ex reluctantly agreed to meet

[ImThinkingWTF]

My ex fiance and I have been broke up a year and a half. About 3 months after we broke up I sent him an email and got no response. I emailed him again 2 months ago and he replied. We exchanged a few emails, his short and only in response to my questions. Didn't ask anything about my life or how I'm doing. But I saw it as a step towards reconciliation since he didn't speak to me for year. A few weeks go by since the last email with no contact and I send him an email saying happy birthday he responds thank you I ask him if I'm going to be able to see him when I come visit and he says yes I should. I'm confused as to why he would even agree to see me face to face since his emails are so short and formal.... I am the one that dumped we are in our early 30s together one year. any insight? I'm thinking that atleast he doesn't hate me and that even though his responses are slow and short, at least he responds...

Edited August 12, 2012 by ImThinkingWTF

[lemonlime]

Why did you dump him? Especially if you keep reaching out.

[veggirl]

I would caution against seeing this as "step towards reconcilliation". It doesn't sound like that at ALL. Just because he is not being outright rude doesn't mean anything other than...well, he is not being outright rude. Does he even know you want to get back together? Considering his emails don't really show any interest, I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't make it to your meet up. It sounds like he may have agreed just to avoid a barrage of "why not?" emails. Don't be surprised if something else comes up when he is scheduled to meet you.

[ImThinkingWTF]

Then why even respond to me at all? I figured he's ignored me before it wouldn't be difficult for him to.do it again.

[Blueflames]

Then why even respond to me at all? I figured he's ignored me before it wouldn't be difficult for him to.do it again.

He's trying to keep you calm.

[ImThinkingWTF]

Trying to keep me calm?

 

That doesn't make any sense. We don't live in the same state. I don't bombard him with emails I don't call him I don't text him. I emailed him once after we broke up apologizing. He didn't respond. I waited a few months and emailed him again asking if it was possible if for us to be friends again. He responded. We exchanged a few emails and I mentioned I was coming to visit family in a few months and if I could buy him lunch. He said yes. Few weeks go by I send him a birthday email and remind him that I'm coming and when and he says again yes about seeing me.

 

Since we had no contact for a year,, in that time I only emailed him once. Knowing his personality I doubt that if he had no intention of seeing me he would even respond to me at all. If I had no desire to see someone or have them in my life at all I wouldn't even respond to. Message.

 

The idea that he only said he would see me to keep me calm is absolutely ludicrous.

[fucpcg]

Everything I needed to say to my ex after we broke up, about the breakup, I did in a huge letter I wrote her. I have written her twice since that initial letter, and both were really just attempts to get her to talk, not to communicate by letter or email. There is sooo much left to say to my ex, and soo much more that needs to be said after this past 1.5 years of NC (by her) and my self reflection. Anything left I need to say, I know I need to say it face to face. If she asked me to tell me what I want to talk about by email, I'd say no I need to see you.

[Blueflames]

He did ignore you, you then kept emailing him.

[spicolli]

I would like to preface this response by telling you i dont have the right answer why he wants to meet now. But i do have a question. Why do you post on a forum, and then vehemently disagree with the advice or opinions given? Didnt you come here looking for answers? advice? Opinions? i dont understand why you admit you dont have the answers and then tell others they are flat out wrong.

if i were to give you my honest opinion as to why he wants to meet now, it would be that he has been harboring some sort of resentment for a while, and finally has the courage to recognize the finality of your breakup and is going to tell you face to face exactly how he feels without sugar coating anything. Some times dumpees and their confidence are so shattered after a BU that they walk on eggshells in order to try to get the dumper to return, now that he has some time to reflect, i believe that he is going to let it out.

But thats a wild guess.

[ImThinkingWTF]

And if that's what he wants to do that would be ok with me too. We never had a huge blow up fight after the break up so hearing what he has to say would be good closure for me.

[TaraMaiden]

WTF possessed you to contact him again, if YOU dumped him?

 

Have you seen the NC guide (see my signature)...?

 

The one thing we keep bashing home, to those who have been dumped, is to absolutely IGNORE all and any attempts by the dumper (that, in this case, would be you) to contact them.

It's 'breadcrumbs' it's just an attempot on their part (you, again) to test the waters, see if they've been missed, and just keep yanking the chain and throwing breadcrumbs.

 

If you have a hope of reconcilliation, then what you must do, is to eat Humble Pie and - to quote the NC guide - say the following:-

 

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

 

He went no contact to heal, and his responses, and manner are completely in line with the NC guide.

If you want a way back in - then you know what you have to do.

 

"Closure" is not something the Dumper normally seeks.

What the dumper normally seeks is reassurance, for their own ego and peace of mind, that there are no hard feelings, and that they can 'still be friends'....

something again, dumpees are advised to be extremely cautious about.....

[beach]

His reluctance should be your first clue that YOU aren't his priority.

 

He figures since you're still hot to communicate - then maybe you'll have sex with him when he sees you.

 

You're chasing ---> he's been avoiding you... Yet YOU aren't getting his clear message! Men who WANT a woman never AVOID her.

 

Don't see him ---> and stop communicating!!!

[lovelornandlost]

I think if he said you "should" get together. I would throw the ball into his court....last chance. Tell him when you are going to be in town and say give me a call if you want to go to lunch or something. If he never replies...that is your answer. If he makes the effort to see you, just go, have a nice time, and see what happens. Good luck!

[ImThinkingWTF]

well he emailed me and said he was looking forward to seeing me so i think thats a good sign. i think hes still hurt and keeping his guard waaay up.

 

and to the person that said he ignored me. I messaged him ONCE three months after the relationship ended apologizing. then waited a year, and emailed him again. You act as though I email and email and email even though he doesnt respond. My issue is that his messages are short and impersonal not that he is ignoring me. do people even read the thread or do they just spout out bull****

[salmagundi]

Honestly, you have to keep in mind that all we know about your situation is what you tell us in a short paragraph or two. We're all anonymous strangers here, what the hell do we know what he is thinking or feeling...we don't even know why you broke up.

 

All we can do is apply generalized advice based on our collective experience to your specific case. Take it or leave it but it does no good to get up people's asses because you don't like what you hear...that will just make people stop posting on your threads. I've had to suck up my share of input that I didn't like...but most of the advice I have received here has been remarkably spot on...

 

Just saying'

[Stanza]

Feels like you're wanting someone to give you the answer you want to hear. But it won't work like that.

 

Ultimately he may be meeting you now just to see if you can be friends, if everything is water under the bridge and over, it could just be a part of moving on and touching base. Unless you've given him any reason to think you want to get back, why would he think it's for anything except catching up....It's been a long time, he's possibly moved on during this time. If you need closure, as the dumper, it seems like maybe you haven't and are hoping for more.

[ImThinkingWTF]

Honestly I don't even know if I want to be with him or not. Its kind of hard to even mentally explore that possibility w someone you haven't seen or Spoken to in over a year. He's pretty straight forward person so for him to say he's willing to see me is a good sign iny book. If that leads to closure, friendship, a good night or something more I'd be ok w it. And if I call him when I'm there and he doesn't show then I'll have my answer and will stop wondering what if

[KatZee]

And if that's what he wants to do that would be ok with me too. We never had a huge blow up fight after the break up so hearing what he has to say would be good closure for me.

 

Why do YOU need closure? You're the one that dumped HIM. You're the one that called off the engagement, and he's hurt... JUSTIFIABLY! You reached out, he ignored you. And you CONTINUED to pester him. Regardless of your frequency in doing so, you're still just tossing breadcrumbs in his face.

 

You don't need closure from anyone but yourself. Stop throwing salt in his wounds by continuing to pop up out of the woodwork every few weeks/months. It's REALLY NOT COOL from a dumpee's point of view. He's trying to move on and there you are again in the e-mail box.

 

You dumped him for your own reasons. You don't sound particularly interested in giving it another chance so what exactly ARE your intentions for seeing him? To be a "friend" ?? Do you HONESTLY thinks he wants to be "just friends" with the woman he proposed to and planned on spending his life with?

 

You really don't have the right to ask to see him and say you're in town and if he'll see you over and over, and then say... Oh, I'm not even sure if I'd try it again. Maybe i'll be his friend. Maybe it'll be a "fun night." You don't feel bad jerking this guy around for your own benefits? Move on!!!

Edited August 14, 2012 by KatZee

[beach]

Honestly I don't even know if I want to be with him or not. Its kind of hard to even mentally explore that possibility w someone you haven't seen or Spoken to in over a year. He's pretty straight forward person so for him to say he's willing to see me is a good sign iny book. If that leads to closure, friendship, a good night or something more I'd be ok w it. And if I call him when I'm there and he doesn't show then I'll have my answer and will stop wondering what if

 

That's the thing. You ended it = that hurt him. Now you ask him to meet = reopens his pain.

 

Whats the point? Especially if YOU don't even know and YOU asked to see him. I just don't think reopening THAT PAIN is useful especially when YOU don't know YOUR OWN INTENT.

 

It almost seems cruel to him.

 

When things are finished and quiet - its best to LEAVE IT that way so both people can move forward.

[Jamesblame]

Honestly I don't even know if I want to be with him or not. Its kind of hard to even mentally explore that possibility w someone you haven't seen or Spoken to in over a year. He's pretty straight forward person so for him to say he's willing to see me is a good sign iny book. If that leads to closure, friendship, a good night or something more I'd be ok w it. And if I call him when I'm there and he doesn't show then I'll have my answer and will stop wondering what if

 

And that's exactly why he is hesitant to see you. You're being very selfish in your desire to not treat him well. You hurt him, now you want to get together to just see whether or not you'd like to date him. In other words, you're totally content at the idea of risking his self-esteem and feelings once again.

 

Just so you can have lunch, get his hopes up, and then you can tell him " Let's just be friends."

 

Don't contact a dumped ex unless you want to get back together. If you genuinely want to be friends be direct and honest. None of this halfway BS

[BooBoo1982]

I don't see why you are all being so negative in this thread, saying he is excited about seeing her is a good thing!

[ImThinkingWTF]

Lol I knew you guys were going to have a hay day with that.

 

Ideally I WOULD like to get back together if we can resolve our issues. One major one being his ability to hold a job. But as you all have been so eager to point out, maybe hes just being polite. So while I would be open to getting back together the decision obviously isn't solely mine.

Edited August 14, 2012 by ImThinkingWTF

[beach]

A man who usually ignores you and/or answers with one or two word answers ISN'T engaging YOU in conversation!

 

Then he never asked ABOUT YOU when you spoke... That screams "I'm not interested enough to care what you're doing"!

 

Yet you are still intent to see him.

 

Do him a favor - get that closure YOU need... And then leave him alone to heal and move forward.

[Tiera D]

OP i had to agree with others,when a guy is being nice but still reply one worded answers he isnt really interested. How about u try think in his perspective? but still perhaps u should go meet him one last time,but u sure had some attitude problem that u need to mend

 

TD

[ImThinkingWTF]

Just wanted to update everyone on here.

 

I left him alone for a couple of months. I deleted him from Facebook and just left him alone. Well it took a couple of months but one day out of the blue he messaged me and asked how I was doing, asked about my family and my dog. He requested me as a friend and we have made plans to see each other.

 

I don't know if there is any hope for reconciliation but atleast he is actively trying to be on my life now. I'm in a much better place in my life and as good as it would be to see him, I'm ok if it doesn't happen. I'm not sure of his motives but it feels so good to not feel like he hates me.