Should a former OW ever tell that to a SM she dates?

[jolene2012]

Reflecting on past relationships and what went wrong and how I ended up where I am right now.

 

So when I started dating after my first divorce at 26 with 2 children and not being able to have more children, I already had things stacked against me in finding another man. Dating as a divorced adult was different than dating in HS and it seems men always asked about what happened with previous relationships and told me why they were single and I felt like I needed to be honest, so I told them about my A. Mostly pretty early on in the conversations. I think that scared some guys off. I dated one guy for a couple of years, but that was always a major issue for him and I finally broke it off. I dated another guy for 4 months and he never came out and said that was an issue for him, but I think it was. He broke up with me because he was worried I was too much like his ex and he named a bunch of other similarities (looks, mannerisims and same name), but her cheating was what broke up their marriage, so I think that was probably an issue for him too. One guy started yelling at me and going off on how is mom cheated on his dad after i told him and I was kind of scared being alone in his house at the time.

 

I was advised by a couple of people not to tell people about the A anymore, so when I started dating my last husband, I never told him. I vaguely referred to the relationship in my timeline but didn't mention he was married and the one time they met I introduced him as a friend I had met at a previous job. And my husband never really told me much about his other past relationships either. We didn't have the previous relationships talk until after we'd been together a little while and had started having sex and doing family things together with both of our kids. I then found out his ex wife had cheated on him constantly then left him for someone else and it was a huge issue for him, and I felt like I was already committed to the relationship and was worried that telling him would become something he would be constantly worried about and that it would ruin our relationship, so I never told him. But by not telling him about my past, I felt like he never really knew what made me who I am.

 

I hope I don't ever have to date again, but I'm wondering which is worse. Telling a man that I had an affair with someone I love desparately but he didn't leave his wife for me so I have no choice but to move on or not telling them anything. My MM is the only man I've ever been unfaithful with and it was only when I was absoluely sure I was done with a relationship and wanted to leave but had not left yet because was having trouble with the finances and logistics part. Not that I was trying to use him for help, just that I wanted to be with him and if he could help me I could be with him much sooner. I would never again let myself get close enough with a married man to fall in love because I couldn't take having to live like this again. I can't help that he's the love of my life and I need to follow this through until it's resolved one way or another, but I would never put myself in this situation again. And I've never felt the desire to cheat on anyone I was unhappy with and wanted to leave with anyone but my MM. I've felt attraction towards other men, but as soon as I felt it I distanced myself as quickly as possible because I don't have any desire to be in that kind of a relationship. But I don't know if any guy would believe that if I said it even though it's true.

[MourningLosses]

For sure you will be judged. I wouldn't ever tell anyone. It just has to be inside you forever. No one will understand that love is bigger than so called morality, it can't be that the only relevant thing if ones marital status.

[jolene2012]

I agree with you that a person should have a choice. That's why I felt the need to be honest. But on the other hand, I don't think I should have been sharing the details with that many men. Not that I had that many real relationships. I did a lot of internet dating where you e-mail and talk on the phone and spend an exhaustive amount of time telling your life stories, then meet for coffee by which time usually either I was totally turned off by them, they had no interest in me or I was intersted in them but they didn't reciprocate.

 

I think it's probably something that should be said, but maybe too early and it was TMI? But with H, I waited until it was too late and it was the elephant in the room. When I still really wanted to be with him, I wanted to tell him, but at first I was afraid how he would react and if it would always be something he worried about with me, but it also felt like by not telling I was lying.

 

All I want is a committed relationship. If I try my best and fail with MM. I'm determined to have it with someone else or die trying.

[sad puppy]

I suspect most couples have some secrets that the other knows nothing about, whether it be something they're ashamed of, something that is embarrassing, a mistake, ... I'm not of the mind that a future love prospect is entitled to nor needs to know every single breath someone has taken, in their previous life. If the lesson is learned, leave the past in the past and move on.

 

This is also a way to leave the drama and pain behind, as well. Leave it. And march onward.

 

Anyone that thinks they know everything about someone is just fooling themselves anyway. They may think they do, but they don't.

[Happyface]

Don't know. At 65 I guess anbody I met would have a very long lifetime of mistakes and "baggage" also.

I don't think I would volunteer the information. If it were to come up in the future, then I would be honest about it.

 

Happyface.

[Silly_Girl]

The affair I participated in was a significant relationship for me, and also helped to trigger a real turning point for me. So there was no way I was going to keep it a secret from someone who may, in time, be someone important. And I felt I needed to share the info early on in case it was a deal breaker for HIM.

 

My boyfriend is very anti-cheating. He saw his mum badly hurt over a long period by his dad's cheating and as a result he's zero tolerance on that stuff, so I'm pleased I told him early on. He had some questions about what happened, but he wasn't put off. The fact my exMM and I 'went straight' so to speak, and it wasn't the 'typical' A sort of softens the situation somewhat - rightly or wrongly.

 

Plus I took time out to deal with all sorts of things so I'm in a different place now. I do NOT regret the affair, and I was honest with my boyfriend on that score, but I would never do it again. Never.