Anyone here whose MM forced NC on you?

[alexandria35]

Hi WWI:p:p:p, I love your 99.99999% posts but I have to disagree following bolded one sentence. Based on my today's experience (today's post) so far, I feel pretty good and relieved about it. A at work can be ended by both willingness and postive attitude.

 

Your affair was very short and nobody found out about it. That's why you two can still make nicey nice at work. Postive attitude has nothing to do with it.

[CALOVELY]

Thank you for the information. I must be nearly there then.

 

I am not a horrible person. He was the one who promised to always keep work separate. He was my adviser, he has a responsibility to my career.

 

What do you mean about google?

 

I'm confused. You say you were his student and now you are both professors?

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for the information. I must be nearly there then.

 

I am not a horrible person. He was the one who promised to always keep work separate. He was my adviser, he has a responsibility to my career.

 

What do you mean about google?

 

He promised but that was before all this went south.

 

And you are his employee, you had/have a responsibility to do your job and not make drama at work and let this ruin your professional reputation. Sorry that I'm harsh here, but I just really want you to focus on work and forget him.

 

Mount, that sentence should have said 'can be huge'. Obviously many work place A's don't see the day of light but some do, especially if a Dday is bad and involves other collegues (who knew of A) etc..

[beach]

I'm confused. You say you were his student and now you are both professors?

 

She said he was her advisor.

[MourningLosses]

It was my idea but he took it up and suggested he would pay. He did end up paying half.

[seren]

ML, when I read your posts, I try to understand what exactly you want, or need. Is it that you want to understand why the MM did not leave and choose to be with you? or, is it that you don't understand why he stays? I think these are two very different things. The former would suggest that you are finding it hard to deal with rejection, the latter, that you don't understand why he stays.

 

I would say that if it is rejection, then there is help you can have to work through why it is so difficult to deal with that. No one likes to feel rejected, but it has been some time and to still feel passed over surely cannot be healthy for you.

If it is to question why he stays, I am afraid you may never know the reason, only the MM knows that and only the BS knows why she chooses to remain also. I can understand that it must be difficult to process why he is staying, especially in light of things he had said to you. Sometimes, logic flies out of the window, I'll bet a lot of BS ask themselves why they stay after infidelity, I know I did.

 

I don't think you will ever get an answer for the question of why he said the things he did, then chose to stay in what you understood to be a marriage that was broken and then to have to process why he didn't want to be with you, when he said he loved you. There are a lot of unanswered questions, most will never be answered.

 

No matter what he has said about his wife, he has chosen to be with her. Many WS say things while in the A to justify to themselves why they are cheating. In some cases, there may be an element of truth. I have heard my H say things about the OW that are derogatory, I don't allow this, I am not so naive to think she was evil or that it didn't mean something. The same applies to a WS who bad mouth's his wife. It's crap, but it's what happens.

What do you want ML? how do you see things panning out? and perhaps more importantly, what do you see the future looking like?

I so hope you can find peace, it sounds very exhausting. Seren x

[stillafool]

I've been separated from him before. I did not like being a single mom.

 

So at least now you understand part of why the BS wants to keep her husband. She doesn't want to be a single mom either.

[stillafool]

 

What do you mean about google?

 

I surprised you've never googled for information. Go to google.com and put in Narcissistic Personality Disorder and hit enter. There will be loads of information to read about this.

[stillafool]

It was my idea but he took it up and suggested he would pay. He did end up paying half.

 

Not good. It wasn't even his idea and you had to pay half?

[beach]

Not good. It wasn't even his idea and you had to pay half?

 

So she basically begged him to see her alone - then he wouldn't have intercourse... So oral was settled upon. Less "guilt" for him... More rejection for the OP.

[HisGraceisSufficient]

My husband isn't a bad person but we don't love each other.

 

Selfishness dissipates love faster than any one thing. Selfishness is often displayed in fear (lack of intimacy), lust, pride, entitlement, and vanity.

 

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 john 4:18

 

This verse is critical because it highlights that those who are not in love or cannot love are vehicles of the driver named fear. It may not be evident, felt or understood but how often do I hear: 'I couldn't tell him (her) how i really felt so I..."

 

Fear inhibits true intimacy, aka love.

[Ellin]

I've been separated from him before. I did not like being a single mom.

 

You said your husband does not help you with the children at all, so what difference would it make? He would still have to support you financially. You also claim you don't love each other (by the way, does he say the same thing or is it more like you don't love him?).

 

All in all, I don't really see what you'd lose if you left your H. What does he give you now that you wouldn't have if your M ended?

 

Also, were you at any point ready and willing to leave your H for MM?

 

Sorry if off topic, but I don't quite understand..

[Lamplight]

Well try to look at this in a positive light. The affair is over. Your real idenity was never discovered so you are able to walk away with your reputation. You will not have to worry about being treated badly or embarrassed in public. Getting out this affair is really a good thing. He will probably go on to other women and get busted in the future and, the best part about it is, it won't be your problem. Sorry, you were treated this way but, just take it as a hard earned life lesson and be grateful that you weren't caught in this mess.

[RickFox]

Mme Chaucer my husband has what he wants out of the marriage: sex on demand and permanent childcare. He's happy, and none the wiser.

 

Mount do you really think he was lying back then when he said he loved me? Was he deliberately stringing me along? That's what I can't believe. I see his feelings must have changed and I am trying to understand how and why. Did he suddenly realize she was wonderful and none of what he was saying about her was true? I doubt it. Exaggerated perhaps but not untrue.

 

Was he lying when he said he loved you? It matters not.

 

Was he deliberately stringing you along? More than likely

 

why did his feelings change all of a sudden? Because you became a liability, you weren't worth that much to him when it came down to it. You were not as important to him as he led you to believe.

 

 

You need to stop driving yourself crazy with the why's and the how's...the fact is it simply IS.

 

My xMW turned her back on me, she left me for dead so to speak, it tore me up for a while, but clarity sets in if you let it.......IF YOU LET IT. It no longer matters whether he loved you, whether you were the best thing in his life, whether you had the best sex or longest walks on the beach...what matters is that now, he has shown you who he is, how he handles things and runs from them, that you are not anyone to him anymore.

 

When you come to terms with it all, go thru your stages of grief and anger and acceptance, you will more than likely not have a single word to say to him and it is liberating to be free of that person and the need or want to hear from them.

[rhw]

ML, you're going to drive yourself to psych-ward madness if you keep at this. I empathize, i really do and i know you have to come to it in your own time but again, nothing was forced on you. he told you it was over. he asked you to stop. you still keep going. no good is ever going to come from it.

 

Please read my thread. Hopefully it will help. I never ever wanted to see my MM in any other light but what he's done to me is flat out cruel. i'm no longer willing to stay on the backburner for someone who could do *that* to me. i'm not willing to stay on the backburner for anyone but i did for him because in reality, the good still outweighed the hurt, enough for it to be worth my time. but screw me over like that and believe me, suddenly, it doesn't matter anymore.

 

RickFox is right. everyone here is right about this. Find your strengths. Do not obsess over whether he loved you or not. I guess it's easier for me to say because I know mine did love me very much. But it's past tense. Not only does he not love me, he doesn't give a damn. And right now, that's all that really matters.

 

Don't stumble over something that's behind you.