Is it worth trying to make it work?

[SecretLife2]

Hi everyone. This may turn out long. Sorry.

 

Ive been doing alot of thinking lately. To be honest, i can't ever see a time my husband and i were happy-ever. Except maybe a day here or day there.

 

Lately, ive felt numb to him. My emotions seem to have run out. I dont know how to explain it, i would miss him if he left, i'd be jealous if he was with someone else. I'd feel even worse if he went and tried to get custody of the kids. But im just numb...

 

Ive always been the supportive one. Ive supported him through family loss. Through family problems. Had our children. Done everything myself. But it always seemed one sided.

 

I was the one who was there for his family losses, never there for mine (In fact he gets emotionally abusive if i bring up the fact he "should" act a certain way to be my supporter). Then i end up trying to get myself through the losses by myself. I guess its making me stronger as i learn to mask it and just enjoy my children. Instead of needing a "break" to cope, ive learned to get creative with my sadness and turn it positive to my kids. I think because their happiness makes me feel good.

 

He has spent more then our means on things HE wanted and put us in debt repeatedly. Ive always used every cent to pay it back so the kids would never miss out. But of late, ive looked back and realised they havnt really got everything i would have hoped for them (especially with our means). It seems he has everything, and the money i would love to spend on them is being spent on the things we dont need. To add on to that - when our relationship first started he was so controlling i was not aloud money. He would ban me from using it. No handbags, No haircuts, No clothes. Then he would involve his mother and twist it to make it look like all i do is upset him. Then she would end up screaming at me as well for mistreating her son. It wouldnt have been such a stab at me, if i wasnt new in the town and felt like the person i was with and the people i should of been able to rely on were constantly hurting me.

 

His actions towards me have never gotten better. He still upsets me now. He did stop his spending, but now has tight budgets on us so we cant even do things, and that upsets me.

 

His boss and himself are in really good terms. He works 60-70 hours a week, does extra at home and is never there for us. We are now looking at home loans. We found out that with our kids, and myself not working we need {x} amount of extra money per week to afford to loan without a wage from me.

 

How exciting we thought. His boss said he would pay him the extra to cover it (Since his boss owns the house we were looking at)

 

So we went to the bank with that info.

 

Then his boss decided that they would "fake" a job for me. Since hubby works so much for extra, and just pay me the extra money. I wouldnt have to work because hubby was already doing the hours. It was just easier.

 

So we went to the bank with that (all mind you, in a house i didnt want to buy - but again supporting my hubby in a life dream of his)

 

I was told i would not have to work. But now at 31 weeks pregnant, as the bank is processing the new information his boss decided i MUST work if i want that extra money.

 

My husband, being the emotionally absuive person he is , came to me with this information and made out how lazy i am if i wont do it for our family. I have 2 young children , and soon will have 3 ages 3 and under!

 

Not only that, but they wanted me straight back at work. Literally take the week off to recover and come back.

 

I think this was the tipping stone for me. My husband couldnt see my poin t of view. That everything keeps getting changed. That im too far along to START work, and that i want time to recover.

 

I spoke to him about it and he went on about how im pretty much letting us down, and if we dont buy now we might as well kiss that idea goodbye because we will never be able to afford it again .

 

Im sick of this now.

Im sick of cleaning 24-7

cooking all the meals

parenting all the time

doing all the baths

doing all the stuff at home

getting up all hours of the night to our young kids with NO help (even if i ask for some)

 

then him expecting me to work.

 

Im sick of feeling lazy for being at home with the kids.

 

Im sick of being mistreated because of it.

 

Theres so many more things, but i fear noone will read this as it is because its so long.

 

Im just at my wits end. And even though he says he will get help. He has done that 3 times in our relationship and never sticks it out. Im just over it.

 

Its hard, i think because im the one who has been trying, it would hurt me more if we broke up, even if i initiated it.

 

-

[Garfish]

Well first of all he shouldn't be verbally abusing you while you are pregnant (or ever, really, but we all get upset with each other at times). What brought you two together? It sounds like financial and household stress is really what is tearing you apart. Also, why does he have to go to his mother and get her against you? That's pretty weird. Is he just a mama's boy? She should but out of this, or better yet tell him to buckle down and take care of his pregnant wife.

 

You have a complicated set of circumstances... have you sought some counseling? Please take care of yourself while you are pregnant... you shouldn't be cleaning the house at this time. Maybe I'm old fashioned but the guy is supposed to take care of all that stuff while the wife is pregnant. Can you get some help from your family?

 

Remember to keep your children in focus during this mess...

Edited August 12, 2012 by Garfish
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[Athena]

No one can make you do something you do not want to do. You just seem to do the typical good girl/good wife thing and dutifully do everything the way your husband wants you to do.

 

You REALLY need to object and stand up for yourself. What do you think the worst thing is that your husband can do to you if you just say, "No"?

Will he divorce you? Good then once you get over him, you enjoy a normal life with your children in your custody and him out the house.

Will he be more abusive to you? The trick is to scream right back at him - sorry, but I learned this from my mother-in-law and it works just fine. Give him some of his own right back. Don't be timid.

 

If your husband tries to bully you into this job, tell him he can still buy the house from his boss, if his boss holds onto it for x amount of time, and you both can buy the house from the boss in one years time, if you decide to do so. But for now, the answer is no.

 

No is a powerful word. Just try saying it. No one can make you do otherwise (unless they put a gun to your head, and then you can still choose not to, but if your husband gets abusive, then call the police on him).

[meeji]

sounds like you are in a pickle. Your husband seems to have realized how to push all of your boundaries to the point where you'll do just what he wants. Ending a marriage is a big deal especially when kids are involved but you know what... sometimes, you have to do what you have to do.

 

1: if you are leave him, do you have somewhere to go or some way to sustain yourself until after you have your baby and get back on your feet? Family?

 

2. Is it even possible to get away from this guy? Will he crazy and try to hurt you or your children if you try to leave?

 

3. If you decline his proposal to get a job so he can get his dream house, is he going to be abusive towards you for crushing his dream?

 

4. If you get punished for saying how you feel or refusing to be someone's puppet, it sounds like you need to get out of that situation.

 

There are many things to consider here and its a tough decision to make but...if the man will abuse you, he probably would abuse your children. If your heart is not into it, you should go. Take the kids and go and work out the custody details later, in court if it escalates to that. Its not good for you to be his punching bag. Its not good for the children to be in the middle of that. Believe it or not, they know when things are off and no matter how much you fake a smile, they can probably sense your sadness. If your husband cared about you, he would be able to sense it too.

 

Maybe you can talk to him and tell him that you are thinking about leaving and let him know what needs to happen in order for you to stay..but if he's going to try to stop you then maybe you shouldn't... I don't know how bad your situation is...

 

Think about what is important to you, what is best for your kids, and what is best for everyone.. Getting a house with someone that you don't even love sounds like the first mistake.