Is she cheating again? should i confront her?

[stillsearchin]

Hello all, I've read these forums in the past and have always found it helpful... However I am now faced with a major issue and I need some feedback and advice.

 

I've been dating my GF for about 4 years (on & off)... We met at a very unstable time of our lives as we were both fresh out of long-term relationships. We each had 1 child from our previous partner, which only complicated things.

 

We started dating way too soon, as neither of us had given enough time to get over our ex's....so essentially, we became each others rebounds, except our rebound turned into a long-term relationship...Our 1rst year had many ups and downs and we both made mistakes, however we really fell hard for each other and found ourselves inseperable and moving in together after a year.

 

Our relationship was going great and another year quickly flew by. Suddenly, one day out of nowhere and without any warning or reason, i started noticing changes in her behaviour and her routine...she started becoming distant with me, spending less time together, starting stupid fights / arguments , started accusing me of cheating, having to leave the room to take a phone call or lie about who she was talking to, working longer hours....etc...all of this was very bizarre and seemed very suspicious!!....I didnt know what to think at first, especially because i wasn't a jealous person and i felt that we had such a solid relationship. But, I started paying more attention, and within a couple of weeks I discovered a very horrible truth!!....She had been cheating on me with her ex!! for the last few weeks!!

 

I was soo devastated and hurt. I never wanted us to end and I did sincerely attempt to get through it, but after a few weeks I realized that I was too hurt to get passed this. Despite all of her attempts to say sorry or promise me that it would never happen again and beg me not to leave her, I eventually decided to end the relationship. It was such a hard thing to go through, but I just didn't know how to move forward knowing that our trust had been destroyed... plus i was in a very bad state of mind of wanting to hurt her back...maybe by sleeping with one of my ex's or her best friend.

 

We officially broke up, but remained friends... within the first couple months she was relentlessly trying to get me back and promised me the world...but i insisted that if she felt this confusion of wanting to reconcile with her ex, especially for the sake of their son, that she needs time alone and away from me to figure out what she wants.... cuz i no longer wanted to be dragged through it and be continuously cheated on or deceived. It was very tough, but it had to be done....I sometimes wish that I could have the chance to reconcile with my ex for the sake of my daughter, but we are just 2 very different people and it would never work.

 

To make a long story short, within 6 months of breaking up, we were basically on the verge of getting back together again...things didnt workout with her ex, and she kept trying to get me back... i made the mistakes of giving into her and letting her back in, seeing her more often and going to her for sex... maybe i was being weak, or maybe i was hanging on to some thread of hope that we could reclaim the love we once shared....

 

Nevertheless, we got back together and she made a very strong promise to me that this would never happen again and that she would do everything in her power to regain my trust!!!

 

I have to honestly say that from all of my experiences in relationships,(and ive had many, im 36 now)....what was to follow was the most challenging and difficult time of my life... and i dont wish it upon anyone to have to go through!! Dealing with mistrust and betrayal in a relationship has been the hardest thing ive ever gone thru. I went from being the most confident, secure and independant guy to somewhat of the complete opposite.... its a very sad place to be, always wondering if she`s telling the truth, if she will do it again, where she was, where shes going....the list goes on and on..

 

99% of people will tell u that once the trust is gone, the relationship is gone too.... Sadly enough, I had to learn this the hard way... I hate the person that ive become and i am so unhappy.... im not proud of this, but i even went as far as hacking her emails facebook and cell so i could keep tabs on her and make sure she was telling me the truth.... its soo pathetic!!

 

Anyhow, we`ve been back together for another 18months now, and back to living together for the last 8months.... she did earn my trust back and she did prove to me that she was legit.... and i know, cuz i watched her like a hawk, (its not healthy, i know)... things were getting better, and i was starting to get over the mistrust... we were talking marriage, having a child together and saving up for a house together... all very good things

 

Just last weekend i started noticing some weird changes in my gfs behaviour....i thought nothing of it, most likely she is feeling a bit apprehensive about my upcoming work schedule....I work in construction and i just got a huge contract that takes me 4 hours away from home. I knew that it would put some strain and stress on my relationship, but the money is too good to pass up. Its gonna be for 6 months, but I will come home on weekends....im set to leave on monday.....

 

Anyhow, for some crazy reason, i dont know why, most likely reassurance, i decided to hack into her emails again(yesterday)...its been a long time since ive checked....BUT this time i found something....something very shocking and disturbing!!!

 

There was an email that she forwarded to herself from her work email address...her work is on a private network and cannot be accessed publicly...anyways this email is a copy of her email&chat history with a new guy that she has just recently started talking to....She has started a new job, 3 months ago, and her manager(female) is trying to hook up my GF with this guy she knows, so she gave him her picture and her email to contact her....they have been talking on email non-stop since last friday...they both seem very interested in each other and have made plans to meet up this weekend for the first time....their chatting was non-stop on friday, tues and wed, and ends with the exchange of their phone numbers...

 

This whole situation is soo shocking, and I really thought that this would never happen again... whats even more upsetting, is that she is potraying herself as being single, towards her co-workers....otherwise this would never happen in the first place...

 

I just dont know what to do now... is this really happening?...technically im not even supposed to know about this email in the first place, so how can i confront her? Should i confront her at all? should i say nothing and walk away? Should i wait? I just cannot believe this is happening to me.... and also at the worst timing possible, as im supposed to be leaving on monday, then again maybe its a blessing in disguise...

 

It was one thing that she cheated on me with her ex, and it was hard enough to get passed....but to now be attempting to get involved with a completely new guy!!! Especially after everything we have gone through!!!???

 

Thank you for reading this and i appreciate any advice or suggestions

[MCMLXXXIX]

She is obviously not worth your time and dedication. She may not have cheated, but it seems like she would if she could. The honest thing to do would have been for her to tell her manager not to try and hook her up because she was already in a relationship. The fact that she did not do that shows that she does not care about you. Either that, or there is something about relationships she does not seem to understand. It might be best to confront her on the matter and end the relationship...

[Chi townD]

If you can handle it. Do you know where they intend to meet up? I would bust them out! Walk up to her and say, " I'm done. Have a nice life."

 

But that's just me. Make their date extremely uncomfortable. Hell, the dude probably doesn't even know you exist.

[stillsearchin]

Yes i would love to bust her in the act of meeting up with this guy! I have no idea where or when. We will soon find out i guess... Im just waiting for her to tell me that she has to stay late at work tonite or maybe has to see some friend on short notice!!

 

I already know that this relationship must come to an end... Its probably better sooner than later!!

[oldshirt]

 

I already know that this relationship must come to an end... Its probably better sooner than later!!

 

Wow, that really sucks Dude, I hate to hear all of this but yeah, it's over. This is pretty over the top actually.

 

My advice for the moment is keep your head, keep your cool and don't act on impulse (and trust me, my impulse would be ....well, let's just say it wouldn't be pretty)

 

But you have more important, real-life things to worry about. do you have any shared financial assets? Do you have any child custody or child-care issues that you need to be concerned with? Do you have any shared bills or debts that are in both of your names? Have you been living together long enough that she can sue you for any kind of child-support or alimony or anything like that?

 

You need to get your legal and financial affairs in order and get your wagons circled before confronting her or making any kind of scene.

 

Do NOT let on that you have access to her emails, txts etc. Get everything saved and copied in case you need documentation in court. Even family members etc may try to come down on you and try to hold you accountable and not believe that she is actually responsible for any of this.

 

This really sucks and I feel for you but at this point protecting yourself and protecting your assets is the most important thing.

[oldshirt]

Oh one more thing. I know it will be extremely tempting to try to head this affair off at the pass and stop it before it actually happens.

 

Maybe it can be headed off at this stage of the game but this is pretty over the top and pretty intentional and deliberate forethought on her part.

 

Even if you do stop this particular penis from going in her she sounds pretty determined to get some more so the next time she will just cover her tracks better and close up the electronic leaks and be more secretive.

 

IMHO this is a fundamental character trait on her part and not just a case of an office crush getting a little too carried away.

 

Since she is potraying herself as a single person and fostering her coworkers to set her up and moving forward with some guy she is being set up with shows that isn't just some normal decent person that got carried away too far with some office flirting. This shows that she is an actual cheater as part of her being.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you but it's better to find out now than after you are married and have a mortgage and children together etc

[kaylan]

Why do people ever give someone an opportunity to do this again? If she disrespects you and your relationship so much by cheating, she never deserves a chance to be with you again.

 

Pull the cord.

[salparadise]

I just dont know what to do now... is this really happening?...technically im not even supposed to know about this email in the first place, so how can i confront her? Should i confront her at all? should i say nothing and walk away? Should i wait? I just cannot believe this is happening to me.... and also at the worst timing possible, as im supposed to be leaving on monday, then again maybe its a blessing in disguise...

 

Yea, it's a blessing I'd say. As hurtful as it is, and as much as you don't want to believe she'd do this... you gotta accept what is and realize that she's a skank and it's over. The faster and more decisively you end it the better. At least it gives you the chance to kick her a$$ to the curb. I wouldn't bother explaining or justifying it to her.

[wingman67]

Frankly, ex's behave the same way regardless of whether they are an ex-spouse or ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. If things didn't work the first time and you give that person a chance to do it again, they WILL because they are still the same person they were before. The same proclivities, the same baggage, the same motivations, the same morals (or lack thereof). In my experience, a cheater does what they do best: they CHEAT. In this young lady's heart of hearts she *might* have intended to walk the straight-and-narrow but evidently that isn't who she is. Perhaps her baggage is damage from unresolved "stuff" from the relationship that she rebounded with you from?? Souls that are mates don't behave this way. If she behaves this way now, don't think for a moment that she wouldn't do it once you two are married. The problem then is you'll have a more difficult time undoing things because instead of just being able to walk away, you'll have the added burden of having to undo a legal marriage and child support issues if the two of you have children together. An unhealthy and unstable relationship is no place for marriage, let alone children as issue of said marriage.