Why does my partner appear psycho? Trust issues, false assumptions/accusations

[anne1707]

Excuse me, but you are flat wrong and I resent your assumption. My wife has not taken responsibility for her physical abuse. She flat out denied it in family court, saying she never hit me. She also has asked me since to apologize for what I did to make her hit me. I truly cannot believe the opposition and misunderstanding I've received as a man on this forum after going through a traumatic abusive situation.

 

TBF did not say that your wife had accepted responsibility. All she said was that your wife was responsible for the abuse (whether she accepts that or not), just as you are responsible for your own actions/inaction (again whether you accept it or not)

[TaraMaiden]

Excuse me, but you are flat wrong and I resent your assumption. My wife has not taken responsibility for her physical abuse. She flat out denied it in family court, saying she never hit me. She also has asked me since to apologize for what I did to make her hit me. I truly cannot believe the opposition and misunderstanding I've received as a man on this forum after going through a traumatic abusive situation.

 

Try reading posts a little more carefully before becoming so defensive. You completely got the wrong end of the stick with more than one poster - including me. When women reply to you, it's not necessarily to nail you to the wood.

 

READ - digest, consider. We're not all stick-wielding harridans, just because you happened to be married to one.

[threebyfate]

Excuse me, but you are flat wrong and I resent your assumption. My wife has not taken responsibility for her physical abuse. She flat out denied it in family court, saying she never hit me. She also has asked me since to apologize for what I did to make her hit me. I truly cannot believe the opposition and misunderstanding I've received as a man on this forum after going through a traumatic abusive situation.

Understand that you can't force her to confess. Something's seriously mentally wrong when people deny abuse. These issues are her responsibility to bear.

 

On your side, your responsibility is that the first time she manifested abusive behaviours towards you, why wouldn't you have walked away? If you did walk away, why are you holding onto one incident of abuse and not estatic that you're free of an abuser? If you stayed with an abuser for any extended period, why did you?

[dreamingoftigers]

There is ALWAYS another way of viewing things because one set of experiences does not necessarily mean all experiences will be - or are - like this.

 

One dog bite doesn't mean all dogs will bite you.

It is understandable to be wary, but judging all circumstances by looking through the same spectacles, and assessing them to all be predictably the same - is, if you will excuse me for saying so - not using the brain the good lord gave you, to its best and most favourable capacity.

 

It's amazing how many people get stuck in this kind of thinking.

 

Like: it happened to me, it happened to others like me, it must be a Universal Fact.

 

It's especially crappy when it's "all men" and "all women."

[M30USA]

You know, I would agree with all you of, except for one thing...

 

Any time I do something wrong to her, it's entirely my fault and nobody else's. One time I got angry and yelled at her. Her parents found out and pretty much told me that I needed to change and I needed to apologize to her. They even agreed that I should apologize before she unlocked the doors to the house. (She actually deadbolted doors and unhooked power supply from garage opener.) Yet when she does something wrong (even a lot worse like hitting me with a board leaving bruises), suddenly the rules change and it's either "both" of our problem or still my problem. Look, you guys can say all you want, but your logic is inconsistent when explaining how men vs women should behave. I don't even know why I'm bothering--it's me against 4 women anyway here.

[dreamingoftigers]

Seriously M30,

 

I would suggest going to a Domestic Violence communication course in your area if they have one.

 

While there was only one incident of me to him DV in my marriage and there were a few from him to me, (minor, except for one innehoch he didn't touch me at all, but rather got drunk and trashed the house) we both found the Pathways to Change 14-week program to be incredibly helpful in recovering from our domestic issues and building new skills against DV should it ever become an issue.

 

Seriously, I think without an extra support like that, you are more than likely to end up in another family unit with those issues again. Except maybe more bitter.

 

Often they are offered at shelters and are free or low-cost.

About 75% of the women in my group were victims, 25% were clear offenders. But most seem to benefit from the skills presented. I was shocked to hear one woman come in on session one and say, "I tell my boyfriend to leave the apartment like 5 times when I'm angry and don't want to see him. If he doesn't listen, he knows what's going to happen and I don't feel guilty because I've warned him." she had been court-ordered there because she had beaten him up pretty badly and this was the cycle. Jeez. "warning someone?" that is totally unacceptable reasoning to BEAT anyone. It was kind of good for her to face a room full of women who calmly explained why exactly she had no business acting that way. It was good because often abusers often quit when their "logic" is exposed in the light of day.

 

Although I will say this, my stages after betrayal somewhat followed like this:

 

1. Holy crap, my spouse is one of those.

2. Holy crap, lots of men are like that.

3. Holy crap, lots of women are too.

4. Oh thank god it's far from everyone.

 

It doesn't help when you look at a clearly OBJECTIVE post and see a personal attack. Because you are very triggered by these things, I honestly suggest re-reading any posts you find triggering and seeing if there COULD HAVE BEEN a totally objective meaning to a post.

[M30USA]

One question:

 

If my situation was reversed and it was me who was the one who took a board over her body and bruised her, would you be saying the same thing?

 

I don't even need an answer.

 

With that I will end my discussion here.

[TaraMaiden]

You know, I would agree with all you of, except for one thing...

 

Any time I do something wrong to her, it's entirely my fault and nobody else's.

sez who?

And you believe it? Oh please....

 

One time I got angry and yelled at her. Her parents found out and pretty much told me that I needed to change and I needed to apologize to her. They even agreed that I should apologize before she unlocked the doors to the house. (She actually deadbolted doors and unhooked power supply from garage opener.)

 

I echo TBF's question - who put a gun against your head and forced you to stay one moment after the first violence?

And since when do her parents get to rule your marriage?

Why didn't you tell them to butt out and mind their own business?

 

Yet when she does something wrong (even a lot worse like hitting me with a board leaving bruises), suddenly the rules change and it's either "both" of our problem or still my problem.

 

By whose reckoning?

And why do you accept this?

This is what you have to own. Your complicit behaviour in accepting the control of others.

 

Look, you guys can say all you want, but your logic is inconsistent when explaining how men vs women should behave. I don't even know why I'm bothering--it's me against 4 women anyway here.

 

OK, turn that around.

It's 4 women, taking the time, effort and trouble to try to make you understand that your view is blinkered - because you're tarring all women with the same brush.

 

Our logic isn't inconsistent, if we have been in agreement all along, and the single, lone voice of dissent is yours - that's where the inconsistent logic is. In your argument, not ours.

Hey, we're trying to help you here.

If you won't be helped, is it any wonder your wife managed to tread all over you?

You came to believe the illogical behaviour as being authentic and typical - and you are sooo wrong in that.

[dreamingoftigers]

So naturally, having a birth canal means that we must all follow the logic of her parents.....

 

What people get on you here about is that you refuse to see that leaving an abuser or accepting any hindsight on how to screen for a potential mate seems to be outside your jurisdiction.

 

It must be the fault of women and the system. The fact that you kept bending to you wife and her parents means that every guy in history bends to an abusive woman and her parents.

 

Women, you suck. You can't see a case of abuse because you are women with your coloured perceptions, even when posters ACKNOWLEDGE and ASSIGN the responsibility of the abuse to your WIFE, it isn't good enough.

 

What exactly do you expect of us? Seriously. No one has said, " if she hit you, you must have deserved it."

 

You read that into posts on your own and then respond to it LIKE it was posted.

 

It's just like when people say:

 

The marital breakdown was the fault of both parties BUT the cheating was the fault of the party that cheated.

 

In that scenario, someone with your perspective would argue back: "oh so you are saying her going out with OM every weekend when I was out of town was MY fault? Well that's just how women think isn't it!?"

 

Um, no! We're saying that hey, maybe her arguing over romantic nights and you fighting over dishes caused a problem in the marriage, maybe it would be beneficial to examine what warning signs led up to the cheating? Was she always a big nasty pushy flirt? Did you find illicit emails while you were dating? Or is this something that developed? A one-off or was she really underhanded?"

 

In your case, your wife would routinely freak out of you didn't play with her hair. That's a warning sign. That's a major red flag.

 

 

 

You know, I would agree with all you of, except for one thing...

 

Any time I do something wrong to her, it's entirely my fault and nobody else's. One time I got angry and yelled at her. Her parents found out and pretty much told me that I needed to change and I needed to apologize to her. They even agreed that I should apologize before she unlocked the doors to the house. (She actually deadbolted doors and unhooked power supply from garage opener.) Yet when she does something wrong (even a lot worse like hitting me with a board leaving bruises), suddenly the rules change and it's either "both" of our problem or still my problem. Look, you guys can say all you want, but your logic is inconsistent when explaining how men vs women should behave. I don't even know why I'm bothering--it's me against 4 women anyway here.

[dreamingoftigers]

One question:

 

If my situation was reversed and it was me who was the one who took a board over her body and bruised her, would you be saying the same thing?

 

I don't even need an answer.

 

With that I will end my discussion here.

 

Take a kind look through my posting history. I strongly encourage women to examine the red flags that pop up in their relationships.

 

And to seek help in the same types of groups listed above. ESPECIALLY if they have been abused in such a physical manner.

[TaraMaiden]

One question:

 

If my situation was reversed and it was me who was the one who took a board over her body and bruised her, would you be saying the same thing?

 

I don't even need an answer.

 

With that I will end my discussion here.

 

Where in any of my responses to women or men, have I shown any bias?

Find me a preferential post of mine that is gender-biased, and i'll eat your hat, let alone mine.

 

Don't pick fights you can't win. you're being illogical here.

 

Why illogical?

....Because neutrality - is not something you can claim, is it?

[TaraMaiden]

Poor Garfish, he must wonder what the hell has happened to his thread....

[Radu]

M30, TM and DOT are not perfectly gender neutral, but damn close to it.

 

TM and DOT, he spent 5yrs with a BPD ffs, he is still in the obvious anger phase.

He will probably get better ... unless he wants to not provide his kids with a safe-heaven from his wife's crazyness.

[TaraMaiden]

Where have I NOT been gender-neutral, Daffy....?

[Lonely Ronin]

If someone thinks you're going to be a domestic abuser, you probably will be.

I'm betting this is the stupidest thing you have ever said.

[fortyninethousand322]

I'm betting this is the stupidest thing you have ever said.

 

You sure? I'm betting it isn't. Not by a long shot.

[Lonely Ronin]

You sure? I'm betting it isn't. Not by a long shot.

 

Yea I'm pretty sure, the legal system requires proof for stuff like this for a reason...

[TaraMaiden]

I haveta say, I don't figure it as something to take as read.....

[fortyninethousand322]

Yea I'm pretty sure, the legal system requires proof for stuff like this for a reason...

 

Proof of what? I didn't say "if someone thinks you're an abuser you are and should be jailed". I said you probably will end up being one eventually.

 

People don't say stuff like that for no reason. There's usually something solid behind it. We're only getting one side in this thread...

[RickyLovesLucy]

Poor Garfish, he must wonder what the hell has happened to his thread....

Yeah, I was kinda wondering too.

 

In other threads you and M30USA have made some really insightful posts. What do you two think of my read on the OP? It's pretty much the opposite as that of other's but it seems very clear to me.

[TaraMaiden]

I think actually it was a very insightful post - and to be honest, not an angle I'd immediately considered, but I can see your argument and it makes some very valid points.....

[Lonely Ronin]

Proof of what? I didn't say "if someone thinks you're an abuser you are and should be jailed". I said you probably will end up being one eventually.

 

You realize that saying someone will eventually be one is almost exactly like saying they are one.

[threebyfate]

You realize that saying someone will eventually be one is almost exactly like saying they are one.

Not necessarily. It's no different than saying someone has the potential for something positive. When doing so, potential for, if there's attitude and behaviour change in the interim, can ensure that the individual doesn't manifest their potential, whether positive or negative.

[Garfish]

I see this a little differently from the others, but my advice (run!) is the same.

 

 

Let's see if there are any reasons for that.

 

I don't think you have to threaten violence to seem threatening.

 

I don't think she asked you, I think she told you to move out. Would I be correct in guessing that the trouble involved you completely losing your cool?

 

She's not answering your repeated calls to the house or emails. She doesn't want to talk to you. It's over, but you keep trying to contact her.

 

She told you to move out, she refuses to talk to you or email you. Now you're following her blog. It was insensitive to publicly talk about your relationship, but there is no point in emailing her because she doesn't want to talk to you.

 

 

She threw you out of the house, she's not responding to phone calls or emails, and now you're calling her at work? Of course she told you not to call her at work. Yes, threats are involved here. You're actions are threatening to her. Dude, you are scaring me and I don't even know you.

 

I can easily imagine her anger. You know your behavior might result in her getting fired, don't you?

 

The appointment you made. The only reason she would be keeping that appointment is to tell you it's over.

 

 

No, she broke up with you already! You're trying to go along with that, but you can't let her go. I don't know about a wife beater, but you are essentially stalking her.

 

 

I don't know understand what's being said here, but I think she reads you just fine.

 

 

No kidding she wants to meet in public. You're scaring the sh*t out of her. You're crying and yelling, like you do when you're upset. Like when she asked you to move out. Like when you called her at work. Can you see why that's threatening?

 

 

She agreed because you wore her down. Somewhere inside she probably still cares about you, but your intensity is really far too much for her.

 

You need to call her and break up with her. It's hard to accept, but you need to let her go. It's over.

 

Now, I've read you totally different than the others and maybe I've misread you. But I don't think so. I once had a relationship that ended remarkably like yours, so I know. I know what you're feeling. I also had a very difficult time accepting that the relationship was over.

 

What happened next was this: It took me months to get over her. Months. But I did get over her and I met the most incredibly woman; a woman seemingly made for me. We've been married many, many years now, and this moment my DW is downstairs making breakfast for me. One of the kids is dropping by today, so I have to go downstairs and get ready.

 

The only thing I can add is that it gets better. It really does.

 

 

Rick loves Lucy: You have a lot of the details wrong. I am not going to share them here. You sound a lot like her though. Don't make so many assumptions please.

[TaraMaiden]

Rick loves Lucy: You have a lot of the details wrong. I am not going to share them here. You sound a lot like her though. Don't make so many assumptions please.

 

Ah, well...there's the more important answer Ricky.

 

That's why I didn't comment on your post at the time you made it. While you sought my feedback on your post, I was hoping Garfish would comment more specifically....