Anyone here whose MM forced NC on you?

[MourningLosses]

I'm looking for anyone who can relate. I see a lot of women who go NC because they've had enough. I see a lot who ended it and their MM accepted (eventually) and mutually went NC. I see some whose Mm ended it gently saying they did love you.

 

But is there anyone else who just had the Mm stop talking to them without explanation, then eventually just sent a cruelly worded email saying it was all your fault and it was over and never wanted to hear from you again?

 

I feel like NC forced on me is very different from NC chosen for my own needs.

[Balzac]

Not a MM, just a guy. Seems you are in shock and hurting? From your story it seems he's done. Who knows if he was confronted or just done with you. What difference does it make who invokes NC? He has chosen it and if you care about yourself, you'll move on.

 

People have all variety of reasons to end relationships. Affairs are rarely the MM's priority relationship but you have not revealed if he has children with his wife. For many MM that makes for a tougher decision.

[mercy]

I'm looking for anyone who can relate. I see a lot of women who go NC because they've had enough. I see a lot who ended it and their MM accepted (eventually) and mutually went NC. I see some whose Mm ended it gently saying they did love you.

 

But is there anyone else who just had the Mm stop talking to them without explanation, then eventually just sent a cruelly worded email saying it was all your fault and it was over and never wanted to hear from you again?

 

I feel like NC forced on me is very different from NC chosen for my own needs.

 

This is what I've learned from pain.

 

I choose to let everything go and accept. And I accept things laid on my path as if I have chose them.

 

Support is great but at the end of the day it is only me and I choose to be kind to myself.

 

 

I really don't believe in closure. For a time I allowed the why's of things to nearly drive me insane. My spirit mourned for life, joy and peace. Hopefully that time will come for you.

 

Look within, see and feel what you are doing to yourself. Choose different.

 

He, them, they, whomever, matter not in your healing. You only need you and a forgiving heart. Forgive you. Free yourself.

[Garfish]

Huh, I had to think for a minute to figure out that you meant Married Man and No Contact. Ask yourself why you are putting yourself in such an impossible and dishonorable situation. Don't you deserve better than that? Take this as a learning experience and move on. Best of luck.

[alexandria35]

Both she and her MM have children. She has spoken of this several times. His wife was pregnant when they started the affair and he brought the baby to her house and all of the kids played together.

[Balzac]

That's what I get for taking a question at face value. Sounds like too much drama for me.

[Mount]

Generally speaking, the NC for ML is very positive, eliminating more dramas. It is a good thing, why don't you see it?:bunny:

[MourningLosses]

I can't see the lov of my life as just a learning experience. He had shaken my reality by just cutting me off. I don't understand it. I dont understand how someone so kind and gentle and caring that he couldn't leave her he said because it would ruin her life and likely kill her literally- could be so cruel to someone who has only ever been gentle and loving to him.

[Mount]

Why you still dwell on this - he is NOT kind, NOT gentle, NOT caring.....he is the BAD GUY, you were seeing ONLY what you wanted to see, so just let him go.

 

I can't see the lov of my life as just a learning experience. He had shaken my reality by just cutting me off. I don't understand it. I dont understand how someone so kind and gentle and caring that he couldn't leave her he said because it would ruin her life and likely kill her literally- could be so cruel to someone who has only ever been gentle and loving to him.

[Garfish]

I can't see the lov of my life as just a learning experience. He had shaken my reality by just cutting me off. I don't understand it. I dont understand how someone so kind and gentle and caring that he couldn't leave her he said because it would ruin her life and likely kill her literally- could be so cruel to someone who has only ever been gentle and loving to him.

Well I admit, I wandered into this topic area by clicking "New Posts" and I'm not into this sort of thing. Even if I don't approve of it, I'm not here to moralize.

 

Never mind the right or the wrong of it- it's a question of whether this is good for you. That said, if he's the love of your life, why is he married to someone else? He's so kind and gentle and caring that he cheats on his wife and also uses you and treats you like a piece of garbage by cutting you off without explanation? Listen to yourself... I'm not condemning you, I'm condemning a choice you made that is hurting YOU. I know that attachment is a difficult thing- nobody else can really help you break it. But you should take a look in the mirror and ask yourself why you do this to yourself for some jerk. Would you do the same to him if the shoe was on the other foot?

[Ellin]

I can't see the lov of my life as just a learning experience. He had shaken my reality by just cutting me off. I don't understand it. I dont understand how someone so kind and gentle and caring that he couldn't leave her he said because it would ruin her life and likely kill her literally- could be so cruel to someone who has only ever been gentle and loving to him.

 

ML, giving him the "title" of the love of your life only adds drama to the situation.

 

He is just a guy you feel strongly about right now, and have for some time, and because he came into your life in a very complicated and difficult set-up, the feelings are stronger than they probably would have been if you were just a regular couple.

 

Chances are, he's not the love of your life...

[SidLyon]

I'm looking for anyone who can relate. I see a lot of women who go NC because they've had enough. I see a lot who ended it and their MM accepted (eventually) and mutually went NC. I see some whose Mm ended it gently saying they did love you.

 

But is there anyone else who just had the Mm stop talking to them without explanation, then eventually just sent a cruelly worded email saying it was all your fault and it was over and never wanted to hear from you again?

 

I feel like NC forced on me is very different from NC chosen for my own needs.

 

My H was also (apparently) a kind and gentle man, but he had a years long affair too with a MOW.

 

When I found out after 6 years(!) I felt like I was going to die. He was in the position of needing to make some choices. Because of what he'd done none of his choices were going to be easy.

 

Obviously the OW was willing to continue with him while he was married, but I was not willing to stay married to him if he was going to keep seeing her. I was willing to try to reconcile though, but not if I was going to have to share him.

 

It was his choice what to do next, and he decided he too was going to try to reconcile. As far as I was concerned he had to be "all in" with me, or he could leave. He worked out for himself that he was going to have to end it with the OW. I insisted on transparency with me, but not the wording of the e-mail he sent her ending it. For some reason he wasn't willing to tell her he actually loved her. I expect he realized that wouldn't go down well with me.

 

He really wanted to let her down lightly, as her own husband had just died, but I expect she found his NC e-mail to be cold. He did apologize to her for hurting her but made it plain to her that he was more sorry for hurting me.

 

I'm pretty sure he loved her but when it came to the crunch she wasn't the most important one.

 

It's actually quite common that the MM goes NC with the OW, after a d-day. You're not unique and I imagine my H's OW was hurting much more than many others in a similar situation because of her own H's death.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting but you will eventually be able to "let go". It take time.

[jwi71]

ML, giving him the "title" of the love of your life only adds drama to the situation.

 

He is just a guy you feel strongly about right now, and have for some time, and because he came into your life in a very complicated and difficult set-up, the feelings are stronger than they probably would have been if you were just a regular couple.

 

Chances are, he's not the love of your life...

 

You should cough up an update...been awhile since Ive seen you around here...

welcome back!

[MourningLosses]

I've loved him since 2009, that's longer than I was in love with my husband at the beginning of our relationship. He was a much better partner to his wife and dad to his kids than my husband. All my husband cares about is sex and sports. He says it's emasculating to drop a child off at childcare or change a diaper.

[rhw]

my MM hasn't talked to me in 5 months after we were seeing each other again. i sent two emails (just two) a few months after he disappeared wanting to know how he could just pull that shyt on me, someone he's loved for 11 years. (yes, love, no lie). no response. i called him once and asked that he call me back. no response.

 

this either means he took the spineless road and forced NC on me w/o a word (not likely. i know him too well) OR he is under the radar (highly likely). could be she found an email from me or he mentioned my name in conversation. she knows damn well who i am and in 11 years he's never been able to fully let me go so yes, she knows me.

 

my head can go back and forth, turn itself inside out w/ questions. at the end of the day, though, ML ,it really, really doesn't matter how he could do that or why he did. i'm learning this and it's a bitter pill i keep choking on. does he love me? yes. does he care? never any doubt though my mind went there for a minute based on his actions. but i'm really, seriously learning that all his loving and caring isn't going to amount to anything if he won't make the change he needs to make.

 

i am hurt and confused, and missing him terribly. and whether he forced NC on me or if he is gonna be back the second his W lays off of him doesn't really matter. *i* matter to me. and if i matter to him at all, then he knows what he needs to do, which he is clearly NOT doing at the moment.

 

i do feel for you though. it must really suck to receive such a cruel rebuttal to your search for answers. my MM has never been cruel to me, ever. mine has never said, i don't want you in my life or leave me alone or whatever (more evidence to support that he's just under the radar for now). however and please, please don't take this the wrong way, but it really sounds like your xMM is done w/ the r'ship and thus has immaturely ceased contact. perhaps now he's feeling angrier that you refuse to let it go. i bet even my MM who's super soft spoken and loving and pisses himself at confrontation would get angry if i kept at something he clearly cut off. that's why i only emailed twice, the last one being mid June and my vm to him a week later. nothing since then. i'm not trying to play his game or any game, but for whatever reason, he is alive and well and knows how to contact me but ISN'T. and that is telling enough. i'm not gonna keep pushing it to the point where i lose self-respect or his respect.

Edited August 12, 2012 by rhw

[whichwayisup]

Ahhh, the paradox of the MM.

 

And a MW too. Just the way it goes when affairs end. Most don't end well.

[MissBee]

I'm looking for anyone who can relate. I see a lot of women who go NC because they've had enough. I see a lot who ended it and their MM accepted (eventually) and mutually went NC. I see some whose Mm ended it gently saying they did love you.

 

But is there anyone else who just had the Mm stop talking to them without explanation, then eventually just sent a cruelly worded email saying it was all your fault and it was over and never wanted to hear from you again?

 

I feel like NC forced on me is very different from NC chosen for my own needs.

 

Mine didn't send me any cruel emails, but the true and final NC was initiated by him. I had tried to end the A and be friends, which obviously was nothing more than the same relationship but trying to call it something else. Some months later our conversations decreased from everyday to maybe every couple days, to once a week, to once every other week..he would email explaining he was busy with work and all this and he still loved me and so on, until it dwindled completely. I tried to seek out answers but heard nothing from him for a year. A year later on my birthday he emailed me and then also explained why he did what he did.

 

The short of it is that, it was the BEST thing! I wasn't strong enough to initiate NC and keep it....he wasn't either, but he got to that point before me and it didn't matter who did it...it was needed. It truly allowed me to move on and disentangle from that situation...which was much needed. I hated him while going through it...he did come back though, which I suppose helped, but in retrospect, it was the best thing. It's hard to have a break up that both parties are satisfied with, esp in an A. That's the truth. Almost every scenario will leave questions, or why couldn't they have done xyz...basically, if it's not on your time and when you want it, you'll feel hurt and even resentful. I know him being cruel in an email probably adds salt to the wound, but I'd take this forced NC as a blessing in disguise and not a curse. I'd go with it and use it to move forward...as time goes by I'm sure you'll see the benefit in it.

[MourningLosses]

I appreciate that MissBee. I hope I come to see it like that. I hope one day we can be civil. Right now I am in such pain and part of that is not knowing what lies and rumors his wife might be telling my colleagues who are her friends. Also she could tell my husband and blow up my last support, my husband. I think he's fairly hard to find and I hope she thinks he already knows some of it and so she might nt think revenge is possible with him. She may even think he knows more than she does.

[beach]

I appreciate that MissBee. I hope I come to see it like that. I hope one day we can be civil. Right now I am in such pain and part of that is not knowing what lies and rumors his wife might be telling my colleagues who are her friends. Also she could tell my husband and blow up my last support, my husband. I think he's fairly hard to find and I hope she thinks he already knows some of it and so she might nt think revenge is possible with him. She may even think he knows more than she does.

 

You've created a complicated life with all these lies and cover ups. It makes it harder to be happy. Why not try honesty with your H?

[MourningLosses]

Beach I cannot do that. He would for sure leave me and I would be worse off. I have faced that possibility but I won't invite it.

[MourningLosses]

LG she was and is too scared to do it I hope. But I have some insurance on that.And I don't Regina it matters who it comes from, he'll go just the same.

[woinlove]

I appreciate that MissBee. I hope I come to see it like that. I hope one day we can be civil. Right now I am in such pain and part of that is not knowing what lies and rumors his wife might be telling my colleagues who are her friends. Also she could tell my husband and blow up my last support, my husband. I think he's fairly hard to find and I hope she thinks he already knows some of it and so she might nt think revenge is possible with him. She may even think he knows more than she does.

 

I don't think it is very important what is said. Those you have your own relationship with, will base their impression on that. For others, it won't be very important. Just try to focus on the things you do control and that really matter. MissBee is right, his NC gives you a gift and the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept it so that you can move on. You've been so focussed on his W, and I think that can only bring more pain. Focus on you and your life, what you want to do about your own M.

[Mme. Chaucer]

NC is "forced upon" people regularly. It happens when one person is DONE and the other one isn't. It's not always agreed upon nicely between two people.

 

From the way you post here, it seems obvious that only very strict and even harsh measures are going to work for this man to be able to carry on with his life without your interference.

 

If you really believe that your husband is your "only support," you need to focus on him and your relationship or else walk away from that.

 

Your obsession with a married man who had a fling with you seems to be sick.

[MissBee]

Beach I cannot do that. He would for sure leave me and I would be worse off. I have faced that possibility but I won't invite it.

 

Well ML...you will forever live in fear then. As the BS will never not know what she knows, so you'll always be scared that she outs you.

 

If your husband leaves you, so what? You don't want him anyway right? You had an A and wanted and seem to still want the MM...so what's the problem?

 

Nothing is the end of the world, except the end of the world. You and your husband don't have a good marriage and it may be better off if it ends. You fix it or end it and you can't fix it atop lies.

[rhw]

when i first came to this site a few weeks ago, i was a mess (ok, still kind of am but not nearly as bad now) and was trying to just get through the hump that was my MMs bday. and yes, i didn't want to see anything other than the belief i clung to. i too was solely angry at his W. all my anger was directed at her because i didn't want to be angry at him. that wasn't a dynamic i was ready for. it was much easier for me to think of him being with someone who controlled his life, kept him from being happy. so, ML, please understand i get that misplaced tunnel-vision of anger. i do.

 

i've noticed just about every recent thread in this forum is dominated by your refusal to see what's laid out in front of you, as you try to see the flipside of everything. it's like a house of mirrors where you're distorting everything. you said it yourself; he's said a few times, cc'ing his W, that he is done. when one person says it's done, it's DONE. over. finito. dead in the water. it really, really sucks but you still got the finality. he gave that to you (in a crappy way, albeit, but still).

 

for me personally, i know my MM has always found ways to get in contact w/ me whenever he wanted to and nothing W could say or do would stop him. he's left all windows of contact (except fb) open- same ph #, same email unblocked to me, skype unblocked,etc. thankfully, i'm trying hard to pay attention the long road ahead of me w/o being distracted by the blindingly obvious billboards of communication he's not verbally, actively expressing. he knows how to reach me. he isn't trying to and therefore, neither am i. his W has nothing to do with it. in fact, much earlier this year when i said i wanted to see him, i fully expected him to say no but he wanted to see me just as much. he said he wasn't sure how thrilled his W would be to find out we were seeing each other but that this wasn't so much her deal as his. he said it clearly, "i'm the paranoid one." so now HE is the paranoid one, afraid of getting caught, afraid of whatever. but it's not HER doing anything to him. it's not HER. i didn't get the call or email to the OW saying it's over, so i know we really arent'. but he couldn't be more obvious with his lack of action.

 

ever heard of free will? if and when he wants to reach me, my MM will. he has before. he will again. but as this deep flesh wound starts to close up a little bit, my tolerance for these particular character traits which i've always put up with in the past will diminish and no matter how much i do and always will love him, there may come a point where this paranoia and conflict avoidant behavior overshadows all that i do love about him. and guess what, i'm finding out that i'm pretty damn angry with him. it's HIM i had/have (?) a relationship with, not her. *he* is the one who must've suddenly thought, oh &*$% i'm getting sucked in this again, i'm gonna get caught, i don't like that radar on me. i'll just ignore the woman i really love and treat her like crap by playing on her deepest insecurity of being left w/o a word and pretend to live a happy life at home w/ my W who i am not attracted to at all. it's a house of mirrors, ML and it's def not fun. but i can see now that SHE (my MM's W) is not holding his balls in one hand and a gun to his head in the other.

 

i am living my life. it's really hard to do that without him here but i am because what other choice do i really have? ok, what *better* choice do i really have? please live your life. consider yourself lucky that he said it's over and focus on yourself and your own kids, if not your own M.

Edited August 12, 2012 by rhw