Husband's porn drives wife to seek new excitemnet in the bedroom . . . any ideas?

[Justasking]

I have looked all over this site at the posts that are related to a husbands use of porn and have now, finally decided to ask for advice. My Hubby and I have been married for almost 8 years, together for the majority of 11 years, since I was 18 and he was nearly 22. We have three kids and a very happy life together. Our sex life is phenomenal, totally and utterly awesome! We are experimental, fun-loving partners, and there is nothing that I wouldn't do if he asked it of me.

 

We have, in the past, had some problems with porn. They are really my issues, but he is a good guy and has always tried to hide it from me, at the very least, to save my tender feelings. Unfortunately, fate seems to like to throw it in my face because, frequently, I find it anyway, without even looking. And, much like the other women on this forum, it has made me feel as if I am less of a woman. To me, the idea of his using porn while I am not around as "a slap in the face". I have explained to him that I am always here! Always! There are, literally, only 4 days a month that I will turn him down, any other time, I am more than ready. Wink, wiggle an eyebrow, and I'd pull his A$$ off into the bathroom and take care of him. And so, I never understood his need for porn, but it has been eating me up.

 

This was last year, after christmas. At that time, attempting to "get over" my issues, I began playing porn movies from him while we were together. It really made me hot to see how turned on he became watching the kinky sex acts and we did it a few more times before "The Incident". One night, as the porno played and he had me bent over the couch, "it" went soft! And didn't come back!?!? I was confused and hurt and so i did not order any more and he never brought it up again.

 

Then, last week, I found more porn (Purely 18, girls barely of age, masturbating in piles of stuffed animals. . . and girls in pig-tails, with older looking men). Talk about confused, I am his "toy" for whatever pleasures he might desire. . . and I am only 25, size 3 or 4, large breasts, waist length brown hair, Not too shabby!!!

 

Our sex life is such that we might not take even one night off in two weeks, even if I only just take care of his needs, we "do it" every night! When, I had to wonder, does the man have time? And, where does he find the energy? His job, driving a tow truck, apparently affords him an infinite ammount of time to drive to remote locals and jerk off, he was doing it at work. . . when he could easily come home- as he would've had to drive past our house as he was leaving his job- and I'd happily help him out. Seriously, he doesn't even have to touch me, I LIKE to take care of HIS needs!

 

So, after a lot of talking, I am still no clearer on the issue. However, I just want to please him. I want him to be totally happy and as enthralled with me and my body as I am with him and his. That is all that I know for certain. He is the man that I love. If he needs porn, fine, I get that, I even bought him a months membership to a Porno downloading site; to be used, I told him, whenever he wished for whatever reason that he wished, without restrictions of any kind or any upset from me.

 

But, I don't undrstand why he does not wish to share it with me? I rather like watching him watch, and pleasing him while he watches. All of those kinky filthy things are the same filthy kinky things that I think about when I occasionally have the urge to masturbate. We are no different. In fact, i bet that my thoughts and fantasies would exceede his own in their sheer nastiness. And, he has aknowledged that he felt that was probably true!

 

During those hours of talking this last week, there was some discussion of fantasies. I told him that they are healthy and that everyone has them. I understand that his are not often about me, as mine are most often about him. But, I think that I can live with that. My problem is that he still SWEARS that he doesn't have any!!!!(It's all about the sex, he says, not fantasy).

 

After some badgering, he turned that question around, and asked me about my own fantasies. I answered him, with a face as red as a beet, I have many fantasies. Some involve more than just he and I and so, for us, that is out of the question. However many others abound in this fruitful, imaginitive head of mine. And so I told him about another: that I fantasize about being dressed up in a cute little skirt and pig tails, calling him "daddy", and . . . errrrr . . . ummmm . . . I'll let you all use your imagination for the rest!

 

He seemed interested, especially about me in the skirt! And so, I have decided to surprise him! I am going to dress up at a friends and come home as daddy's little girl. I guess, what I am asking you all, especially the guys out there:

 

Do you really think he might like something like that?

 

What can I do to make it even more exciting for him?

 

All Men have fantasies, Right? What are the more common (1 on 1 only) type for men?

 

 

Please Ya, all. . . help me please my husband. . . even more than I do already. . .

[HokeyReligions]

Yes, men fantasize. Just go for the costume---he will probably love it.

 

As for him losing his erection----it happens! It has nothing to do with you and may be a physical problem or stress or something. Don't sweat it. Don't take it personal.

 

If his porn use is bothering you and he is not willing to curtail his use of it, then look deeper into the relationship. Is sex the foundation of your relationship? Is it a top priority? A deal-breaker?

 

In my opinion, if I have a problem with my husband viewing porn and I ask him to stop because it upsets me (no further explanation or justification required) and he does not, then porn is not the problem. He is disrespecting my feelings and putting his porn at the top of his priority list over his love and concern for my feelings. I certainly have given up some important things for him.

 

BTW: I am pretty much anti-porn. I see no value in it. It is not necessary for life or even for sexual satisfaction. I don't want it in my house. It is degrading and disgusting and I have no respect for the people involved in it. Many will disagree with me and adamantly defend it. That doesn't make me wrong or in any way invalidate my feelings. I told my husband this and he gave up porn because he values me and my feelings more. It was not a difficult decision for him.

 

And yes, I have seen porn movies and photos. Behind The Green Door is absolutely a laugh riot! Didn't turn me on at all. Once I got over my initial revulsion, and accepted the degradation of it, I thought it hilarious. The Story Of O is another such funny flick. Always sitting down so your bare bottom touches the seat! LOL! What they don't show is the skin sticking to the vinyl when the person stands up and how red their bottom is from it!

[Redwinged]

Hokey religions~~~~~~

Thanks for your input. I'm awfully excited. I am planning on it for saturday, but I don't know if the butterflies will calm down enough for me to make it through the week. They might fly off with my tummy in tow!

 

 

I am on both sides of the issue with porn. I like it, in a way, but I would just rather he didn't use it without me there. . . Does that make any sense? I like it when we watch together, but not when he is caring for his needs on his own.

 

And thanks for the reassurance regarding the disappearing erection. It has had me upset for a very long while.

[Matilda]

You know, I really don't understand why women have a problem with their BF's/husbands masturbating and looking at porn. If these men are doing it so much that it inteferes with sexual relations, then I understand why that would be a problem. Or if they are doing it all the time.

 

And I really don't like porn itself, especially internet porn, just because I feel it is exploitive. The more professional type porn doesn't bother me as much, because I feel those people know what they are getting into, and what they are doing.

 

But, I still don't really understand why women feel threatened by it. You may as well feel threatened by your man walking down the street. Men are going to see other women and feel turned on, period. As a woman, you just have to know that you are special to your man, and that you are the one he cares about.

 

I do understand though, if women object to porn for moral reasons, or whatever, and don't want it in their house. I think men should respect that. I think this is an issue that should be discussed before marriage, and some sort of agreement made about it.

 

As far as masturbation goes, again I really don't understand why women feel they must be the sole source of sexual gratification for their man. Are you jealous of his hand? Are you jealous that he has sexual thoughts when you're not around? I just don't get it. Occasional masturbation just seems like something that men, and women, do. I really feel like this a self-esteem/confidence problem on the part of the woman.

 

Again, if either of these things are very frequent, and disrupting the relationship, then I get it. But, if it's occasional, I don't understand.

[Redwinged]

Matilda~~~~

 

My personal issue is that I am always available in WHATEVER capacity he would enjoy me. I don't mind him looking at porn, I mind the masturbation because I want to get laid!!! A lot!!!! By him, and if he has masturbated my "reward" at the end of the evening is not what i might wish it to be. I rather like the idea of him masturbating. . . I wish he would do it for me. As my above post stated, I like that he watches, i just want to watch him watching! lol

 

But, porn wasn't really the issue in my post. The issue is that I woulsd like to spice up my husband's sexual interest in our bedroom. Do you have any ideas??

[Butterfly_Queen]

As Hokey stated his loss of his erection could be coming from a medical condition or stress etc, but , if it continues maybe you should look up the effects porn has on people and what frequent viewing of it can do to the mind and body. Please understand I'm not saying if people want to view it together that its a problem, because its whatever a couple wants to do.

 

However, sometimes one of the effects of alot of viewing can do is that it changes the chemicals in the brain just like a drug, and after time the human flesh is no longer what they need to get them "off". The viewing of images or videos is what has been instilled in the mind and thats what they end up depending on for their arousal more that a human body. I'm not saying thats the case here, but if it continues maybe look into the effects of the porn.

 

Another thing to, if he is hding it, then thats another issue. He shouldn't feel the need to hide anything from you. Yes it could be that he is trying to save your feelings, but if he already knows you know, then why continue to hide it.? Best of luck.

[sumdude]

Play hard to get. Just don't do it to an extreme where there might be fights. Still, people are often turned on by what they can't have. That which is tantalizing. If it's too easy it might lose some of what makes it special.

[deesgirl]

I'm a little confused. You don't mind porn, but he can only look at it with you? You say you please yourself. Do you only please yourself when he's in the room and tell him exactly what you're thinking of? If you don't mind porn, I really don't understand why he has to only look at it with you.

 

The calling him daddy thing is pretty strange to me, but that's just my opinion. I don't think fantasies should have anything to do with children. Any man that gets turned on by women pretending to be underage (stuffed animals and pig tails) would worry me.