Looking for input

[Summer Breeze]

Four years ago I ended my three year R with MM. I ended it because it eventually caused me to be much more unhappy than happy. I told him I wanted more and gave him the chance to change things. I knew he wouldn't and he didn't. I ended it. It broke my heart and I've never fallen out of love with him but I know it was the right thing to do and it was the right time to do it.

 

Some months ago he sent an email and he'd scanned his D papers. Shortly after he scanned a letter from his lawyer confirming they'd been filed. Recently he sent an email telling me that things were just about done and he wanted to take me out. This morning I responded and told him he could call me this weekend so we could arrange something.

 

I have a huge array of emotions in me right now. I'm excited, scared, amazed, happy and sad. I honestly don't know what to expect. It's been such a long time. I really don't have any questions for anyone yet. I think I'm just wanting to say it to someone and not sure if I want to tell my friends quite yet.

 

Please fill my head with warnings, questions, comfort and whatever else. Make me think because right now I'm the deer in the headlights and a little stunned.

[imperfectangel]

No doubt he will probably feel the same

 

You'll be together - a open honest relationship you can be happy with him now without having a shadow over your relationship

 

I wish you the best of luck I know really it won't happen for me but one day I hope ex mm has the same news for me

[Summer Breeze]

No doubt he will probably feel the same

 

You'll be together - a open honest relationship you can be happy with him now without having a shadow over your relationship

 

I wish you the best of luck I know really it won't happen for me but one day I hope ex mm has the same news for me

 

Thanks IA. I never expected it and I think that's why I'm so stunned. Thank you.

[imperfectangel]

I would be too but I'd also look at this as a fresh start for you both

 

You've had this time away from each other he's shown you that he's serious (divorce) he is a single man and you are a single woman enjoy this time getting to know each other treat it like any new relationship

 

Good luck

[mercy]

Four years ago I ended my three year R with MM. I ended it because it eventually caused me to be much more unhappy than happy. I told him I wanted more and gave him the chance to change things. I knew he wouldn't and he didn't. I ended it. It broke my heart and I've never fallen out of love with him but I know it was the right thing to do and it was the right time to do it.

 

Some months ago he sent an email and he'd scanned his D papers. Shortly after he scanned a letter from his lawyer confirming they'd been filed. Recently he sent an email telling me that things were just about done and he wanted to take me out. This morning I responded and told him he could call me this weekend so we could arrange something.

 

I have a huge array of emotions in me right now. I'm excited, scared, amazed, happy and sad. I honestly don't know what to expect. It's been such a long time. I really don't have any questions for anyone yet. I think I'm just wanting to say it to someone and not sure if I want to tell my friends quite yet.

 

Please fill my head with warnings, questions, comfort and whatever else. Make me think because right now I'm the deer in the headlights and a little stunned.

 

warnings - NO don't be with a cheater!

 

questions - You really haven't heard from him in four years?

 

comfort - aww there there

 

whatever else - Hope you know I'm teasing.

 

Anyway I can't imagine how frightening it must feel to step back into the past. Did he hurt you terribly bad? Can you put that pain behind you and move forward?

 

Are you single? When I was young 4 years seemed like a long time but now not so much. You love him still, right? You did the right thing 4 years ago. Do you trust him enough with your heart because really that's all it's about.

[MourningLosses]

That's my dream too. Though if he did I would have to file too.

 

And then there's this tiny part of me that's so appalled at his lies to his wife that I wonder if he'd do it to me. I hate myself for thinking it. I wasn't living with my H most of our relationship so I never really had to lie. But he tells me now that he lied to both me and his wife. Maybe he didn't, maybe he's just trying to make it easier for me to hate him and move on. I hope he's just trying to be nice even though it's the cruelest thing.

 

But I hope it's really just that they are with the wrong woman and they are the good and honest men we know they can be. Only we know they can be.

 

I'm so happy for you!

[Summer Breeze]

warnings - NO don't be with a cheater!

 

questions - You really haven't heard from him in four years?

 

comfort - aww there there

 

whatever else - Hope you know I'm teasing.

 

Anyway I can't imagine how frightening it must feel to step back into the past. Did he hurt you terribly bad? Can you put that pain behind you and move forward?

 

Are you single? When I was young 4 years seemed like a long time but now not so much. You love him still, right? You did the right thing 4 years ago. Do you trust him enough with your heart because really that's all it's about.

 

You made me smile Mercy!

 

He didn't hurt me at all actually. He always told me he wouldn't leave home for me and gave me the choice as to what to do. I was happy till I wasn't and ended it. I'd be lying if there wasn't part of me that wanted him to leave and be with me but I knew in my heart he wouldn't -- and he didn't.

 

I do still love him. I just am worried that we may not be the same people anymore. Chance I'm willing to take though.

 

I don't completely trust anyone with my heart. I haven't since my xH cheated on me. But I push through it and I keep my power. I am very aware of how much I'd let go during my M and while I've let people in since then I won't ever give up myself. I guess I do trust him with it but I'll never leave it unattended.

 

Thank you Mercy. You are one of my favorite posters here. Your story on another thread had me almost in tears. I'm so glad you and your H found your way back.

[mercy]

You made me smile Mercy!

 

He didn't hurt me at all actually. He always told me he wouldn't leave home for me and gave me the choice as to what to do. I was happy till I wasn't and ended it. I'd be lying if there wasn't part of me that wanted him to leave and be with me but I knew in my heart he wouldn't -- and he didn't.

 

I do still love him. I just am worried that we may not be the same people anymore. Chance I'm willing to take though.

 

I don't completely trust anyone with my heart. I haven't since my xH cheated on me. But I push through it and I keep my power. I am very aware of how much I'd let go during my M and while I've let people in since then I won't ever give up myself. I guess I do trust him with it but I'll never leave it unattended.

 

Thank you Mercy. You are one of my favorite posters here. Your story on another thread had me almost in tears. I'm so glad you and your H found your way back.

 

Well, thank you.

 

So glad you got the humor, some are so touchy...

 

I say GO FOR IT!

 

If it doesn't work well you'll still learn something, life's a lesson.

 

If it does, what a journey it will be!

 

So, you know I'm a bw and are still talking to me?

[Leelou]

Four years ago I ended my three year R with MM. I ended it because it eventually caused me to be much more unhappy than happy. I told him I wanted more and gave him the chance to change things. I knew he wouldn't and he didn't. I ended it. It broke my heart and I've never fallen out of love with him but I know it was the right thing to do and it was the right time to do it.

 

Some months ago he sent an email and he'd scanned his D papers. Shortly after he scanned a letter from his lawyer confirming they'd been filed. Recently he sent an email telling me that things were just about done and he wanted to take me out. This morning I responded and told him he could call me this weekend so we could arrange something.

 

I have a huge array of emotions in me right now. I'm excited, scared, amazed, happy and sad. I honestly don't know what to expect. It's been such a long time. I really don't have any questions for anyone yet. I think I'm just wanting to say it to someone and not sure if I want to tell my friends quite yet.

 

Please fill my head with warnings, questions, comfort and whatever else. Make me think because right now I'm the deer in the headlights and a little stunned.

I don't have any warnings.

 

I think if you had not broken up with him four years ago, that you would be still in an A with him, and would be helping his marriage limp along.

 

Seems to me that when you broke up with him, his marriage did not last for too much longer.. I think it must have given him the courage to end his marriage.

[Summer Breeze]

Well, thank you.

 

So glad you got the humor, some are so touchy...

 

I say GO FOR IT!

 

If it doesn't work well you'll still learn something, life's a lesson.

 

If it does, what a journey it will be!

 

So, you know I'm a bw and are still talking to me?

 

I didn't answer 2 of your questions from your first post -- 1) I did hear from him over the years. Flowers every Valentine Day and on my birthday every year, and the odd email that I often never opened. I think I might now. I never responded to anything. 2)Yes I'm single and was when we were involved.

 

I'm a BW as well. I didn't reconcile though. I talk to everyone because I've learned from everyone, even people that really pi$$ me off sometimes!

 

You're right -- life's a lesson! Thanks again.

[whichwayisup]

Take..it..slowly!

 

No sex. No sleepovers. Don't rush back into things as they once were. He can officially take you out on a date, pick you up and drop you at home afterwards.

 

Remember too, even though his D is just about to be final, if not already, he still needs time to adjust and be alone. Things are still fresh and yes, on some level he'll still be grieving that loss, a life he once had with friends, extended family etc.. I assume you want him fully but for him to also be fully ready. Again, take it slowly.

[Summer Breeze]

That's my dream too. Though if he did I would have to file too.

 

And then there's this tiny part of me that's so appalled at his lies to his wife that I wonder if he'd do it to me. I hate myself for thinking it. I wasn't living with my H most of our relationship so I never really had to lie. But he tells me now that he lied to both me and his wife. Maybe he didn't, maybe he's just trying to make it easier for me to hate him and move on. I hope he's just trying to be nice even though it's the cruelest thing.

 

But I hope it's really just that they are with the wrong woman and they are the good and honest men we know they can be. Only we know they can be.

 

I'm so happy for you!

 

I've been reading your thread ML. You're in a tough place right now and I hope it gets better for you. I still am concerned about your H in all of this. The one thing I realized was if I couldn't be happy with MM I needed to find out where I would be. If you're not happy with your H then you owe it to both of you to find out where you should be and let him do the same.

 

I'm not convinced of the cruel to be kind theory but I don't know your situation enough to tell you for sure that is not the case. Either way he's made the choice to be where he is and as much as it hurts you need to move forward with your life. Keep posting here and sift through all of the advice. There are lots of people here who have been through he!! and back.

 

Thank you for your good wishes.

[whichwayisup]

I do still love him. I just am worried that we may not be the same people anymore. Chance I'm willing to take though.

 

You two shouldn't be the same two people from four years ago. I would hope that each of you have learned and grown.

 

This is why I said to take it slow with him. Don't rush into any too serious, get out of the frame of mind that you were his OW and he was your MM. That dynamic has to end 100% if you two have a healthy shot at this.

 

I still am weary that he's wanting to take you out SO soon after his D. I wish he'd waited longer so he could be alone and process everything and not just hop out of his marriage and straight to you. That is a red flag. Why can't he be alone and have NO woman in his life. Something you should maybe ask him.. (is he or has he done counselling to fix himself? Remember too, all those habits he's had from his marriage, how he deals with things, communicates are all still there inside of him..)

[Summer Breeze]

If he is divorced...whats the problem. For me the fact that he cheated would be a red flag. But there is no wife involved, he is free to date.

 

There's no problem other than nerves and trying to get my head around the fact he's actually doing it. I believe people until they give me a reason not to. He's never lied to me and I'll trust him till something comes up where I shouldn't. Having said that I'm also someone who is always on my guard. Thanks BNB.

[Summer Breeze]

I don't have any warnings.

 

I think if you had not broken up with him four years ago, that you would be still in an A with him, and would be helping his marriage limp along.

 

Seems to me that when you broke up with him, his marriage did not last for too much longer.. I think it must have given him the courage to end his marriage.

 

You're probably right Leelou. There were multiple ddays and his BW and I talked after most. I got the impression they were both in it for similar reasons and that they still loved each other but it had run its course. That was my take on it but I really don't know. He wasn't miserable in any way, I do know that.

[Summer Breeze]

If things are "just about done," then I would wait until they are actually done and shown proof. It ain't over until it's over. Don't be foolish.

 

Thanks Alice and you're right. It's supposed to be final by mid September. I'll know more when we talk. He has always respected my wishes so if I tell him we need to wait till next year he'd do it.

 

Thank you Alice.

[mercy]

I didn't answer 2 of your questions from your first post -- 1) I did hear from him over the years. Flowers every Valentine Day and on my birthday every year, and the odd email that I often never opened. I think I might now. I never responded to anything. 2)Yes I'm single and was when we were involved.

 

I'm a BW as well. I didn't reconcile though. I talk to everyone because I've learned from everyone, even people that really pi$$ me off sometimes!

 

You're right -- life's a lesson! Thanks again.

 

It would be interesting to know what those emails said. So he contacted you and you stuck to your word of no contact, I'm impressed.

 

They could be very telling, you know?

 

I avoid pissers like the plague. Life is too short.

 

You will be posting back with details of the meet right? Please!

[whichwayisup]

Thanks Alice and you're right. It's supposed to be final by mid September. I'll know more when we talk. He has always respected my wishes so if I tell him we need to wait till next year he'd do it.

 

Thank you Alice.

 

THen don't go on a 'date' with him until the D is final.

 

After four years, one would think, can't he wait until the D is final? Why is he in such a hurry to pick up where things left off? RED FLAG.

[Summer Breeze]

Take..it..slowly!

 

No sex. No sleepovers. Don't rush back into things as they once were. He can officially take you out on a date, pick you up and drop you at home afterwards.

 

Remember too, even though his D is just about to be final, if not already, he still needs time to adjust and be alone. Things are still fresh and yes, on some level he'll still be grieving that loss, a life he once had with friends, extended family etc.. I assume you want him fully but for him to also be fully ready. Again, take it slowly.

 

You're 100% right on that WWIU. That's something I'd thought as well. A proper 1950s date (before my time but you know what I mean)!

 

This is probably where I know I'll be weakest. I'll be all patient and good right now but once we see each other a few times I'll be looking to jump in at the deep end. Great advice and thank you very much for that.

[Summer Breeze]

Additionally, tell him to scan you his lease agreement and/or utility bills for the new place he should have already gotten.

 

That is an excellent point. He told me when he moved out so it would be a good way to verify it. It probably won't hurt for him to know I'm doublechecking things. Great thought Alice.

[Summer Breeze]

You two shouldn't be the same two people from four years ago. I would hope that each of you have learned and grown.

 

This is why I said to take it slow with him. Don't rush into any too serious, get out of the frame of mind that you were his OW and he was your MM. That dynamic has to end 100% if you two have a healthy shot at this.

 

I still am weary that he's wanting to take you out SO soon after his D. I wish he'd waited longer so he could be alone and process everything and not just hop out of his marriage and straight to you. That is a red flag. Why can't he be alone and have NO woman in his life. Something you should maybe ask him.. (is he or has he done counselling to fix himself? Remember too, all those habits he's had from his marriage, how he deals with things, communicates are all still there inside of him..)

 

In all honesty I never had the dynamic in my head about being an OW. I asked a whole lot of him and he never resisted. To me he was like someone I dated who lived a ways away. I may have to be aware of how he's treating me though. Good point.

 

He's been out of the M home for 8 months now and he isn't pushing to meet up quickly. He'll let me pace it however I choose to go which is a good thing. I had thought about counselling and plan to ask about that.

 

Thanks again WWIU

[Summer Breeze]

But he's not divorced. He showed her a letter that he FILED.

Bottom line - he's still married. Until you see proof showing otherwise, then I would wait.

 

Agreed and until I talk to him I won't know.

[Summer Breeze]

It would be interesting to know what those emails said. So he contacted you and you stuck to your word of no contact, I'm impressed.

 

They could be very telling, you know?

 

I avoid pissers like the plague. Life is too short.

 

You will be posting back with details of the meet right? Please!

 

After some of the suggestions I might be having the call and just holding back for a bit. I do promise I'll report back though!

[Summer Breeze]

THen don't go on a 'date' with him until the D is final.

 

After four years, one would think, can't he wait until the D is final? Why is he in such a hurry to pick up where things left off? RED FLAG.

 

It hasn't been a huge hurry and he's not pressuring to go out immediately.

 

Said it in another response so won't say it again here! Good points though and if I missed anything just let me know. Not dodging anything on purpose.

[Silly_Girl]

SB, I think in your shoes I would wonder whether, when seeing (viewing) the guy, I was seeing the old him or the new him. You are both likely to have changed in some ways and it would be easy to feel the 'magic' from before <ducks to miss shoe SB has just thrown at my head> as opposed to starting over. Knowing myself as I do I suspect there would be the danger of a honeymoon period prior to me seeing things a little more clearly HOWEVER you are a savvy kinda gal and I think you'd be aware of such possible factors.

 

The other thing, again referring to me in your shoes, having 'waited' for him, if I committed to trying the R out I wonder whether I'd then feel, oh I don't know... not obliged as such but maybe like I had to give it the best chance I could, in a 'made your bed....' way.

 

Right, that's me projecting my own foibles on to you Now to you... I think this sounds really promising. He sounds like he's gone away and quietly sorted his $hit out and not brought any drama to your door. If only more people behaved this way! I would DEFINITELY recommend meeting up with him, and taking it slow and steady. See if he's a man you would like to share your life with. How exciting!