I give this, my whole life? Sorry I don't buy into the marriage vows ideal if the marriage ain't working.

 

Yes I agree with everything you said about FMS and also that she had no joy with doctors but it's her choice not to try more to manage her condition. What about all those disabled people who remain positive? It's her attitude not her condition which I'm running from.

 

And the matter of my daughter has nbeing going on for years and our (broken) marriage has not helped - I really don't think my separation will be damaging to my daughter, personally I think it will help. But of course with mental disorders there are no guarantees either way.

 

Yes I welcome constructive criticism but telling me I'm a selfish SOB is way off track and frankly just too late in the day. I'm not prepared to be a martyr for the rest of my life and carry on making the same mistakes which have been making 3 people here unhappy.

[dangerous]

Ps. Who said my wife is obese?! I said she let herself go: she often doesn't get dressed all day, wears old clothes, poor grooming, negative attitude, doesn't go out, etc etc.

 

And yes I know it sounds like depression but years of trying to get her to self improve, see doctors, find friends, talk to family continue to fall on deaf ears. My daughter told her the same for years too. My wife has to find the strength within herself or accept that is the way she is and always will be, but I can't live like it any more.

 

If that's selfish then I'm guilty as charged.

Edited August 11, 2012 by dangerous

[SarahRose]

Maybe she won't be as upset as you think she will be. Maybe she is as miserable with you too.

 

How would you feel if she isn't upset when you tell her?

[dangerous]

Maybe she won't be as upset as you think she will be. Maybe she is as miserable with you too.

 

How would you feel if she isn't upset when you tell her?

Would be delighted and relieved I think.

 

I will see soon enough, am having the discussion this afternoon...

[SoleMate]

Any advice on whether I tell her I'm moving out, to give us space (sounds less final to her?) or make clear it's over for good and divorce will follow? Massive shock either way, but is it better to drip feed it to give her a chance to cope or drop the atom bomb?

 

No drip feed. That makes it worse.

 

Just honesty and clarity and brevity. Also, no need for hostility or accusations or anything smacking of "this is all your fault". That is hard on her and you too. Accusations, interrogation and cross-examination only make sense if there is to be a trial, but in this case, final judgment has already been rendered: unilateral and permanent separation and divorce of the parties.

 

Just give her the facts....you're leaving, it's over, she has the house through January. I assume you are leaving her money for living expenses etc. It may be easier for her if you have these basic facts on a sheet of paper for her. Don't be harsh, try to be distantly compassionate like a very professional HR rep who will make sure the redundant person knows the benefits available to her and may even negotiate a few details, but is not going to change the employment decision no matter what.

 

Ending a marriage is inevitably painful for both parties. Don't be surprised if you find yourself grieving in ways you can't imagine now. Also don't be surprised if she takes this easier than you expect (or harder for that matter). You should prepare yourself for almost any reaction.

 

I feel very sorry for both of you. This marriage has been hard and unhappy for a long time. I believe you have done your best. For all I know, your W has also done her best and it just hasn't been enough. She has been dependent on you to an extreme. You may also have developed unwholesome patterns vis-a-vis her. I hope each of you will find a way to create a better life. Please give your daughter the focus she needs. Bulimia is a very dangerous disease.

[dangerous]

Update:

I delivered the news yesterday afternoon. She went MAD: screaming, running about the house, smashing things, hitting herself, I was really scared for her safety.

 

She begged me to stay and give her one last chance, said I owed it to her. I told her that we'd been here before and she had promised to change but hadn't/ couldn't. I said its me and my desires that were different to hers and it wasn't realistic for me to expect her to change.

 

She asked me for a list of all the things she needed to change (again) and said she'd do anything. Already this morning she's saying it's too much stress and she can't cope.

 

I know it won't work but she begged me not to leave her alone at this time (while my daughter is away and also in the middle if this eating disorder.)

 

She said that if we get through my daughters illness and I still feel the same then she'd accept my decision.

 

Difficult times ...

[TaraMaiden]

If you capitulate and stay, then it will never happen. Because after your daughter, there will be *this* then after *this*, *that*.....

If you make 'threats' you can be nothing true to anyone, if you fail to follow through.

 

Above all, you tread on your own dreams.

And nobody has the right to ask that of us.

[darkmoon]

yur daughter is a legal adult, no need to pay,

[Hopefulandinlove]

That's hard. I feel so bad for your wife.

 

My suggestion is to stay, but keep your seperate place. Tell her that this this is her last chance. Keep reminding her as time goes by of all the things she has to change.

Spend some of your time at your own place, but not all of your time. Try moving back into one bedroom. Make that one of your conditions and then sleep there every night.

I think this is fixable, but she really needs to see how serious you are.

[TaraMaiden]

Have you read the thread?

After over 20 years of trying, there comes a time when beating your head against the wall, needs to stop....

[SoleMate]

I would have to say, don't even consider trying to fix this, unless you really want to AND she shows with her ACTIONS that she is seriously changing. I don't lightly recommend throwing in the towel on long-term marriages, but I have to say, you sound really done....as in, you've tried, you've hoped for years and years, you're no longer even primarily angry or disappointed, you're just worn out with the hamster wheel and the promises.

 

Only so many years on this planet for any of us, I recommend living the life you want to live.

[scatterd]

I am appalled by the lack of compassion for a person suffering from fibromyalgia and chronic pain.This is not easy to deal with it is very painful. I am sure she does not choose to feel like this. It is so funny how others can judge when they have no idea what she is feeling. Sex can be painful also. It affects your nerves, muscles, digestive track and causes depression among other things.After going to doctors over and over to not find relieve I am sure she has given up. They have no cure, nor do they know what causes it. Many people are coming up with it including children. If he wants to leave thats fine.I am sure it has been hard on him but I feel for her and this will be devastating and hard for her. Do your research and hope no body you love comes up with this.

 

http://www.bing.com/health/article/mayo-MADS00079/Fibromyalgia?q=fibromyalgia+symptoms&qpvt=fibromyalgia+symptoms#symptoms

Edited August 12, 2012 by scatterd

[TaraMaiden]

I think you may be missing the point...

It's not that we lack compassion for her - but if you read the thread, and history, you will see that this woman has done little or nothing to help herself in this; she does not adhere to a treatment schedule, does not look after herself, and does not take her medication.

while I understand her predicament (I have an ex-boss who suffered from the condition, and while it was severely debilitating, she often worked from home, and followed treatment and recommendations, including exercise and diet closely) the OP's wife has not "stepped up to the plate" and contributed to her own well-being...

 

Furthermore, staying with someone out of pity and sympathy for their condition, is misguided and inadvisable. If the love has died, and the marriage is a sham, there is much against recommending someone remains...

I figure the OP must be both physically and mentally exhausted trying to manage everything at once.

[scatterd]

I understand allot more then you know. Even after being on medicine it does not guarantee relieve. Not two people are the same and everybody's pain tolerance is different. She want`s to sleep because that is the only time she can escape from the pain. Can you imagine every part of your body hurting and even when you do try to do things you are so weak and can do so little because all you want to just crawl out of your skin. I understand that it is hard on him and he wants to go and have a life. She is insecure because she knows she can not do as she pleases and make her husband happy. But some people have dogged on her and that is defensive. She will understand he wants to go. I have compassion for both. The medication she was taken might have made her feel worse. I am not here to put him down but to here people saying she is plain lazy and just sits on her Ar's while he is doing everything is

wrong. She probably can get disability now also because if your husband makes to much money she will not qualify. Can you imagine what 15 yrs. of pain can do to a person? I think others can help him with out taking cheap shots on her. I know you have a big heart I have seen your post. I just want others to understand her part. This is probably why he feels so guilty but he needs to live. I also wonder if he has looked into the fibromyalgia foundation to find out if their is something new. Maybe if she was taken to someone she thinks can help she will go. She needs to have a good day to even get the energy to go.

[scatterd]

dangerous

I have compassion for you and your wife. I understand you have fell out of love, bored and tired. I am sure you are broken hearted to have to leave. I do not think their is an easy way to leave your wife especially under the circumstances. But if you want to help her so she can survive that would be best. First of all have you talked to the fibromyalgia foundation? They will give counseling and help her to get to the right kind of doctor. Also she probably should be in pain management. They can do radio frequency on her nerves and try to keep her pain down though other ways. Not having someone to talk to that understands what she is going through has to be hard on her the foundation also has group meetings. She will need something for depression and also will have to build her energy up. She needs to file for disability and also get help for food and such which she can file for through welfare. I understand how bad she feels and I know you are feeling guilty but if you help with some of her fears she will do better in handling the split. I think she wants help but does not know where or how to get it. I wish I could be there to support her with what she is going through. She could have more then Fibromyalgis also which you both will find out when she goes to the doctor. She is going to needs someone to help her to do these things she has basically given up. Talk to her family and ask for help.I hope she gets the help she needs. I wish you the best my prayers are with you both.

Edited August 12, 2012 by scatterd

[dangerous]

Thank to all for advice and well wishes.

 

Yes the FMS is a major thing, my wife does indeed experience pain, insomnia, immune deficiency etc. in the UK the condition is not recognised in the same way it seems to be in the US. Accordingly we have been left on our own to try to deal with it.

 

Unfortunately my wife's parents are unsupportive and even when she phoned them to tell them I was leaving they offered no sanctuary for her.

 

She really is dependant on me, and I just couldn't follow through when she begged me for one last chance. It's a two way street so I need to give it a genuine try and get my attitude right (ie. supportive and positive) and also to encourage and ensure some real improvements result if we commit and endure.

 

My W asked me not to bottle things up and to ensure I talk to her more directly and often. We've agreed that as well as ad hoc discussions we'll have a review every Friday. She's agreed to immediately reclaim her appearance booking a hairdresser this week, sort out her clothes piles and start wearing them to go out even to the shops. She's gonna resume her therapist and go see the GP about some different meds. She's even said she'll get a part time job.

 

Obviously these are all promises and it's early days, but if we ensure regular discussion and monitoring I'm content to give this a big push. With half a lifetime of investing in this marriage and the consequences of leaving, I think I'd prefer it to work than not.

 

It's work in progress...

[scatterd]

I hope she can live up to your expatiations of her. I am sure she loves you and really wants to do this but can she realistically work? I believe she will do better. She needs someone that is knowledgeable of her condition. I did allot of reading on fibromyalgia and they did not know enough about in the beginning. They use to think it was in peoples minds, but after so many people came up with it and was studied they found out it was a real thing. I hope someday they will figure it all out. Their is new medications out. You can get info from the Fibromyalgia foundation. I hope everything works out for you both, I know you have done so much and I have to hand it to you, I know this not easy.This is so sad she got this so young. I feel for both of you. I pray this turns out the way you want. Keep coming here for support it can help to have people to talk to.

[stillafool]

I knew it!!!

[TaraMaiden]

I knew it!!!

 

There are currently 2 threads running where guys have been pushed to their absolute limits, and have said they're leaving - and both guys have back-pedalled to an extent or another....

 

I guess we are in no position to judge or pass criticism, because we're not directly in their shoes....

But there has to be a certain co-dependency here - and both men seem to indicate that they feel there is a need for them to stay within the environment, even though emotionally, they're done, because of 'other responsibilities'....

 

I have to say - I couldn't do it.

Once it's over - it's over.

 

And 'over' also means 'out'.