Retroactive Jealousy

[tenhi]

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 5-6 months. She is my first girlfriend and I met her age 22. She is the same age but dated another guy from age 13 for 9 years. They were still together when she met me.

 

I kind of put it out of my mind but recently I met the guy for the first time and I'm finding it really hard to deal with. They had a very serious relationship (lived together, shared a pet, tried to have a baby, saved up money for marriage).

 

I am quite a strong person and definitely the leader, if there is a such a thing, in the relationship. Despite the fact that I have no experience and she obviously has a huge amount.

 

I know my feelings are illogical, and I know that she loves me and she doesn't want to be with him. She said that she just hopes he finds his own happiness. But I cant help but feeling a concoction of rage, jealousy, sadness whenever I think about her.

 

The fact that I would have to be 32 before our relationship would become the longest of her life is so scary. The idea of her boyfriend and her going through that experience of their first relationship together is unsettling. That seems like it would create such an unbreakable bond. I know also she broke up with her boyfriend and dated another guy for 7-8 months in the middle; and then got back with her first boyfriend.

 

Meeting my first girlfriend relatively late on just adds to the pressure. Everything for me was, is a first time. And is really dear to me in a way that it isn't to her(I'm sure, hope, it still is really important to her). Moreover she has the same feelings of wanting to treasure an experience, that I have about her, about her ex boyfriend.

 

The confusion between my stronger personality and my tiny experience comparatively speaking in relationships makes me wonder whether its possible to resolve my feelings. I feel like even if I had been in multiple long relationships it would still be a big thing but I could overcome it.

 

In the end I think its the feeling that if I broke up with her she would eventually want to get back with him, regret breaking up with him for me, that really pulls me down. He occupies a huge part of a her heart that I can never touch. (And I want to rip that part out in a bestial fury).

 

All of these seem like problems with my way of thinking but I don't know how to change it.

[Garfish]

It's a tough nut to crack. You might want to consider that this isn't the relationship for you. I promise you, you will always be a little jealous of "that guy", but you'll get less jealous over time. Stop comparing yourself to him and to your girlfriend. Be your own man. Get busy with activities/education and don't focus on this. The more you think about it, the worse it gets. She's with you now and there's a reason for that. But if you keep obsessing on this, she won't be with you in the future. You only have two choices, stay or go. If you go now it will hurt less in the long run than if you stay for years. Go get yourself some counseling over this- don't wait.

[Garfish]

In the end I think its the feeling that if I broke up with her she would eventually want to get back with him, regret breaking up with him for me, that really pulls me down.

 

You shouldn't be over-thinking like that. What somebody does after you break up isn't your concern; that's just crazy jealous.

 

He occupies a huge part of a her heart that I can never touch. (And I want to rip that part out in a bestial fury).

 

You're going to have to deal. I wished I'd been somebody's "first", but I wasn't. I was busy dreaming about how great it would be to be someone's one and only while that person who would be my first, who I hadn't met yet, was in the back of the van with some stoner or on the floor at a wild party. I'm not with her anymore and thank goodness for that!!! There have been a few in between and years passed and guess what, I never think of her any more (well, until just now). Thanks for reminding me how F-in lucky I am!

 

All of these seem like problems with my way of thinking but I don't know how to change it.

 

Counseling, experience, or time.

[tenhi]

You shouldn't be over-thinking like that. What somebody does after you break up isn't your concern; that's just crazy jealous.

 

Sorry, maybe I phrased it badly, I mean more the feeling that her life revolves around that guy and that I am only a coat of paint. I'm a bloody good coat of paint but I'm still just that.

 

You might want to consider that this isn't the relationship for you.

 

I think a not insignificant part of me feels like this.