My affair and the road to ending it

[Existentialist]

So, given that you've already put that under the microscope (I bet), have you satisfied yourself as to the why?

 

While I've repeatedly asked myself the question as to why I became involved, I still have not found a satisfactory answer. My most "romantic" answer was infatuation at first sight/sound that made me weak at the knees; that I was a goner from that point forward, unable to think rationally. My most believable answer was that I was at the tail end of another relationship, one that had been long and wonderful but had also been long distance for the last years of it because I had returned to the States after living in his country for many years. I was emotionally exhausted from trying to maintain a relationship across an ocean and coming to the realization that I wanted out when I met MM. While my brain has not yet made the causal connection between my then emotional state and MM's appearance, I am sure they are somehow intertwined.

 

As to my lack of strength to end the relationship, well, I'm in the midst of doing just that so hey, better late than never!

 

If so, drop it. Beating yourself up does nothing.

If not, post. Maybe we can see something that you cannot (perspective shift).

 

Outside perspectives are welcome and encouraged.

 

I disagree.

You have every right to voice your concern about the state of things. If not you then who?

It's more interesting to go down the path of why you didnt, provided you agree.

 

You're absolutely correct in that I had every right to question the situation. I did so many times, but always in a roundabout manner, always tiptoeing around the most important questions that needed to be asked. It IS more interesting and perhaps more valuable to look at why I did not push more than I did. So many reasons come to mind, but let's take a stab at the following: never being presented with any other option by MM, an implicit message that it was the status quo or nothing; my resistance to the affair and the idea that to demand more would imply total acceptance on my part and therefore make it so very real; the fear that MM would bail if pressed/presented with too much negativity and I would "lose out"; sensing that avoidance was an easier strategy overall...

 

More great questions.

Why did you shy away?

Why didn't you stand up for what you wanted?

Why is the fact that this was an A seem to, almost by default, prevent you from speaking up. Of course, my presumption is you would normally have spoken up and the reason you did not was its an A.

 

I should have indeed stood up more than I did for what I wanted, but I'm sure that would have stopped the affair in its tracks, and I guess I didn't want that, did I? I didn't really know what I wanted. I wanted him, not the rest. I did force the issue here and there, but overall made it easy for him to override my "stands."

 

In reflecting on my past relationships, there is no indication that I have never NOT spoken up for myself. In fact, I pride myself on being a fairly good communicator and part of my works involves conflict resolution. Ha. I honestly don't know why this affair altered my behavior so drastically, and it saddens me to realize that. I hope never again to relegate my wants and needs to such a place. I want them to be on equal footing with those of my romantic partner.

 

Thank you for the difficult, introspective questions.

[Existentialist]

Existentialist

 

I am almost speechless at reading your post; so eloquently written , explaining what so many of us on here have wanted to say but don’t quite have the correct words to put it in writing. Each and every stage you have described are what I and so many of us on here have gone thru but cannot explain. Your heartfelt depiction of the internal struggles we, as good people, suffer through when in affairs is so overwhelming it brought me to tears.

 

My affair lasted 3 years off and on and ended for good not too long ago so although I am certain it is over, I still suffer through the self loathing and the anger (towards myself) for allowing myself to not only enter into something like this but to stay for as long as I did.

 

Welcome to LS. I look forward to reading this and all of your threads.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I am very thankful for this forum on so many levels.

 

I am sorry that your affair lasted so long and that you are suffering so as a result. I cannot believe that you have lasted through three long, tortuous years. Precisely because of stories like yours I have ended my affair. The thought that my life could continue in this vein indefinitely and would do so were I to allow it is maddening and I am sure I would end up losing my sanity. Self loathing is such a very, very bad place to be, utterly devastating, and while I can't even imagine how emotionally invested you are with your MM and what the last three years have meant to you, you obviously recognize that it's never too late and that redemption (in terms of your self worth) is never out of reach.

 

Affairs are such a slippery slope, but I suppose much of life is. We take them day by day, process their small, seemingly meaningless events in a piecemeal fashion as they come, take tiny steps and make minor decisions, and before we know it, months and then years pass and these bits soon add up to define who we are. We really should be more careful in our decision-making and actions, but then again, hindsight is 20/20.

[half_ofa_heart]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I am very thankful for this forum on so many levels.

 

I am sorry that your affair lasted so long and that you are suffering so as a result. I cannot believe that you have lasted through three long, tortuous years. Precisely because of stories like yours I have ended my affair. The thought that my life could continue in this vein indefinitely and would do so were I to allow it is maddening and I am sure I would end up losing my sanity. Self loathing is such a very, very bad place to be, utterly devastating, and while I can't even imagine how emotionally invested you are with your MM and what the last three years have meant to you, you obviously recognize that it's never too late and that redemption (in terms of your self worth) is never out of reach.

 

Affairs are such a slippery slope, but I suppose much of life is. We take them day by day, process their small, seemingly meaningless events in a piecemeal fashion as they come, take tiny steps and make minor decisions, and before we know it, months and then years pass and these bits soon add up to define who we are. We really should be more careful in our decision-making and actions, but then again, hindsight is 20/20.

 

if you would have told me 5 years ago that I would not only enter into an affair but stay in one for 3 years... I would have laughed in your face and said... "You don't know me very well." but here I am and there I was.

 

I know in my heart I am a good hearted person and know right from wrong but all of it felt right which was what allowed me to enter into it. I tried to end it more times than I care to count over the years but that feeling that it was soooo right kept coming back to haunt me. Not to mention, he would continue to pursue me

 

Whatever the catalyst is/was to make us see the light, the more grateful I am. This forum has many individuals who have helped me see things along the way but its the ones that say it with kindness and compassion that really open my eyes. For that, I thank you. I hope you stick around long enough to help others because with your writing style and your ability to convey in mere words what we suffer from, is astounding.

 

Heart