Looking for input

[Summer Breeze]

I would wait to see him, filing for divorce is not a divorce.

 

It seems he is the type of man who can never be alone, always needs a

woman at his side, and for three years during your affair he had two women at his side.

 

The ink isn't even dry and he wants to take you on a date, maybe he is giving himself the option that if you and he don't work out and since he is still legally married he still has the option to stay married and woo his wife back.

 

It takes at least a year after a divorce to feel independent and to get your life straightened out before getting serious with someone new. He is

jumping out of one frying pan into another because he is scared to be alone.

 

 

Be careful.

 

He's been M for about 35 years so I don't know if he even has a clue if he likes living alone. With my luck he'll love it!

 

He doesn't make decisions lightly so I feel pretty confident he wouldn't be lining up his options. To him the only option when he does something is to do it. Of course I haven't spoken to him in 4 years so I don't know if he's still the same way. I do get what you're saying though and it does make sense.

 

I promise I'll be careful and I got all of you to help out when the going gets tough. I'm no fool. I know that even if things go well it's going to be tough.

[Summer Breeze]

Seeing him now - YOU stand a good chance of ALLOWING HIN to bring in his baggage from the M.

 

Proper order is key! You've waited this long - why not wait and allow him the time to seek counseling - the help he needs to adjust to being HEALTHY on his own?

 

That way he stands a better chance at bringing his healthier self into dating you! Without that change - he's just offering you his broken self. That's just not a good choice for anyone...

 

I agree proper order is the key. I just need to come to a decision on exactly what that order should be.

 

I like the bolded. There are also a few things from his life that he could probably use some help with. Nothing much but just so he can understand a little more clearly some of his actions. Nothing to do with the A or actually even the M.

[Summer Breeze]

You don't know he HASN'T sorted his $hit out, either.

 

From SB's previous posts I gathered that he was respectful of her, and treated her well. He was in a prior relationship but otherwise it seemed SB was pretty satisfied - FOR HERSELF - of his character. Lots of questions that she may well already know the answer to, they were together a long time. Not sure why that would change now, and getting to know him again is how she'll find out.

 

I know from experience that a divorce may NOT be an upsetting process and ties might have been long severed. I can't guess at these things, just as you can't. There's lots to be considered, hence the thread. There was also a lot more to my post than one line

 

I do have a good idea some of the answers to some of my questions but it was a few years ago I knew him so I'm happy to admit I don't know him as he is now. I am happy with his character and he never treated me disrespectfully. I was part of a lot of his life and I also never allowed the normal OW things. If he had a call from his W he left the room. If he chose to speak to her in front of me I didn't do anything differently. I wasn't going to hide and I wasn't going to let anyone hide me. What he said to her I dont know because I never heard a conversation until ddays. I know we weren't totally free but it was fine until it wasn't. I still don't feel disrespected by him but i can see how people could be concerned about that.

 

Thanks SG

[Summer Breeze]

Where did I say he hadn't sorted his shyt? I said that just because D had been filed, doesn't mean that he has. Don't know why you'd be offended by that but sorry if it hit a nerve.

 

I don't call someone keeping another hidden respectful, regardless of whether the OP willingly accepts it. Of course, YMMV.

 

My point is that probably most of these R's that start out as affairs don't make it because one or both parties assume that the bar is set lower because of the previous relationship. IMO, it should be set much higher, not lower.

 

I like that jthorne and I think you're dead right.

[beenburned]

SB,

 

35 years? OMG, I missed that part!

[Summer Breeze]

Hi SB, forgive me for being a bit cynical but I can't help it after my experience but I do say what I'm going to with good intent for YOU.

 

I'd verify the divorce papers and I think I would wait until it was final, to protect yourself.

 

You may disagree but I think cheating is a character defect and illustrates selfishness. Yes people can change, and maybe he has. I'd want to see evidence that he is not that person anymore.

 

Date, make him court you, have fun! Go Slow, like a snail. lol

 

I like the bolded Lady Grey.

 

I agre that it is sometimes a character defect but I have to say I don't see that with him. I realize what a huge statement that is because if I'm wrong you'll all come down on me like a ton of bricks! But I don't. Again there are some things I prefer not to go into a whole lot of detail. A child with an illness that he wasn't prepared to leave was the huge thing. In my heart I am hugely worried the child may have passed away and I'm hoping more than anything that hasn't happened. If it has then there are a whole new set of issues to consider. Again it's something I don't know and need to.

 

Thank you LG for the post. Like everyone you're talking a lot of sense and I appreciate it.

[Summer Breeze]

I can only imagine how you feel.

 

While not the same situation, my advice would be what I give people on the second chances forum, when they're gonna meet up with their ex again: Don't get ahead of yourself.

 

You're pretty smart SB, and I doubt you'll simply dive back full on with him. I'd take it as it comes, that is, not trying to plan far into the future but just gauge the situation and your feelings and take things as slow as you want.

 

Are you scared that you are still in love with and that, even though he's divorced, it might not work out anyway? What are your fears/concerns now, since his marriage is seemingly not the issue? I can imagine it's scary to have a chance with "the one that got away"...a real chance. There's more on the line then. With no marriage in the way, you'll both have to put it all on the line and it's scary. It's also scary to bring the past into the present.

 

But I'd just take it slowly as it comes. Meet up and see how you feel about it. See where his head and situation are and see how it feels to you. Stay in the now and try to treat him as I man you're getting to know. If years have passed, people change and I think it's easy to build on nostalgia...which can be dangerous. So I'd think of it as a new chapter and approach the date as a reacquainting yourself and seeing if who he is today, who you are, what you all want etc. are compatible in 2012.

 

I think you've hit my fears dead on. I do know I need to go slow and part of doing that is coming in here and having everyone battering it into me even whenI don't want to hear it.

 

As always your post is perfect. Thank you.

[Summer Breeze]

Good question too.

 

I'd be weary of being his rebound, and yes, a rebound can be someone you dated before. I would not want him to find himself divorced and single, and simply afraid of loneliness, so reaching for what he feels is "a sure thing" that was in love with him from before.

 

I'd take it with a grain of salt, like you would if an old ex rang you up and you hear that they recently left the person they were with.

 

It's possible. I think it's not likely but I won't discount anything. So much to think about.

[Summer Breeze]

Thanks guys. I'm going to head out and get some dinner now. Between here and work (yes I did try to work today) my brain is fried. I'm going to sit down with a glass of wine and go over this thread and make a list of questions and points to bring up with him.

 

I know most of you are saying to not speak to him. I understand but I also think that what he's done is pretty big and I want to acknowledge it. Also some of your questions need answers (for me as well as you ) and the only way to get them is to ask him.

 

I'm also going to send a message to his mother. We email but since the split up it's been pretty gentle stuff. I know if I ask her questions she'll answer me honestly.

 

I do agree a million percent not to meet him until the divorce is final and maybe a couple of weeks after that so he can have some time to process it.

 

I want to thank you all. I want you to know I appreciate that you took the time to respond to this. I also want you to know that I may do what I'll do but it doesn't mean I haven't considered every single thing said here.

 

I'll come back and check here cause I'm too nosy not to! I'll also post as soon as he's called and hopefully I'll remember everything that was said.

 

Thank you again.

[Summer Breeze]

You are welcome SB, you and I both have been around here for a while and it's normal to feel protective of those we've gotten to know over the years.

 

I had forgotten about the child who was ill or maybe born with problems?, that does shed a bit more light on it. I'm the mother of a daughter born with severe birth defects myself who I have sole responsibility for and do not get help from her father. Sadly her father, my x husband choose the easy way out and blindsided me with leaving when she was about 5. She is 21 now. I don't know it for sure, but I suspect he was in an affair, or he was wanting to be with the women he started dated about 2 months later. It did not work out with her long term.

 

Sorry........drifted off a bit there.

 

I'm so sorry to hear he did that to you. I can't imagine how hard it must have been. If he'd left and kept supporting you both it would have somehow worked out. He's a special kind of a@@hole. Your girl is lucky to have you.

 

You're right it's easy to become protective of people on here. You wish them well and kind of hold your breath after you say it.

 

Thank you

[Summer Breeze]

SB,

 

35 years? OMG, I missed that part!

 

 

Yes it's a long long time so all of the posts about the M and history are especially important.

[Birdgirl25]

Good luck to you! I think you're in a position that a lot of women like me, trying to navigate through this, would want to be in.

[Barrsitter]

SB,

 

Just take it one day at a time. See what happens. Whatever is meant to be, will be. Not trying to sound cliche, but I have found that indeed, whatever is meant to be, will be. Trust that with all your heart.

 

You let your xmm go and it seems he came back to you. Listen to your gut. It never steers you wrong.

 

Keep us posted.

[Summer Breeze]

I wanted to let you guys know what's gone on so far. Not too much! I was out with some friends for lunch and some shopping yesterday and he called. I took a breath and answered. He asked if I could talk and I said I was out and it wasn't really the time. He said it was fine and to send a SMS text when I was ready for him to call.

 

Now I'm going to sit down and have a good look at everything again and make sure my head is straight. If it is I'm going to give myself a day or two and make sure I'm ready for the cal and then I will. I always had control when we were together and I won't let it be any different now. I want to make sure the head stays in front of the heart.

 

I hope you've all had a great weekend.

[Summer Breeze]

Good luck to you! I think you're in a position that a lot of women like me, trying to navigate through this, would want to be in.

 

I never expected it birdgirl and it's frightening and shocking. Thank you very much BG.

[Summer Breeze]

SB,

 

Just take it one day at a time. See what happens. Whatever is meant to be, will be. Not trying to sound cliche, but I have found that indeed, whatever is meant to be, will be. Trust that with all your heart.

 

You let your xmm go and it seems he came back to you. Listen to your gut. It never steers you wrong.

 

Keep us posted.

 

It may be cliche Barrsitter but I agree with you. I do trust it with all my heart. I let him go 4 years ago and never expected him back now. We'll see what happens. My gut is my bff! Thank you very much.

[Summer Breeze]

I think this..

He's free.

You're free.

There may be some issues that need to be healed between the two of you, but if you still care, then there really isn't a lot of reason to NOT see if it's worth it between the two of you.

 

I hope that if nothing else you have a wonderful lunch date/dinner date/evening with him and the two of you are on the same page with what you want.

 

Thanks LFH. I agree with what you're saying. I do think I'm wise to make sure everything is final on the divorce but I'm also going to talk to him in the meantime and see what he has to say. It'll be interesting after the time that's passed if we will be on the same page. Or even in the same book.

[Summer Breeze]

I am so glad to see that you are not falling all over yourself to rush into his arms.

 

I am so glad you are going slowly.

 

I am confused why you would email his mother? What does she have to do with you and him? Why bring her into it? Have you emailed with her recently? I would, as a mom, not want to be hearing from the woman my son had an affair with while he was married to my daughter in law for 35 years. Leave her out of it, is my advice.

He introduced me to her and we got along very well. She knows our full history and she was responsible for 1 of our ddays because she didn't like what he was doing to his W. She'd told me about it so I was as aware as he was. She didn't want me hurt but she didn't want her dil treated that way either. Since I ended it she and I have kept in contact a few times a year. Checking on health, kids, general stuff. The 1 thing I'd like to know is if his child is ok. I suppose it won't matter a whole lot whether or not I know but I think I'm better off to not have any surprises, especially any that could get emotional.

 

I hope for you he isn't rebounding to you - that his wife didn't kick him to the curb and he is coming to you because he doesn't want to be alone. I hope for your sake that you don't rush to move him in with you.

He said he's been moved into an apartment since Christmas so he's had some time alone. I agree it may well not be enough but if he'd been so afraid of being alone he would have been trying harder to get in touch since then.

 

I wish you the best. I am so glad you were/are so different than other OW -- in that you demanded respect and got it (from what you post). You weren't willing to continue to be the hidden OW . Good for you!

 

Thank you hockeyfan. I'm sure I'll make some mistakes but I need to focus on not letting my heart get ahead of my head. I walked away before and I won't let myself get into a situation where I can't walk away now too.

 

Thank you

[beenburned]

SB,

 

As a long time married person, I would be appauled and hurt if my H had taken his OW to meet his Mother. Especially if she knew the full history of your affair with her son!

 

And if they are divorcing, this information, along with further contact after the affair ended, could cause permanent future damage between the MIL/DIL. Not to mention the grandchildren's relationship with their grandmother.

[mercy]

I wanted to let you guys know what's gone on so far. Not too much! I was out with some friends for lunch and some shopping yesterday and he called. I took a breath and answered. He asked if I could talk and I said I was out and it wasn't really the time. He said it was fine and to send a SMS text when I was ready for him to call.

 

Now I'm going to sit down and have a good look at everything again and make sure my head is straight. If it is I'm going to give myself a day or two and make sure I'm ready for the cal and then I will. I always had control when we were together and I won't let it be any different now. I want to make sure the head stays in front of the heart.

 

I hope you've all had a great weekend.

 

I did!

 

Update?

[Got it]

SB,

 

As a long time married person, I would be appauled and hurt if my H had taken his OW to meet his Mother. Especially if she knew the full history of your affair with her son!

 

And if they are divorcing, this information, along with further contact after the affair ended, could cause permanent future damage between the MIL/DIL. Not to mention the grandchildren's relationship with their grandmother.

 

You would be appalled about her meeting his mother? I guess it depends on everyone's relationships with each other. I met dMM's mother. She and I actually are quite close now and really hit it off. She and her exDIL were not close ever so that might be difference. Based on the issues in their relationship, actions from both sides, she/his family while not loving the situation didn't condemn us for it.

 

I think after one divorces, what their ex spouse preferred, desired, or even liked stops being a major factor. I still speak to my exMIL though she understands the importance of her new DIL and tries to show loyalty towards her. I don't have an issue with it and understand.

[seren]

Summer Breeze,

 

My advice would be, slowly, slowly and to view it as a new relationship, yes with some background history, but a new start. Date, court each other and get to know him as a single man. Guard your heart, at least until you feel safe to give it and even then keep a bit back for you.

 

I am glad he is now available and that you and he can have a new start. I wish you well and hope it turns out to be all you hoped it would be. New relationships are always exciting, have fun. x

[Summer Breeze]

SB,

 

As a long time married person, I would be appauled and hurt if my H had taken his OW to meet his Mother. Especially if she knew the full history of your affair with her son!

 

And if they are divorcing, this information, along with further contact after the affair ended, could cause permanent future damage between the MIL/DIL. Not to mention the grandchildren's relationship with their grandmother.

 

I'm actually just headed home from a short business trip so I'm going to call him tomorrow night when I'm back and rested.

 

BB I can understand what you're saying. Keep in mind that when MM brought up meeting his mother I told him I didn't think it was a good idea but it was his relationship with her and he needed to do what he thought was best. I told him I wanted her to know the whole situation and not to let either of us be caught off guard. He did, we met and she was part of one of our ddays. She told MM that she understood he wasn't happy but he was doing things the wrong way and even though she really liked me she wouldn't see her DIL be kept in the dark. She warned me it was going to happen and it did. I understood what she did and it was fine because I agreed with her. We stayed pretty tight and still have some contact but it's pretty light at this point. She needed to do what was right for her and I didn't have a problem with it at all.

[Summer Breeze]

Summer Breeze,

 

My advice would be, slowly, slowly and to view it as a new relationship, yes with some background history, but a new start. Date, court each other and get to know him as a single man. Guard your heart, at least until you feel safe to give it and even then keep a bit back for you.

 

I am glad he is now available and that you and he can have a new start. I wish you well and hope it turns out to be all you hoped it would be. New relationships are always exciting, have fun. x

 

This means a lot to me Seren. I've always respected your H for his confession of the A and the way you've reconciled. You're always gracious in here no matter who you're posting to and how off the wall they may come across.

 

You said something about it being all I hoped it would be. I knew it would never be anything so I didn't have a whole lot of expectations or hopes. This is something even my fantasies haven't played around with yet.

 

Thank you again

[Summer Breeze]

I did!

 

Update?

 

Glad you had a good weekend Mercy!

 

I'll update after we've spoken. I'm glad my schedule was busy this week because it's kept me from the temptation of calling him back too quick. I think it's helped me take the good advice everyone gave me about not jumping in too fast.