My affair and the road to ending it

[Existentialist]

As most write in their first posting on this forum, I have been devouring many of the posts for the duration of my one year affair with a MM. These posts have opened my eyes to just how common affairs can be and the patterns they tend to follow, and have helped me process in as rational a manner as possible the various stages and accompanying emotions of my affair. The comfort they’ve given me during those precarious moments of indecision, guilt, desire, envy, anger and frustration is immeasurable. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the intelligence and fortitude of many posters.

 

As many have noted, each post contributes to and builds on the knowledge of another, and I hope that somehow I can be a part of that. There are so many thoughts I would like to share and questions I’d like to ask when reading these posts, so I’ll give a synopsis of my story here and save some of my other burning thoughts and questions for other posts.

 

Without going into too much detail, my affair took place with a work colleague about 10 years my senior, married with no children. I am single, early thirties with no children. Many of the clichés apply—I never dreamt I would be in this position nor desired to, yet it happened. There was an immediate emotional and physical connection, accompanied by my internal struggle with the moral absurdity of the affair (in reality half-hearted because I did allow it to happen) and my ever-present and growing dissatisfaction with falling for an unavailable man and no possibility for a future. I felt stuck because I knew the difference between right and wrong, normal and abnormal, and therefore knew what I should do, but that connection brought me so much euphoria…

 

So the relationship progressed, filled with long work lunches, daily back and forth texting, e-mails and letters, outings, etc.—you know, snippets of the special, joyful, tender moments on which normal relationships are built (sans the lies and deceit). We developed strong feelings for one another. We said we fell in love (this point is likely debatable to the external observer), and grew more attached. A beautiful yet ugly relationship. There was no talk of his wife nor marriage, and I did not ask. To discuss the elephant in the room would have thwarted our selfish needs, so it was not mentioned. Please do not take this as a total lack of empathy on my part—while my decision to be in the affair inherently implies that I do lack empathy for the BS, my feelings of guilt were and are very real. As my plan all along was to “get out whenever I could” from this unhealthy situation that was taking over my thoughts and life, I never entertained the thought of wanting him to leave his wife and marriage. While this avoidance served my purposes, it also served to keep me in the dark about why in the world MM would indulge in an affair. My guess is likely a cake eater, though there are some issues that I feel may have contributed to (not justified) his actions.

 

I ended it several times, ranted, raved, yet allowed it to continue. So I built up the one-year mark in my head so much and promised myself so often that if we made it to that point that I would absolutely cut it off, that when it came I was emotionally prepared. It’s only been a week since I ended it, but right now I feel solid about it. I’m not angry—I actually feel quite a lot of tenderness and love for this man. Many of you may say this is a dangerous place to be. However, this is a better place for me than anger. I have been alternately sad and fired up for so long that I recognize this feeling as quite different from the past year—I am so mentally exhausted and for about two months have only felt resignation mixed with a bit of martyrdom (oh, if only we had met years ago, it would have been a match made in heaven, but woe is me for the unluckiness of it all!). And despite the tenderness I feel for him, I love my happiness and peace of mind too much to let it suffer any more.

 

I have found that one of the most ironic parts of an affair is that selfishness propels our involvement, but as it progresses the suffering supersedes the joy, leaving us to sacrifice our own happiness and peace of mind I just mentioned. In the end we do more damage to ourselves than good. Think about it—selfish actions are supposed to serve your needs but in this scenario undermine them! And I am still being selfish, for in order to end the affair once and for all, I have to love myself more than I love him or how he makes me feel...

[Bailey14]

What a beautifully written and thoughtful post. You summed up,in very few words, the turmoil and ambivalence I have felt every day of my life for the last 2 years. Congratulations for finding the strength to end it!! I pray everyday for the same strength but, so far all I can do is think about ending it.

Post here when you need support.

[Mount]

May I asked what did you rant, rave about since you never entertained the idea request him leaving marriage/wife you? Just curious.

 

As most write in their first posting on this forum, I have been devouring many of the posts for the duration of my one year affair with a MM. These posts have opened my eyes to just how common affairs can be and the patterns they tend to follow, and have helped me process in as rational a manner as possible the various stages and accompanying emotions of my affair. The comfort they’ve given me during those precarious moments of indecision, guilt, desire, envy, anger and frustration is immeasurable. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the intelligence and fortitude of many posters.

 

As many have noted, each post contributes to and builds on the knowledge of another, and I hope that somehow I can be a part of that. There are so many thoughts I would like to share and questions I’d like to ask when reading these posts, so I’ll give a synopsis of my story here and save some of my other burning thoughts and questions for other posts.

 

Without going into too much detail, my affair took place with a work colleague about 10 years my senior, married with no children. I am single, early thirties with no children. Many of the clichés apply—I never dreamt I would be in this position nor desired to, yet it happened. There was an immediate emotional and physical connection, accompanied by my internal struggle with the moral absurdity of the affair (in reality half-hearted because I did allow it to happen) and my ever-present and growing dissatisfaction with falling for an unavailable man and no possibility for a future. I felt stuck because I knew the difference between right and wrong, normal and abnormal, and therefore knew what I should do, but that connection brought me so much euphoria…

 

So the relationship progressed, filled with long work lunches, daily back and forth texting, e-mails and letters, outings, etc.—you know, snippets of the special, joyful, tender moments on which normal relationships are built (sans the lies and deceit). We developed strong feelings for one another. We said we fell in love (this point is likely debatable to the external observer), and grew more attached. A beautiful yet ugly relationship. There was no talk of his wife nor marriage, and I did not ask. To discuss the elephant in the room would have thwarted our selfish needs, so it was not mentioned. Please do not take this as a total lack of empathy on my part—while my decision to be in the affair inherently implies that I do lack empathy for the BS, my feelings of guilt were and are very real. As my plan all along was to “get out whenever I could” from this unhealthy situation that was taking over my thoughts and life, I never entertained the thought of wanting him to leave his wife and marriage. While this avoidance served my purposes, it also served to keep me in the dark about why in the world MM would indulge in an affair. My guess is likely a cake eater, though there are some issues that I feel may have contributed to (not justified) his actions.

 

I ended it several times, ranted, raved, yet allowed it to continue. So I built up the one-year mark in my head so much and promised myself so often that if we made it to that point that I would absolutely cut it off, that when it came I was emotionally prepared. It’s only been a week since I ended it, but right now I feel solid about it. I’m not angry—I actually feel quite a lot of tenderness and love for this man. Many of you may say this is a dangerous place to be. However, this is a better place for me than anger. I have been alternately sad and fired up for so long that I recognize this feeling as quite different from the past year—I am so mentally exhausted and for about two months have only felt resignation mixed with a bit of martyrdom (oh, if only we had met years ago, it would have been a match made in heaven, but woe is me for the unluckiness of it all!). And despite the tenderness I feel for him, I love my happiness and peace of mind too much to let it suffer any more.

 

I have found that one of the most ironic parts of an affair is that selfishness propels our involvement, but as it progresses the suffering supersedes the joy, leaving us to sacrifice our own happiness and peace of mind I just mentioned. In the end we do more damage to ourselves than good. Think about it—selfish actions are supposed to serve your needs but in this scenario undermine them! And I am still being selfish, for in order to end the affair once and for all, I have to love myself more than I love him or how he makes me feel...

[woinlove]

Welcome to LS, existentialist. You seem to have a handle on things. Are you poking fun at yourself, with the 'woe is me' and martyrdom? If so, a sense of humor is good.

 

Yes, you have to love yourself more than how he makes you feel. Not sure about the "more than him" part, since it doesn't sound like you really want a man you love to be deceitful and disloyal, so one could argue that ending the A is showing him love, and it is up to him whether to divorce or stay in the M, but you aren't encouraging him to lie any more.

 

Anyway, good for you for deciding you needed more happiness and ending the A.

[EmptyHeartGirl]

Welcome! Great post and beautifully written. I wish you luck on your NC journey!

[Existentialist]

Hi Bailey14. Thank you for your message. I am sorry you're going through such turmoil, and hope you do reach a turning point. While I'm not out of the woods yet and certainly not in any way qualified to post advice, for me I found that insisting in my mind again and again that it was over, emotionally preparing myself for months, and taking various steps to bring closure to myself without his involvement all helped to make it a reality. I only hope my conviction stands the test of time.

[Existentialist]

Hi Mount,

 

I ranted and raved more to myself than him. I was referring to my internal struggle—the pattern was such that I would have moments of clarity fueled by sadness or anger at putting myself in this situation where I would earnestly say to myself that the situation was absurd and had to end. When I did lash out with MM, it was more along the lines of “You know this isn’t healthy, this isn’t right, this is a dead end for me, just let me be (as if I weren’t a willing participant as well!), etc.”

 

While I never entertained the thought of him leaving his wife for so many reasons, I suppose my approach was always just one of resignation and wishing that we had met years ago. Come to think of it, it probably helped that we never discussed his wife or marriage. I wonder if I would have had different feelings, i.e. demanded more had he actually talked about it and opened the door to that possibility whether directly or indirectly. Hmm.

[1217]

wow congrats i found myself in the same situation only it has been a year and a half and finally said i cannot take this anymore its me or her and i was told i had given up on her to leave her alone. if that doesnt speak volumes i dont know what will.....im struggling with moving on but i know i have to i am tired of being angry and crying>>>

[Mount]

Your guys are really strong as apparently your As are lasting longer comparing to mine which is about 2.5 months and I am already very very very exhausted. Although right now I am tryinng to end it amicably with the MM from our mutual agreement, I am not saying this time it can be done completely but I am trying.

 

The emotion up and down is really exhausting me.

 

wow congrats i found myself in the same situation only it has been a year and a half and finally said i cannot take this anymore its me or her and i was told i had given up on her to leave her alone. if that doesnt speak volumes i dont know what will.....im struggling with moving on but i know i have to i am tired of being angry and crying>>>

[Existentialist]

Hi woinlove, thank you for your welcome! I am absolutely poking fun at myself.

 

I agree regarding the "more than him" part. There is no question that I do not want to continue to encourage his deceit and betrayal. Throughout the affair I have experienced quite a bit of cognitive dissonance. One of my most present thoughts was always "This man is seemingly a wonderful, sweet, highly intelligent, kind, even hypersensitive individual for whom I have a lot of respect (granted, that's a bit of love/infatuation speaking), so why is he doing this?" It saddened me that as the affair went on it began to alter my perspective of him, so one of the bits of closure I brought to myself was the revelation that I will continue to hold him in high regard and feel tenderness for him from afar but not contribute to the very essence of what was cheapening him.

[Existentialist]

Thank you EmptyHeartGirl! Only time will tell but I promise to give it my all and then some.

[jwi71]

Hi Mount,

 

I ranted and raved more to myself than him. I was referring to my internal struggle—the pattern was such that I would have moments of clarity fueled by sadness or anger at putting myself in this situation where I would earnestly say to myself that the situation was absurd and had to end. When I did lash out with MM, it was more along the lines of “You know this isn’t healthy, this isn’t right, this is a dead end for me, just let me be (as if I weren’t a willing participant as well!), etc.”

 

Not following you.

You ranted and raved at yourself for being in an unhealthy situation - to end it? Or that you got it in to begin with?

 

And why would you lash at him for? What did he do (to you)?

 

While I never entertained the thought of him leaving his wife for so many reasons, I suppose my approach was always just one of resignation and wishing that we had met years ago. Come to think of it, it probably helped that we never discussed his wife or marriage. I wonder if I would have had different feelings, i.e. demanded more had he actually talked about it and opened the door to that possibility whether directly or indirectly. Hmm.

 

Are you saying you didn't want this so no need to ask or were afraid to ask and be refused?

[Mount]

Harsh question, but good point though.:rolleyes:

 

Not following you.

You ranted and raved at yourself for being in an unhealthy situation - to end it? Or that you got it in to begin with?

 

And why would you lash at him for? What did he do (to you)?

 

Are you saying you didn't want this so no need to ask or were afraid to ask and be refused?[/QUOTE]

[Tenacity]

I have found that one of the most ironic parts of an affair is that selfishness propels our involvement, but as it progresses the suffering supersedes the joy, leaving us to sacrifice our own happiness and peace of mind I just mentioned. In the end we do more damage to ourselves than good.

 

If you are not a writer by profession, you should be.

 

Your post was piquantly compelling. You concisely summarized what so many of us have gone through, and you seem to be extraordinarily tenacious (and I do wish I lived up to my own name right now).

 

I do hope that you continue to "hang in there". I suspect that you may be going through more pain than your words are revealing, however. My guess is that you are used to expressing yourself in words and trained to leave some of the emotion out of it.

[Existentialist]

Hi jwi71 (and Mount). No worries, harsh questions are what force insight.

 

I indeed ranted and raved at myself, for even being involved in the first place and yes, for my lack of strength to end the relationship.

 

I lashed out at him for being married and all that it encompassed—his inability to be a “full time partner” and sustain a normal relationship. Of course, he didn’t do a thing to me that I didn’t do to myself. And therein lay my frustration. I was a willing, consenting adult on all fronts. He never made false promises, never spoke ill of his marriage, never said anything at all, and I allowed that. Here was the pattern: me upset and frustrated because he could not be there for me as a partner in an open relationship could-->me realizing that I could not complain nor lash out as I had no right to that demand-->me becoming even more frustrated because I was between a rock and a hard place and knowing I only had two options, neither of which I wanted to pursue: take it or leave it. In short, my sporadic lashing out had more to do with my own conflicting emotions.

 

Honestly, I don’t think leaving his wife is what I would have wanted. What I wanted was HIM, as a single and available man, psychologically and physically free to commit/be with me. This scenario could only take place were he single to begin with. And sure, I could have absolutely forced that topic but that never seemed a valid option to me. As I indicated in my previous post, I wonder if that has something to do with the nature of our affair—no discussion of the marriage, essentially living in a fantasy world of our making, and my personal belief that I refused to “coerce” or “coax” him into any decisions that were not his solely his own (in quotations because due to the intimacy we shared, I at least had a right to be privy to his decision process in all of this, though I shied away from that). I figured in my heart of hearts, and after reading through so many others’ experiences, that he was savvy enough to recognize whether he was happy or not and take action based on that recognition.

[Mount]

Hi Exist, actually your situation was quite similar to mine, which started from the late May this year.

 

As for me, I too need to take it or leave it, so I choose to leave it for the 3rd time trying.... As I can not handle my emotion up and down that much and it really does not good to me.:mad:

 

Hi jwi71 (and Mount). No worries, harsh questions are what force insight.

 

I indeed ranted and raved at myself, for even being involved in the first place and yes, for my lack of strength to end the relationship.

 

I lashed out at him for being married and all that it encompassed—his inability to be a “full time partner” and sustain a normal relationship. Of course, he didn’t do a thing to me that I didn’t do to myself. And therein lay my frustration. I was a willing, consenting adult on all fronts. He never made false promises, never spoke ill of his marriage, never said anything at all, and I allowed that. Here was the pattern: me upset and frustrated because he could not be there for me as a partner in an open relationship could-->me realizing that I could not complain nor lash out as I had no right to that demand-->me becoming even more frustrated because I was between a rock and a hard place and knowing I only had two options, neither of which I wanted to pursue: take it or leave it. In short, my sporadic lashing out had more to do with my own conflicting emotions.

 

Honestly, I don’t think leaving his wife is what I would have wanted. What I wanted was HIM, as a single and available man, psychologically and physically free to commit/be with me. This scenario could only take place were he single to begin with. And sure, I could have absolutely forced that topic but that never seemed a valid option to me. As I indicated in my previous post, I wonder if that has something to do with the nature of our affair—no discussion of the marriage, essentially living in a fantasy world of our making, and my personal belief that I refused to “coerce” or “coax” him into any decisions that were not his solely his own (in quotations because due to the intimacy we shared, I at least had a right to be privy to his decision process in all of this, though I shied away from that). I figured in my heart of hearts, and after reading through so many others’ experiences, that he was savvy enough to recognize whether he was happy or not and take action based on that recognition.

[Existentialist]

Hi LFH. Thank you for your supportive message. I like how you wrote that I "should be proud for making a choice that honors my wishes." That made me feel good.

 

I did indeed make a bargain with my inner self, and feel that to break that bargain and let myself down would strike a crippling blow to my currently fragile emotional state. Of course my emotions have run the gamut from sadness and anger to extreme joy since the affair began, and they continue to fluctuate. While I do occasionally harbor mean thoughts about my MM and the affair and realize that anger does have its place in all of this, I also feel that I cannot move on if I continue to dwell on the negative emotions. And why deny the love I felt for this individual? To deny that would invalidate my own feelings and experience. Someone posted on another thread that we will know we have definitively moved on when we feel more ambivalence than anything else, whether it be anger, love, sadness, etc. To me this is a beautiful concept, yet so elusive and lofty...at least for the time being.

[Existentialist]

Hi Tenacity, thank you for your generous compliment. Writing is a passion of mine, yes, but it is extremely difficult to do justice to an affair and one year of your life in a single post.

 

I am indeed experiencing quite a bit of pain, as are many on this forum, and I find that while it's cathartic to use words here as a medium for expressing and coping with this pain, they sometimes fall short of the range of emotions an affair embodies. How does one even begin to tell their tale of woe? All of our stories are so similar, if not circumstantially at least emotionally.

 

And yes, tenacity is indeed a trait that I imagine we all wish to exhibit in our affairs, to achieve whatever goals we may have set for ourselves.

[Existentialist]

Hi Mount. Of course this is not good for us. It's so anathema to the definition of a healthy relationship, no wonder it's a roller coaster of emotions and we can't make sense of it no matter how we spin it. I mentioned earlier in my post that I experienced quite a bit of cognitive dissonance during the affair, and continue to do so. This is a term borrowed from psychology that explains quite well (albeit more abstractly) what we are struggling with during the course of an affair. Here is a simplified explanation of the term:

 

Cognitive Dissonance

 

I feel that my affair followed a very distinct pattern that I suspect is present in others' affairs as well.

 

The initial stage consisted of my constant struggle against its existence. I was certainly hooked, but during that time I fought the hardest and was still slightly emotionally distanced from the relationship. If we were to follow my timeline, it sounds like you are at the tail end of this (but I understand that everyone's timetable differs).

 

The next stage I defined as the acceptance period. I would still tell myself I was reluctant, but that I couldn't help but fall for such a special individual. And oh how he made me feel, how he touched me, looked at me! The affair honeymoon period during which I questioned myself and him the least.

 

I began to wiggle and become restless again during the third phrase. More emotionally invested now (see honeymoon period), I suddenly desired more time, more commitment, more of everything, and could not deny that my feelings had intensified. That spelled more inner turmoil for me and subsequently more trouble for my MM.

 

The fourth and final phrase brought with it the recognition that what I had struggled against and had deemed so unacceptable at the beginning of the affair had now become the norm. And I feared a slippery slope...what did I find so unacceptable NOW that I would eventually find acceptable down the road? I also recognized that I while I desired more, I either had to be content with the status quo, which made me unhappy more often than not, or move on, which intuitively I considered the more difficult road. Funny, because why should the road that leads to our long-term happiness be more difficult than the former? Because it is easier to pursue short-term goals that bring us more immediate gratification that long-term goals that require more effort?

[mercy]

A love with hurdles is always more powerful that a love with no hurdles. That is the way our brain works with regards to romance. Many women like you have difficulties falling in love with available men.

 

During the affair what was once difficult to accept becomes the norm.

 

I think young women with options should not follow the path of OW. IMHO, this is for older women that have already experienced marriage or open relationships.

 

The OW was 10 yrs. older than me. My first thought was, you're old you should know better. With age comes the responsibility to be an example to younger women.

 

Quote from Existentialist - Funny, because why should the road that leads to our long-term happiness be more difficult than the former? Because it is easier to pursue short-term goals that bring us more immediate gratification that long-term goals that require more effort?

 

In this society immediate gratification is our downfall. Give it to me now I want to feel good now, hurry be quick about it. The hell with who I step on to get it. *snapping fingers* Come on, right now, someone make me feel good.

[jwi71]

 

I indeed ranted and raved at myself, for even being involved in the first place and yes, for my lack of strength to end the relationship.

 

So, given that you've already put that under the microscope (I bet), have you satisfied yourself as to the why?

 

If so, drop it. Beating yourself up does nothing.

If not, post. Maybe we can see something that you cannot (perspective shift).

 

I lashed out at him for being married and all that it encompassed—his inability to be a “full time partner” and sustain a normal relationship. Of course, he didn’t do a thing to me that I didn’t do to myself. And therein lay my frustration. I was a willing, consenting adult on all fronts. He never made false promises, never spoke ill of his marriage, never said anything at all, and I allowed that. Here was the pattern: me upset and frustrated because he could not be there for me as a partner in an open relationship could-->me realizing that I could not complain nor lash out as I had no right to that demand-->me becoming even more frustrated because I was between a rock and a hard place and knowing I only had two options, neither of which I wanted to pursue: take it or leave it. In short, my sporadic lashing out had more to do with my own conflicting emotions.

 

I disagree.

You have every right to voice your concern about the state of things. If not you then who?

It's more interesting to go down the path of why you didnt, provided you agree.

 

Honestly, I don’t think leaving his wife is what I would have wanted. What I wanted was HIM, as a single and available man, psychologically and physically free to commit/be with me. This scenario could only take place were he single to begin with. And sure, I could have absolutely forced that topic but that never seemed a valid option to me. As I indicated in my previous post, I wonder if that has something to do with the nature of our affair—no discussion of the marriage, essentially living in a fantasy world of our making, and my personal belief that I refused to “coerce” or “coax” him into any decisions that were not his solely his own (in quotations because due to the intimacy we shared, I at least had a right to be privy to his decision process in all of this, though I shied away from that). I figured in my heart of hearts, and after reading through so many others’ experiences, that he was savvy enough to recognize whether he was happy or not and take action based on that recognition.

 

More great questions.

Why did you shy away?

Why didn't you stand up for what you wanted?

Why is the fact that this was an A seem to, almost by default, prevent you from speaking up. Of course, my presumption is you would normally have spoken up and the reason you did not was its an A.

Edited August 14, 2012 by jwi71
Quote tags are hard on Iphone

[half_ofa_heart]

Existentialist

 

I am almost speechless at reading your post; so eloquently written , explaining what so many of us on here have wanted to say but don’t quite have the correct words to put it in writing. Each and every stage you have described are what I and so many of us on here have gone thru but cannot explain. Your heartfelt depiction of the internal struggles we, as good people, suffer through when in affairs is so overwhelming it brought me to tears.

 

My affair lasted 3 years off and on and ended for good not too long ago so although I am certain it is over, I still suffer through the self loathing and the anger (towards myself) for allowing myself to not only enter into something like this but to stay for as long as I did.

 

Welcome to LS. I look forward to reading this and all of your threads.

[Mount]

Hi Exist, believe or not, over the time span of less than 3 months, I have gone through the stage one to stage four. And the emotion up and down is not really the happy moments at all.

 

Now we just ended. The MM (and myself work together) told me he still loves his wife and loves me as well, but if thinking of the consequence that would bring to us, he would rather us going back to pre-A.

 

Again, I am not sure or really he loves me or not, and it is not important anway. His action speaks louder while I think the ending A is good for me as well.

 

Hi Mount. Of course this is not good for us. It's so anathema to the definition of a healthy relationship, no wonder it's a roller coaster of emotions and we can't make sense of it no matter how we spin it. I mentioned earlier in my post that I experienced quite a bit of cognitive dissonance during the affair, and continue to do so. This is a term borrowed from psychology that explains quite well (albeit more abstractly) what we are struggling with during the course of an affair. Here is a simplified explanation of the term:

 

Cognitive Dissonance

 

I feel that my affair followed a very distinct pattern that I suspect is present in others' affairs as well.

 

The initial stage consisted of my constant struggle against its existence. I was certainly hooked, but during that time I fought the hardest and was still slightly emotionally distanced from the relationship. If we were to follow my timeline, it sounds like you are at the tail end of this (but I understand that everyone's timetable differs).

 

The next stage I defined as the acceptance period. I would still tell myself I was reluctant, but that I couldn't help but fall for such a special individual. And oh how he made me feel, how he touched me, looked at me! The affair honeymoon period during which I questioned myself and him the least.

 

I began to wiggle and become restless again during the third phrase. More emotionally invested now (see honeymoon period), I suddenly desired more time, more commitment, more of everything, and could not deny that my feelings had intensified. That spelled more inner turmoil for me and subsequently more trouble for my MM.

 

The fourth and final phrase brought with it the recognition that what I had struggled against and had deemed so unacceptable at the beginning of the affair had now become the norm. And I feared a slippery slope...what did I find so unacceptable NOW that I would eventually find acceptable down the road? I also recognized that I while I desired more, I either had to be content with the status quo, which made me unhappy more often than not, or move on, which intuitively I considered the more difficult road. Funny, because why should the road that leads to our long-term happiness be more difficult than the former? Because it is easier to pursue short-term goals that bring us more immediate gratification that long-term goals that require more effort?

[Mount]

Guess this time I wish I am the ab-normal (x)OW?

 

If you are like most normal OWs you will be back in the affair again and you will break up again. This cycle may go on for years. Good luck with that.

 

You need to quit your job.

[Existentialist]

A love with hurdles is always more powerful that a love with no hurdles. That is the way our brain works with regards to romance. Many women like you have difficulties falling in love with available men.

 

During the affair what was once difficult to accept becomes the norm.

 

I think young women with options should not follow the path of OW. IMHO, this is for older women that have already experienced marriage or open relationships.

 

Hi Pierre. I wholeheartedly agree with you regarding the appeal of love with obstacles. However, all of my past relationships have been healthy ones with available men. And their endings have been healthy as well.

 

I have no idea why I chose this path now. All I know is that I want to learn from it and heal as quickly as possible. Throughout the past year I have swept aside so many other romantic possibilities, and I don't want to continue to ignore those possibilities and deny myself an open, normal relationship. To continue to do so would be foolish.