When there is no future

[Goldfsh79]

As I look back at my affair, I always think about how we never had a together forever future. It's not that it couldn't be, but we chose for it not to be, each at different stages.

 

MM wanted a lot more than I was willing to give him. He asked me to divorce (subtly) and wanted more time together. He wanted more phone calls, more dates, etc. I look back and see how it was a tug of war. He wanted more and I declined, I wanted more after he left and he calling me months later, telling me goodbye and etc...we never were on the same page. I know I hurt him and he knows he hurt me. I know before he left he did tell me, " its probably good we can't be together" I tear up when I think of that. He said we would be okay when it ended, it would probably take us a few months. I feel sad when thinking of all this because I knew from the start I wouldn't leave my husband. I just fell hard and we fell in love.

 

It's hard to think that we knew this (or I did) but continued the relationship. Why do we do this to ourselves? It's human nature I guess, but the pain makes me think why bother.

 

I am happy I fell in love with MM though. I do think it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.

 

I wouldn't encourage this though (an affair) by any means. With no future for most, it is so painful.

[Gotti25]

OP you keep going on how much you still love OM where is your poor husband in this? Hiding things will get you no where you sound like you have no interest to work on your marriage is your life but is not fair too your hubby that your hiding things behind his back like this!

[Goldfsh79]

I am working on my marriage. My husband and I are doing better each day. I can't just flip a switch off for my feelings for MM, but each day is better than the last. I have been doing great, but very reflective lately about it all. I just need to process it and it does help to do so on here.

[Artie Lang]

no one said it was as easy as "flipping the switch," but you keep romanticizing your affair. if you want to be with OM, then why didn't you divorce and pursue a relationship with him. now your husband has to share you with these memories you have of OM. how is this fair to him(husband).

 

poor soul... your husband, i mean.

[MissBee]

As I look back at my affair, I always think about how we never had a together forever future. It's not that it couldn't be, but we chose for it not to be, each at different stages.

 

MM wanted a lot more than I was willing to give him. He asked me to divorce (subtly) and wanted more time together. He wanted more phone calls, more dates, etc. I look back and see how it was a tug of war. He wanted more and I declined, I wanted more after he left and he calling me months later, telling me goodbye and etc...we never were on the same page. I know I hurt him and he knows he hurt me. I know before he left he did tell me, " its probably good we can't be together" I tear up when I think of that. He said we would be okay when it ended, it would probably take us a few months. I feel sad when thinking of all this because I knew from the start I wouldn't leave my husband. I just fell hard and we fell in love.

 

It's hard to think that we knew this (or I did) but continued the relationship. Why do we do this to ourselves? It's human nature I guess, but the pain makes me think why bother.

 

I am happy I fell in love with MM though. I do think it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.

 

I wouldn't encourage this though (an affair) by any means. With no future for most, it is so painful.

 

 

I resonate with this in general.

 

When I was younger, dating was strictly about fun. Even when I fell for someone and invested in emotions, I was short sighted, I wasn't thinking of a stable life together, the future, marriage etc. There were pros and cons to that mentality. Pros were that I enjoyed it while it lastly, cons, were that sometimes I got myself into unnecessary dalliances that were more trouble than they were worth.

 

I too felt my A wasn't going to turn into a forever kind of thing...but I went with my feelings at the time. The danger (just like FWB situations for example) is that you often still get attached, still entertain the fantasy of a future etc. even if logically you realize it won't happen or doesn't even make sense. It's very hard to have NSA.

 

I do think it's better to have loved and lost and I do think as humans we often need to go through several breakups to grow and before we perhaps settle down for something "forever". However, as I've gotten older I realize I'm more invested in my future and building roots. I don't want to necessarily get married or have kids until probably 6 or so years from now...but I realize I'm not as good at casual, no strings attached dating and I see no purpose in forming strong emotional attachments to men who are unavailable or who I can't see the long term with. I can date casually...but I don't invest lots of emotions and time into men that I don't feel our interests are aligned and our paths. An A at this point in life is definitely out of the question. I think in the past I would have entertained it, more on the premise that "Yes we don't have a future but I'll enjoy it now." Now, I just see it as pointless completely in investing and getting attached and wanting to put down roots, only to hit a glass ceiling. I think with single relationships there can be more optimism and it's not a lame horse from jump, but 9/10 times with A, it makes absolutely no sense to invest if you want more than just instant gratification.