M30USA Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Anyone married to a person with Borderline Personality or has the disorder themselves and is married? I want this thread to be a place where we can share our experiences with BPD specific to marriage. Is it possible to have a normal, lasting marriage when BPD is involved? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 What personality disorder do you think you have....? (Other than you're a bit too heavy on the "Jesus saves" side of things....from where I'm standing, anyway....) Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 11, 2012 Author Share Posted August 11, 2012 What personality disorder do you think you have....? (Other than you're a bit too heavy on the "Jesus saves" side of things....from where I'm standing, anyway....) Actually I haven't done any evangelism on this board at all. I've merely engaged in theological debates. There is a difference. Anywho... I am certain my STBXW has BPD. She would never consider it, and her family tries to cover it up, but it's obvious to everyone else. It has wreaked havoc on our marriage. There has been domestic violence on her part, wild (and I mean wild) mood swings, projection, and complete lack of remorse on her part for anything she's ever done. Everything is my fault all the time. It's mentally draining to live like this. It's like you are the scapegoat for all the person's demons. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 Actually I haven't done any evangelism on this board at all. I've merely engaged in theological debates. There is a difference. Anywho... I am certain my STBXW has BPD. She would never consider it, and her family tries to cover it up, but it's obvious to everyone else. It has wreaked havoc on our marriage. There has been domestic violence on her part, wild (and I mean wild) mood swings, projection, and complete lack of remorse on her part for anything she's ever done. Everything is my fault all the time. It's mentally draining to live like this. It's like you are the scapegoat for all the person's demons. well, if she is soon to be a past and ex- partner, and you'll no longer need to engage with her, then I honestly wouldn't waste time thinking about her or trying to figure it out. That will soon be SEP. I take it there are no children? And that there is no future financial burden? Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 11, 2012 Author Share Posted August 11, 2012 well, if she is soon to be a past and ex- partner, and you'll no longer need to engage with her, then I honestly wouldn't waste time thinking about her or trying to figure it out. That will soon be SEP. I take it there are no children? And that there is no future financial burden? I have two children, aged 4 and 2. I managed to get split 50-50 temporary custody, even with her false accusations of child abuse. Thank the good Lord. I heard those lies coming out in court and I was like, Oh man...I am done. The main reason I'm trying to figure out this whole mess is so that I can learn from it. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 The only thing you can learn from it, is not by examining her, but by evaluating your role in the relationship. I'm not suggesting you were to blame for anything, but in any relationship, no matter what the dynamics or personalities, each person is 100% responsible for their 50% of the relationship. What in your behaviour, enabled the crisis? What do you think, in hindsight, you could have done differently? Also - although I would strongly suggest that it is far too early to consider this now, - please bear in mind that some mental disorders/tendencies are hereditary. Take care of your children, and be mindful of what influences they are exposed to.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 11, 2012 Author Share Posted August 11, 2012 The only thing you can learn from it, is not by examining her, but by evaluating your role in the relationship. I'm not suggesting you were to blame for anything, but in any relationship, no matter what the dynamics or personalities, each person is 100% responsible for their 50% of the relationship. What in your behaviour, enabled the crisis? What do you think, in hindsight, you could have done differently? Also - although I would strongly suggest that it is far too early to consider this now, - please bear in mind that some mental disorders/tendencies are hereditary. Take care of your children, and be mindful of what influences they are exposed to.... Yes, that's the case I made in court: I am more emotionally stable for the children. And I have been thinking about my role in the failed marriage. All I can think is that I didn't do what she wanted all the time. If this means I am wrong, then I don't know what to say. Her expectations of a marriage (based on the model of her parents) is for the women to boss the man around and the man to merely do what she says. So if it's my fault for not going along with this model, I guess I'm sorry. As an example, early in our marriage I hadn't slept well one night (partly because she kept me up late arguing w/ me), and the next morning she got mad at me because I didn't want to go to yard sales with her. She went to her parents house crying and angry because, God forbid, her husband is tired and doesn't want to do exactly what she asked. It's this kind of imbalance in the marriage, coupled with the abuse, that just brought me to the breaking point. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 11, 2012 Share Posted August 11, 2012 If she learned a particular behaviour through her parents, then maybe she's not bi-polar - maybe she's just blinded to the dysfunction. I know a guy who grew up watching his father kow-tow under his mother's oppressive tongue, and was determined to never succumb to that - so became a duplicate of his mother, instead. Determined as he was to never allow himself to be married, and in the same position as his father - what he actually did was simply reverse the roles.... fortunately, a good, strong and loving woman was able to illustrate this and demonstrate it to him - and he made strenuous efforts to challenge his entire mind-set. But your wife is obviously not in any way disposed to doing that. We are all products of our past. How much we permit that past to build us - or destroy us - is our work, here, today, now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lemonlime Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 At the very least you enabled her behavior. Obviously you stayed around for years and let her act like that towards you Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 No judgement here, I'm sorry for your misery but am quite curious as to your decision to add two children to her unstable life. I would fear her volatility and impulsive actions during the stress of toddlerhood and single parent time. You must live with a degree of fear and anxiety? Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 12, 2012 Author Share Posted August 12, 2012 At the very least you enabled her behavior. Obviously you stayed around for years and let her act like that towards you I might have enabled her. But I had no family support around me. I moved far away for her. Once I was established here, she revealed her true self. And her whole family reinforced her dysfunction, so that I started to even doubt myself. I started thinking it was me with the problem. Turns out this is textbook abuser strategy. Isolate, abuse, and distort reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 12, 2012 Author Share Posted August 12, 2012 No judgement here, I'm sorry for your misery but am quite curious as to your decision to add two children to her unstable life. I would fear her volatility and impulsive actions during the stress of toddlerhood and single parent time. You must live with a degree of fear and anxiety? We had children early in the marriage. And she actually was fighting with me constantly to have another one. She would rage almost on a weekly basis trying to make me have another child with her. This never happened, as we are now separated. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 Oh w0w, I cannot imagine it. Dodged a bullet on #3 and I have no clue how you could maintain focus on your career. Seems to me that your current focus needs to be on shoring up your personal boundaries, coming to terms with the obvious limits of your ability to ameliorate damage to your children and financial planning. I have known friends who became involved w BPD women, the resulting cycle of drama. The black hole for time & energy. It's exhausting and robs other necessary focus on life tasks. Heal yourself, be prepared to help your children survive and eventually heal. Huge tasks my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 12, 2012 Share Posted August 12, 2012 Post-treatment BPD here. Bluntly, no it is not possible to have anything close to a normal relationship with someone with untreated BPD. They don't even perceive reality the same way. It's a much more up and down horrid place. Was your stbxw diagnosed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 12, 2012 Author Share Posted August 12, 2012 Thanks for all the good advice, everybody. Somehow I'm managing well in this situation, even with a butt-load of factors trying to crush me. I know not everyone believes in my God, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that I am not doing this on my own strength. Only people who've been in impossible situations can know the grace of God. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted August 13, 2012 Author Share Posted August 13, 2012 I love it when people feel the need to insert their religion into conversations. Hey, if you say you do things on your own, I can say my God gives me strength. I hate it when people inject egocentrism into conversations. Link to post Share on other sites
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