End of the road?

[SF33M]

I have posted up before explaining my situation with my wife wanting to have a child with me NOW even though we are going through a difficult time at the moment in our relationship. She gave me an ultimatum and I did not give in to it. Last week she asked if we should try separating for a while. She wanted to use last weekend to think about it while she went to San Diego and Sea World with her best friend. I agreed.

 

To make a long story short...she had been talking with an ex-boyfriend of hers a few months ago and I found out and told her to stop. She said she did. Now I find out she is talking again with him via cell phone and trying to hide it. Since I was suspicious of this again...I checked her bank records for last weekend and just found out that she did not go to San Diego at all but went to Bishop, CA where he lives. She came back and I asked her how Sea World was and she just went on and on about how nice it was. Lies! Again!

 

All this while we were supposed to begin counseling and now I just think I can't forgive this. How can I ever trust her again if she is doing this? It is causing me incredible anxiety and I just can't take it. Funny thing is now she is acting very nice the past few days as if there is not a problem in the world. We own a house and dog together but have no children yet. I have not told her that I know because I know things will just blow up and if we are going to separate, I would rather use it to my advantage to prepare myself and things for a move. She has said that she WILL NOT wait a year to have a child and with this happening, there is no way I am having a child with her anytime soon! What to do?

[HokeyReligions]

You said you were supposed to begin counseling. Did you? If not, then DO. Don't make rash plans until you have had some counseling alone and together.

 

Hug the dog.

[SF33M]

So I am supposed to just forgive the fact that my wife went up for a little rendevous with her ex? How do people ever get over things like that. I am so angry with her for the lies that I do not know what counseling is going to do at this point.

 

My best friend had his wife cheat on him last year. He found out and tried to forgive her for the kids sake and move on only to find out that she did it again within the same year. This just sucks!

[Miss_Prolixity]

Hi SS33M,

 

Have you communicated to your wife that you know what really happened on her trip in California? If no, I'm curious to know why?

 

Trust and honesty are two huge major factors in a relationship. They're the bonding foundation that keeps the relationship secure. Your wife has breached your marriage vows.

 

I agree that counceling is an excellent option for repairing and healing damage that has occured in the relationship, but on the other hand if both parties aren't willing to salvage the relationship with their whole heart, then it's always going to be lopsided and unbalanced.

[SF33M]

No, I have not commmunicated to her that I know yet. I just found out yesterday and am thinking over in my head what I think the appropriate action should be and how I would like to handle it. She asked me to leave last week for a whlile (trial separation) and I said that we stay together and go to counseling. She agreed on the counseling but still wanted to be apart for a while. Since I did not want to leave, her answer was "Well, I will just deal with it my own way then."

 

I believe if I was to go home and tell her that I know tonight, that it would just turn into a giant mess and I would most likely be trying to find a place to live at a moment's notice. I would rather ask her to leave and go stay with her Mom. It is not too far away and she does not have to work in the summer. Why should I have to leave our home when she is the one who has been deceitful.

 

Knowing my wife, the minute I tell her that I know that she lied. She will get very defensive and most likely say that we should just forget everything and go our separate ways.

[blondeone]

Hi.

 

I'm new here but I'm going to butt my nose in anyways....your right if you go home and tell her what you know she will most likely get defensive and to avoid the guilty feelings of how much she hurt you she'll just cover it up with anger- So, what I would do is let things go on as they are and let her hang herself...I used to work for a divorce atty- if you don't want to lose the house and want her to move out then get the dirt on her...video, pictures, bills whatever it takes so that when you confront her she has no choice but to go to mommy's...your probably wondering why a woman would tell you to do this....well, I would tell a woman this too- if your husband/wife is cheating on you when you've given them your time, love, trust, heart/soul then they take it and chew it up and spit it out then they deserve whatever they get!

 

Don't be the door mat and get walked on...she knows perfectly well what she's doing and WHY ON EARTH would she give you an ultimatum of having a child- YOU WOULD BE CLINICALLY INSANE if you had a child with her...having a child is NOT going to make things better between the 2 of you- IT WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE!!!! I hate it when people who's marriage is in trouble decide to have a child to save it....then you've brought a third INNOCENT person into it and they are the ones that suffer the longest.

 

IF you can't bring yourself to get the dirt on her, get a PI or a friend to do it or just kick her out. I'm so sorry if I sound HATEFUL but you seem like a nice person and you are getting taken for a ride! Don't let it continue!!! Peace and good luck!

[SF33M]

I am making it through the days somehow without speaking to her about it and it is funny how she is so happy now and even asked if we could start remodeling the kitchen today. I just don't get it! Why would your partner go on and pretend like nothing is wrong, wanting to invest in our future, and still wanting a child?

 

I will have to tell her soon enough because this is just killing me but would rather wait until the weekend when I have some time away from work. I feel like I need to plan some things or speak to friends for advice on what to do before I tell her that I know.

 

Blondeone:

 

I appreciate your comments. I am not clinically insane at all so there is no way I am going to be having a child or even sex for that matter right now to even get anywhere near that situation. I will not be the door mat and the last thing I want is to be taken for a ride by my wife. It is funny because I never thought she would do this. She never seemed the type to cheat.

 

I will have to make some sort of decision soon. Can't keep this bottled up inside much longer.

[blondeone]

I feel for you and this really sucks that you have to go through this...but, you'll find out how much happier you'll be once you move on. IMO-She is playing you- having her cake and eating it too...the girl is going to get FAT with all that cake! lol! I wish you the best and hope you can find your way with or without her! Peace.

[SF33M]

Well to fill you all in....I confronted my wife last night regarding the rendevous and made her tell me what was going on. She informed me that she did indeed lie about where she was going because I would not understand. As I pressed her for the information, she told me that the ex-boyfriend she went up to see and has been talking with for almost a year now is gay! (I have previously asked her not to call and speak with him and she has hidden and lied about this a few times before also but never mentioned anything about him being gay) She has told her best friend and another friend about this, but felt she could not talk to me about his secret.

 

Her answer was that he was having a really hard time worrying about how he would tell his parents and she felt compelled to go up there and see him because she was worried he might hurt himself. My problem with this is the lies. She has known that I have suspected her of being with him over 6 months ago and with all the arguements we have had about it, you would think she would have just told me that along time ago and saved all this B.S.

 

So now I am faced with having to believe her or not and the fact that my wife feels she cannot talk to me and would rather lie about things with me but she can talk to her friends about it. I do not like that at all. There should be communication and not lying. I am so confused now....just seems like it is all screwed up now.

[ladyangel]

The lies and deceit are still there, no matter what the true circumstances are. She has harmed your trust in her. I would definitely insist on her going to counseling with you and getting everything out in the open and let it be known the harm she has done to your marriage. It also sounds like the counselor could help her understand why having a baby right now would not be a good idea.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[jmargel]

Gay? Damn.. she is a good liar. How long was she with him? Funny how all of a sudden a guy she's been 'caught' with is gay.

 

Don't believe her lies! Get his number and call him. You have every right.

 

The reason why she is 'happy' all of a sudden, is because she is back in his life. She has the best of both worlds. Don't fall for her deceit.

[SF33M]

jmargel:

 

That's what I thought when I heard. I almost started laughing, it was so good! She is either a really good liar or is telling the entire truth? She has not lied to me at all (that I know of) in our 6 year relationship, 4 married.

 

To answer your question, she was with him for 2 years, but he was one of those "first true loves" of hers. So that makes things a bit different in my eyes. Why does she have a need to speak with him at all after all of these years. You don't see me talking to any ex-girlfriends at all. Just isn't good for the marriage =)

 

I was thinking of calling him. I do have the number because it comes up on all of her cell phone bills. I may do that and just ask some questions to see what he says to confirm her story. It is almost surreal to me right now what is happening. Hasn't really sunk in yet. What if she really is telling the truth? Then what? Do I keep on with the marriage knowing that my wife lies to me and does not tell me most everything. We are supposed to be a team and that is what I want in my life.

[SF33M]

Well.....I did call the "other guy" and it turns out he confirmed many of the lies that my wife has been telling me. As odd as it sounds, he was actually rather cordial about giving me information.

 

It turns out, he actually is bi-sexual and my wife did not know anything about this until she went up to see him and tried to sleep with him. (I know some of you are thinking that he may be lying also right about now, but I told my wife EXACTLY what he said to me and she confirmed everything and that she has been lying to me) She told me that she has always wondered "what if" or what would have happened between them if she had not met me.

 

He asked me if we were still married and when I replied yes, he told me that she said we had been divorced for almost a year! I could not believe this when I heard it. She invited him into her hotel room after a night of drinking and going for a nude dip in the hot springs with him and some friends and he denied her. This is also when he told her the relationship he did not want to ruin was the one with his BOYFRIEND. Must have been a shock to my wife and her ego to get turned down by her fantasy man because he would rather be a guy!

 

She said she still wanted to go to counseling and try and work something out, but there is no way I am going to be a "Plan B". How could I ever have kids with someone like this. I would always have to go on living knowing that because her dream guy didn't work out , that is what made up her mind to try harder with me. Forget it! I am a nice person and deserve better than that. I guess this is the start of a new beginning?

[Miss_Prolixity]

I am truly sorry for all the pain that you're going through.

 

It would be extremely hard to find out that someone you're married to turned their backs and voided all trust and honesty that was highly essential in the relationship.

 

What I find highly odd is the fact that when you had first confronted your wife about her trip, she had stated that she didn't want to mention to you the real reason she was going out there because you'd be jealous, even though the man is gay.

 

Then you had suspicion (rightly so) that her story didn't add up and everything you believed was a lie had been confirmed by the man she wanted to have an affair with.

 

Obviously your wife came clean after being caught. She was busted and there were no more excuses she could make to justify her behavior. So now, after all is said and done, she decides to make an effort and wants to try counseling. Where was her motivation to work on the marriage prior to the trip? If she was truly sorry and had a contrite heart about her actions, she would've never betrayed your trust and came clean about everything, not until you caught her red handed.

 

If you truly love your wife and want reconciliation, there's always hope. But at the same time it takes two people who are totally committed in making the marriage work. Talk is cheap and her actions don't align with wanting to reconcile the marriage.

[jmargel]

Sorry that this has happened. I'm glad you took my advice and called him. Otherwise you would be wondering quite a bit.

 

Like Miss Prolixity said, she is only coming clean now because she has been busted. She went there under the notion that he was straight. She went there and invited him to her room for sex. Even though it didn't happen, to me it's still as bad as if they did have sex. You now thinking you are the 'backup' plan would hurt alot. You two are married. You are suppose to marry your 'soulmate', your 'dreamperson'.

 

Ask her why does she want to goto counciling? The only way to get through all of this is to talk.. and talk.. and talk.. and then talk about it some more. Ask her as many detailed questions as you feel comfortable with. The only way to get all of the pain out is to talk it out. Even then it will take a very, very long time to trust her and to realize that you are the one she truly adores and wants to be with. She should've taken care of all this business way before she even met you. She is acting extremly selfish. A relationship is 100/100 for each spouse. Anything less, and problems will start.

 

Right now what you should not do is base your own self-worth on this issue. It sounds like the both of you have communication issues between you two. Her feeling a certain way as not being loved or having to fight to make the relationship between you two work might have led her to him. I don't know, that's for her to figure out. I'm glad this other guy was honest with you.

 

When there is infidetily, which there has been in your marriage, even though the actual sex didn't take place, there is no just one 'talk'. You'll be going through alot of anger. Days where you two will be fine, and then the next day feel really depressed. It will also give you alot of anxiety when she's not around. If she's going shopping, you'll be wondering.

 

Right now a child is the last thing you two need. Having a child now will only have you two divorce. You need to work on ALOT of issues. Find a marriage councilor who is certified in marriage therapy. Find one who is reputable. A good councilor will bring out things that you two have been trying to express to each other unsuccessfully.

 

Keep us posted.

[TempSain]

Your life sounds like a soap opera.

 

One thing that you should think about is what if?

What if he wasn't gay? I am sure they would have had sex that weekend.

If they did have sex, she would be leaving you now for this old flame which would make you feel even worse.

Remember, she was the willing party, lying and deceiving you and the gay guy.

In her heart, she has already commited adultry.

Now that he doesn't want her, she is coming back to you. What a B@tch!

 

This is your chance to get back at her.

 

I would drop kick her in a heart beat because she is going to do that again someday.

People like this do not change. It's in their blood.

[SF33M]

Temp Sain:

 

The few friends and family I have told have mentioned the Soap Opera thing a few times. Even a possible book deal!

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It seems now that she got caught she is trying to see if "Plan B" (me) will somehow still be able to be worked out. I have told her no and she has already gone down to the courthouse for the divorce papers.

 

You are exactly right in what you say and even though it is still hard to believe that I had misjudged my wife so much, thinking she would never do something like that, I must move forward for she will certainly do this again. I will not put myself in that position especially a year or two from now when children could possibly be involved.

 

I guess we are both lucky that we are young enough to start over with relatively no baggage. Well, I guess she might be carrying some, knowing that she got turned down by a guy she was in love with because he loved another man....has to be a bit of a shot in her ego. Sad, but time will take care of everything I guess.

[TempSain]

Well, you said it, there is a reason for everything.

You may not know why something happened at a particular moment in time but as time passes, the reason will be revealed. I have experienced it many times myself.

Good luck and let us know what happens in the divorce precedings.

I am curious to know as I am getting ready to file myself.

[SF33M]

During the past week my wife and I have been speaking about how to divide things up and what to do with the house. She has also gone over to the court and picked up the papers. I have held my ground and things have been OK.

 

This past weekend, I made plans to spend it with some friends and came home last night to find my wife asking if we could talk for a minute. She told me that she needed to let me know that she is very sorry for what she has done and knows she really messed up. She called me her best friend and told me that she really loves me. She also mentioned that she understands that she has been very demanding of me over the last year or so. With this said she did not want me to respond and knew that it would probably not change my mind but would regret it if she did not tell me this.

 

My problem is that I don't know if I believe her. Trust is a major issue and now I feel as if the ball is back in my court to make the "final decision". I think back to all of the things she has said she doesn't like about me and how we are different and think even if I was to try to forgive all of the lies I have been told, I have still heard so many things that feel like she is not happy anyway. Why is it all of the sudden different now? I have had a few married couples tell me that I should try to work it out at all costs. I am really confused. I almost felt comfortable with our decision to split and now this is throwing me for a bit of a loop. There are so many "What If's" in my head.....

[TempSain]

Originally posted by SF33M

During the past week my wife and I have been speaking about how to divide things up and what to do with the house. She has also gone over to the court and picked up the papers. I have held my ground and things have been OK.

 

This past weekend, I made plans to spend it with some friends and came home last night to find my wife asking if we could talk for a minute. She told me that she needed to let me know that she is very sorry for what she has done and knows she really messed up. She called me her best friend and told me that she really loves me. She also mentioned that she understands that she has been very demanding of me over the last year or so. With this said she did not want me to respond and knew that it would probably not change my mind but would regret it if she did not tell me this.

 

My problem is that I don't know if I believe her. Trust is a major issue and now I feel as if the ball is back in my court to make the "final decision". I think back to all of the things she has said she doesn't like about me and how we are different and think even if I was to try to forgive all of the lies I have been told, I have still heard so many things that feel like she is not happy anyway. Why is it all of the sudden different now? I have had a few married couples tell me that I should try to work it out at all costs. I am really confused. I almost felt comfortable with our decision to split and now this is throwing me for a bit of a loop. There are so many "What If's" in my head.....

 

Don't fall for that crap.

She is realizing that her world is falling apart as she knew it.

She is loosing a home and all the benefits that she had with you and its all coming to an end.

Of course she is making a last ditch attempt to keep what she had.

Tell her life has consequences. Her thoughtless actions caused all this. None of it was brought on by you.

I know its hard as a man, especially when a women starts crying. It breaks you heart to see it but it is something that you have to decide on and commit to. I just think you have to realize that she is what she is, a good lyer.

 

You have to ask yourself, Can you live with the fact that your wife cheated on you for the rest of your life?

Some men can I guess. Some cannot.

Really think about it. The rest of your life depends on it.