Mentality of MM that inviting OW to his house party

[Mount]

I just spent heck of time reading through all 13 pages MounrningLoss' story and replies....guess no further opinion upon as all replied had said so. Also the post is closed (?) and I can't reply anyway.

 

One question, kind of outside the scope of that original post, what mentality of the MM that invites his OW to his house party?

 

The reason I asked is because you guys mentioned that kind MM might be psycho? I was invited to the MM's house party when we just started the A about one month-ish, which means at that time the A was very intense and strong. I expressed my unwilliness going to the MM's house party as for sure my un-comfortableness when facing his wife, but the MM was insisting me going and was very very happy about my attendance after his house party finished. I was just never able to understand, isn't he feeling un-natural that his OW meeting with wife?

Edited August 11, 2012 by Mount

[SoMovinOn]

Depends on the relationship to begin with. I hang out with my GF's H all the time.

[Birdgirl25]

I spend a lot of time with my MM and his W. Because our relationship started as friends, he invites me to family functions all the time. For example, he insisted that I join them for the t-ball game and party they were hosting for their son. It's all very twisted.

[Happyface]

YOu sound so very proud of the fact.. and yes it is black and twisted.

 

I wonder what kind of ego boost he or you receive from it all.

 

Happyface

[MourningLosses]

I wouldn't want to meet his wife. I would worry about what to say to her and whether my emotions for her husband showed. Basically she was irrelevant during our relationship. We talked about how we would parent his and my kids together but she (and my husband) never figured. We just kind of assumed they would do their share. Our talks were very much about how we would be together and from his side how she would not cope. I never worried that my husband would cope, I do most of the child rearing anyway. He could live on his own just fine.

[Happyface]

Some people get their rocks off a little harder when they know they are getting away with something right under someone's nose.

 

I would call that evil.

 

How would you feel, knowing you had extended you friendship and opened your home to a woman who was seeing your husband behind your back???

 

Happyface

[woinlove]

Mount, I think your feelings of not wanting to go are how many would react. But, there does seem to be a subset of people involved in affairs who like to watch their deception up close and in action. And there are those who are friends (or what they consider to be friends) before and continue to act as if they are still friends.

 

Some people are capable of incredible deception and cruelty. I never know what to advise when one posts here, as they don't seem capable of empathy or compassion in the way most people are, and probably words aren't going to change that. Very sad, and often very disturbing, to witness.

[Silly_Girl]

I find it very distasteful when the OW knows/befriends the BS. That's gut instinct for me. But then I think.... I would HATE to have known his wife in my situation, because I'd have felt even more guilt and there was already quite a lot. Then I wonder whether it makes any difference if you know the BS or not. If you've made a choice you're satisfied with then it's each to their own. Where there's an OW there's a wife being cheated on, so there's no moral high ground to be had on one or the other.

 

The exception for this, in my view, is where the wife is your best friend or sister or someone to whom you'd owe trust prior. That is the worst, to me. I have slight experience of this.

[OpenBook]

what mentality of the MM that invites his OW to his house party?

 

I've always held the belief that the very act of an MM's cheating is a manifestation of extreme anger (even hatred?) toward the W, built up from little resentments that have slowly percolated over time in the M. To see a MM wanting to parade an OW in front of his W (without her knowing about it) doesn't surprise me. It's part of his "Secret Revenge" fantasy against the W.

 

I'm a big believer in "familiarity breeds contempt" - it's part of human nature, and it would happen in the M no matter who the MM was married to. He happened to pick cheating as the release valve. Others might choose mental/physical abuse of their S. Still others stay away from home as much as possible, immersing themselves in sports & hobbies.

 

There's a fine line between love and hate, and that line gets thinner and thinner as the M wears on. For the most part, inside a M (esp. a long-term one) is not a mentally healthy place to be.

[Mount]

:eek:Not at all, didn't you feel the tone from my question that I feel it was very strange for me to understand the motive.

 

Just like if we steal sth, or do bad things, shouldn't we hide it by human nature?

 

YOu sound so very proud of the fact.. and yes it is black and twisted.

 

I wonder what kind of ego boost he or you receive from it all.

 

Happyface

[woinlove]

I've always held the belief that the very act of an MM's cheating is a manifestation of extreme anger (even hatred?) toward the W, built up from little resentments that have slowly percolated over time in the M. To see a MM wanting to parade an OW in front of his W (without her knowing about it) doesn't surprise me. It's part of his "Secret Revenge" fantasy against the W.

 

I'm a big believer in "familiarity breeds contempt" - it's part of human nature, and it would happen in the M no matter who the MM was married to. He happened to pick cheating as the release valve. Others might choose mental/physical abuse of their S. Still others stay away from home as much as possible, immersing themselves in sports & hobbies.

 

There's a fine line between love and hate, and that line gets thinner and thinner as the M wears on. For the most part, inside a M (esp. a long-term one) is not a mentally healthy place to be.

 

I don't think all or even most affairs are a manifestation of anger or hatred toward the BS. More often, they are a manifestation of internal problems within the WS. Wanting to openly stick it to the BS, whether by the WS or the AP or both, is only displayed in a fraction of affairs. Even this trait seems to be much more connected to the values and personality of the WS/AP, than having much to do with the BS.

 

And, long happy and healthy marriages do exist, although the values and deception displayed during affairs are not compatible with them. Familiarity can bring even more love and compassion. It really depends on the people involved.

[whichwayisup]

I think OB must be talking about extreme cases, I don't think she meant all marriages.

 

 

I agree with LG and SG completely..

[mercy]

:eek:Not at all, didn't you feel the tone from my question that I feel it was very strange for me to understand the motive.

 

Just like if we steal sth, or do bad things, shouldn't we hide it by human nature?

 

Shouldn't we? No.

 

When doing things that go against our nature we crave to be hidden. Sure it's feels good for a while but with time comes shame/guilt.

 

How can something so 'right' feel so wrong? Simply because it is.

 

It is not in our nature to seek happiness on the back of another persons pain.

 

Where is the joy in that?

 

OpenBook, in my situation, you nailed it!

 

Any joy that comes from that is a joy stained with shame.

[mercy]

I've always held the belief that the very act of an MM's cheating is a manifestation of extreme anger (even hatred?) toward the W, built up from little resentments that have slowly percolated over time in the M. To see a MM wanting to parade an OW in front of his W (without her knowing about it) doesn't surprise me. It's part of his "Secret Revenge" fantasy against the W.

 

I'm a big believer in "familiarity breeds contempt" - it's part of human nature, and it would happen in the M no matter who the MM was married to. He happened to pick cheating as the release valve. Others might choose mental/physical abuse of their S. Still others stay away from home as much as possible, immersing themselves in sports & hobbies.

 

There's a fine line between love and hate, and that line gets thinner and thinner as the M wears on. For the most part, inside a M (esp. a long-term one) is not a mentally healthy place to be.

 

So true!

 

h's affair was exactly that, anger at me.

 

Though we have a great marriage now, then? Oh the anger!

[Mount]

Oh yes, forgot to mention that the MM (supposed to be XMM now) did mention during the A that he would like me sleep at their beautiful bed in their new house, enjoy all the stuff in the house that his wife and him have.

 

Back then I told him straightforward that even though I love him very much but I am not that "slutty" that would be willing to sleep at their bed (when his wife not there of course). That is also why we always met up at my place.

 

But again, why I am so depressed now after he sent me the supposed-to-be not see each other txt msg although he still loves me very much and will always do...etc? Was because he won after our battle of keeping silence? He has to say the word first before me? Or he tried to use the txt to punish me?

[mercy]

Oh yes, forgot to mention that the MM (supposed to be XMM now) did mention during the A that he would like me sleep at their beautiful bed in their new house, enjoy all the stuff in the house that his wife and him have.

 

Back then I told him straightforward that even though I love him very much but I am not that "slutty" that would be willing to sleep at their bed (when his wife not there of course). That is also why we always met up at my place.

 

But again, why I am so depressed now after he sent me the supposed-to-be not see each other txt msg although he still loves me very much and will always do...etc? Was because he won after our battle of keeping silence? He has to say the word first before me? Or he tried to use the txt to punish me?

 

 

Such a vile word.

 

How do we measure ones behavior when all of it brings such pain.

[Mount]

Do you mean I replied incorrectly toward his invitation to his house and his and his wife's bed? Of course I refused. I am not that low moral I suppose.

 

Such a vile word.

 

How do we measure ones behavior when all of it brings such pain.

[mercy]

Do you mean I replied incorrectly toward his invitation to his house and his and his wife's bed? Of course I refused. I am not that low moral I suppose.

 

I was speaking only to the word, 'slutty'.

[mercy]

Do you mean I replied incorrectly toward his invitation to his house and his and his wife's bed? Of course I refused. I am not that low moral I suppose.

 

I would like to add that it's been said a relationship is a relationship so in the same thought isn't an OW an OW.

 

Just a little confusing.

 

Again how does one measure when it all brings pain.

 

So OW argue who has more moral character than the other by simply not doing certain things. Isn't the outcome all the same? Pain/shame/guilt/

 

Though I did like that phrase don't sh*t where you sleep.

[Mount]

:eek:Assuming you are not saying I should have agreed to accept his invitation to have playdate in his (and wife)'s house, which he asked multiple times and I always laughed about it & refused?

 

As per the outcome, I told the MM that even our A was bad but sleeping on his wife's new bed was extremely disrespectful for his wife, thus I could not do that.

 

What you were saying seems like once you are a OW, you are bad anyway and it doesn't matter what level of behavior you agreed to do with the MM?

 

I would like to add that it's been said a relationship is a relationship so in the same thought isn't an OW an OW.

 

Just a little confusing.

 

Again how does one measure when it all brings pain.

 

So OW argue who has more moral character than the other by simply not doing certain things. Isn't the outcome all the same? Pain/shame/guilt/

 

Though I did like that phrase don't sh*t where you sleep.

[mercy]

:eek:Assuming you are not saying I should have agreed to accept his invitation to have playdate in his (and wife)'s house, which he asked multiple times and I always laughed about it & refused?

 

As per the outcome, I told the MM that even our A was bad but sleeping on his wife's new bed was extremely disrespectful for his wife, thus I could not do that.

 

What you were saying seems like once you are a OW, you are bad anyway and it doesn't matter what level of behavior you agreed to do with the MM?

 

Affairs hurt, no matter what color you paint them.

 

When pain comes to your door there is no measure, it's just pain.

 

Though in hindsight one my say, that hurt most. In that moment, pain is pain.

 

And why call some OW names? You are one. Silly.

[beach]

Some people get their rocks off a little harder when they know they are getting away with something right under someone's nose.

 

I would call that evil.

 

It is inviting in very dark energy.

[Mount]

I was suspecting that as well. The party invitation was on before our A started, and after A starting I expressed my concern not wanting to go a couple times but he insisted. And he seems to be very happy after my attendancy and called me right after expressing his happiness....:confused::confused:

 

For me I just did not understand, should he not expose me too much in front of his wife, didn't he worry my emotion would tell (although we acted very normal back then).

 

He is a narcissist and he cannot feel guilt. Furthermore, MM has no empathy for his wife. Why did you attend?

[Mount]

Sorry, I am not getting that very well. Can you elaborate?

 

It is inviting in very dark energy.

[beach]

Sorry, I am not getting that very well. Can you elaborate?

 

Positive energy vs negative (dark) energy.

 

Positive energy doesn't involve all those lies, deception - and potential for harm and pain - especially to others.