Friend asked me out, then pretends it didnt happen, then says it was a joke, then....

[carinarg]

Hello everybody. I am really not feeling very well and I have been browsing the forums for a couple of hours now. Even though I think there's nothing more to be done, and that he said the last word, I think that venting and puting this in writing will help me get over this.

 

I have a guy friend from college. He is 17 years younger than me. He always had strange attitudes towards me, blows me kisses, winks his eye, said things to me, etc but I didnt think much of it, plus he told me once he liked another girl.

A couple of months ago he asked me out. I accepted. When we were trying to set up the date, we got interrupted. I thought we would set the date later but we never talked about it again.

 

Now, I kind of liked him, but he was so young, I would have never tried anything. At first I thought that if he wanted a relationship with me, I'd refuse because of the age gap, but later on I thought that I didn't care about it, that I love him, (although I dont think I am in love with him) and that I didn't care what anybody would think about us dating. So I wrote him an email asking him why he asked me out and why we never talked about it again. I assumed the invitation was serious considering he was my friend and I am older.

He replied saying it had all been a joke. I was devastated. We exchanged some emails where I told him I would never have thought that it was a joke, that he had shattered my self steem and that I really couldnt' believe it. He asked me for forgiveness. Than a few days later he told me he had lied in the email and that things hadn't been like that.

 

We met and he told me he was puzzled when he got my email. He had told me it was joke because he thought that's what I wanted to hear. That he hadn't thought about asking me out, that it was spontaneous and in the moment, and that he later regreted it because he wanted to stay friends. He said that I had many "woman attributes" that he liked but that he liked my "friend attributes" better. That it's either black or white: he wants to stay friends. I asked him: you never thought about what I felt? he said no.

I told him the truth, I wanted to know if the offer still stood, that's why I had sent the email. He told me he had figured that out, but he wanted to remain friends like it was. I told him we can't, you screwed it up. He said he knows. That talk was so horrible, the situation so tense, I couldn't believe that person was my friend who cared for me so much, he didn't ask me once how I felt, he didn't ask for forgiveness, he seemed so cold.

 

Then I sent him a message telling him that Ï thought the opposite, I'd rather try and fail than not try and never know, I will regret no trying much more. I don't care about the age difference, the only thing I care is about what I feel for you". He tells me he doesn't know what to do or think. I told him that I felt things for him that were not very friend-like. That I had made a very serious choice. He said it was complicated. I told him "if you don't like me enought go out with me, fine. But I just don't want to think that we can't be together because of fear" He said it was complicated and then I told him "I know it is complicated, but just think about what you feel, because the frienship as it was, is gone"

I sent him that message because I really thought He had feelings for me, that he liked me more than a friend and that he wasn't telling me the whole truth when we met. I also think he might have told his mother about his

 

One more thing I wanted to add, I never had a boyfriend. I am old, I know, but due to several things that happened to me, I never had a relantionship in my life or sex. I was never asked out before, that was my first time. I am very immature for my age, I look like 10 years younger, and I know there is something wrong with me psicologycally. Maybe I wanted to be with somebody so badly that I put all my hopes and dreams on this guy, who was inexperienced like me.

I really don't know if I should try to rebuild a new friendship with him and the group of friends we have, or just end this friendship.

[MCMLXXXIX]

I don't know how old you are or how young this guy is, but this situation clearly illustrate a high level of immaturity from the part of the guy. I did myself suggest dates to different girls when I was younger (say 17, 18, 19) and often not actually call them or anything. I didn't know what I wanted and I didn't know I was potentially hurting them. I eventually came to realize that words matter.

 

The dynamics have changed and I doubt you can rebuild a friendship with this guy. In my opinion he was always somewhat fond of you physically and it tainted the whole friendship. He wasn't man enough to go all the way. You probably came out as "needy" in the end, but it seems to me you were patient enough.

 

I hope you find yourself a suitable partner in the near future. How is it with guys your age?

[sweetheart5381]

Ya I hate to say it, but I think you may have come off as needy with the emails and talk of feelings. IMO, guys like to keep it cool and flirty til they know there is something more than the typical flirting, chatting, etc. It's tough when you are friends but both would like more on other levels. I typically spend a lot of time being "friends" before I take that step towards dating. I'm gonna guess he was feeling you out to see if you were receptive to the idea of dating a younger man.

 

Case in point, I am seeing a man 10 yrs my senior (I am 37, he is 47) and he was very careful about his approach. He played it cool and waited til I was ready to initiate.

 

My advice is to keep it light, keep it fun. Don't read too much into his words or actions. Do your best to let it flow naturally. Do not over-think it!

[carinarg]

I don't know how old you are or how young this guy is, but this situation clearly illustrate a high level of immaturity from the part of the guy.

I know, that's my problem too. I gave him too much credit, since he is always telling me that he loves me so much, that I'm one of the most important people in his life and he always talks with much pride about his values, I thought he would be honest and sincere with me, and that he would speak the truth. Iwas blinded about his age:(

 

 

How is it with guys your age?

I barely know a few guys my age. All of them are either married or in steady relationships.

 

Ya I hate to say it, but I think you may have come off as needy with the emails and talk of feelings.

My advice is to keep it light, keep it fun. Don't read too much into his words or actions. Do your best to let it flow naturally. Do not over-think it! Thanks, another friend told me the same thing.To keep it light or that would scare him away.I know that I put so much into this because I am so lonely and I really wanted to be with somebody and live things.To be normal. But on the other hand, how can I rebuild the friendship and not let him know what I felt?I can't not let him know that he hurt me. Otherwise it would look like it's ok for him to do whatever he wants with me.

 

And I am going to cut with all the gestures of affection. All the winking, blowing kisses, the jokes, the touching the hair, the sniffing my scarf, and all that, is gone. It's been going on for too long, almost a year now.

[sweetheart5381]

I don't know how old you are or how young this guy is, but this situation clearly illustrate a high level of immaturity from the part of the guy.

I know, that's my problem too. I gave him too much credit, since he is always telling me that he loves me so much, that I'm one of the most important people in his life and he always talks with much pride about his values, I thought he would be honest and sincere with me, and that he would speak the truth. Iwas blinded about his age:(

 

 

How is it with guys your age?

I barely know a few guys my age. All of them are either married or in steady relationships.

 

Ya I hate to say it, but I think you may have come off as needy with the emails and talk of feelings.

My advice is to keep it light, keep it fun. Don't read too much into his words or actions. Do your best to let it flow naturally. Do not over-think it! Thanks, another friend told me the same thing.To keep it light or that would scare him away.I know that I put so much into this because I am so lonely and I really wanted to be with somebody and live things.To be normal. But on the other hand, how can I rebuild the friendship and not let him know what I felt?I can't not let him know that he hurt me. Otherwise it would look like it's ok for him to do whatever he wants with me.

 

And I am going to cut with all the gestures of affection. All the winking, blowing kisses, the jokes, the touching the hair, the sniffing my scarf, and all that, is gone. It's been going on for too long, almost a year now.

 

Just play it cool. Relax. Know that there are many, many others out there that can and will enjoy your company. Yes he hurt you and sometimes that can't be overcome. Take the time to think about it and then decide the best course of action.

 

When feelings are strong sometimes its best to lay low... take it easy. The heart has a tendency to overpower the mind. Take back the control over emotions.

[carinarg]

Just play it cool. Relax. Know that there are many, many others out there that can and will enjoy your company. Yes he hurt you and sometimes that can't be overcome. Take the time to think about it and then decide the best course of action.

 

When feelings are strong sometimes its best to lay low... take it easy. The heart has a tendency to overpower the mind. Take back the control over emotions.

 

ok I sent him a message telling him that everything was ok and that we should start over again, clean slate. he said he was fine with that. and then I started talking about other things, like we used to do.

 

I thought everything would be ok, since this is what he wanted, to just be friends like we used to. But he doesnt talk to me anymore. I only saw him once in a group meeting and he never spoke to me directly. In fact, he was all over this other girl, he hugged her, kissed her and smelled her hair.

I talked to him a couple of times on chat in the last two weeks, he responds, but the conversations are not fluid. If I didnt talk to him on chat, I wouldnt have had any contact with him for the last 3 weeks.

 

This is really killing me, I can't stop crying. I really don't even think about liking him anymore, I just want the friendship back. I miss him. and I don't know what to do.

People tell me to ignore him, but I just can't. I really don't know what's going on.....