Looking for input

[Got it]

Summer Breeze,

 

My advice would be, slowly, slowly and to view it as a new relationship, yes with some background history, but a new start. Date, court each other and get to know him as a single man. Guard your heart, at least until you feel safe to give it and even then keep a bit back for you.

 

I am glad he is now available and that you and he can have a new start. I wish you well and hope it turns out to be all you hoped it would be. New relationships are always exciting, have fun. x

 

I agree with this. He is a different man from before. But he is the same man from before. (clear as mud right!?!). Start from the beginning, date, let him pursue you and see how things look. See if you like who he is, how he operates, his thought processing now.

 

What I focused on was how did dMM coping mechanisms change, if the did? How did he reconcile his past? His own actions? The actions of others? What does he plan to change for the future? How does he handle conflict? Now? How is he handling divorcehood? Do I like this man? Do I respect this man? Do I agree with his beliefs and thought processes? What red flags do I see from the past that would repeat themselves in the future? Has he villified his ex wife? Has he fallen into victim mentality? Why? Do I agree/like? How is he interacting with his kids? Does he show empathy towards them? Towards others? Is he humble? What evidence do I have for the above questions?

 

Having seen him in an affair, you saw sides of him that just dating wouldn't saw. This is a double edge sword but any information is a positive (in my eyes). I disagree with the idea that the affair shows you the positive/fantasy of a person. My experience, it can show the positive but it can show you the worst. You see this person in a situation that is causing a great deal of emotional upheaval, you may see conflict, minimizing, conflict avoiding. You see this person, in a raw form, with their best and worst attributes on display. You see the person in a very naked form. At least this was my experience.

 

As I tend to recommend, couples counseling can be very helpful for you in the near future if you guys start dating. I see alot of benefit in counseling at the beginning, rather than the middle/end of a relationship to help make the foundation as strong as possible, so that may be of value.

 

I looked at it that we had all the time in the world and there would be no regrets going slow. Take your time, enjoy the process, and keep checking in with yourself, asking the above questions and making sure that you can continue to say that this is a man worthy to be with you.

[Snowflower]

Hey summer,

 

I don't come here too often anymore. But you're one of my favorite posters here so I just wanted to say I admire your strength and self-control in all this!

 

I don't really have anything to add to the other excellent advice that posters are saying here.

 

Keep us posted on what happens or if you are in need of clarity. However, you are one smart woman who has been through a lot and I'm confident you will make the right choices for you while guarding your heart.

[Summer Breeze]

Hey summer,

 

I don't come here too often anymore. But you're one of my favorite posters here so I just wanted to say I admire your strength and self-control in all this!

 

I don't really have anything to add to the other excellent advice that posters are saying here.

 

Keep us posted on what happens or if you are in need of clarity. However, you are one smart woman who has been through a lot and I'm confident you will make the right choices for you while guarding your heart.

 

Awwwwwww SF I'm blushing! I don't think I've ever had anyone said I'm a favorite poster before.

 

Thank you loads and loads. You're right I have had great advice and hopefully I'm taking all the best of it and I'll do this right -- no matter what 'right' turns out to be.

 

Thank you doll!

[Summer Breeze]

Smart gal. Way too many folks in that situation delude themselves into thinking if they just maintain the status quo (letting the MM/MW have their cake and eat it too) long enough, the MP will leave the M. Why would they when they can have the best of both worlds?!

That's what always worries me about reading in here. So many people give themselves away and don't see how it can happen one little chip at a time. I never let myself get ahead of myself. I hope I can do the same now!

 

Again, smart gal! But there's only one way to find out.

 

Do I have to say it again?

If you insist!

 

 

She's one of my faves too!

Where's the big headed egotistical smiley face??????

 

SB, good luck with all this. I hope you get your happy ever after, regardless if it's with this man or someone else.

Thank you Donna. I just hope by the time I find Prince Charming he isn't too old and decrepit to get up on his horse!

 

Thanks Donna

[Summer Breeze]

Now this would concern me. How does love "run its course?" Do you anticipate a day when his love for you, or you for him, will "run its course?"

I'm so old I figure we'll be scattered on the countryside before it does!

Kidding there. They weren't words he used. I wrote it and didn't quite know how to say it. He said, and she confirmed in a conversation about 6 months after, that they had been to MC several times and it never did anything so he wasn't going to go back. He told me he still loved her but they had let it go too far go get it back again even when they tried. 'run its course' was probably the thing that came to mind first when I was writing the post.

 

Do I think love can run its course? Yes I do. I think that if you let it go unchecked it does run its course. There's a natural energy to love and it's when we let it go off course and don't correct it, yes it can run its course. It doesn't have to but I think life can jump smack dab in the middle of an R and it can be tough to get it back. Sometimes by the time you see it's happened it's too late. I think this is one of the reasons there is so much going back and forth after As have been found out. I think sometimes they can be a slap in the face making people realize they aren't ready to give up.

 

Don't worry Donna. I don't think she let herself go or was a bad wife. I think they both, and him more than her, gave up. That's just an opinion based on conversations with them both.

[mercy]

"She's one of my faves too!

Where's the big headed egotistical smiley face??????"

 

 

Awww, I'm humbled by the two of you! I feel the same way about the two of you and so many here!

 

*struttin' with my big head*

[Got it]

That's your view Got it, just like BB had her view. Doesn't mean her is wrong; but you seem to want to poo-poo it. YOUR situation is different than SB. She wasn't prepared to wait around and made that known. You chose to wait and while it has worked out for you, we all have seen the posts from people who after 8, 10, 15+ years, they are still waiting.

 

I would hope ANY mom would not want their child to be a cheater or a betrayed spouse. I can better understand what SB was talking about with regards to how the MM's mom was involved. I commend the mom for telling the DIL what was going on. No matter what the mom's feelings for SB were/are, she respected her DIL enough to not want her to be blindsided by the cheating. Good for her!

 

SB, in your response to my other post, you said you were curious about MM's child, how the child was faring (I am assuming with regards to the divorce). Why not ask MM? Until you decide what you and he are doing, my advice would be to not contact his mom. Let her contact you or wait until you know what is going on with him and you. I just don't think it is right/fair/respectful to involve her when you don't have to. She may still be close to her DIL and maybe grieving the divorce. I am thinking just be respectful to her (as you have been) and let some time pass. Any questions about the child should be directed to MM.

 

 

 

 

I really like what you said about love running its course and I agree with it. Like ANY relationship, without sunlight and water, it can become starved and wither.

 

And I especially like what you said about MM's wife. You don't have to cut her down or take jabs at her. That shows me how much you respect relationships...and shows you have a respectful personality. Too many times we see that an OW takes every jab possible at a wife - especially the crap about how the wife should have taken better care of her man Those people, IMHO, don't get that relationships are a two way street.

 

Best of luck and let us know how the call goes!

 

hockeyfan - where on earth did I say BB was wrong? Please enlighten me. Actually, in looking at it again, the only think I may have indicated was wrong was the spelling of the word "appalled".

 

And I waited? Really? Please enlighten me there as well.

[Summer Breeze]

We talked last night. I'll tell you about the basics first and the emotions after.

 

He left and moved in with his mother October last year. He filed for divorce 2 weeks after he moved out and when I looked at the date on the forms he emailed me it matched. They had agreed on almost everything before he left. A few things came up and they managed to take care of it with just 1 session with a mediator. It should be final either next month or October. He moved into a rental right after Christmas. They went to MC for 2 months to help them keep things from deteriorating while the D was going on. He started IC in June.

 

When I made the call I gave myself just 30 minutes. I figured if I didn't set a limit it would end up being an epic call and I wanted to control it. I told him when we started I had company coming over. I was clever and rang the doorbell myself. Hey it worked! It ended up being about 45 minutes but I thought that was pretty good.

 

I know this might be something you're all not happy with but we've agreed to have dinner. We decided on 3 weeks after the D is final. He told me he'd leave the calls to me but he was going to email once in a while too.

 

I think I did pretty well and almost knocked myself over patting myself on the back. I feel really good that he didn't push and that I didn't run right to him.

 

And now..............the emotions

 

I was a mess and had to dial his number a thousand times before I got it right. Ok maybe it was only twice. I heard his voice and the wave of emotions just about knocked me over. I took so many deep breaths he probably thought I was hot and bothered. Everything in me screamed to rush to him and start things now but weirdly I think we both had this instinct that it needs to go slow. I was happy we both seemed to feel the same way. A few times I caught myself settling into the comfort I always felt around him. I enjoyed it but didn't want to get to a point where I was jumping in too fast. When he hung up he told me he loved me. I started to cry and hung up.

 

I was so happy he didn't push. He told me he has every intention of us finding out exactly what we have but he was fine to wait till the time was right. He gave me his new home number and address. And his son is fine.

 

It was a good call and I feel like I kept reasonable control of my emotions.

 

Sorry I know that was all over the place. I'm in the office and it's been a matter piecing things together as and when I could.

 

Thanks all

[Summer Breeze]

That's your view Got it, just like BB had her view. Doesn't mean her is wrong; but you seem to want to poo-poo it. YOUR situation is different than SB. She wasn't prepared to wait around and made that known. You chose to wait and while it has worked out for you, we all have seen the posts from people who after 8, 10, 15+ years, they are still waiting.

 

I would hope ANY mom would not want their child to be a cheater or a betrayed spouse. I can better understand what SB was talking about with regards to how the MM's mom was involved. I commend the mom for telling the DIL what was going on. No matter what the mom's feelings for SB were/are, she respected her DIL enough to not want her to be blindsided by the cheating. Good for her!

 

SB, in your response to my other post, you said you were curious about MM's child, how the child was faring (I am assuming with regards to the divorce). Why not ask MM? Until you decide what you and he are doing, my advice would be to not contact his mom. Let her contact you or wait until you know what is going on with him and you. I just don't think it is right/fair/respectful to involve her when you don't have to. She may still be close to her DIL and maybe grieving the divorce. I am thinking just be respectful to her (as you have been) and let some time pass. Any questions about the child should be directed to MM.

 

His son has an illness and he's older than his life expectancy. I was worried something had happened to him and triggered the split. I was thinking about asking MMs mother so I could be a little prepared. I never did though.

 

 

 

I really like what you said about love running its course and I agree with it. Like ANY relationship, without sunlight and water, it can become starved and wither.

 

And I especially like what you said about MM's wife. You don't have to cut her down or take jabs at her. That shows me how much you respect relationships...and shows you have a respectful personality. Too many times we see that an OW takes every jab possible at a wife - especially the crap about how the wife should have taken better care of her man Those people, IMHO, don't get that relationships are a two way street.

 

Best of luck and let us know how the call goes!

 

Thanks hockeyfan

[Summer Breeze]

SB, wow, that was quite a phone call. A lot of information for you to digest.

 

It sounds as if he has been making positive inroads to being a single man. I'm impressed that he has his own place, and that he has been attending IC, all good moves to being healthy and whole and I'm so glad his son is OK.

 

I just want you to go as slow as you possibly can, (yes I know that will hard, lol) but keep good healthy boundaries and honor and protect yourself. Let him court you, have fun, and girl..........make him work for it, cause you are a prize.

 

There were times I felt like I was going down a checklist on a job interview! I wanted to make sure I touched on everything! He is doing well and seems to be doing the right things. I've been doing a lot of smiling today.......

 

Thanks so much and I will make sure and make him work for me!

[Silly_Girl]

Well done. Like your style.

[mercy]

Summer Breeze, I laughed so much at the breathing hard!

 

Remember when three weeks was a lifetime to wait? eh, at least with age comes wisdom and we can be thankful for that, right?

 

xx

[Summer Breeze]

Summer Breeze, I laughed so much at the breathing hard!

 

Remember when three weeks was a lifetime to wait? eh, at least with age comes wisdom and we can be thankful for that, right?

 

xx

 

 

We can absolutely be thankful Mercy! I'll be thankful if I don't kick off before the ink dries and we actually meet up.

[Summer Breeze]

I love that you rang the bell yourself! Good for you.

 

And it doesn't matter if anyone else is happy with it, just that you are, and that you are comfortable with where things are, even if nervous and a little confused.

Go knock yourself over patting yourself on the back some more.

 

You're right LFH. I am doing this at my own speed and I'm happy with it. I know myself and know how I could carried away with things. Being here has grounded me some.

 

General update -- I kept busy this weekend. I was out with friends and did some serious cleaning. I gave my D some grief about not having kids yet so I grandkids could be keeping me busy. I went over things a lot and thought about what I could have done differently but think I'm good. I think I've had good advice and overall I'm really happy with things so far. I don't think I've ever been so happy about time passing quickly.

 

Thanks y'all!

[mercy]

We can absolutely be thankful Mercy! I'll be thankful if I don't kick off before the ink dries and we actually meet up.

 

I promise to wheel you in a cart if that happens!

 

The date must go on!

[Summer Breeze]

I promise to wheel you in a cart if that happens!

 

The date must go on!

 

Now that's a deal!

[Summer Breeze]

This may have been said already. I don't have time to read all the responses so here's my two cents based on the OP but no subsequent updates if there are any...

 

Sounds promising. If you've waited this long, my suggestion is to wait until it's actually final. It gives him time to get it finished. It protects you from getting involved before it's a done deal. Just a little extra insurance for you. It also gives you time to really think about what you want. Give it some time to sink in and reflect on how YOU envision this going.

 

I imagine there'd be a feeling of "He's free! Now we can move on" but don't lose sight of the fact that it's still a new relationship (as it's not the old one you had) and you have needs you want to have met, qualities you want in a mate that need to be present, certain behaviors that must be displayed, etc. Meaning don't compromise the things you've since identified that you want in a partner since the ending of the A now that he's available and it's HIM.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks SIT. Your advice is pretty reflective of what others have said and what I'm pretty much doing. Aren't we just the wise bunch? Seriously, I really appreciate your post and you're right. I do need to make sure I don't lose sight of the fact this will not be an A in any way shape or form. I have to look at it differently and I am. I've actually met up with a friend who is a counsellor and she's told me she's happy to talk me through anything I might need help with.

 

Thanks so much again.

[Summer Breeze]

I'm going to probably stop updating here. It's going to be into September or October before the D is final. I'm not going to see him till 3 weeks after so I think I'll let this thread die a death and start a new one when the time comes.

 

Thank you all again for the kind words and support.