New marriage stumbling

[James77]

I'd really welcome some advice, as I've just got married and am not really sure who to ask, and I'm worried about the situation.

 

Essentially, we got married two months ago, and quite a few negative things have come together at once, and I'm really starting to worry about our relationship - and it feels terrible to be thinking that when we only got married so recently.

 

A year ago my now wife lost her job. She also lost her mother. She took a new job, and that was a nightmare and didn't work out. This is all terrible, of course, and I've tried to be really supportive.

 

However, for the last nine months or so, she hasn't worked or tried to find a new job. She has now decided to train as a teacher, won a place on a training course, and I've supported her in that.

 

We went on honeymoon for three and a half weeks, as I had time off as I'm moving to a new job.

 

A couple of days after getting back from honeymoon, she went away to look after her father overseas, and will be there for two and a half weeks. I had agreed to this without thinking, but it's a really long time that she's away.

 

I'm now upset about a combination of things:

 

- her father seems to get loads of her attention, and this only seems to encourage him to do less for himself. And I suffer as a result. But if I complain about this I risk sounding heartless. After all, he is old and frail, and I'm not. But is it a good idea for her to go away for two and a half weeks when we've just got married? And how long can this go on for?

 

- she hasn't worked for nine months, and apart from the lack of financial contribution, I also feel this was unwise. Even voluntary work would have had some value. She says she needed time out after the death of her mother, but I see no evidence it helped. On the contrary: she took up a martial art class, and that seemed to do more good than anything else. Was I too kind? Should I have forced to go out and do something?

 

- I seem to have to take responsibility for everything, and make all the decisions. In the end, I made all the decisions for our honeymoon, booked everything, and when I tried to solicit what she'd like to do, got very little back. This isn't the first time this has happened.

 

I've tried to summarise above, but sorry it's a bit long-winded. Essentially, my problem is that I feel that I'm having to take responsibility for everything, and that makes me resent the way her father behaves (for example, he has given us no wedding present at all, or any contribution of any kind to our wedding) more than I would otherwise.

 

When she does things, she often doesn't do them thoroughly, or with much thought or focus. In contrast, when I do things I think very carefully, do lots of research, try to think strategically, etc. Because she doesn't do that, I don't feel I can delegate much.

 

At the same time, I fear that the root cause of all this is a lack of confidence and determination on her part.

 

If I raise the issues above, and say how I feel, she agrees, and starts crying, and saying she feels inadequate, and realises she's been rubbish.

 

What do I do? Try to build her confidence, pile on compliments, encouragement, build her up, I guess? Or kick butt, and tell her to get off her ass and start showing some initiative? Is it possible to do both?

 

Of course, I can't do much now... because she's abroad looking after her father (here I go again).

 

I'm also worried about her teacher training: I don't see much evidence of her tackling the preparation in a systematic, determined way, and worry this will lead to yet another disaster.

 

I guess I'm just sick of bad news. She loses her job. She loses her next job. Her mum dies. Her dad is diagnosed with a medical condition. Her family won't do anything to help with the wedding. She's upset. She feels inadequate.

 

Good grief... we're just-married. Can't she just get a job, go to work, and us have a nice life?

 

At the same time, being in our late mid-thirties, if we want kids, all my research says we need to start trying now.

 

Realise I'm ranting... but I just don't know what to do, and I really just want us to be happy.

 

You don't know people on boards like this, and I'm being deliberately anonymous (understandably). But I'm a really generous, caring person.

 

However, we've just got married, and I really want her to focus on us, support us, do what's best for our long-term future, and with a need to try for children, amid a recession, and so on, feel she really needs to get a grip - or we're just going to have turmoil indefinitely.

 

By the way: I've asked her if there is anything I can and should be doing, but she says I've done loads to support her, she loves me, and she wants things to be better (and cries). As has happened previously - but with no real improvement.

 

Thank god I'm starting a new job, which should be stable, bring in a decent middle-class wage.

[TaraMaiden]

Where are you from, James?

 

What country are you in?

Are you both the same nationality?

Where does her father live?

[James77]

England, and she's French, with father in France.

But the middle of France, so it's a whole day's travelling to get there.

[Confused in STL]

Good time to get involved in marriage counseling. Sometimes it is helpful to have someone point out things that is not in the relationship. Harder for people to manulapulate the accuser by claiming a motivation that creates guilt.

[stillafool]

You would think since your wife is in her mid thirties her career would already be on track. When I first started reading your thread I imagined she was in her early to mid twenties. Wow, I feel for you. I feel for her losing her mom and now her dad is sickly too.

[James77]

I think it's a really difficult situation.

 

Part of my job has actually involved crisis management and dealing with difficult situations. I don't want to go into detail... but I'm usually very good at dealing with challenges, and challenging situations... but this one has me very stretched.

 

On the one hand it's the multitude of challenges: her dad being long-term ill and overseas, her mother having died, her other relatives being useless, her family not having done the kind of pre-old-age planning that mine would have done (they hadn't sat down together and discussed things like long-term care).

 

And that's just the family stuff. Then you have her losing a job, the next one being terrible (she had no chance; they were shambolic in the way they treated her), and this then leading to her wanting to pack it in, and change careers.

 

But this then means a career change amid a difficult family situation, against the background of a recession, amid getting married. Can we add trying for children to that? And if we don't, will biology hand us a whole heap of new problems, practical or emotional?

 

What's also apparent is that my response to a crisis situation is to hunker down, really get to the root of all the problems, and then start eliminating them ruthlessly, as fast as possible (those that can be dealt with quickly), in a very rigorous, disciplined, strategic way.

 

Part of my problem is that her response to a bad situation is more like a hedgehog. Curl up in a ball.

 

It's quite helpful writing this down, actually. One thing that's apparent is that there's just too many battles on too many fronts. And they're intractable.

 

What would I advise myself... Well, to shut down every battle possible and focus on the few, or ideally one, that matters right now.

 

Of course, I must also keep in mind: lots of people have far harder situations. I think of people who, for example, look after a disabled relative full-time, or who have no money (fortunately we're not in that situation), and how incredibly hard it must be for them.

 

All I want is for us both to have jobs, to go to work happily, come home, have kids, enjoy being married and have some nice weekends, without too much to worry about.

 

I probably need to reconcile myself with the fact that this seemingly modest goal isn't going to be easy. I mean, if she gets pregnant, her new career isn't going to happen anyway.

 

It's old-fashioned, but maybe I just need to get used to the idea that from now on, I'm the breadwinner, and she's basically a housewife, and aim for kids - and getting promoted as much as possible as fast as possible at work, focus everything on earning money.

[James77]

Hi LFH,

 

Thanks for your post, which I read and considered. I'm a bit puzzled by some bits though - perhaps I can explain which?

 

You write 'She should "get over her mother's death"?', as if this was something I said - or at least, that was how I took your post above.

 

But I know, absolutely, that I don't think that, or think like that, and I've also looked back at what I wrote, to see if I wrote something in haste that i didn't mean, and I don't think I said that. I'd really like to make that clear.

 

I actually think bereavement is very hard, and I know from experience that the effects can last for years, and it's very tough - and there's no simple solution, you can't find an answer hurry recovery of sorts. And indeed I think you might be right about depression - my only feeling here, really, is that if that's the case, then being at home doing nothing might not necessarily help that.

 

Also, you say that I say that I say that she hasn't worked for 7 months, but actually it's 9 months. But I can see this is a minor point - doesn't alter the thrust of what you said. It's more that she hasn't been trying to find work, rather than not working.

 

You ask if I'm "a big enough boy" to deal with her going away for two and a half weeks. I'm sorry you use that language, as it sort of implies that if I'm unhappy, and her being away is one reason for it (which it is - I miss her, and I wish that after our wedding we could be enjoying our marriage happily; it seems unfair that we can't), then that's some failing as a man. And I'm sorry you see it that way.

 

I probably also didn't explain that she's been away at her dad's for a quarter of the last six months in total, in before the wedding and now after it, which is quite a lot of time at the start of a marriage, I think. Would others find that tough?

 

In a way, I'm surprised I do. It hasn't really troubled me, and (perhaps like you?) I think it's ridiculous when you have couples where one person can't go anywhere without the other. Freedom and one's own space is a good thing.

 

What's difficult is that I actually completely understand why she's away looking after her father, once again, and now just after we've got married. I understand why she has spent so much time there. This is what makes it so very difficult.

 

I actually came across this board because while pondering life, I found myself a bit irritated by the fact that her father gave us no wedding present at all. I wasn't baffled by this for material reasons - even if he'd just given us a bottle of wine it would have been a nice gesture, or written me a letter, or something. But he did nothing, and I wondered if I was right to feel a bit vexed.

 

It's not a big deal to me.. but I googled the issue and up came this board, where people had discussed this issue. I wanted to see if other people who experienced were a bit put out by it - and indeed they were. One of the main reasons I'm annoyed here is because my wife is a bit upset embarrassed and put out by it. I mean, really: your daughter gets married and you do nothing. I feel sorry for her.

 

Also, I'd care less, except it seems that while my wife is going away to look after him, waiting on him hand and foot, he hasn't even given her some token to congratulate us. I'm unequivocal on this: I think he's selfish and ungrateful, and I normally like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

Anyway, a wider range of issues were troubling me, and perhaps I posted as a way to vent some concerns. Also, it's interesting to hear what people have to say to them - you included. And I appreciate what you say.

[James77]

Oh - one quick final thought. I can quite understand how you, and possibly others, might infer a lack of compassion.

My description is, of necessity, less than complete or comprehensive.

To some extent though, I'm reflecting fatigue after so much compassion has been given in under a year, and also reflecting feelings that one has to hide a bit, if one's compassionate.

Eg, a bit of me would like to tell her father that I think he's ungrateful and inconsiderate as I say (and he really is - there's more detail here, trust me), but it would upset my wife.

I can't help feeling that way though, and bottling it up all the time is draining.

[TaraMaiden]

The French Are Different.

 

As single people, they're charming, funny and extremely affable.

 

As a nation, they're xenophobic, insular, selfish and they look after number one.

they will die for family - no matter how dysfunctional, warped, unreasonable and bloody-minded 'family' is. That's their priority, and they're loyal - even though they complain like stink about 'family' when they're not with them.

The classic Gallic shrug doesn't mean 'Je ne sais pas' it means 'Je m'en fou', and it's usually accompanied by a small vocal raspberry, made by sticking the lower lip out like a bulldog, pressed against the upper lip...

they truly give a damn, and buddy, you can't change the Constitution on your own.

and you're British. Amazing.

I think it's remarkable that you managed to marry her, but you'll never be 'part of 'la famille'.

 

I lived in France for 6 years. My (English) FiL still lives there with his wife, and they have done for the past 23 years. She even took on French nationality.

hopeless.

They're still known as "les anglais fous" and have problems integrating in the village they've lived in for 10 years now....

 

I wish you "Bonne chance, mon brave."

 

You're going to need it.

[James77]

Dear Tara,

Thanks for your message - it made be laugh. And I needed that.

Funnily enough, my wife doesn't think much of the French, despite being one.

I don't think her father doesn't approve - I just think (sorry, know) that he doesn't really do anything much that's kind for anyone. Her siblings, the same.

To be honest, I sort of don't give a toss about him now, beyond my wife's sense of duty, and respecting that.

A bit of me feels that if he can't be bothered to say thank you, to contribute to our wedding, to do anything nice for my wife and his daughter when she's cleaning his house, then fine - but don't expect us to do anything for you, pal.

Except that because he's family, you can't do that.

There's irony: he's got much more to gain from my friendship, than me from his, I extend my hand of friend, and with me that means a willingness to help my friends in all kinds of ways (as our wedding showed, I have a remarkably great friends, and a lot of them) - and he doesn't really do anything.

Anyway, I feel a bit better having got things off my chest. Thanks to this board for that.

[James77]

I'll be v brief - much to cover.

 

First, huge thanks for what you say above, and you are of course right in that didn't (inevitably) convey everything.

 

Second, you were... can I say slight abrupt. But you know what, your point about situational depression is very likely true, and whilst I was sort of that, you offered a bit of a kick up the arse to weight it more heavily.

 

Third, agree re counselling. And she wanted this and was arranging, but it never materialised (a wrong address, then they had an appointment but it wouldn't work, and then...). This was frustrating to hear (a bit of me wanted to say "sort it out, or find somewhere else to get counselling). But if you're depressed.. that's when you don't sort stuff out. It's challenging dealing with someone who's depressed - and not a challenge you overcome with heroism or personal excelling.

 

Fourth, I'm fiercely independent too. I guess, though, that a bit of you feels when under attack that you want your flock where you can see them, and your people around you, if that makes sense?

 

Fifth, when I wrote the above I can see I was in a terrible mood. Still, it's true that we face really tough, grinding challenges that are horribly unfair (to come at once, to all stem from my wife's side (unfair on her even more than me to be clear), and to come just when we've got married, and when we want (partly out of necessity) to be trying for kids. Still, in a better mood now I feel happier amid the challenges we face.

 

So thanks for all the above. I have perhaps used this forum as a bit of an emotional dumping ground. But perhaps many find that helpful, that's a good thing to be able to vent sometimes. Either way, I'm grateful for the advice and thoughts above.

Edited August 13, 2012 by James77

[James77]

Thanks, I was going to drop you a personal message to say thanks in more detail, but I'm not sure it's possible on this forum.

 

You're insightful.

 

The symptoms of depression (being ineffectual, being crippled by angst, and more) are at odds with the sort of things that help overcome it (exercise, being busy, doing things that make one feel worthwhile) - that's one of the things that makes it a problem.

 

I didn't articulate this clearly, I'm sure, re not working for 9 months. My upset was that I felt that exercise, doing charity work, doing a craft work course, going to work... none of these would cure bereavement (nothing can), but all of them would do something to combat depression (if only while they were being done). Or in other words: anything was better than sitting at home alone while I went to work - perhaps the worst thing to do.

 

Anyway...

 

I'm not surprised if you get some flak for being so blunt (sorry - I hope you don't mind me saying this, or think it in any way detracts from my gratitude for the valuable point you make).

 

But one can't ask for candour, and then take offence at bluntness.

 

You've been helpful by crystalising my thoughts. Perhaps I should look for another incident on this board where I might have some kind of insight, and contribute it. A form of reciprocation. Anyway, thank you.

[Hira]

I must say that you make a wrong decision to go her alone as you are newly couple and you need to spend lots of time together. I hope things will not gone in a wrong way.

[TaraMaiden]

I'll be v brief - much to cover.

 

First, huge thanks for what you say above, and you are of course right in that didn't (inevitably) convey everything.

Nobody can. Otherwise you might as well write you auto- and her Biography... background helps to form a picture, but there's just no way anyone can include everything - which is where distortion occurs, misunderstandings arise and things can actually become more - not less - complicated. How can anyone relay everything relevant or poignant in a few lines...?

 

Second, you were... can I say slight abrupt. But you know what, your point about situational depression is very likely true, and whilst I was sort of that, you offered a bit of a kick up the arse to weight it more heavily.

I'm receiving a certain amount of flak for that at the moment, but sometimes, the kick-up-the-arse approach honestly works. Bizarrely, while contributors in the thread have berated and criticised me, often, the thread's OP has actually thanked me - so "Who knows what is good? Who knows what is bad?"

 

Third, agree re counselling. And she wanted this and was arranging, but it never materialised (a wrong address, then they had an appointment but it wouldn't work, and then...). This was frustrating to hear (a bit of me wanted to say "sort it out, or find somewhere else to get counselling). But if you're depressed.. that's when you don't sort stuff out. It's challenging dealing with someone who's depressed - and not a challenge you overcome with heroism or personal excelling.

One thing I usually mention to those who are living close to someone coping with depression is this:

you can't 'fix' her. You can love, support and try to understand her, and have empathy for her, but 'fixing' her is her issue, and one she has to be able to recognise,and deal with.

You aren't her therapist. I'm not suggesting at all, that you've implied you are, or that she is subconsciously treating you as such.

What I mean is, that ,that is an arduous and challenging role, and one that someone equipped professionally to do it, should be taking on. Don't ever be conned - by your own mind, or her emotions, into believing that you 'should' do this, or you 'should' be like that.... be by her side, but the effort, ultimately, is on her. Support - but don't enable....

 

Fourth, I'm fiercely independent too. I guess, though, that a bit of you feels when under attack that you want your flock where you can see them, and your people around you, if that makes sense?

I get this completely.... we feel 'strong' - but somewhat comforted with a buffer zone at our shoulders....

 

 

Fifth, when I wrote the above I can see I was in a terrible mood.

I think this is a wonderful, pertinent and apt reminder to me, certainly, that the words we respond to in a post, actually belong to a living, vibrant emotional human being, and that they're going through some kind of s.h.i.t at present. They're not just articulated words on a page, but a demonstrable action of reaching out.

Most times.

 

(other times, some folks is just dumb.... )

 

Still, it's true that we face really tough, grinding challenges that are horribly unfair (to come at once, to all stem from my wife's side (unfair on her even more than me to be clear), and to come just when we've got married, and when we want (partly out of necessity) to be trying for kids. Still, in a better mood now I feel happier amid the challenges we face.

 

May I ask, why you should be trying for kids 'partly out of necessity', if that's not too personal a question?

 

(Oh and incidentally - one month's active membership and over 100 posts will give you PM privileges. unless you subscribe, then it's immediate.)

 

So thanks for all the above. I have perhaps used this forum as a bit of an emotional dumping ground. But perhaps many find that helpful, that's a good thing to be able to vent sometimes. Either way, I'm grateful for the advice and thoughts above.

Better you dump them here than on someone else, or worse still, keep them bottled up....

'La vie en rose', it always isn't, but nothing great, comes without effort.

[Radu]

I'd really welcome some advice, as I've just got married and am not really sure who to ask, and I'm worried about the situation.

 

Essentially, we got married two months ago, and quite a few negative things have come together at once, and I'm really starting to worry about our relationship - and it feels terrible to be thinking that when we only got married so recently.

This is why one looks at the engagement as a sort of ... trial period. Maybe you don't want to buy the car so you take it out on an extended test-drive.

 

A year ago my now wife lost her job. She also lost her mother. She took a new job, and that was a nightmare and didn't work out. This is all terrible, of course, and I've tried to be really supportive.

Good for you, it is the right thing to do, to be supportive of your wife.

 

However, for the last nine months or so, she hasn't worked or tried to find a new job. She has now decided to train as a teacher, won a place on a training course, and I've supported her in that.

Don't they make very little ?

 

We went on honeymoon for three and a half weeks, as I had time off as I'm moving to a new job.

 

A couple of days after getting back from honeymoon, she went away to look after her father overseas, and will be there for two and a half weeks. I had agreed to this without thinking, but it's a really long time that she's away.

Across the English channel is not 'overseas'.

They made a tunnel a while back, wonderfull contraption, trains can go through it.

 

I'm now upset about a combination of things:

 

- her father seems to get loads of her attention, and this only seems to encourage him to do less for himself. And I suffer as a result. But if I complain about this I risk sounding heartless. After all, he is old and frail, and I'm not. But is it a good idea for her to go away for two and a half weeks when we've just got married? And how long can this go on for?

 

- she hasn't worked for nine months, and apart from the lack of financial contribution, I also feel this was unwise. Even voluntary work would have had some value. She says she needed time out after the death of her mother, but I see no evidence it helped. On the contrary: she took up a martial art class, and that seemed to do more good than anything else. Was I too kind? Should I have forced to go out and do something?

 

- I seem to have to take responsibility for everything, and make all the decisions. In the end, I made all the decisions for our honeymoon, booked everything, and when I tried to solicit what she'd like to do, got very little back. This isn't the first time this has happened.

Leaving right after honeymoon to take good care of her daddy better be because daddy is in a life&death situation. Otherwise it's kind of a betrayal of marriage vows. I'm in the christian orthodox church, and over here this kind of situation would be interpreted as 'her family is messing with your newly formed family' ... it would not be seen as right.

I think you should have given her a kick in the ass to do something ... anything.

The last one is a big one and kinda changes all that you wrote so far, because it indicates either that she is very much into a traditional marriage [man in charge, woman leaves big decisions to him and can give input], or it shows insecurity at her core, which is something that can't be adressed easily, especially at your ages.

 

I've tried to summarise above, but sorry it's a bit long-winded. Essentially, my problem is that I feel that I'm having to take responsibility for everything, and that makes me resent the way her father behaves (for example, he has given us no wedding present at all, or any contribution of any kind to our wedding) more than I would otherwise.

Not even a bottle of wine ?

 

When she does things, she often doesn't do them thoroughly, or with much thought or focus. In contrast, when I do things I think very carefully, do lots of research, try to think strategically, etc. Because she doesn't do that, I don't feel I can delegate much.

This is a big one.

Not everyone can think like you do, but what i get from what you say is that she lacks motivation, she does everything half-assed.

This is a very big one.

 

At the same time, I fear that the root cause of all this is a lack of confidence and determination on her part.

I think you are right.

 

If I raise the issues above, and say how I feel, she agrees, and starts crying, and saying she feels inadequate, and realises she's been rubbish.

 

What do I do? Try to build her confidence, pile on compliments, encouragement, build her up, I guess? Or kick butt, and tell her to get off her ass and start showing some initiative? Is it possible to do both?

First of all, a woman crying should mean nothing.

Because on one hand we are conditioned to throw ourselves at one because it activates the damsel in distress circuit, because some women will cry out of anything, and because women instinctively learn to cry to get their way.

This is not a put down to any woman reading this, it's a lesson for the OP, a woman crying is not the end of the world.

 

Of course, I can't do much now... because she's abroad looking after her father (here I go again).

 

I'm also worried about her teacher training: I don't see much evidence of her tackling the preparation in a systematic, determined way, and worry this will lead to yet another disaster.

Considering what you wrote, yes ... this could be a problem.

Teaching is not exactly roses either.

At the college level, it takes upwards to a decade and a PhD to get a professorship, maybe more.

At the HS or school level you need a very thick skin, and a great determination.

Many women who teach at the school level see themselves as the '2nd mommy, the one from school' and get their determination this way.

Even though at the HS level, things sometimes quiet down and the kids become more focused, it's still tough.

It's a mostly thankless job, which doesn't pay much.

It's a job for which you need some sort of inner confidence to do, to not get depressed even more.

A constant supply of inner confidence.

 

I guess I'm just sick of bad news. She loses her job. She loses her next job. Her mum dies. Her dad is diagnosed with a medical condition. Her family won't do anything to help with the wedding. She's upset. She feels inadequate.

 

Good grief... we're just-married. Can't she just get a job, go to work, and us have a nice life?

Apparently not, her dad is the problem, that's where it all comes from.

 

At the same time, being in our late mid-thirties, if we want kids, all my research says we need to start trying now.

You guys as a couple, yes.

Her, alone ... yes.

You, alone ... nope.

This is a very important distinction, and i'll get to why below.

 

Realise I'm ranting... but I just don't know what to do, and I really just want us to be happy.

 

You don't know people on boards like this, and I'm being deliberately anonymous (understandably). But I'm a really generous, caring person.

Everyone says that.

 

However, we've just got married, and I really want her to focus on us, support us, do what's best for our long-term future, and with a need to try for children, amid a recession, and so on, feel she really needs to get a grip - or we're just going to have turmoil indefinitely.

You are right.

 

By the way: I've asked her if there is anything I can and should be doing, but she says I've done loads to support her, she loves

me, and she wants things to be better (and cries). As has happened previously - but with no real improvement.

 

Thank god I'm starting a new job, which should be stable, bring in a decent middle-class wage.

This could be trouble.

 

----

 

Ok, bottom line.

 

I think you need to treat this marriage as a trial thing, just like you should have treated the engagement period.

She has serious insecurities and her level of attachement to her dad is ... unhealthy to say the least.

Unfortunately at her age, she is quite set in her ways.

So she needs to break this cycle and get out there, do something or else you are looking at a symbiotic type relationship.

You in a great marriage, her mooching off like a leach off your imagined relationship.

 

Your ages are a problem for conceiving only for her, not for you.

Stay in shape, and you will most likely not have any problems.

Remember that men in their late 30's can get women in their late 20's.

 

Do not bring a child into this, because then you she will end up with an easy to push button for you to dance to.

Just like her dad did to her.

 

Do not tell her it's a trial thing.

Decide that for the next yr you will do your best to make this marriage work, to have her get over her problems.

If she doesn't, move on, divorce.

If she does, the baby plan is back on track.

Remember that you can freeze eggs as well as sperm, and the surrogate mother option in India costs just 20k $.

There are child options for the two of you.

 

PS: Listen to TM.

[KathyM]

I think you're putting too many demands on your wife. She recently lost her mother AND lost her job AND has an ill father. She was in no condition mentally to marry and take on a husband. But now that that ship has sailed, you need to stop making more demands on her. Stop pressuring her to get a job or to start a family. She can't deal with all the demands all at once. If her father is ill and can't take care of himself, she needs to be there for him until she can find someone else (a paid nurse or other services) to take over his care. You need to be understanding and supportive of this. Help her and encourage her to make plans for his care so that she will be able to come home, rather than just pressure her to come home. And when she does come home, then stop pressuring her to get a job. She has chosen to become a teacher, and she has made plans to train in that. You, as her husband, need to be supportive of her efforts to find her career path, and that will mean she'll be spending her time studying, not working an outside job, so I suggest you plan to be the sole breadwinner for quite some time. And stop pressuring her to have kids. I know the clock is ticking, but there's only so much stress and changes a person can handle in a short amount of time. She's in no condition mentally to have children at this point. Put that on the backburner for at least a year, maybe more, until she has had time to recover from all the stress and adjustments in her life. She can't take all this all at once, and you need to stop pressuring and start being supportive of her. You knew her life was messed up when you married her. You can't expect everything to now be perfect and in order just because that is what you want it to be. And you don't throw away a marriage just because your wife doesn't have her act together completely. She's had a tremendous amount of stress and changes in her life over the last year. You need to be understanding of that, supportive of her, and stop pressuring her.

[irin]

I'd really welcome some advice, as I've just got married and am not really sure who to ask, and I'm worried about the situation.

 

Essentially, we got married two months ago, and quite a few negative things have come together at once, and I'm really starting to worry about our relationship - and it feels terrible to be thinking that when we only got married so recently.

A year ago my now wife lost her job. She also lost her mother. She took a new job, and that was a nightmare and didn't work out. This is all terrible, of course, and I've tried to be really supportive.

 

However, for the last nine months or so, she hasn't worked or tried to find a new job. She has now decided to train as a teacher, won a place on a training course, and I've supported her in that.

 

We went on honeymoon for three and a half weeks, as I had time off as I'm moving to a new job.

 

A couple of days after getting back from honeymoon, she went away to look after her father overseas, and will be there for two and a half weeks. I had agreed to this without thinking, but it's a really long time that she's away.

 

I'm now upset about a combination of things:

 

- her father seems to get loads of her attention, and this only seems to encourage him to do less for himself. And I suffer as a result. But if I complain about this I risk sounding heartless. After all, he is old and frail, and I'm not. But is it a good idea for her to go away for two and a half weeks when we've just got married? And how long can this go on for?

 

- she hasn't worked for nine months, and apart from the lack of financial contribution, I also feel this was unwise. Even voluntary work would have had some value. She says she needed time out after the death of her mother, but I see no evidence it helped. On the contrary: she took up a martial art class, and that seemed to do more good than anything else. Was I too kind? Should I have forced to go out and do something?

 

- I seem to have to take responsibility for everything, and make all the decisions. In the end, I made all the decisions for our honeymoon, booked everything, and when I tried to solicit what she'd like to do, got very little back. This isn't the first time this has happened.

 

I've tried to summarise above, but sorry it's a bit long-winded. Essentially, my problem is that I feel that I'm having to take responsibility for everything, and that makes me resent the way her father behaves (for example, he has given us no wedding present at all, or any contribution of any kind to our wedding) more than I would otherwise.

 

When she does things, she often doesn't do them thoroughly, or with much thought or focus. In contrast, when I do things I think very carefully, do lots of research, try to think strategically, etc. Because she doesn't do that, I don't feel I can delegate much.

 

At the same time, I fear that the root cause of all this is a lack of confidence and determination on her part.

 

If I raise the issues above, and say how I feel, she agrees, and starts crying, and saying she feels inadequate, and realises she's been rubbish.

 

What do I do? Try to build her confidence, pile on compliments, encouragement, build her up, I guess? Or kick butt, and tell her to get off her ass and start showing some initiative? Is it possible to do both?

 

Of course, I can't do much now... because she's abroad looking after her father (here I go again).

 

I'm also worried about her teacher training: I don't see much evidence of her tackling the preparation in a systematic, determined way, and worry this will lead to yet another disaster.

 

I guess I'm just sick of bad news. She loses her job. She loses her next job. Her mum dies. Her dad is diagnosed with a medical condition. Her family won't do anything to help with the wedding. She's upset. She feels inadequate.

 

Good grief... we're just-married. Can't she just get a job, go to work, and us have a nice life?

 

At the same time, being in our late mid-thirties, if we want kids, all my research says we need to start trying now.

 

Realise I'm ranting... but I just don't know what to do, and I really just want us to be happy.

 

You don't know people on boards like this, and I'm being deliberately anonymous (understandably). But I'm a really generous, caring person.

 

However, we've just got married, and I really want her to focus on us, support us, do what's best for our long-term future, and with a need to try for children, amid a recession, and so on, feel she really needs to get a grip - or we're just going to have turmoil indefinitely.

 

By the way: I've asked her if there is anything I can and should be doing, but she says I've done loads to support her, she loves me, and she wants things to be better (and cries). As has happened previously - but with no real improvement.

 

Thank god I'm starting a new job, which should be stable, bring in a decent middle-class wage.

 

you are being way too harsh, we all have periods in our lives where we fall sometimes it takes years to get back up.

 

the bolded and underlined: really? its not mission impossible. let her be and let her find her way in life.

[TaraMaiden]

You have to be the most intelligent most cultured person on Loveshack. You hit the nail on the head as to the French culture and family semantics.

 

Thank you!

 

There are actually times when I have been very wrong, but this isn't one of them....

 

C'est domage.