When to go back after separation

[LA_SF_2012]

I am in need of some advice to get me through the day.

 

I am 25, my husband is 30. After dating long distance for an extremely short period (5 month) we eloped in city hall and I moved from LA to SF to live with him. I left behind my family who I am very close to and a meaningless job.

 

At first, everything in our life was fine, but the marriage went down hill very fast. We were both very insecure in the relationship which caused a lot if tension. We both have a lot of anxiety- which made the expression of our insecurities impossible. My husband is a recovering addict who wants to talk about every emotion he has (his emotional openness, sensitivity, and passion is one of the things I love about him) where as I am unable to express my emotions at all. We worked together, lived together, and became so co-dependent neither of us did anything if the other wouldnt. This lead to a lot of resentment. On top of it, my husband has a bad temper and our fights were getting worse and worse. I could tell he was hating me more everyday, and that we were not working. I felt worthless and unloved. I finally reached out to my parents for advice. They flew up to SF and got me and took me home. It was obvious we needed a trial separation to get us in a place where we could begin working on things.

 

My husband and I both love each other and are both committed to making our marriage work. 2 weeks have gone by. He has signed up and started anger management, therapy and a support group. He additionally has found a couples therapy seminar on communicating that starts August 26th (6 weeks, 1 hour every day). I have started therapy and totally by coincidence was given a temporary job at a law firm that I love and think I might have a future out. I feel like I actually have some self worth again.

 

Both my husband and I have begun to make changes and are communicating better together.

 

This is the problem: My husband wants me to come home by August 25th. He thinks we need to start therapy and working on our marriage together again now. He feels like it is unfair for me to make him wait indefinietly, especially when he is older and wants to start our family and life now. He wants me to move up and take time to look for a job that I enjoy and start practices that make me feel good about myself and independant in the new city.

 

I love him and want to go back, but am scared that it is too soon and things will fall back into the same pattern as before. I do not want to go back to being scared and with no self worth. I also feel like if I leave to move back to LA I will not have anything to come back to- the job will not still be available, my family will be hurt.

 

I do not know what to do. I feel like I either lose my husband or I lose everything in LA. I know that the feeling of not having options in SF is because of my low self esteem. And eventually I will find a job, it will just be harder. I am just scared to risk everything again. I put everything on the line when I went up there the first time and got lucky with where I landed. I dont think I will be so lucky again if it doesnt work out a second time.

 

Any advice?

Thanks

[missylynn]

I think you know the answer already. Youre starting to be happy again. You can go back and it may be great and if thats what you want I hope it does work out BUT if it doesn't? Do you really want to take that chance. Thats what you need to ask yourself. Best of luck to you.

[GuyInLimbo]

Call me a skeptic, but you and he are fooling yourselves. You both clearly have a LOT of emotional issues (could it simply be emotional immaturity?) and you don't even really know each other. Sounds like you fell in lust more than anything and/or have so much baggage that you both latched on to the first person you could who gave you some sort of validation.

 

Forgive me, but when a marriage starts off THIS badly, there's no hope for a happy future. You're young. Stay in LA. Stay in therapy and get yourself straight first before entering into any more relationships. And FORGET ABOUT THIS GUY. He's a train wreck you can spot a mile away. And how ca you say you got lucky where you landed when you went to SF? If you got lucky, you wouldn't be in this situation. You stepped into a sh*tstorm.