Needy, Insecure Hubby Driving me crazy - When to cut it off?

[travelbug33]

Hi, it's good to be here. This is my first post here. I feel I'm running out of resources: physically, emotionally, physically... I have been married for a year (this past week). Knew my husband for 4 years before we got married (friendship status), although we were only in a dating/intimate relationship for about 6 months before we got married. I saw little signs from the beginning, starting with a little tantrum he threw in my kitchen over his AT&T bill the first week we were dating, although after my research into it, the bill was correct. Little tantrums surfaced after this but the real whammy came around mid July last year. We had a July 29, 2011 wedding planned, but about two weeks before hubby (then fiancé) decided to freak out and throw one of his tantrums, running off to his buddy's house and not telling me where he was for almost 24 hours. And the following morning, cancelled the wedding, notifying me by TEXT MESSAGE. I felt like a bomb had literally been dropped on me and I immediately started thinking about the impact on my life with having to cancel all vendors (even though we knew most of them since we work in the wedding industry), notify my family who was traveling cross country, etc. The love for my job kept me on board when he decided he still wanted to marry me on what was to be our honeymoon. We own two companies in the wedding industry together and I felt at the time I needed to do this. What I endure now is almost more than I can handle. I am about to have a hysterectomy because of possible ovarian cancer at age 33 and my husband still can't get his crap together. He has been in therapy for over a year to deal with childhood hardships since his dad was abusive and his mom is just plain WEIRD and selfish. But he won't take the advice of the counselor and continues to sulk about it and talk about it constantly. We've been in pretty intense couple's counseling since spring time (even though we've gone occasionally over the past year prior to finding our new, amazing therapist) and even there, we spend most our our sessions talking about his parents and how his upbringing influences his actions and behaviors. Barely dedicating any time in therapy to such a trauma as canceling the wedding.

 

I know this all started with my decision to marry him despite his unpredictable behavior and by doing the unthinkable and canceling our wedding only 2 weeks beforehand. However, my current dilemma lies around how much longer to give our relationship. It's been 3-4 months of 2 hour sessions 1-2 times a week in therapy (and thousands of $$$$). In my opinion, we are no better now than we were back then. Our therapist is amazing and teaches us many many things to cope and communicate. HOWEVER, I truly believe my husband can not 'change.' And I use that lightly because he has made a lot of changes, but most of them have to do with growing up (quit smoking weed, quit drinking too much, cut his parents off until they treat him right, etc) but I haven't seen any changes with how he deals with things. He has been grinding my a$$ since Thursday because of a comment I made that he misinterpreted. He is currently in California and I'm in Virginia, as we are in the process of relocating, so he text me like 7-8 times in a row last night making snarky comments and has something to say no matter whether I respond quickly, answer his question directly, or simply ask him questions that I need to know so I can do basic things like pay bills, communicate with our clients, etc. He flips out over the smallest things, a quick tone or comment that he doesn't like will easily turn into many hours or days of him in a tailspin or what I call a "vortex" of his own thoughts. He freaks out, starts with the snide remarks, blames everything on me, and continues to bring up May when I actually left him at our apartment in California after I had clearly told him that I was going to leave for Virginia early so he would have time to work on his family issues in therapy and then we could go into more intense therapy for ourselves. This was because all of our sessions were spent discussing his personal family drama and the stress of his outbursts and tantrums have made me physically ill. I feel like I can't breath, he is constantly pissed off over something. His newest obsession is that when I went to my best friend's house a few weeks ago, I got in the bed with her 14 year old son. He said I lied and slept in the kids' bed instead of the sofa like I had told him I did. GROSS!!! I am a classy, 33 year old woman with morals and values and a super healthy respect for my best friend and her family. I am still appalled he would throw around such a nasty accusation for absolutely no reason. I've never lied or withheld information from him. Unlike him... He has "forgotten" to tell me things and withheld info from me because he didn't want to see or hear my reaction about it.

 

Sorry for the length of this, I just can't hold it in any longer. I have no idea how much longer I want to give this. I am going through enough of my own stuff with my impending permanent loss of my fertility (no children yet either so this means a difficult journey to have a family) and some family illnesses we have going on right now. I think my husband is a negative, depressed, wounded boy who struggles with the simplest of things in life. I know he's made some changes and I've been told to give him time, but my health and sanity is also on the line. Have no idea where to go from here... thanks for listening

[TaraMaiden]

Here's where to go from here:

 

Go to a lawyer, and file.

 

some people will continue going to therapy for the remainder of their lives, because all they do is off-load, seek validation, and use it as a crutch. Going to therapy merely enables their conditions and issues to continue.

the therapist should be giving your H tasks to accomplish, but it sounds like pretty much all the therapist does is act as a big sack your H can dump into - and remove stuff from, to re-cycle the next time.

 

It's part of the cure to wish to be cured.

you can't fix him, and under the influence of his parents, he will never progress....

to cap it all, he found a strong woman that seems prepared to put up with - and even "encourage" his behaviour.

 

Have you given him any conditions?

Ultimatums?

clear definite signals of what you will - and won't - stand for?

Does he know you've reached the end of your tether?

 

It may be high time for you to put your money where your mouth is.

He's only going to believe you're serious - when he SEES you're serious.

[travelbug33]

Tara, Thanks for your reply. I totally appreciate where you are coming from. I totally agree that the therapy may be a lifetime of off-loading, seeking validation and a crutch. I've worried about this since he first began therapy. I keep being reminded that he has made a lot of changes but each time I have to point out that he made changes like becoming a responsible grown man and not being stoned all the time or drunk. He hasn't stopped acting like a little brat who throws tantrums and makes everyone's life hell around him when he doesn't think he's been praised for his hard work or accomplishments (even if people thank him, he doesn't hear it). He even acts like this around my parents, which totally sucks. Especially since my parents have done so much for us.

 

And I agree with you, at the beginning of our relationship, I was an enabler. I would watch him throw tantrums and back then be super angry and verbally abusive. He has stopped screaming at me, but still throws the little tantrums. I would brush it off and tell myself to just put a smile on my face and keep on going. I have no idea what I'm thinking. I have never put up with this behavior from ANYONE and in general, I"m not a clingy, co-dependent person. I know looking back, biggest mistake I ever made was continuing to talk to him after he called off our wedding. That was unforgivable and unfortunately I haven't been able to talk about it in therapy enough to truly get over it. I am STILL UPSET ABOUT IT and it's been over a year. Don't get me wrong though, I'm mad at myself too! How dare I not respect myself more than that? I think some of it was my fear of starting over... again. I was married and divorced by 24. I then was married for 3 weeks to a guy who I found out was gay and was going to use me to get custody of his daughter from a past relationship with a woman, who confirmed he was bisexual at the time. This is neither here, nor there, it's just crappy that here I am married again and I can't stand my husband. We have some good days, but most are spent with him pissed or crying or making snarky comments. These past few days, I am just appalled that I have gotten myself in this situation.

 

There have been conditions placed, especially when I left CA in May. Our therapist has asked us to not "threaten the relationship" by making comments about leaving so she said maybe an agreement that we'll give it until a certain time. But she suggested something like end of the year and I don't see myself making it that long.

 

I think one of my biggest concerns right now is a selfish one, I can't lie about that. I love our jobs, and many adoption programs have limits on the number of times a person can be divorced if they want to adopt. I am so torn. I don't want to have kids with him right now but I'm afraid if I divorce him, I will be unable to adopt a child. Surrogacy is not an option unless I win the lottery or a friend/family member carries for me. I feel like everything has gotten so complicated.. But I agree, I have to show I am serious like I did before. He did tell me this morning that he feels like I"m treating him just like I did in May when I headed to Virginia early. He's so paranoid that I'm really going to leave him that he creates this vortex himself and then I try to just step away and not be in the middle of it and he flips out more. Helppppppp

[TaraMaiden]

This is what I posted in another member's thread, yesterday (post #9) - and indeed, I've said it before...

 

but your H seems a lot worse than that. he sounds positively stunted - and FWIW, I certainly do NOT agree with your therapists' advice.

Having been involved in counselling myself, I personally feel her comment about 'not threatening the relationship' was not helpful.... because that's not really what Counselling is for....

 

 

Counselling . is . not . designed . to . keep . people . together.

 

No, it's not.

 

Counselling provides people with a safe, level and even playing field where each partner can express themselves calmly, openly and safely, and really reveal what is on their mind and discuss things logically with an eventual hope of a healthy compromise.

What's more, Counsellors are not there to do the work for you.

They arbitrate and guide, suggest and open up avenues of further dialogue, but their job is neither to teach nor preach, and they can't fix anything.

 

You have to fix ‘anything’.

 

The problem is - both people have to want it.

Because one person, on their own, cannot fix what ails 2 people.

A relationship is a partnership, and both people are 100% responsible for their 50% of the partnership.

 

'Blame' is more proportional, but the responsibility of relationship maintenance goes right down the middle.

You are both 100% 'Responsible' for your 50% of the relationship, and as such you have to be accountable for that, and see what has happened to affect that.

 

you also have to evaluate your priorities.

It's very easy for me to say, as a woman who's had 2 children, but - and please don't take this as a patronising criticism - If I had my time over, I would think very seriously about whether having children, in this day and age, with the economy as it stands is a wise or desirable course of action.

Ask yourself why precisely you want children - but more importantly - if you want this man to be their father.

 

From where I'm standing, he would appear to be the last candidate thinkable, for that role.....

What I am about to say, may be construed as callous and heartless, But please know I speak from the heart and with some experience:

 

It may sound bizarre, but put yourself in a frame of mind as if you were dying.

 

Knowing your fragile state, and knowing you would have limited time left to you - what of your life, strikes you as really worth keeping and focusing on, and what is ok to let go, because really they're not worth the energy?

 

It's actually an effective method.

 

By the way - it's not "as if" you were dying: - You ARE dying.

We all are.

Every single breath is one breath less; every single day, full of breaths, is one day less.

Each day you come closer to your dying.

We all do.

 

And none of us can predict that day.

Every single year, we celebrate our birthday - yet the day of our death also comes and goes, without being noticed.

Yet, one day, it will come.

unseen, unexpected - it will embrace and take us.

 

It embraced and took those in the Twin towers. They had no idea, either.

 

So live each day, breathing deeply.

And evaluate and prioritise.

You may not get the chance tomorrow.

 

It sometimes takes a sobering thought to jolt us into action. And Selfish though that action may appear to others, ultimately, nobody will thank us, at the end of our days, for 'sacrificing' what we wanted to do, for what we felt we ought to do.

 

I apologise if anything I have said has been upsetting for you.

I hope I have not outstayed my welcome....

 

I wish you well.

:

[travelbug33]

Tara,

 

I am far from offended by your response. YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT! These are the exact things on my mind everyday and the ridiculous part is how many times I've mentioned that my life is ticking by and I still have so many things I want to do and accomplish and what I've been through with my husband has taken what feels like years of my life away. I am always so drained dealing with him. Granted, some of my exhaustion is simply the physically ailment that I am currently up against, but the other part of it is that I'm with someone who needs constant attention, reassurance, guidance, forgiveness, etc. I am TIRED!! I try not to let it go too deep into my head when he starts saying how if I leave him, he will be all alone, he will have no one. I know that is not my problem to worry about. My first husband was the son of an alcoholic and had similar characteristics. For several years, I hung on for dear life, not wanting to hurt him or leave him 'alone.' However, looking back, I'm so glad I quit trying to hang on and keep him safe. He is now as lonely as he was back then, but that is his choice. It proves to me that he would still be lonely now, even if we were still together. And I believe the same is true with current H. He is lonely because he is not happy with himself and even after all this therapy, I don't see him any closer to coming to happiness with himself. I see surface changes but not permanent and serious emotional changes. Days will go by and he'll say "I'm going to have a good attitude and love my life, today is new day!" This little new start happens a couple of times a month but is always derailed by one of his complete freak out moments or tantrums, always over something so trivial. I can't describe how exhausting it is, although many people here may understand.

 

I am a very happy person, have wonderful friends, a decent family (they aren't the most outwardly loving, but we don't have drama), I love to have fun and smile and laugh a lot. I am slowly losing that girl. I have been in quite a funk for the past year, with several trips to the ER with spells of migraines, stomach pains, numbness, difficulty breathing... I know it's the stress and suffocation of this relationship manifesting itself physically. I'm no stranger to anxiety, as I have struggled with it in the past but have always found a way to attack it head on! I don't have that energy any more and have recently become depressed at the thought of living like this forever along with the thought of a hysterectomy at such a young age. The thought has crossed my mind many times, who will ever respect me in the future? I tend to think any man my age will quickly walk the other way when he finds out my situation. I do not 'need' a man, but I certainly hope that I have someone amazing to share my journey with.

 

I have asked myself questions, just as you mention, about children. Even more than the current economy, I just think about people in general. While there is a lot of good in the world, there is certainly plenty of evil. When I think about the economy, bullies, peer pressure, violence, etc I am terrified at the thought. However, with wanting to adopt, the child is already brought into the world and I can give them a better life. I have a deep desire to be a mother. I always have and have endured a tremendous amount of heartache around my infertility. And I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU that my H is the last person that needs to be parenting a child, especially in his current state.

 

H does have many wonderful qualities and in between the episodes is quite giving, compassionate and willing to do anything to be a better husband. But my real concern is his ability to let go of his past and stop letting his parents and brother totally infiltrate his brain with their comments and lack of support. And his ability to control his reaction to things so I don't have to deal with these outbursts and days of hell that he puts everyone through. Even my mom is sick of it. You've given me even more to ponder. I think we'll have another counseling appointment later this coming week. I would like to have my head around where I want all this to go by then. I do not want to continue dragging this on and spending week after week after week in therapy talking about the same stories and issues. It's always about my husband and all his woes. I"m not perfect, but part of my occasional 'tone' is my lack of tolerance for his behavior. I brushed off and forgave as much as possible, now I don't have the energy to deal with it at all.

[TaraMaiden]

I wish I could be with you.

 

Really, you're on the brink of nervous exhaustion, and all your physical symptoms, as you say, have this stress as their fundamental cause.

this whole thing is making you ill.

 

You remind me (and no, it's not funny, I'm not laughing at you) of Wile E.Coyote stuck on a dam wall, and it begins to leak through holes - which he plugs by stretching all the toes on all his feet, in the most contortioned way - only possible in cartoons... and then one appears in front of his nose, so of course, his last resort is to stick his nose in it.... then one final leak appears just above his head.... and he has nothing left... You can imagine the look on his face....

 

....How long until the dam gives, hun...?

[travelbug33]

Thanks Tara,

 

I've really enjoyed our exchange. I needed to hear all this. And THANK YOU for seeing that I am nearly nervous exhaustion, a.k.a. BREAKDOWN! I flipped out the other morning and started crying (which I don't do frequently) and I was shaking. I called my individual therapist and asked for an emergency meeting, as I thought I was having a mental breakdown. She said that I wasn't because I was too coherent and very in control of my thoughts and feelings. I suppose that means that people who have mental breakdowns just completely lose it and act more like they have dementia or something. I didn't know that was the case, I thought the breakdown was marked by emotional and physical symptoms. I picked up the pieces and kept on truckin... I'm a bad a$$ woman but my resources are wearing thin. Just like the example you use, I know I don't have many more places to reach for the help I need before the dam gives. This has been going on this intensely for 1.5 years and then stack on top of it a Grandfather with Alzheimer's, parents who can't stand each other and their 40th anniversary is next week!, my dog is dying of Congestive Heart Failure (my precious baby who I got when he was 6 wks old, he's 8 years old now), and this new finding of a tumor in my ovary. I am nearing the total exhaustion!!!

[TaraMaiden]

Is there anyone with whom you could go and stay for a while - just for a break?

You need to get out of your environment, even if it's a small log cabin in a wood, somewhere -

You need to clear your head, do some writing, get your thoughts down and come up with a plan.

 

Because goodness knows as things stand here, you're running fast with one foot nailed to the floor.....

[travelbug33]

hahaha, The vision has me laughing! It's so true. I have to be out of town part of this week to see my specialist about the tumor and dogsit for my dad, but after that, I plan to retreat to my own home, which I have not had the joy of being settled in for months because of traveling. I am soooo looking forward to it!! I'm so sick of living out of suitcase, flying here, flying there, never eating the way I would if I were in one place (all my organic, natural foods that I enjoy.. I've been having to eat on the go a lot and while I still make smart choices, it's not the farm to table foods/cooking that I like!!). I've already made a statement to everyone in my life. As of early next week, I will be at my home ALONE, in the quiet, fresh food in the kitchen, a glass of wine in hand... I'm smiling just thinking about it

[TaraMaiden]

Will H. be with you....?

[travelbug33]

No, my tiny bit of sanity (isn't much with all the insanity) is that he still lives in California. He isn't slated to be in VA full time until November. The only times we see each other are when I fly there or he flies here. Maybe 7-10 days a month. He always wants more visits, I like it like it is. I really need to make a decision before November!

[TaraMaiden]

I think you've already decided.

 

Haven't you....?

 

 

All you need to do now, is to proceed but you're worried about the pain it will cause....

 

Sometimes, you just have to harden up.

The best options aren't often the easiest....

[travelbug33]

Some days I think I have decided what is best. I do worry about many things if we break up. But you are right about the best options not being the easiest. Just like any mistake, it's so much easier to get yourself into it than to get yourself out of it. When when when will humans learn haha